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Sometimes it's a case of you reap what you sow. Just because you gave birth to her does not mean she automatically have to love and respect you if you have not given that back in the first place. Mothers also seem to have a different attitude and pressure on their daughters then on their sons. Sons also seem to have no problem getting help from mom while daughters like to stand on their own 2 legs and be more independent. It's not hate, just breaking away and becoming an adult. Some mothers don't like it or don't get it because they never had that with their moms or they don't want it to happen. The mother-daughter relationship can be quite complicated and it starts early. Also being an adult and maybe even with a family of your own, it then can be very aggravating to be treated like a child by your mother. Some parents have a hard time to let go or to see how their child has changed. Some Adult children are so afraid of being seen as unable to cope that they deliberately hit out at the one person in their lives that unconditionally should love them, and accept them for what they are. The thing that adult daughters should remember though, that if they in turn have children, they reap what they have sown.

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โˆ™ 2012-08-02 13:02:42
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Diana Smith

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โˆ™ 2022-05-31 07:27:06

I wish I knew. Then I could take responsibility for it, and I would process that information and do the right thing whether it be apologize and mean it or walk away. But I have not yet figured it out. I have reflected on many of the checklist items she gave me on things that bother her. But I never reached the end. I deleted it once because it was so painful. Basically, she doesn't like who I am at all, which is surprising since most people like to be around me.

My eldest daughter and I have always had a butting heads type of relationship. When she was very small, I was her world. In the years to come, she'd let me do things for her, but she often complained, wouldn't chip in and help, and talked down to me. I taught at the private college prep school she attended, and being that close was hard.

I developed a problem with alcohol when she was in her later teens. I fell apart. It took me a while to "pull it together," but my child made things much worse by treating me so terribly. I went to rehab, afraid, concerned about my girls, and just plain sick having to face what I become. She promised me to call and/or letter every day. She'd take good care of the condo, and she'd watch over her sister. Well, she never once called or wrote. She trashed my condo and sold my things. The list goes on and on, yet she is the one who ended things with us.

I have never understood why, though I feel my general personality makes her uncomfortable. She's very rigid and super sensitive, and not always comfortable in her own skin. I am direct and honest, and a goof. But I am not always comfortable in my own skin either, especially around her because I feel she is always judging me. I think she feels the same about me.

She did not invite me to her wedding. I can't say that without tears welling up. I wonder if she'd care, but I wish she knew how devastating and shattering this has been on me-my soul-my heart-my life. My older sister's as well. She loves both girls, and though we both know we made mistakes, my daughter says she's made none, this is 100% my fault. How is growth possible if there's no room for error and reflection? My sister realized how the girls may have felt abandoned when I was struggling, and they needed help and support. We both feel they are resentful of me being with such a low life as my ex, but at the time, I thought he was so kind and good to everyone. We loved each other so much, and when my oldest daughter would be unpleasant, I didn't say anything when the sociopath replied or reacted. I let them know each other and hopefully like each other. Sociopaths come in between loved one's relationships, which is what he did to my sister and me. The girls too, but we haven't had a chance, maybe never will, to discuss it.

She walked away-gave up, and it had just been about communicating and I wanted us to have a more adult relationship, with thoughtfulness and kindness along with respect in the mix. Something I have rarely experienced as she grew into adulthood, professionally and now, married to a wonderful guy., We could easily have worked through this, but she doesn't fight for us. She never has. It's much easier for her to walk away from my life, taking my youngest daughter with her. I can't see how they are living with themselves, except I know they make up these stories, probably used them at the wedding when people asked where I was. They get together, me being the common "enemy" and the oldest convinces the youngest her version of a situation [of fairy tale] and regardless of how deeply untrue it is, they stick with their story and each other.

Will she ever realize what she has done and is doing, but past actions lead me to believe no. I don't want to lose my youngest [don't' want to lose either] but I can only reach out when my gut lets me know of an opportunity. Thanks.

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Q: Why do adult daughters hate their mothers?
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