What are the acceptable social grace of a dinner table?

Answer 1

Manners and etiquette of 100 years ago seem very quaint and amusing to us today. Old books about etiquette can be found and read for free on the internet. They detail very elaborate rituals and social customs, even for dining at home. Society is far more relaxed in the 21st century, and "common" courtesy is not so common anymore. Nevertheless, here are some of the basic rules for behavior at a sit-down dinner.

(1) Absolutely no cell phones, tablets, or any other personal electronic devices. Using them at the table is an insult to the host, and disrespectful of the other guests. One exception would be a doctor with a beeper. If it should go off, the doctor asks politely to be excused from the table, and goes into another room to respond to the page.

(2) Keep "elbows off the table" only when eating. Between courses it is OK to lightly rest your forearms on the table.

(3) Dealing with an array of silverware: the rule of thumb is eat "from the outside in." The fork and spoon above the plate are for dessert and coffee.

(4) If you don't care for a particular beverage as it comes around, hover your hand over the glass or cup lightly with your hand. Don't turn it upside down.

(5) What to do with your napkin when you must be excused from the table in the middle of the meal? Some sources say to place your napkin in your chair and draw the chair in. Why would you do that? What if you have gravy or some other food item on or in your napkin that might be transferred to the chair? Emily Post says to leave the napkin on the left side of the plate, not folded, just informally draped there, and this my preference. Napkins are put on the right side of the plate at the end of the meal.

(6) Bones or pits should be removed with thumb and forefinger only, concealed behind the napkin. This can be done very rapidly, and the bone, pit, etc. placed discreetly on the side of the plate.

(7) Do not ask for any condiments that are not offered.

(8) Cut your food as you go, not all at once before you begin eating.

(9) Salt and pepper are passed together, even if the diner asks for only one. Salting and peppering food before it is tasted is unacceptable.

(10) Put your napkin in your lap as soon as you are seated, not as soon as you are served.

(11) No chewing with the mouth open, burping, slurping from the drinking glasses, reaching across other diners, or allowing the fork to scrape across the teeth. Eat in a leisurely fashion, not as if you are on a deadline or want to be somewhere else.

(12) Take at least one bite from each food on your plate, unless you are allergic to it. Leaving an obvious amount of untouched food on your plate is inappropriate.

The purpose of etiquette is to put people at ease, to provide a code of conduct that enables anyone to navigate social situations. It generally has the opposite effect, however, because people worry about the rules and whether they know them well enough for them to become automatic. Social customs are far more relaxed than they used to be, and so the rules outlined above are a good guide to being a proper dinner guest, one the host will be delighted to issue an invitation to again.