Why are you proud to be a Jew?

Answer 1

I am proud to be a Jew for so very many reasons.

First and foremost, we're famous. Our direct ancestors are the stars of the greatest work of literature ever conceived -- the Bible -- which is adored by around three billion of the world's people. It tells how we came to be. The Bible is our family album... literally. We're really, really well known. There are perhaps 30 million Jews on the planet earth. That's one-third as many people as a dozen African tribes nobody has ever heard of. But you've heard of us. Because that's how we roll. We get things done.

Second, we're athletic. Not. Well, there was that one guy... well... no, there wasn't. We're nebbish. I'll give you that.

Third, we're smart. And I mean really smart. As of last year there have been 800 Nobel Prizes given out over the last century, since the prize began in 1901. How many went to Jews? Nearly 180. Folks, there aren't a lot of us running around this planet. That's some serious achievement. We've also taken home 14% of the Pulitzer Prizes for fiction and a completely staggering 51% of the Pulitzer Prizes for non-fiction. There's only a few million of us running around. There's only like one of us for every 500 of other people! How are we taking half the Pulitzers? We've got a tradition of education and literacy going back thousands of years, generation after generation, reading and studying, while the primitive masses around us whacked things with rocks. We laid the foundations of the entire field of law (that's from the Bible), including personal injury compensation, property law, liability... read it, it's all there. We've been busy.

Fourth, we're honest. We don't go around making up stories about people. We don't write Protocols of the Elders of Wherever and announce to the world that Wherever is plotting against them. We don't spread ridiculous lies about other peoples feeding on blood, murdering children, or practicing witchcraft. We just try to do our thing until somebody comes to murder us and drive us out of the country. Then we do the same thing there. Then we do the same thing someplace else. If you ban us from this, we'll do that. If you change your mind, that's cool too. It's all good.

Fifth, we're clean. Throughout the middle ages, while the illiterate European masses died by the millions of plague after plague, Jews were frequently spared the mass casualties. Why? Well, we Jews had a little secret that we kept hidden for thousands of years... I'll whisper it... we bathed, washed our hands before eating, changed our clothes, and watched our diets. Don't tell anyone... they'll think we're weird. The science of the day told everyone that it was secret witchcraft that kept us from dying of the plague... and that we were responsible for it!

Sixth, we're not stingy. Jews are the most selfless and generous people to ever live. The fiction about Jewish stinginess comes from the middle ages. When the Roman Catholic Church controlled most European governments, it was illegal for one Christian to lend money to another. So, successful Jews stepped in to lend money to the Christian population. They saw it as a great opportunity, since they were banned by law from participating in any other sort of employment. And boy were we great at it, like any one-trick pony. So great, in fact that we got really, really rich. So, the monarchies would pass laws to cancel debts owed to us, confiscate our property, usually murder us, and then generally expel us from the country by force with nothing but the shoes on our feet (and the diamonds sewn into our hems -- I said we were smart, right?). So, naturally we're a little reluctant these days to cut loans to people. But that's just when it comes to loans. When it comes to charity, nobody tops us. In February 2009, the Chronicle of Philanthropy announced its Top 50 Philanthropists of the Year. Guess how many were Jewish? Remember "philanthropy" means literally "loving mankind" and today we use it to mean specifically giving money away to charity. Go ahead and guess how many of the 50 were Jewish. Sixteen. Sixteen out of fifty. Folks, the Jewish population of the world is about 0.2% of the population. We should be giving $1 for every $500, not $1 in $3. But we do it anyway, because we love you crazy gentiles.

Seventh, we're kind. Two old Jews were living in Argentina and discovered quite by accident that an old Nazi war criminal lived in hiding in the next town. So, they each grabbed a knife and set out to wait for him to come home from work to kill him. They waited. They waited. They waited some more. Finally one said to the other, "Moishe, do you think he's ever going to get here?" To which the other replied, "I don't know... I sure hope nothing happened to the poor guy." It's a joke, but that's the way the Jewish mind works. We can't stop being nice, even when we really try... the kindness just slips out. We don't want to be mean... even when necessary. Remember the rocket attacks coming from Lebanon? How long did it take Israel to fight back and do something about it? Fourteen months and 900 rocket attacks before we decided we had to kick some tuchis. And then what did everyone say? Oh, stop... give peace a chance! How many unguided high explosive rockets should San Diego have to endure from Tijuana before Tijuana gets a smack-down? I'm going to say fewer than 900... because nobody is that tolerant and nobody else loves peace that much.

Eighth: Jews are funny. And not just funny-looking. We're everywhere, all over comedy. We're directing, writing, you can't turn on the TV or a movie without some Jewish reference or line of yiddish. We've put our mark on all of society. We're ubiquitous.

Answer 2

nuffing their Jews