What to talk to a widow on my first visit to her after her husband died?

Answer 1

Try to stay away from the most common question no doubtedly she has heard a million times, "How are you doing?" What a rediculous question! Everyone knows how she is doing. What is she supposed to say? "I'm OK." or "Hanging in there." She doesn't need to hear any of that... One of the things I learned from my father, a crisis counselor was to be attentive to the other person's feelings. Asking them how they are doing isn't going to cut it. They will invariably spout off some canned answer that won't reveal anything. One of the best questions is, "How are you holding up?" This kind of question will provoke a deeper answer from her. You will be more likely to get an honest response. Don't pretend to understand what she is going through, unless of course, your husband has already passed away. So, don't even pretend if you haven't lost a spouse. Stay away from statements like "I can't imagine what you are going through..." All that will do is ressure her, you don't have a clue what she is going through, and put her off of opening up to you. Rather, tell her something to the effect that you understand that she is enduring a lot of pain. The first year will the most difficult. She will be going through a lot of firsts... The first Christmas without him, the first New Year, etc. etc. Tell her that it will be hard to do, but suggest that she think about all the good times that the two of them shared on those days, and that she can still enjoy those memories. Assure her that over time the pain will subside. Never suggest that she will forget, but reassure her that remembering can be a good thing. Tell her that each person has to deal with death in their own way, and a way that is good for you, may not be the best way for her. She has to find that process herself, and you cannot deny that grieving process to a person. All you will end up doing is prolonging the time it will take for her to go through it. Offer your help in her quest to find the right process. Most of all, go over to see her with one thing on your mind, to comfort her. Tell her that if she ever wants to share some of her feelings with you, not to hesitate. Never try to pry anything from her, just make her feel comfortable with talking to you..... The more comfortable she feels with you, the more likely she will be to open up, and let those feelings out. Most times it will take more than one visit, be patient, and there for her..... Most of all, listen to her. don't force the issue. After all the letters in the word listen can be rearranged to spell silent.... == I would express that I am so sorry that this happened. If I had a good story about him (funny or reflective of character) I would say that. Offer to meet her for a meal somewhere or for some other short time, easy activity--don't just say call me whenever.