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After leaving a narcissist should one contemplate the relationship in order to heal or is it healthy to just try and forget it all?
It would be important to understand yourself enough to figure out why you were drawn to that type of person in the first place. I can't believe that you didn't have some clues at the beginning of the relationship, but often we ignore some of the warnings because something else draws us into a destructive relationship. You need to understand why and perhaps see if you can do something about your self-image.
seeking opinions,not criticismI believe you misunderstood my question. In the first place, I am thoroughly convinced there is nothing wrong with me. I do not believe that I was an 'easy mark' for a narcissist, nor was I drawn to any particular "type". Ny ex N was an extremely intelligent and charming man (in the beginning) and gave no warnings early in the relationship. It is only in hindsight that I see any inklings of such red flags that may have alerted me in the beginning. The abuse increased gradually, as it often does in these cases. You are reading this site, so perhaps you must have been involved with an N yourself. We don't see them coming. We certainly don't invite this treatment. Would you say it was true for you? My self image has not suffered for this, only my heart that was broken to realize that the person I cared for is not capable of caring back. This is anguish enough. Right now I struggle with the futility of the situation. If you had read my question carefully you might have recognized that my dilemma lies in deciding if soul-searching is more healing than a total letting-go. I seek others opinions, not criticism. answertrying to "forget it all" will lead to repressed anger which causes depression and stress. You have to process it all, go through a stage of grief. Allow yourself to feel bad, thinking what could and could not have been. its all very natural. It isn't easy but try not to blame yourself. Time will heal and you will be much wiser for the experience. You WILL get over it. He will never be able to get away from himself. AnswerContemplation is worthwhile, but I bet you will never be able to understand fully what the other person was thinking or why different events happened. I think it is kind of like the story of the frog in the water: he gets cooked because as the water heats up to boiling, he doesn't notice the temperature. Patricia Evans in her book, the Verbally Abusive Relationship, says this is because abusers have a different reality and it is probably not in any way what yours is. So, instead try to think about how you felt about yourself before, what you enjoyed doing and the good friends you have. Then, go and do more of that to find yourself again. Despite all my knowledge and experience in this, I have been trapped by abuse at work three times and by abusive boyfriends several times--I just get better at getting out. But, I have to put the time into regrouping afterwards. Just mark it up to experience and move on.
What else can I help you with?
Why do narcissist's have patterns of leaving a relationship and then come back but then finally in the end to end it for good?
Narcissist can be sadistic, it feeds their ego and gives them a sense of power to devalue and discard.
How do you help a narcissist?
The question is help them how? Refer them to counseling, but they don't want to be fixed, though you may want to fix them to be a 'normal' person so you can keep a relationship with them. If you are a lay person and in a relationship with a narcissist, you cannot help them. Just by the nature of your relationship and the pathology of a narcissist, things will get ugly, it will be at your expense and there will be no change in the narcissist. A good therapist will be the one to help a narcissist, but it takes a great deal of work on the part of the narcissist, a commitment to healing, only they don't see themselves as 'broken' or anything wrong with them, so an honest introspective communication with a therapist is rare. It's so hard to understand. Leaving them is best for you though and isn't that sad that that is also the way to help a narcissist, because they are sucking your goodness from you and using it to buoy themselves. So sad.
Is it common that victims will want to cut ties with the narcissist's friends after leaving the relationship?
It's normal and it's the thing to do. By staying in touch with the friends of the narcissist it still links you to the narcissist. Move on and start a new future. What friends? A true narcissist has no real loyal friends. They are known as supply. Those friends who are true to you will "self select" and will make their choice when you break up. However, if they want to maintain contact with the "narcissist" then you need to set them free. It just creates chaos in your life.
You think your husband is a narcissist what do you do?
# Get counseling for yourself. # Do NOT Tell him you suspect he's a destructive narcissist! # Learn all you can about this incurable personality disorder # Think about leaving him and things will NOT get better.
In the beginning of a relationship would a narcissist be aloof until he finds out you are thinking of leaving and then suddenly be completely opposite to how he was?
Definately! He was in danger lof losing his supply so he kicked it up a notch! Yes they always increase the voltages if they see you getting stronger.
When a narcissist claims to love someone else immediately after leaving you does he really love her?
obviously no because true comes only once
What do you do if you have reached an impassse with your narcissistic spouse and they are prolonging the silent treatment toward you?
Go to counseling. Rejoice! And again I say, rejoice! There is no silence more golden than a narcissist's. To not have to hear that annoying voice! It is truly heaven. Let me tell you how things work with a narcissist. They come from opposite land in Bizarro universe. The only way to get a narcissist to be nice to you is to (paradoxically) treat them terribly by ignoring them entirely. If the narcissist is ignoring you, you must have done something awfully decent and nice to deserve this. Do you see the impossibility of ever successfully dealing with and having a relationship with such a person? I would say, take immediate advantage of the impasse and the resulting silence by leaving the narcissist. No matter what you do, never pay any attention to the narcissist again, and don't talk or call or write unless forced by law to do so. The narcissist will always think of you, in the Bizarro universe way, as a wonderful person and will crave your attention, which you will never give. Thus exacting justice on the narcissist while taking back your life. Too bad you have to be mean to show a narcissist how wonderful you are, but you didn't start this thing. You should be the one to end it, though.
Do narcissist want you to hate them after they discard you?
A narcissist will always try to exit leaving you feel as if you are the one to blame for the failed relationship. This is just in case they decide later down the road when they need you again and want to recycle you like all others before, that you will respond with with open arms and legs to allow them back in for more destruction to be had. They cant fathom you hating them when they did nothing wrong that was not just deserved. They just dont think like that unfortunately.
What does it mean if you and your partner have dreams about leaving or hurting each other?
Nothing - my husband and I have a variety of dreams that concern one another and we have a very healthy, loving and fun relationship. I wouldn't read too much into it.
How can you end your friends relationship not yours?
by leaving them alone.,,,
Is it possible for a victim of a narcissist to become a true friend of the narcissist after leaving the relationship for a second time?
No. A victim of narcissism will probably leave that relationship with several insurmountable obstacles to friendship. First, victims of narcissism will typically be filled with rage (unless they have bought into the lies of the N and have been broken down). Since there is no reasoning with a N, they have years of unresolved hostility that has not been able to be expressed. Second, it seems that the N loses his/her "human" status to many victims. It is impossible to view the N as a human being with normal emotions, thought processes, or predictable reactions. That's because a N does not have normal, adult emotional processing. They are broken. Unfortunately, there is no fix/cure for narcissism and there is no hope of maintaining a healthy relationship with one who suffers it. The victim needs to walk away -- for good. And in the end, it's what the N expects anyway.
What is the danger of leaving and no contact with a narcissist?
Maybe some danger if there are concommitant pathologies. Do it smart, do it thoroughly. Overall, MUCH less danger than staying with the N.
