What do you do if your spouse is overly jealous?

Answer 1

(This is incomplete, but most points are covered.)

(Replace "his"/"him" with "her" if your partner is female)

Since you're asking, it means you find your partner's jealousy exasperating or annoying.

Now, JEALOUSY IN ITSELF can actually be very benefical to a relationship,

MISTRUST however, is destructive.

Jealousy always means that your partner loves you,

(though his idea of love may differ quite a bit from yours)

and that your partner

1. fears losing you or/and

2. feels a lack of affection from you

( is missing what you give others ) or/and

3. is possessive ( "(s)he is mine only!") or/and

4. feels you're breaking the rules (explicit or implicit) of your partnership

For 1-2:

Let's look at "jealousy at a current situation" first:

(adapt this according to your and your partner's personalities)

Next time you're doing something in your partner's presence

that you suspect will make him jealous, check (look at him).

If you think it does, stop it at once.

If you think your partner will accept a display of affection

in the current situation, walk slowly up to him,

holding eye-contact, embrace him tightly,

give him a tender kiss on the lips, and say sth.like:

"You should know I love you. Even if I DO talk to others."

or

"I like some people. But I love YOU."

or

"You know, I'm very attractive. I could easily find myself someone else,

but I don't. Guess why?"

You get the idea.

Of course, this has to be both honest and credible to your partner.

Leave then. (Together, of course. Need I say that?)

If you think your partner won't allow a display of affection

in the current situation, leave as quickly as possible

and do this as soon as you have sufficient privacy.

It may go something like this:

"What's the matter (with you)? "

"I was getting the impression you were getting jealous."

"(flustered)"

[see above]

You may need to repeat this a few times till the message gets through.

Now let's take a look at "jealousy at a past situation":

This equals (maybe irrational) mistrust;

The "Where you've been? - What you've been doing? - And where did you get that bruise?" kind.

This is already possessive, but points 1-2 may still be the real reason behind it.

Your partner's jealousy is proof of his love:

This means you can treat it that way: as a compliment.

Do say that you'd prefer flowers / a seduction /...

It may go something like this:

"Are you looking for smooch marks again?"

"Yeah."

"So, you love me."

"Yeah."

"I like that."

Of course you can treat it as an insult instead.

(After all, it IS - from another point of view.)

If your partner's mistrust is NOT irrational,

you need to remove the grounds upon which the mistrust is based.

Note that it may be irrational from your point of view,

but not from your partner's.

In that case, let him explain

(give him time to think about it),

give it some thought

( a few minutes to a few days),

then tell him where you agree and where you disagree and why.

A very simple solution is if you can both agree

on mutual sexual infidelity.

(It's not infidelity anymore if you both agree to it.)

After all, from an intellectual point of view,

sexual fidelity doesn't make any sense anymore.

(If precautions are taken.)

Why should you mind if the one you love has some fun,

and it doesn't hurt anyone in any way?

(Unless you're coming short yourself.)

This works only if both are very liberal-minded and unpossessive people.

In which case you probably wouldn't be reading this, unless Nr4 applies.

On the other hand, sex with the one you love should always be more pleasant (though less exciting) than with some stranger.

So infidelity doesn't make any sense either, except for excitement.

For 3. possessiveness:

A) Again, you can accept it as a sign of your partner's love.

Note however that it usually gets worse as time goes by.

So think hard on under what conditions you'd still be happy

(or at least content) and draw the line.

If the line is crossed, run / break up.

B) Treat your partner. Break up his concept of possession.

(You may need professional help for this.)

Make it clear that (s)he will defenitely lose you

if things continue as they are,

but that (s)he MAY probably "keep" you forever

if (s)he can accept that your relationship MIGHT end anytime,

from both sides.

Help your partner to find a way to express his love

that cements your relationship instead of destroying it.

Demand his cooperation - you don't stand a chance without it.

For 4. your partner feels you're breaking the rules:

If you ARE breaking explicit rules you agreed to,

pay the prize of cheaters. Otherwise:

Ask your partner where (s)he'd set the boundaries;

if they differ too much from yours

either compromise or defy them as too constraining.

Tell your partner the rules that you WILL adhere to.

Note that rules always apply to both partners.

Your partner will either accept, or leave you.

(or terrorize you -> refer to "abusive relationships")

Often when one partner is excessively possessive and jealous, it turns out to be a case of the jealous spouse "projecting." He may believe that if the situation were reversed he'd be tempted to cheat, therefore he convinces himself that you must feel the same way and would act the same way.

Don't argue about it, it will just make you appear defensive and maybe even guilty in your spouse's eyes.

You've been married a long time, too. Sometimes insecurities set in when you've been together so long. You can't always control these feelings, and they aren't always rational. You may start wondering if your spouse still finds you attractive, or perhaps you've begun taking each other for granted. Then suddenly something happens to make you see your spouse as a man again and not just a father and/or husband.

An innocent kiss or even a look from another man, may suddenly have caused your spouse to realize that you are not just his wife, but you are an attractive woman who can still turn a man's head. That can definitely make someone insecure. Often an insecure person, will lash out in an attempt to regain control and confidence by putting someone else down. Certainly not a mature way to cope, but neither is it uncommon.

My husband and I kind of went through a similar situation. We'd been married for about 10 years, when he found out a friend of his had a "crush" on me. Needless to say he was not pleased. I finally got sick of his jealousy, and we sat down and had a long talk. And believe me, it was like pulling teeth to get him to cooperate, but eventually we worked things out. He still doesn't paticularly like it when other guys flirt with me, especially younger guys, but we deal with it and we COMMUNICATE. Now we are both allowed to have friends of the opposite sex and even flirt, but we make sure to let each other know they're not taken for granted, that we still love each other, and try to always reassure each other that while we may flirt the only people we are really interested in and attracted to are each other. And we've promised to always be honest with each other. He tells me about the customer who came on to him at work, and I tell him that I spent an hour talking to a male friend on the phone while he wasn't around. He even laughed when I told him about the cute younger guy who...um... "reacted physically" to me when I flirted with him.

It may not work for everyone, but it's done wonders for our relationship.

What I do does not seem to work. Overly jealous people, i.e., women, have a pre-conceived notion about men, and no matter what you say or do to disprove her jealousy, its not good enough. It gets to the point that you begin to think like her and that's when the bombs go off. Once you confront her about the same type of jealousies she's been having about you (i.e. the phone rings twice then hangs up, her being inseparable from her cell phone - even in the bathroom, etc) there is no rationalizations there. It becomes a full blown war, and no end is in sight. Believe me, the jealously and insecurity is much farther embedded in this person and was not necessarily placed there by you. She may even go so far as to blame you for putting that lack of trust there, however when you try to make her realize that she does the exact same things that you do, yet you don't make these things issues, she'll find a way to get around her actions as being justified and resort to berating you again for something else. Makes you want to pull your hair out and set your head on fire!

You can't predict how other people are going to act. Why didn't your husband say something to the person kissing you on the cheek? He has a problem with other people actions, he needs to stand up to the plate and say something. You weren't going around kissing people. He is the man that is to protect and defend you. I would go to the phone and call the person that did the friendly kissing, explain that your husband is upset, then put husband on the phone. If he won't speak up then tell him to shut up. You cared enough to show him there was nothing going on and that the behavior wasn't helping your relationship. make boundaries that no hugging or kissing is allowed. yYu tell the female friends and he can tell the male friends. If he doens't comply with the rules, go out separately without him.

My boyfriend is very overly jealous, and many friends of mine have told me it may be a sign he's cheating himself. I know I really need to communicate with him because I find myself lying to him all the time about male friends and everything else because he snaps, but I am afraid it will cause more conflict if I bring it up.

My husband is over the top, he checks all my school work, clothes and private stuff. He has my e-mail address and even hears all my phone conversations. Sometimes I think that he is just plain crazy. When he arrives home, he leaves his car two blocks away from the house then walks home through the alley. When he finally gets home he first checks threw all the windows then enters threw the back door. Afterwards, he checks all closets and rooms. This is truly embarassing since we live with my parents. I also think that he is totally crazy since he works diffrent hours, and every time he gets home he checks my body for any marks. If I have a scratch or a bruise, he says I had sex in the car.

HE IS CRAZY... But I love him, and I know that in the past, I have given him reason to doubt.

Communication is the answer. You need to talk to your partner that your relationship is on the rocks, everytime he or she gets overly jealous of the things that he doesn't even know well. One of you should open this topic once in a while to be able to get to the real cause of the jealousy. But you know there are really partners who just get jealous without any reason at all. All that I can say is paranoia, which has no medicines for it except to develop trust with your partner.

Jealousy is a portion of INSECURITY, and it will BREAK a relationship. There is not a good jealousy. There isn't an "overly" jealous. Jealosy is just that. Its insecurity, some people know how to deal with it. We have all made mistakes, but when you cheat on someone, that is soooo wrong. There are a lot of people that instead of saying "Look, you can't do this" they will stay in a relationship and stay comfortably miserable! Counseling and therapy are great ways to deal with insecurities, but a lot of people never get there.

I just left a relationship where I was accused of being "sick" with jealousy. I haven't been in a relationship where I felt jealous in years and years until this one. Not to say I haven't had the human nature type of jealousy before but not like this. The reason I was jealous is that I was insecure in the relationship itself. I'm a very open and honest person and share my life with the one I'm in love with. There are no secrets between us. There were things that my boyfriend would "forget" to tell me, or things that didn't make sense and when asked about, he couldn't and wouldn't offer an explanation. His lack of communication led me to draw my own conclusions, and he chose not to add his own. Once this pattern is established, it only gets worse until it is either resolved or the relationship is over. My boyfriend didn't tell me how he felt, made mean-spirited comments to me, rarely complimented me, and it seemed as if he didn't truly care about me. When a person feels loved and is happy in a relationship, there usually isn't jealousy. It's when the jealous person's needs are not being fulfilled that there is an underlying feeling of insecurity.

I suppose it really depends in the cultural background. For instance, in American culture (as seen in most answers above) jealousy is seen as a weakness, marker of insecurity, even "sickness". Whereas in some other cultures around the world showing that you are jealous (even excessively) is a form of showing your undying love for your mate. As an American, in my cultural context, the presumtion of love through a show of jealousy seems a passive/communicationally immature way to express oneself. But as with all human communication it is all about the agreement in style and context of communication that a group, community, or culture lives into. Therefore asking your partner what is happening for them emotionally that makes them feel the way they do...is probaly the best bet. That also means being 100% committed to them and attempting to understand where they are coming from. Sometimes a world perspective can help tame the beast that is defensiveness.

Well, cure her insecurity. Sometimes it's your fault because maybe you have done cheating before so she can't get over it until now. All you have to is secure your love to her, insert more effort in caring for your relationship and put God in the center of your relationship then everything will be alright. It's a matter of proper communication and openness with each other.