How will a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder cope with Erectile Dysfunction?

Answer 1

I had a relationship for ten months with someone who I believe had narcissistic personality disorder. We are both men. When I first met him, my gut instinct told me to get away from hin immediately. He was cold, socially inept and there was something I couldn't name but my gut was ringing alarm bells. I also did not find him in the least bit attractive, I had seen a photo of him on an internet chat site and spoken briefly to him on the phone. In person, he just did not seem to be what I had imagined at any level. I felt anger also at his opening statement but did not respond. I also felt guilty because he had travelled a long way to see me. He had two large bags with him, as if he were going on holiday for a long time. I took him back to my hotel and made some tea and we began to talk, even then I was feeling a sense of something amiss. We did have sex and I found it very unsatisfying though he seemed to really enjoy it. I just couldn't get any emotional connection. We talked a fair bit and suddenly I felt responsible for his well being - my opinon is that he had begun to read me and sensed I was a care taker and protector by nature, so he played the vulnerbale, innocent, being used by those around him card. I do recall this growing sense of guilt within me that I didn't find him attractive and also that suddenly I was feeling that he was a good man who needed soemone to help and guide him through a difficult time. I did have a gap from him after this and the feelings began to subside, he had invited me to his home for his birthday and I didn't go. I began to feel a sense of releif and had pretty much decided not to see him again. However whenever I signed on to msn messenger, he would open a chat window and I found myself chatting with him until early in the morning, gradually beginning to ignore my online friends. I had another trip away planned and I felt guilty about the fact I didn't want to invite him and so I did invite him. He told me he loved me this time, that he had been waiting for someone like me all his life and as things went on he said he wanted a civil partnership and would carry my child if this were possible. I was very much in a place where I wanted to give my love to someone and so I believed what he said, even fantasising about our beautiful future together. Throughout all of this he was unable to maintain an erection during sex. It didn't bother me as he assumed the sexually passive role and I was comforable with that. However he increasingly put subtle pressure on me to give him more and more sex and I enjoyed it less and less, feeling like a performing seal. I was now constsantly finding myself telling him how beautiful he was and giving him love and affection. I was feeling tired like I never had, confused and torn between wanting to be with him all the time and never wanting to see him again. I cannot explain what this feels like. It was as if there were now two parts to me, one addicted to this man and the other wanting to escape from deadly danger. Occasionally he would attempt the active role with me but he couldn't do it and I kept on assuring him it was fine. He also asked that we have sex where he was submissive to me and I agreed to this, all my boundaries seemed to be falling over and I was feeling a loss of identity and self. Constantly wishing to get away from him and constantly wishing to be with him if I wasn't. He had also told me a lot of lies right from the beginning and these began to come out into the light. When caught out, he told more lies sometimes in the form of rationalisation. My head was rapidly using up most of my energy in trying to work out the truth. It was a waste of time, with this man the truth was never going to come out. He had told me when we first met that he hadn't had sex for four years. He said that he had met other men but he said there had been no sexual activity with them. It then came out that there had. On and on llike this it went. As he was unable to give a reason for having told me this particular llie, I suggested - was it because you were afraid you wouldn't be abel to get an erection. he flatly denied this but would not give another reason. Later on when the subject had come up again he said he had lied to me about this because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to get an erection. So he took my old theory and tried to use it on me. By now I had come to believe that everything he told me should be taken with a pinch of salt and yet my self doubt was increasing. The other main theme that was recurring was that he was always looking over my shoulder to see who i was getting messages from on the internet, he did this with a jolly voice and a big smile, "Let's see who you are talking to then." If I tried to do the same he seemed very guarded, giving off signals that I ought to give him his space. I began to think I was jealous and paranoid and a bad person undeserving of such a lovely man. That is how far down people like this can take you. He would also say he would call me and not do it, say we would meet on MSN messenger when we were apart and then not turn up or be hours late. I found myself sitting around waiting for his contact. I exlpained how frusrating this was for me and always got a sorry. Wthin a couple of days it would be back the same. He was walking all over me and I was putting up with it, telling myself i was being controlling and unreasonable. I was being trained to see myself as inadequate in every way through this process of manipulation. By the time December 2008 came I think at a subconscious level I had had enough. My last visit to him was enjoyable, I was very relaxed, singing as I went about and not really taking much of what he was saying on board. I got a sense he was watching me and a little surprised, I wasn't behaving the way I ought to be is probably what he was thinking. He had a couple of stabs at trying to provoke jealousy in me, saying he had seen a very attractive man in the woods and then saying no, there was no man there only his equipment. At this point I think I knew finally that it had to end. I just looked at him and walked away not even bothering to flag this, it would have only led to some crazy conversation with me thinking I'd imagined it. This man had a very stong sense of inadequacy in many ways. For me his inability to get an erection was not a problem. I was more interested in the person inside. For him, my belief is that he wanted to drag me down and damage me so that he could feel some kind of triumph. It didn't work, I ended things with him and then went through the agony of missing him. We had an attempt at being friends a few weeks later but I found myself once again sitting on msn messenegr until the early hours, feeling like I was being sucked back into a black hole. I also had a real sense of fear this time at a conscious level. He did not want my freindship, he wanted me back as it was before. At times I was tempted, once again the illusion of a beaufiful love in my mind. I could not overlook the games and lies this time though and eventually the contact ended. Even now I can sometimes think about him and go all dreamy but it will pass with time, I think this is normal for most people after exiting a relationship where there had once bene hihg hopes, no matter how unrealistic. I could list many more things about him but I have tried to stick to the question asked. I don't know how every person with narcissitic issues who also has erection problems would react - the bottom line here was - he pushed me for more and more sex and more and more "performance." He worked as hard as he could to stir up jealousy in me. He made sure I always knew that lots of other men were interested in him and that he was only looking at my messages to see who I was chatting to, it had nothing to do with jealousy on his part of course. I take responsibility for what happened. I chose to over rule my own intuition and I let him talk me into staying with him more than once. I have learned a lot about myself through all this and I am grateful. It is very simple really, exit a relationship of any type where someone tells lies to this level. Take responsibiltiy for your own choices and learn from your mistakes. Some of these people are very masterful at what they do but in the end it is their prey who are the winners. We can change, they probably never will. Paul