What is going on if you've been married for almost 4 years and it's difficult to get your husband to communicate and the romance seems to have dwindled?

Answer 1

Aha! The magic #4. This is usually the time when the magic of the relationship takes a 90 degree turn and leaves both partners flat on their faces. First the couple meet and it feels like they are walking on clouds and fireworks are going off. Then they start dating and things seem fairly OK there too. They get married and some raise children and while they are all busy working, raising children and paying bills they don't notice the changes going on in their marriage. Your problem is quite common and most of us have to deal with this. It takes work to get into some healthy habits with your husband and yourself, but men sometimes just don't know what to do or how to fix problems in a marriage so it's up to the woman to instigate it. I've been married 34 years to a wonderful man, but like any other couple there was a lack of communication when we first were married. It's as if they landed us by marrying us and don't have to work hard to keep us and they can act as if they are still single and do what they please (even if it's going out with the boys to fishing or golfing). I'm sure they don't mean this, but that's what it can feel like. Women can feel neglected when their husbands don't pay them compliments, never buy them the odd bouquet of flowers or simply say, "Hey hon, let's get out of here and go for dinner and a movie." It's also nice to hear from your husband that you're pretty, cute or "I love ya girl!" It's just the way men can think at times and it doesn't always mean they don't love us. Try again to talk to your husband and when he gets home from work make coffee, let him have a beer or whatever and sit down together. Take at least 1/2 hour to sit and communicate. Have the TV off! Start out by asking how his day is and if he has problems try to put your heads together to work them out. Then tell him about your day, but be sure and don't whine about silly things. Throw a curve every so often and just be silly, sit on his knee, or, start planning a holiday together so there is something to look forward too. It doesn't even have to be an expensive holiday if money is a concern. I started to teach my husband how to communicate by doing the above. He now enjoys coming home (has his shower) then we sit and have tea or coffee together (sometimes he'll have a beer or wine.) I ask about his day and we go over any problems he may be having at work, then he asks about my day. After that he's pretty much free to do as he wants or what I want. Often we will simply go for a walk by the river with the dogs and that sure helps to clean out the old cobwebs. It's always healthy to retain a social life as well. If you don't have much cash to spare, choose friends you both like to come over in the evening and have "potluck." This way no one is stuck with a big food bill. It can be as simple as chips and dips, veggie platter, dessert, etc., or as fancy as you would like it or a simple old BBQ. It's important as a couple to get out at least once or twice a month and have some fun. If you can't afford a babysitter ask either of your parents or a trusted relative or, you can switch-off with a girlfriend and no money is involved. It's also important to try and like a few things he may be interested in (and he should have the same respect for you.) My husband is an avid fisherman and always was, but when I was younger I use to detest it. It only took a year and I was hooked like a fish! LOL Now it's myself that is coaxing him to go to Campbell River fishing for Coho and he's getting quite excited. We both love the ocean and fun in the sun. We just don't plan to fish, but fish during the morning, come back for a snooze, go for dinner, then fish in the early evening, get back and shower and hit a club in the evening. So, each of us has the best of both worlds. By doing this we also meet some great people. It is also very important that the wife can retain her own independence and I don't just mean she has to go to work. It's good to join a club, volunteer, or, make a date with a girlfriend and go out and have some fun. If you are too close to your husband it really does become a bore and by going out on your own husbands generally find they really do miss their wife. Women need to feel needed and appreciated so, sometimes if we can't get it at home you can get a part-time job, volunteer for a group you are interested in or just go out the odd time with girlfriends. Hey, you could even go on a mini holiday with a girlfriend and have a good rest! LOL I've done that. I wish you good luck Marcy