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You will need to buy a bottle of vaseline and some peanut butter.
Go out in the woods and find a rather large stick, rub vaseline all over it, shove it as far as possibly into your rectum, then smear peanut butter over it to help seal the blood in (there should be blood or it isn't in far enough!).

Then you need to lie very still until the animals begin to remove the peanut butter.


When this happens, call you boyfriend to come out and see.

He will almost definitely leave and never speak to you again.

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Q: How do you drive away your boyfriend if you are too scared to break up with him?
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