What do you do if your mum goes away forever and never comes back?

Answer 1

Your father will likely gain full custody of you and raise you as a single father if your mother decides to leave the family home for whatever reason. It is a sad situation, but unfortunately such things do happen, though rarely.

If your mum is a single parent but "goes away forever", you will be placed into protective care. That means you will be cared for by the local authority and possibly placed into a temporary foster home until a family relative can be found. Once a family relative is found, you will usually move in with them.
However if none can be found, you will be given a permanent foster home. If no foster homes are available, you will generally stay in an orphanage.



If you believe your mother has disappeared:

1. Contact other family members and inform them of your worry. Ask them to come to you.
2. Contact the police. They will come to you to ask for details and then look for her. if you have no way of contacting other relatives, they will look after you until a relative is found or until social services takes over your case.

If you believe you are in danger:

1. Call the police immediately. (Dial 999 in the UK. Dial 911 in US/Canada).

If you believe you are being mistreated or abused:

1. Call the police. They will send a child protection officer right away and will protect you.
   
2. Consider contacting a Children's Protection Service, such as the NSPCC (UK)or Childline (UK).
   

UK Contact details:

• Police number: 999
• NSPCC number: 0808 800 5000,
• Childline number: 0800 1111

The Childline number is anonymous and will not show on itemised phone bills, so nobody will know you called the number.

Answer 2

I will address a different issue: The death of a parent. While many children grow up in 1-parent homes or must split time between divorced parents, minor children can also go through the death of one or both parents. Even if a parent has been ill a number of years, the reality of a death is terribly jarring to experience if you're the child. It's common to have conflicting emotions like feeling glad the parent isn't suffering anymore, but feeling everything from anger to fear because the parent died. If a parent dies suddenly, a child is thrown into confusing emotions and new roles. For example, an older child might be expected to watch over younger siblings more, making the child feel older, but also risking feeling overwhelmed by such responsibility.

It's important to find adults who will listen to your feelings. Don't bury your sadness or your anger. Know that whatever you're feeling is normal during grieving, but also, the feelings can and do change. You may even feel numb or indifferent. It can help to draw pictures and write letters to your deceased parent. Talk about your feelings and your daily life. Remember, it's okay to be mad that a parent died. It isn't their fault, but even adults feel angry at times after a death.

It's also important for a child to find ways to still be just a child, to play with friends, attend school activities, etc. Find times to have FUN, run, jump, skip, play chase, bike with friends. You might find a couple friends you can talk to about losing a parent, but it can help if you don't focus on death during playtimes. It is okay to still feel happy, to enjoy yourself and your life. Your deceased parent would want you to feel happy and enjoy your childhood.

If you find that your sadness is constant, talk to your other parent, your grandparents, your aunts, uncles, or even teachers. Some kids need short term counseling after a death. The best thing you can do is talk about your loss, especially if it makes you feel different from other kids.

Take time to remember your deceased parent. Celebrate the parent's life. Collect photos and make a scrapbook. Write short stories of memories of the parent. Include what you enjoyed most. Write about baking with your mom; fishing with your dad... or even routine things like Getting Ready for School, or How my mom/dad said good night to me. Write down everything you remember were the parent's Favorite Things, from food to candy they liked, to colors they wore, to books they read. If your other parent kept some of your deceased parent's clothing or jewelry, ask if you can have one to keep. Hold it, touch it... and remember your parent. Play the music your parent liked, write down the songs, and feel connected to them.

Some kids write letters to God (whatever God you believe in, depending on your religion). You can tell God anything--even if you're really angry at the parent who died.

Losing a parent can take a while to begin to feel better. You'll always miss her or him, but it does get easier. By the time you are in your 20s and having your own children, you will treasure the scrapbooks and writings you made about your deceased parent. Just remember to "remember" them, the good, the bad, the in-between...

Where do the children live after one or both parents die?

It depends on the situation. If the other parent is in your life, you'll likely stay with that parent. But sometimes, the other parent can't take in a child or children. Sometimes, like I experienced, both parents die before a child turns 18 years old. In that case, authorities try to find a close relative who will take you. It might be a grandparent, aunt and uncle, or an older sibling.

If parents had divorced or were never married, the living parent may have re-married. A child might move in with the other parent and step-parent. Sometimes, the step-parent has other children. So, you'd live in a blended family with your living parent and step-parent and step-siblings.

Can I love my step-mom or step-dad, too?

Some kids feel guilty if they feel happy, as if they should forever feel sad about their deceased parent. Also, some kids feel guilty if they begin to love a step-parent "like a parent". But it is perfectly okay to have good times again, to feel happy, and even to love someone else just like you loved your parent(s). Loving another (step)-parent does not mean you're betraying your deceased parent. It only means your heart wants to love and feel loved.

It's okay to talk to a step-parent about missing your deceased parent. But...it's also very much okay to curl up on a step-parent's lap, put your head on their chest or shoulder, to ask for hugs, and all the things your biological parent used to do with you. In fact, your step-parent may hope you begin to love them--too. It's just the way hearts heal, by loving again.

The rules are different! I feel hated or disliked or picked on in my new home!

It's often true you might have new rules to follow. No two parents are the same about rules and disciplining. The adult may be worried about your best welfare, and want very much to protect you from being hurt. Give it some time to get used to the new rules, and do your best to obey.

Also, talk with the adult you're living with now. Some rules are set in stone, but sometimes, adults will soften other rules. But the best way to work it out is through talking it out.

What happens if the people I live with disliked my deceased parent?

Kids and their feelings should always come first with adults. But sometimes, adults don't do a good job of showing they care about a child's feelings. A step-parent might have disliked the parent who died, and some step-parents might talk badly about your deceased mom or dad. This isn't right--but it can happen to some kids.

Some kids who felt loved and treasured before suddenly begin to experience that they are treated differently by the adults now raising the child. Adults don't always do right, or they might not know what to do or say.

And sadly, some children who's parent or parents died also experience meanness, punishments, and even (sometimes) are abused in their new home. This is not always the case, thank goodness, but it does go on in some children's circumstances.

Children who are being abused in a second home NEED to know it is okay to tell another adult what is happening. You do not deserve to be abused. Seek help from a teacher or school counselor. Let other adults help you so the abuse will stop! If you feel in danger, you can also make a report yourself. If abuse is going on, you might be removed from the situation--but this is best to end abuse of you.

I feel so alone, unloved, unwanted, I want to run away!

Yes, children can feel very "alone" after a parent dies. Hopefully, your new living situation will help you to heal from your loss. But even in a bad situation, the answer is not running away. Run away children are at a greater risk of being harmed. No one wants you to be at risk of harm, injury, or worse.

Instead talk to a teacher or other adult. Call a hotline. Talk...Tell what you feel. Family or individual counseling can help a lot, especially to help a blended family feel more secure with each other.

Lastly, know that other kids have gone through the death of a parent and joining a new/different household. You'll find your feelings change as you go through each year. You'll have good days, and sadder days. But as you keep living, you'll find things do start to feel better.

That doesn't mean you won't still miss your deceased parent(s). They will always be part of you as you grow up and into adulthood. You'll always love them and wish they were here, even when you are 50, 60, 70 years old. The sadness never fully goes away, but it changes enough that you won't always feel sad.

Some DO's:

1. Talk about your deceased parent. Tell stories about your parent.
2. Realize your feelings will change and sometimes you might feel confused.
3. Bond with your "new family" and learn to love them, too.
   
4. TALK to your surviving parent; they feel sad just like you feel.
5. Write letters to your deceased parent.
   
6. Talk to your deceased parent in your mind. What would they say about...
7. Write stories, and more stories, about good and bad times.
8. Write poems.
9. Draw pictures.
10. Make a scrapbook or memory book; add to it whenever you want.
11. Do remembrance activities.
12. Join the school's chorus and sing for or to your parent.
13. Imagine your parent's face on holidays and happy celebrations. Imagine how proud your parent feels about you!
14. Plant flowers either on the grave, or in a flowerbed.
15. Talk to a priest or minister with questions about death, dying, and heaven.
16. Distance yourself from people who make you feel guilty or bad for missing your parent.
17. Find an older adult who will spend time with you. Bake cookies; go shopping; go camping, or whatever that person enjoys doing.
18. Ask to join a mentoring program at school.
19. Visit older adults in a nursing home. Some would love to have you visit and to hear about your deceased parent and your living family members. Or, sing songs for them.
20. And most of all, try to live and have fun with others. You don't need to be sad for forever; you won't be sad for forever.

Note: My dad died 3 months after I turned 12 years old; my mom died when I was 14 years old. I lived with my grandparents until I turned 18 years old.