What can you do about a narcissistic ex-husband brainwashing your adult children to believe the divorce was your fault?

Answer 1

These are your children, too. They know you as well as anyone, and believe me, they will make their own decisions regardless of what he says. So, my advice is to maintain the best relationships you can with them and don't allow the drama of him or his comments to come between you. Lean heavily on the saying, "never complain, never explain." Find a place where you can enjoy one another and they will figure it out without your saying a word. If they don't, then you have to find your joy in your present life and family of the heart.

AnswerYour adult children should "catch a few more brain cells" and stay out of it! No one knows what goes on behind the closed doors of others and they have no right to take sides. I do believe they mean no harm and feel badly for both of you, but still, they are adults and they should stay out of it!

There are two things you can do here:

1. 1 Meet alone with your children and their mates. Tell them your side of the story and express to them you understand that they'd love the fact that you and their father would get back together, but they don't live with him and you did. DON'T BLAME EVERYTHING ENTIRELY ON YOUR EX HUSBAND as it will resolve nothing. Just tell them that he was difficult to live with, you are still fond of him, but now that they are grown adults you have a chance at life and you are going to take it!

1. 2 Meet your children and their mates with your ex husband along for the ride. Get the truth out in the open. This solution is a hard one because I have no doubt he'll be in denial mode and the fights on.

It's important you nip this in the bud now, get it out in the open by either method I suggested above and move on.

A bit more:

The first answers have some excellent advice, but for a bit more: If you try to explain or defend yourself by putting down your ex husband, they will then spend their time and thoughts defending him. And as long as they are defending him, they won't be able to see him for how he really is. This doesn't mean you can't speak up at times, it just means don't be the one to bring it up yourself. But when your children do bring it up, you can calmly, but firmly tell them your side of it, but without outright calling your ex a liar.

Also, if they criticize your actions (whether perceived or real actions) to you, you have every right to tell them what your truth is. But you also have the right to tell them it's between their father and you if you don't feel you owe them an explanation, or if you just don't feel like talking about it.

Just let them know you will always be their mother and will always be there for them, and eventually you ex just may screw up and show his real side to them. You may even have a few examples of when he's done them wrong to remind them of. Of course, I wouldn't recommend reminding them of it in a vengeful way, but in a way they can compare with present circumstances. But since they are adults, eventually they should see the truth. But if they don't, all you can do is try to have the best relationship with them you can in spite of your ex.

And if your best isn't good enough for them, then all you can do is wait for them to see their father for who he really is. And when they do, it will be painful for them, so don't say "I told you so". Just be there for them to lean on.