How do you hunt haggis in Scotland?

Answer 1

Answer: Many tourists to Scotland, no doubt abetted by the Scots, are led to believe that the Haggis is an animal. This is what they're told: Ahh ... the Haggis hunting ---- you may not be aware that the haggis lives only on the steep slopes of Scottish mountains which due to the basaltic and volcanic nature of their formation are almost perfectly cone shaped. Over the years they, the haggis not the mountains, have evolved into two related species the levo- and dextro- haggis. (This was reported in Scientific American or Nature magazine a few years back). The outcome is that the haggis have legs shorter on the left (levo) side or right (dexro) side to facilitate their walking around the mountain peaks in search of food (heather mostly) These traits bred true as only a dextro haggis male can approach a dextro haggis female from behind and the same for the levo.

So when it comes to hunting the beasts you must do it in damp weather when the slopes are damp and slippery. As you chase them, the haggis run forward but slip further and further down the mountains to the flatland at the bottoms of the mountains. On the flats their legs work against them and they fall to one side, ready to be harvested.

Obviously if hunted in the dry spells they have better traction and run up the cone shaped mountains in ever decreasing spirals until they disappear up their own behinds. Alternately the more clever or athletic Scots just run round the mountain in the other direction (towards the front of the haggis) and tip them sideward so their legs work against them and they slide into the valley.

A few more interesting facts about haggis ...

The plural is, of course, haggi while the singular is pronounced haggus, only tourists look for haggis.

The original discovery of the haggis is credited to Jock MacTavish and Seamus O'Donnel who was visiting from Ireland. They were heather experts and stumbled across a lesser haggis on the island of North Uist. As the coat of a haggis is very similar in appearance to heather and so when threatened they simply freeze and become practically invisible. It was shear coincidence and back luck for that one poor haggis that Jock and Seamus caught it, they only even saw it because one of the wild ponies on the island near stood on it and forced it to run, bringing it out of hiding. Being Scottish, Jock's first instinct was of course to catch and eat whatever this thing was, and so the tastier aspects of haggis was discovered.

Now some Scots will insist to the the death that the haggi are real, they are of course correct. (See appended article - more can be found by searching on "Haggis Hunt") Others will say it's just a way of attracting tourists. Well, these are really undercover protectors of the the haggi and do not wish anymore of a decrease in the community of the creatures and so try to cover up their existence. In truth, the haggi are not even their main concern, if the numbers got too low then people like my dad wouldn't be able to hunt them to feed Nessy. And this exclusive scoop just in ... The following has been anonymously contributed by a Scottish gentleman who prefers, for now, to only be known as McAnonymous for the reason stated below:

I would not wish this information to be for general consumption as the Association of Haggis and Bogle Hunters will disbar me if they find out I have squealed.

The part of the story not told (up to now they have been fairly accurate), is that the Haggis is one of the fastest creatures on this planet. It can outpace a bullet when in full flight. The only way to shoot them is to fire at them and then whistle, the creature's innate curiosity makes it stop when it hears the whistle and the bullet catches up.

That is why a Haggis has a hole through it and the entry and exit holes are tied with string to stop the innards falling out.

Now you have the full story but you must keep it to yourself.