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NO. Never confront an abuser especially one who has demonstrated a violent history.

Never argue with her or disagree. Agree with him until he calms down. The only safe way out is to calm her down. Eventually no matter how enraged she is, she will run out of steam. Once he is either asleep or out of the house LEAVE. GET OUT. Do not try to reason with her because......

Abusers are predators, attuned to the subtlest emotional cues of their prey. Never show your abuser that you are afraid or that you are less than resolute. The willingness to negotiate is perceived as a weakness by bullies. Violent offenders are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail or emotional extortion - once you start compromising, you won't see the end of it.

The abuser creates a "shared psychosis" (follies-a-deux) with his victim, an overwhelming feeling of "the two of us against the whole world". Don't buy into it. Feel free to threaten her (with legal measures), to disengage if things get rough- or to involve law enforcement officers, friends, neighbours, and colleagues.

Here are a few counterintuitive guidelines:

The abused feel ashamed, somehow responsible, guilty, and blameworthy for their maltreatment. The abuser is adept at instilling these erroneous notions in his victims ("look what you made me do!"). So, above all, do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Share your story with friends, colleagues, neighbors, social workers, the police, the media, your minister, and anyone else who will listen.

Don't make excuses for him or her. Don't try to understand her. Do not empathize with him - he, surely, does not empathize with you. She has no mercy on you - you, in return, do not harbor misplaced pity for him. Never give her a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression. Teach him a lesson he is unlikely to forget. Make her go elsewhere for his sadistic pursuits or to offload his frustrations.

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser. Trap your abuser. Treat her as she treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

There are a few techniques which work wonders with abusers. Some psychologists recommend to treat repeat offenders as one would toddlers. The abuser is, indeed, an immature brat - though a dangerous one, endowed as he is with the privileges and capabilities of an adult. Sometimes ignoring his temper tantrums until it is over is a wise policy. But not very often - and, definitely not as a rule.

Read these articles for tips and advice:

AnswerIt depends on the situation, the degree of your relationship (wife, daughter, sister, etc.), and whether confronting him or her would jeopardize your safety.

I did confronted my abusive father. I didn't have the nerve to do it in person, but I wrote him a letter that was 4 pages long and told him everything I ever wanted to tell him. And you know what? It feels great! I am freed from the responsibility of having to pretend, of feeling responsible for his happiness and/or unhappiness, and the burden that I carried is gone.

AnswerI say YES. My father crossed the line when I was 15 and again when I was 19. My 2 sisters knew of the 1st incident but we never really talked about it and never told anyone else. I never told my mother;I was afraid she wouldn't believe me or that I (it wasn't me but my father)would cause my parents to divorce. I'm now 48 and have never told a single soul..I was ashamed and didn't want anyone to know what a creep my father was. I've been going to counselling to learn to let go of the anger and move on with some sort of relationship since my parents are now 71. Unfortunately, one of my sisters, without my knowledge or consent, last week told my 71 year old mother. She accused me of being on drugs (I'm not) and has disowned me. So now instead of dealing with the abuse issue with a professional and in private, I'm dealing with absolute rage at my sister as well as suddenly being without my mother and father. My mother's reaction is exactly why I didn't tell her 33 years ago. AnswerIf you think confrontation will "fix" the abuser, get a clue and give it up. Confrontation, however, can be a Declaration of Independence for the abused. Abuse continues as long as the object of that abuse is convenient and reasonably risk-free for exposure of the abuser. A child is at risk if he decides to confront his adult abuser alone. That child should find the courage to tell an adult who is willing to get involved by believing the abuse is real and factual. An abuser will gauge the ability and strength of the confronter. How that abuser responds to confrontation depends on the opportunity available to him by strength and ability. The same is true of a woman confronting a physically abusive man...or one capable of physical abuse where it has not been present before confrontation. Confronters are always at risk and should never doubt the reaction of a predator who has been backed into a corner. He will try to escape by any method he perceives is available...even by accelerating the abuse to remove the accuser. When the abused one is no longer at risk by virtue of numbers or strength, it is healthy for the abused to confront the abuser... healthy for the abused one... to give back a sense of personal power which will have been damaged by his powerlessness to avoid the abuse...or his guilt for feeling as if, perhaps, he deserved to be abused for some unknown reason. Confrontation throws the light of day on whatever deterrent there was for the abused one to have defended himself against the attack in whatever form it assumed. AnswerI am 22 years old yet I can definetly relate with Debbie. I was also abused by my father but at a very young age. My abuse carried on for several years, until I was old enough to realise what was really going on and put a stop it. I never told a single soul, but this resulted in me developing an eating disorder (bulemia) and therefore being a "wild" teenager and even adult. I justify my crazy actions, like drugs, casual sex, drinking and driving with the whole factor of being abused. When my parents would try to discipline me I would laugh in their face. My mother never understood where my lack of respect and resentment came from, until one nite (when I was 19) coming home at 4 am completely entoxicated the truth all came out. This caused my whole family to disintegrate. My mother kicked my father out, my two brothers moved away. My father became very depressed, he even attempted suicide. My mother was lonely since it was only the 3 of us left in the country (My brothers went to different country). I continued to live with my mother and felt sorry for her and even for my father, so, I found it in my heart to forgive my father and let him come back to live with us. It has now been 3 years since this happened and things are pretty much back to normal. My mom forgave my Dad, they are presently happily married. To them it is as if it never happened. The sad part is Im screwed up for life, or until I get some intense counselling. Because of my abuse as a child, I have already been in an abusive relationship with a man that was verbal and physical. I got out of that one last December 2003. Now I am currently in a relationship, which by me reading your information on this website, have realised is a narsassistic abuse relationship. Constant put downs and humiliation followed my passion and love followed by demeaning comments. So, for me this is a vicious cycle. I hope one day, I can get past all this and are able to live my life with someone that loves me and appreciates me as much as I do them. Answeri told my abuser why i left him viA a text message while he was begging me back. i told him it was his need to CONTROL me, THE FEELING OF WORTHLESSNESS, the NEVER BEING ABLE TO DO OR SAY ANYTHING RIGHT, THE CONSTANT VERBAL ABUSE, ARGUEMENTS OVER NOTHING, THE PHYSICAL ABUSE BASICALLY THE WAY HE TREATED ME THAT MADE ME LEAVE. HE SAID HE WAS SORRY THAT IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT. THEN MET A GIRL ON THE internet GOT ENGAGED IN 3 WEEKS TO HER. SHE CALLED ME TO SEE WHAT HE WAS LIKE WITH ME. SHES LEFT HIM. SO I GUESS CONFRONTING THEM IS ALL WELL AND GOOD YET. DOES IT REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO THEM I WOULD SAY NOT! Answer"Should you confront your abuser?"

Absolutely!

AnswerLook, I have a friend who wasn't doing very well lately so i asked him if everythging was ok and he told me everything was, but i could see something in his eyes that wasn't right. It took me 2 weeks to get to the root of the problem. Apparently, his step-father was abusing him and i was the first person he told me about it. The mere fact that he could confide in me was very touching, so I had to find a way to help him out. I am in the proccess of working things out right now. Just a message to victim's of abuse: Do not under any circumstances let your abuser break you down whether its emotional, mental, or physical pain. People will respect the fact that you have the will to tell someone or do something about it yourself, and if anyone thinks otherwise, then they are not really your friends. AnswerI personally wouldn't. I learned from that mistake. I guess it really depends how bad the abuse is though. I was in a horrible relationship with this guy who was very abusive. When I confronted him it was the worst thing I could have done. He was furious & had hurt me worse then ever before. It was so bad that when I tried to leave he locked me in the bath room for a few days. Point is, just be careful, sometimes the best thing is to just plot the best way to leave & get away from the abuser & never turn back.
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โˆ™ 2010-05-09 06:33:40
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