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Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
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How can you spot an abuser while dating?

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2015-07-15 20:54:38
2015-07-15 20:54:38

Note when he gets angry does he bunch his fists up? Does he get angry quickly? And most important of all if he ever hits you, even if its just a slap or anything GET OUT.

If he has been in a long relationship before and he mentions that his significant other just up and left one day without warning, that is a real red flag.

I was married to one for 22 years. When we were dating, I never really knew what he thought, but it was infatuation on my part and I was young. Also, he would go away for a time and then come back, expecting all to be the same. In marriage, it was neglect, lots of anger and an unwillingness to be open with me about feelings and disregard for my needs. After divorce, I met another one, some years later. It was basic "crazymaking," just always feeling off kilter, like I couldn't consistently do anything right. We were always breaking up, and getting back together. Finally, after I was in trouble one morning after church for not introducing him to someone I knew before speaking with them, I broke up with him. Then, I took out my trusty book by Patricia Evans--The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and saw the list. Next! Another guy I met was initially charming, but then was too familiar too quickly and I became uncomfortable. Of course, the last date we went to a festival and went dutch. He disappeared for an hour or more while we were there--he probably went to eat without me is what I think. He also joked about the long walk home.

My advice, is, if you determine the new guy is likely to be an abuser (especially if it has happened to you before), is to move slowly and get experience in many different situations with him. If you decide to break it off, do yourself a favor. Block him from any means of contact (email, phone, mail) and stick to it. They can be very charming and convincing and you can be very guilty, contrite or adaptable enough to give them one more chance.

Finally, you do not have to wait until you have the strength to leave. You just have to do it, by acting "as if" you have the strength, and do it. Funny thing is, once you do it, you have the strength. House, belongings, etc. eventually get sorted out and so don't stay connected to stuff. It is always people first (Suze Orman).

I wish I would have read this in the beginning. The biggest sign is the pressure to get married when you first start dating. Does he talk about marriage a lot within the first few months? Is he excessively jealous? Does he accuss you of being dishonest about your whereabouts? Has he lost his temper and blamed it on you? And then do you fall for it and promise to work on it? Is he overly affectionate to you and charming when others are around and then snap at you as soon as you leave the company?

Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses -- his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the government, or fortune for his predicament?

Is he hypersensitive, picks fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?

Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having children on your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male? Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)?

Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready?

Does he control the situation and you compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting") -- or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things -- even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?

Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealizes you)? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?

Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make" him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.

Does he find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and out of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically or finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally -- does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he then switch to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes profusely and buys you gifts?

If you have answered "yes" to any of the above -- stay away! He is an abuser.

Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle -- but discernible -- warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself -- and save yourself a lot of trouble!

Leave!! Run like the wind!! Protect your kids and get your life back.

Love,

I did not learn my lesson, although it was right in front of me. Nine years ago I met my fiance/boyfriend(whatever we are now)when he was a leasing agent at the apartments I moved into after my divorce (yes another abuser, whom I share joint custody of my two children) We started dating, and the sex was great, he was romantic, concerned, and called me every moment of the day..flattering at the time. I remember now though, he did seem very phoney and extremely arrogent. During the second month, we went to a nightclub which we had been to before.. both of us loved to dance. I am a dance instructor/choreographer and really enjoyed just getting to dance crazy! So I did. He grabbed me by the arm, escorted me to the bar and told me "you can't dance like that here, there's too many people" I was a very independant, strong person at the time, and told him jokingly to lighten up and have fun and that if he didn't want to dance with me, then I would dance by myself, which I did. I'll never forget the glare..or what happened next after he downed I don't know how many drinks. We left the club, and I told him I should drive, it was my car. He grabbed the keys out of my hand, opened the door and placed me forcefully in the seat, I was shocked, scared and mad at myself for not fighting back. I blew it off on the way home, we didn't live that far. He stopped at a fast food place and asked me for money!!!(Another red flag) When we pulled into the parking lot he stopped the car, leaned over like he was going to kiss me, and whispered, "What's the big deal about having a degree in dance?" (I had told him I wanted to go back for my MFA as well) "I don't need a degree for someone to tell me I can dance. Thats stupid" Normally I would have argued but I calmly got out of the car stunned, and walked up to his apartment. We sat down to eat on the floor of his crappy place, and told me not to get ketchup on the carpet! The NERVE! I owned a new 4bdrm home in the Foothills, and have two kids! So, I let him have it...and was called a f*****g b***h. He went to bed and passed out, I left and should have never seen him again, but I did and it's only gotten worse. He still drinks alot, criticizes me constantly, calls me names and makes comments to hurt my feelings. I feel like a shell inside. I just ignore him now and spend more time with my kids even though we still live together. I stopped dancing/teaching a year ago, it was my love, but he told me it was my fault for being unrealistic. Don't make the same mistake, trust your gut, remember the little things they say at the beginning that make you feel bad, question yourself or who you are. I remember who I was and it makes me sad. Take care...

In my opinion, the most important thing to look out for is to observe how he treats his mother. This is an indication of his feelings toward women in general. Also, observe his father's behavior, because that's really who you're marrying, whether you believe it or not. And, third, observe his parents' marriage, if they are still married. Just being aware of his family dynamics is eye opening if you can look at them in a detached manner. I wish I had.

Has he ever threatened, demeaned, or insulted you in front of others? Has he ever regularly pressured you into actions or activities you do not wish to do? Does he constantly have to know your whereabouts, or peppers you with questions about your activities when he is not present? Someone like this wants a girlfriend to dominate, not to love. If you're already concerned about his behavior, I'd just advise you to stop dating him.

In my case, I didn't notice any obvious signs that he would be an abuser while we were dating. He was very nice and sweet, never made any threats or used hostile language. And certainly I would have never guessed from knowing his parents or his relationship with them. I would have suspected something if I had known more about his relationship with his previous wife, but at the time all I knew about it was from his point of view, which was very misleading. But reading the first answer, I can see that the signs were there, but I just never knew what they meant. He always blamed others for all his problems, and seldom admitted making a mistake. He sometimes felt insulted or wrongly treated by others when I thought it shouldn't be taken personally. Also, he was very eager. He talked about marriage almost from the start.

I've noticed they tend to "invade" your life very quickly. Out of nowhere, they appear....Some are more subtle than others, some make you feel like the most interesting fascinating person in the world right away (the ugly part comes after)... This is just an observation I've made in my life. Also, a really bad sign is when you start losing your friends, seeing them less often.

he will sweep you of your feet, he will make you belive that no one will ever love you like he does. All the while your gut feeling will be screamimg at you. This is wrong. This is wrong. Listen to your gut..... for it won't take long for him to steal your soul and convince you that every friend you have and have ever made every relative, your parents, your job, you as a person are low, wrong, vile and honoured to know him, He is just too good all of the time and everyone else at fault Your world will become smaller less friends less family less happiness less laughter and convince you all the same you are lucky to have him. People will start to oviod you if he doesn't cut you off first as you are not the person you used to be. No one knows you any more solem, dull no spark and a shodow of your former self. You will dream of the person you used to be. Sadness will overwhelm you. You are engulfed in darkness

Oh my gosh, I am experiencing the end of an abusive realtionship as we speak and I am reading these answers. Actually, I'm not at all surprised because I saw this coming from the beginning. Its funny how you can be an intelligent person, yet put up with something you know is wrong. I'm done. I have had enough. All the examples are there. He came into my life quickly. Asked me to marry him almost right after, moved in, took over. I never married him because I saw it getting worse. I just thought that maybe he would realize but that's my problem. They never do. Some do. Most don't. He is verbally abusive. Things that are simple and should not be taken personally he gets angry over. He is not honest or truthful about many things but questions me about who was I talking to, where did I go, etc. Its exasperating. I am very vocal and expressed such right back. Many fights. Thank you for putting things in black and white. I knew but it always helps to have reassurance.

The signs were there, i guess at the time i was so charmed by him the i didnt see them the verbal abuse, the put downs the feeling of worthlessness, the blaming on me rather than on his behaviour and manner. basically "IF IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT IT ISNT. " trust your instincts you are raely wrong/ if you do spot it, or as soon as you do LEAVE the cycle will continue

OMG! All of these answers are SO VERY TRUE! I JUST got out of an 7-month relationship with a Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder! FREAKED me out so many X's I had to question my OWN sanity!

My sons & brother hated him immediately for the way he talked about women in general, when I wasn't around, KNOWING he would do same with me. (he did!)They also worried that I would next be physically abused. WHICH IS WORSE??? I TOLD him it would have been EASIER had he HIT me than to listen to him humiliate & berate me for the minutest infractions he considered offensive (only to HIM!)

Filthy, arrogant, obnoxious and ENDLESSLY BLAMING everyone but never taking responsiblity. SO glad I DIDN'T STAY! ALSO, grandiose about his 'male anatomy' telling EVERYONE HOW big it is (only fat, trust me) AND NEVER intimate! Always making sex something of a rape! Always centered on HIM, never giving, EVER!

  1. 1: ALWAYS remember THIS ONE, girls! (repeat) How a man TREATS HIS OWN MOTHER is a window into his soul! (this one regularly called his mother THE 'C' WORD!!!)

Friends, thanks for being here. It's only been a week & I've COMPLETELY CUT HIM OFF...never again will I take responsibility for his abuse NOR apologize!

WHEW! S

Yes, there are men who don't yell at their mate. Ever. The abusive cycle includes sweet times and times when things are not going so well. It keeps you confused and you think that if you just wait, it will get better. So, it does, over and over. This is not the one on one relationship that you deserve. He does treat his mother badly--there should not be a regular make up issue. If you leave, be sure to take some time on your own, so you can be confident and happy when you meet the good mate you deserve. It is a lot less lonely to be alone than with an abusive mate.

All this scares me so much that after every answer, I felt I had to close down the page. I don't know whether my relationship is abusive or not. All I know is that he gets angry about everything, and then he apologizes so profusely afterwords, that it always seems to me that he ought to be forgiven. But, is it true that there are women who don't have to deal with a boyfriend who yells at them ever? I've never seen a relationship where people don't have problems of the man being aggressive and demanding of a woman. I'm sure that makes it more difficult for me to spot abuse. But, that mother rule applies, in that while he isn't necessarily abusive to his mother, his mother and father fight a lot, and he himself treats his mother impolitely, from my point of view. Then, with her, just as with me, he thinks the world is wonderful just because they made up. It's hard for me to think of possibly letting go of him, because I think I'll never find a man who is so expressive with his love when he does express it, and I love him so much, too. It is possible to love someone who is abusive to you, but is it not healthy. And I'm not happy more than half the week with him because of all the arguments. I think I need to look up what a healthy relationship is like. If anyone here can give some examples of what a non-abusive relationship is like, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

I have had the same experiences....My husband can be as sweet as honey, and one second later he's screaming, cussing, name calling, etc. He repeatedly wakes me in the middle of the night because he thinks we "need to cuddle" wants to talk, pick a fight, etc. Will become upset over the position in which I sleep. Will perpetually criticize everything I do including what I choose to cook for dinner, clothes I wear, how I clean. But the funniest part of it all is...he will refuse to say what he wants for dinner, purposly makes messes in the house and buys me outfits hen later finds unacceptable. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. What's my part in all of this??? I allowed it. I let him talk me into quitting my job before we were married. Tried to reason with him as he degraded and berated me, waited until he started making me uncomfortable with his sexual demands to draw bouderies, never corrected him when he called me excessively, accepted his initial lies, and overall...ignired my own god given instinc. Now I'm in for the hawl and have no more joy or energy to even remain sane within it....don't be like me.....If he is all over you from day ne and showing up at your work every day....if he has a history of substance or domestic abuse or has ever been arrested for such incidents or has ever had a restraining order against him...run! He will try to blame everyone else..but he is the problem..don't you be a part of it!

Indicators of a Healthy Relationship

You feel at ease with your partner.

You don�t always feel you have to be at your best when you are together.

Your partner is open with you about his/her life.

You feel cared for and appreciated.

There is a good level of trust and honesty.

You feel your partner sees and accepts you

I WAS SITTING AT MY PC AND I WAS TRYING TO FIND SOME ANSWERS ON THE SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE MAN AND THIS WEB SITE CAME UP AND I AM SITTING HERE JUST BLOWN AWAY I JUST WENT THREW A DIVO

I dated an abusive guy so I definitely know the signs.

Signs of an abusive person:

-They get jealous easily. This can include getting jealous about you hanging out with your friends, being with your family, talking to other people (especially men) and paying attention to anyone other than them.

-They try to control you. It can start with little things, like telling you what to wear, and escalate to telling you who you can and cannot talk to.

-They guilt you into doing things you don't want to do. "If you loved me, you'd stop talking to your friend."

-They move way too fast. This means telling you they love you in a couple of weeks, and talking about marriage within one or two months.

-They put you down. "You look like a slut in that outfit." "You're a terrible person."

-When you try to get space from them (ie I need the night to myself), they make you feel guilty for not spending every minute with them.

-If you try to break it off with them, they don't leave you alone and refuse to accept it.

One abuser of so many women I once knew was a man who seemed to "worship the goddess" (as equal to the "god" in him)...but this is not my point. He was a real "ladies man", more so than most, especially his friends. All his friends wondered how he could bed so many women. All his friends wanted him to mentor them, teah them how to get laid as often as he did. And this was the abusers real game. He wasn't really much interested in women or their well-being, as he claimed. He was really using them to impress his friends, brag to his friends about what a stud he was. It was juvenile locker room talk and he was in his fifties. His name is Flash. Each women thought she had finally got this man as her own, but these women were fooled and could not see what was happening right in front of their faces. And I didn't see it either until many years later when a different guy tried to "court" me in public in front of his group of friends. Then I realized, he too, thought he was the "leader of the pack". He goes by the name "Mad Dog" in El Dorado County, CA. I think abusers often start out the abuse in public. They put women on the spot and make it hard to say no, force women into akward positions and converstations for the sake of being polite in a polite society.

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