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Armadillos are usually faster than humans; especially fat ones like me. Unfortunately, they have such poor eyesight that they tend to run into obstacles once they have built up a head of steam.

In 1989, around 11:30 at night, I pulled my '82 LeBaron "Ol' Yeller" over on a bridge and proceeded to try and catch an armadillo using a puffy coat...(it can be cold in the fall, even in East Texas.) The armadillo was just casually walking...minding its own business...until it saw me in the street light...freaked out...and ran away at a rate of say 10 to 15 miles per hour...(top speed is "supposedly" 30 mph according to a decent internet site I found on armadillos...and "yes", thirty miles per hour would be incredibly fast in my world!)

Once the armadillo took off...it immediately ran into oncoming traffic, where a small Jap truck ran over it ("yes"...the wheel of the truck bounced on and over the bugger). The animal then did a back flip or something and started to run in huge ten foot circles like a maniac.

It was now easy pickins' for me.

I stepped in front of it and scooped him into my jacket. Its shell was pink with scuffed bloody marks...but it had done its job...the armadillo would survive despite being run over by a mini-truck.

I was not so lucky.

Within three months, I had lost four fingers and seven of my toes due to armadillo transmitted leprosy. (Of course, that is an urban legend...and also a lie.)

What really happened is...

I brought the animal home to my servant who lives in the shack behind my plantation home. She killed it, gutted it, carved it up and sold it as pufferfish steaks to a local Brookshire's grocery-store deli located out near Lake O' the Pines. (They recently hired some hot shot Vietnamese butcher/sushi expert who thinks he knows everything about raw fish, including the notorious puffer.)

Boy, did my old working-girl fool him with our newly processed armadillo meat.

Anyway, I took my 85% cut of the profits...in addition to promising my old servant woman not to get rid of her/our/my learning disabled grandson who lives with her. (He does this really kooky dancin' thing when he walks, so I kinda enjoy having him around.......though I just wish he would stay out of the pig sty. (Some of that stuff he does in there just ain't natural.)

Anyway back to the question. Armadillos can take off really fast... reach 10-15 miles per hour very quickly and supposedly can max out around 30 miles per hour, thereby causing them to sometimes run into crap and knocking themselves plum silly.

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13y ago

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