What would you like to do?
Do adult children of narcissists usually contact their abusive parents after being abandoned?
Children from Narcissistic families are no different than any other children who have been abandoned. As the child grows up and is old enough to trace their parents some do, while others are angry or quite comfortable where they are. However, if possible it is a good idea to locate your biological parents if for any other purpose, but to get a medical history from them so you can use this info in your future. Depending on the circumstances and if you know where your parents are and if you know your family doctor that also treats your parents you may beable to get a court order and get their medical history this way.
Please don't blame yourself for being abandoned. Many parents or even one parents will live a life of remembering what they have done. As we grow older we are left with only memories and some come back to haunt you.
Good luck Marcy
I only WISH my mother had abandoned me. However, she needs to have me in her life to further validate her reason for being. By having me, but not where she wants me, she can mesmerize her audience with tales of what a wonderful, giving mother she was, and just look -- look! -- how she's being treated.
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recovery can be a good or bad idea. it matters what kind of problems your teenage child has. cutting EXTREMLY DEEP or suicidal= yes recovery. HARD DRUGS=yes recovery little we…ed, shrooms at times or whatever else every now and then, as long as it isn't obsessive it shouldn't matte rto awful much but keep an eye out.
Time really helps - you will survive - and you will come to the realisation that you are better off without them - relationships with narcissists are abusive and you don…'t need that - with time you should understand your true self-worth and that you deserve better than to be treated in the way that you were - these forums also really help to make you realise that you are not alone
I'm looking myself. The closest I've found so far is Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA). It's for people who tend to put others first in relationships and then wonder why they fee…l so drained, abused, etc., etc. It's to the extreme, though, that they don't walk away -- can be like an addiction although it does not involved alcohol, drugs, or even sex.
Yes there are children, usually teens, who abuse their parents both verbally and physically.
I'm a daughter of parents with narcissistic personality disorder. I'm 29 years old and am only now realizing the reality of my life so far. I have been in denial all these ye…ars all the while knowing something was seriously wrong. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I have been sucked dry, an empty shell of a person. but Now all the pieces are visible. A part of me feels I couldn't be more unlucky, more lonely. I wouldn't wish this state of affairs on ANYONE. But I know now there's nothing left for me but to move on. I see that clearly and for my own sanity I really have no other option. There's no working anything out with these people. They are more like black holes than human beings. To be around them to me feels literally like someone is suffocating me. the guilt i feel is that dibilitating. when I was little I used to have constant night terrors which i believe are actually subconscious panic attacks released in the dream state because of the overwhelming guilt one would feel expressing these reactions in waking life. And as I've become an adult i turned into the most painfully shy, awkward, withdrawn, nervous person you could possibly know which is the total opposite of who i realy am. I've tried for 29 years to make things better between us thinking it was my responsibility to make them better! And there had been so many people i went to for help who didn't take me seriously. All i really said was that i was severely depressed because that's all that i knew. They always told me to go out and make friends or told me i would get over it. but even the friends/boyfriends i had been making, my closest ones resembled my parents so much i went through a period of giving up on all relationships. a total recluse that lasted about 8 yrs and i am just coming out. I have one sibling too who is abusive towards me. you could say I was totally surrounded. that i was a hopeless case. I surely have said that so many times secretly to myself. I've surely regularly have prayed i would just die. With so many of my peers dying in car accidents or from cancer or whatever, young men with lives and potential I never understood why it wasn't me instead since i felt i had nothing to live for and i was a total failure. Its an all around ugly story. But here is my hope.. I didn't turn out like them. Yes I'm scared. Yes I'm feeling utterly alone. Yes I am broke and broken. But also a spark is kindling inside of me with this revelation. I am proud to have gone through hell and back and come out the other side intact as the person that god made me, loving and nurturing. And I have resolved that the abuse ends with me. Tell yourself that over and over. It's an empowering statement. Forgive and forget. DON'T ever go back. Your home awaits you. You do not need to sacrifice yourself for love. Love would never ask such a thing of you. God can help you. God can heal you. This does not come from a religious person trust me. It comes from a survivor. It comes from the truth. Look at me and everything I've gone through and i am not bitter because I am happy that I am intact! Surely it is by the grace of god. Move forward and know that Love is in you and god will come through for you with strength and the right people and a better, happy future... granted I'm still looking for mine. I hope I've been able to help someone out there. God knows this site has helped me enormously just to shed some of the guilt I feel. so Thank you and god bless :) Who wrote this? It kept reading this because it mimicked my life to a tee! God Bless you. And, you are right, God is the only one to give you strength through recovery and health. Can Children of Narcissistic Parents ever Recover? YES, you can recover from NPD Parents! First of all you need to learn about recovery and what recovery really is. There is 12 step recovery and then there is therapy and then there is Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) or Meridian Tapping for emotional relief. And, there is now the 'recovery model' in the mental health field. Alanon is also a great place to get support. There are stages to your recovery: First you realize something is wrong and you go about searching for answers. Then you discover what NPD is and it is a devastating stage to go through as it is like losing a parent that never existed in the first place. Seek support from someone who will listen and validate you and not deny your reality. It is extremely hard to find someone who can supportively listen to someone talk negatively about a parent to the extent of never wanting to speak to your parent ever again. This is shocking to people who had loving parents. Thus, your reality is invalidated which causes further injury, emotional abandonment and rejection. Then one may look further to either find a therapist who "gets it" or to seek your own kind - to see if there are any other adult children of NPD parent groups. The sad yet good news is that there are many of us out there and they are forming online support groups more and more. Just do a Google search on what you are looking for, like "narcissistic parent forums or groups" or something like that and do some research. If you found your way here, you know enough to do some searches. In support groups of other ACON's you will find support and MOST IMPORTANTLY - VALIDATION. It is the one major thing we did not have growing up. We had no voice, we had no boundaries, we had no loving care and our reality was invalidated so much we were left not knowing what to believe, even our own gut intuition. Thus we had to guess at what normal is. Then the next stage of recovery once you have found your group or "tribe". It is the stage of just being able to finally talk about it, hear how others are talking about it, hear how others are dealing with it, etc. etc. This is a bittersweet stage but it can bring a sense of a new freedom and renewed hope. You get what you never had - support, validation, listening. It's like the family you never had. You may not like everyone but you know they "get it" and that forms a special bond that helps repair the fact that you had a mother/father who could not bond. When you start to get the feeling that you are starting to get tired of hearing all the venting and complaining and realizing that the focus is still on the NPD person, past or present you may be one of the lucky ones to look for further recovery. There is more than just being validated and seeing how wicked and bad the NPD is. That is when you begin to look at you. This can be done in therapy and or via 12 Step, say Alanon or Codependency type recovery or Adult Children type of recovery. It's not really enough, but close enough until we create groups specifically for adult children of NPD parents. In some support groups, some of them don't really "get it" either because their focus is on alcoholism of course and most people in society don't even know what a Personality Disorder is. But if you take the Pro-Active suggestions for SELFCARE you will be recovering. You will be recovering yourself and your self-neglect behaviors that you internalized from having a parent that programmed you to love them but not yourself. That is why Self-Care is extremely important - I can't emphasize this enough. Why? Because when you take care of yourself and all your needs (1.) you are providing what you did not get as a child and (2.) you are experiencing what you did not get as a child. There is a healing magic in that experience. OK, back to recovery. There is also The Recovery Model which is relatively new and it's in the Mental Health field and it's about Wellness. So you can search for WRAP - Wellness Recovery Action Plans. Basically it's about self-care to stay well and knowing your triggers and red-flags and having wellness/healthy strategies in dealing with them and with life in new ways. This is great because you are creating your own individualized recovery program. Your recovery can include going to 12 step or other support type meetings - support for emotional abuse, childhood abuse, relationship abuse, etc. etc. Your recovery can include working the 12 Steps which is really about taking a look at yourself and stop blaming the NPD for all your problems which in turn helps empower you to make changes to be more in control of your life and your reactions and not feel like a helpless victim anymore. Once in Recovery, a lot of emotions come up naturally. The best, easiest, painless, fastest way I have found - and I've been looking for a good 20 years now - is EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). They don't call it Emotional Freedom for nothing. It truly helps relieve you of distressful, intense feelings and the body sensations that go along with them when you are triggered and upset. It is way better and faster than EMDR. All those fears and anxieties, all the regrets and resentments, the rage, the deep sadness and pain, all the stuff you put up with, all the sick dysfunctional relationships you wasted your love and energy and time on - ALL of these things can be "Tapped" on with EFT. EFT is where you Tap on acupuncture points while feeling the distressful feeling (it also includes some eye-movements) - you don't even have to get all the way into the feeling, you don't have to have a breakdown or breakthrough or whatever, and you don't even need to analyze or figure it out and all that. All you have to do is tap and your body relaxes, the emotion subsides and your brain then naturally processes the issue and you feel like it's behind you now. You can learn EFT for FREE at www.EFTUniverse.com where there is a FREE manual of how to learn it - it's really very easy, you just memorize about 12 tapping spots, and the site has hundreds of pages of examples and tips all free. So why not use it on NPD Parent Recovery issues? You can use it on anything. You can also search YouTube for videos showing you how to use EFT, and tap along. So that brings us to the final stage of recovery which is basically getting a life and living it for the rest of your life. It is about creating your life the way you want it, self-care, learning how to socialize with the good people, learning what to do with your triggers and issues, learning what you enjoy in your life, taking actions that are positive and have positive experiences and results for you. And therein lies the recovery life - you do things that give you a positive experience. Notice I said DO things - you don't wait until you "feel like it" or until you are recovered or healed enough or until your depression goes away or whatever, you are pro-active and you take action and you "Just do it", like Nike says. You can Tap you can read spiritual and recovery material, you can pray, you can work the 12 Steps, you can devise a WRAP, you can go to therapy, you can read books on your disorders, you can express yourself in groups or in journals, but until you begin to IMPLEMENT healthy actions into your life not much can or will change for you. Why? Well, what the heck do you think you are recovering? You are recovering your life and yourself. It's more than what you are recovering from; it's what you are recovering to. What are you moving toward? What action can you take today that will make you feel good, valued, special, loved, healthy, well? What are you even like when you are well or happy? What actions do you have to take every day to stay well? Ditto for every week or month or once in awhile? Because if you did not take these actions what would happen? You would relapse, whatever relapse means to you. You can relapse into old behaviors, old ways of thinking, depressions, fears, addictions, isolating, etc. You know how you've been dealing with the affects of NPD - the best way you could given that you had no knowledge or resources. But now you do have knowledge and resources and though you were not in any way responsible for what happened to you, you are responsible for yourself and your life and your recovery now and for the rest of your life. So you might as well make the best of it. Recovery is the reward for all your hard work my friends. Recovery is more than the absence of pain, it is the new freedom and joy of life that you never even knew you could ever have. It's new friends, its peace and serenity; it's what you make it and many surprises along the way as well. Life will not always be great, no one said you are exempt from further traumas, tragedies, illnesses, hurts, losses, etc. life is still life, the good and the bad - but - you don't have to trudge it alone and you have tools now to help you get through. Then when you are there, you will turn and look and see how far you have come and you will see and know that there are so many more out there still suffering that you may want to share your recovery with others so that they too have a shot at this thing. Lastly, one huge aspect of NPD recovery for adult children is the topic of relationships. It's not bad enough we had NPD parents, but guess what? We get to have all the fun of marrying them and working for them and having them as best friends and the like until we have hit our bottom so to speak and take a look at why we are always victim to them, attracting them or attracted to them in some unconscious way. This is a big part of the recovery process, too much to write about here, but it includes taking a look at what you were thinking when you first met the N's in your life, and challenging beliefs you have about yourself (I'm too damaged, Healthy people are boring, I can fix him, I'll be rewarded for all my sacrifice, I can get approval from her, and finally I will be alright then.) When this survival plan does not work it is a devastating place to be in. You've tried your upmost best, given all of yourself and all of your prime years, your energy, time and money into trying to make these relationships work. Of course you did, you were programmed from the cradle to do so. It's ok that you did this, but now it's time to take a look at it and learn about choices you have, learn new ways of being in the world, new ways of relating to others, etc. And the reward is real, supportive and loving relationships in your life. Don't be surprised if this takes a bit of getting used to. You're not used to love and support. But my friends, you deserve it. You have been giving it your whole life - just imagine someone like yourself giving that love to you.
maybe because the parents were abused when they were a child and now, as adult, maybe they think that its okay abusing their own children. Sometimes, when problems stacks up, …they intend to take it all upon their children, they're gonna start blaming them for everything. They don't want to admit that its their own fault and they need someone to blame, and so they blame their childrens. When the child gets on his/her parents' nerves, they shouts at the child and when the child starts crying because of fear, then the parents panics because they don't want anyone to hear the child cry and so they tend to use physical abuse or some parents doesn't even care and just hits them. When a woman gets pregnant, sometimes, they tend to be really depressed and when their child grows up in 5 years, it'll change their whole life and when things go bad, they'll blame them and start treating them someone as a filthy kid. Or fathers/mothers beat them up just for fun, because their angry, they think that they should've never kept the child cause the child just gets in the way, or how the child looks or how the child is isn't what they want, and so they get angry at the child. And no, i don't knowhow i know that, i mean I've never been beaten up cause I'm like only at middle school
Is this elderly person really narcissistic or are they suffering from Dementia or Alzheimers. My bet is on the last two. These are the symptoms: ParanoiaAccusing others of ste…aling or doing things they are notArguementativeCryingRagesMemory loss Regaining memory for short periods of timeStriking out at the caregiver (kicking, slapping)Abusive languageAlienating themselves from family and friends These are only a few of symptoms. I went through this with my own mother and took it personally for awhile. Then I realized through the doctor after she had an MRI scan done on her that she was indeed suffering from Dementia. They put her on a drug called "Resperidol" and she was almost her old self. Unfortunately, this drug is not a cure, but does slow down the retardation of Dementia and Alzheimers. I do sympathize with you, but please, if you can, have this person evaluated by their family doctor before making judgment calls against them. Good luckMarcy Answer There is no dementia present in my father. He is a classic narssist. At the ripe age of 93 he only becomes more vile each and every day. I despise him for abusing my Mother, myself and sexually abusing both my children. My father so severly damaged my son that he lives on disability after graduating with a masters degree. As my Mother lay dying in her hospital bed, he came to visit her once, I refused to bring him, she had suffered enough. One thing my Mother despised was to have her feet touched and the first thing he did was tickle her feet. After her death and during the funeral arrangements we had agreed on mid-grade funeral. My brother had ben buried in a copper tone casket, I found it more than appropriate to bury mother in the same kind of casket. My father was all for it, later that night I overheard him speaking to another family member that he had wanted her buried in a white casket. Liar, and classic N signature. I always bought my Mothers' clothes and chose what I wanted her buried in and that turned into another war. What does a 93 year old man know about fashion and how a woman should be buried and presented at death? She wore a beautiful Calvin Klein suit, which I knew she loved. So, now I am stuck with father all the time, leaving my own home and husband. My father and I constantly fight and I feel so guilty, but I know that is all part of his game. He will not take his heart meds, he must have them delivered like Mother used to do. I will not. He complains about his menu, because it is not like Mothers. On and On he goes about everyhting, until I explode. My son was a huge help to me at first, but then father smarted off to him about leaving a faucet dripping. The faucet has been dripping for 12 years. My son, is very verbal and really ripped into him and I thought he might even try to kill him because he had picked up a knife. This is the posistion a N puts you in after years of abuse. My son not only suffers from his grandfathers abuse, but the trauma of knowing he physically beat myself and Mother. After that incident my son had to be hospitilized for four weeks. My whole family has suffered so much due to this horrid man. Selfish,arrogant, and so much more he was, but to everyone else we were the perfect family. I keep his secrets no more and finally expose him for what he is-NOTHING.
By setting bounderies, and not letting ANYONE, no matter who it is, manipulate, lie, and bully you. You almost always need to "detatch" and "accept" the fact that NPD's …are wired differently. They are only 1% of the population. If you are normal, as you put it, you are NOT going to tolerate the drama NPD's seem to constantly create. Good luck. You really do have a choice in this matter. You always have choices even though sometimes they are hard to follow through on. You can either set up those bounderies and be consistent, or keep setting up lesson after lesson until you become aware of how YOU are allowing this to manifest in your life. You can ONLY change YOU!
Sure. Disowning a child has no legal effect in and of itself. That pretty much means you will no longer have any relationship with the child. If you mean you want to disinhe…rit your adult children you can do so. However, you must make certain to have your will drafted properly by an attorney who specializes in probate law in your state according to the laws in your jurisdiction. State laws vary and a professional can draft a will to make it invulnerable to challenges.
Narcissism is the personality trait of selfishness taken to an extreme level, and like any personality trait, it can be slowly changed through great effort or at least blunted… with behavior modification techniques. While it is possible for children of a narcissist to suffer some emotional issues due to their parent being much more involved with themselves than with their child, many children of narcissists find that emotional support from another parent, a grandparent, or through friendships. Psychiatric professionals constantly marvel at the durability and adaptability of children. However, not all children are that adaptable and if you are someone who suffers emotional issues because one of your parents is a narcissist, then you absolutely can be helped. However, please don't believe that having parents who are narcissistic will automatically cause you to have issues. This may be a root cause of some of your problems, but people are complex, and if you are happy and well adjusted, then there is no reason to fix something that isn't broken. However, often children of parents with a socially debilitating personality trait like this one will find that they are emotionally needy and/or that they share the very trait that caused them pain during their childhood. Personality traits are slow to change, and doing so most often requires therapy and commitment. Narcissism is extremely pervasive and most narcissists will not recognize it in themselves. They may seek treatment because they believe their parents have "messed them up" or they can see the negative results of their personality trait (poor relationships, immoral acts that cause guilt, etc.), but do not understand how their decisions are creating these situations. Plus, you'll work on becoming more adaptable as "emotional agility" (Not allowing the behavior of others to impact you) is absolutely key to being mentally strong. Ultimately, this is what is important. While personalities are extremely difficult to change, learning to blunt them so that people do not make negatively impacting decisions is not nearly as difficult.
There is no easy answer to this, other than to say that no one does anything without a reason. That reason may be illogical, irrational, selfish, egocentric, well intention…ed but badly considered, or based on any number of perceptions and beliefs. What is important is that if you are being abused, talk to someone. The counselors at your school are specifically trained to deal with these situations. Many teachers are as well. Find an adult you trust, and tell them. Ask for help. Just be prepared. The law, when they get involved, tend to take a severe approach to these situations. Ostensibly it is for the protection of the children involved. Unfortunately, they can cause as much or more harm as the actual abuse. It is important to try to maintain a cohesive family, but to help each other treat each other with respect and love. This next will not be so important now as it will later. If you remember anything from this answer, remember this: Your parents, what ever their faults, love you. It is an undeniable fact of nature that parents love their children. If they hurt you, they don't mean it. Their reason for doing it may be difficult or impossible to understand, and likely as not, they do it out of some warped perception of love. It is important that you find forgiveness once you are safe. Forgiveness is for you, not for the person who hurts you. It is your way of letting what happened go and not letting it haunt you for the rest of your life. You are never responsible for what is done to you; you are however forever responsible for what you do with it.
Money problems, relationship problems, job problems, it could have happened to them and they could think its normal etc.
* Narcissistic is used too freely. If your mother always had Narcissistic characteristics that is one thing and you may have to choose to stay away from her al…together to keep your sanity. However, as some people age they can have disease called Dementia (Alzheimer's) and can make them appear to be mean, self absorbed, paranoid, but it is the brain aging. Talk to your mother's doctor and let him/her know what is going on. They may have some suggestions as to how you should handle this. * Well the reason the word narcissist is used on this Wiki forum is because it is about narcissism. We must assume anyone posting questions and answer is already aware they are dealing with a narcissist. * As you look at the following answers, some people here obviously have no clue what it means to have a narcissistic parent. * I am undergoing the same thing. I thought it was dementia, but now I am not sure. She has dissociative disorder symptoms when she doesn't get her way. I noticed she emotionally manipulates me. If I don't respond the way she wants me to, she gets angry. She said, "I said confetti instead of spaghetti ha ha ha ha ha ahha ha ha hah aaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahahahahah" I said, "ok, ha ha funny mom." She said, "I don't think you heard me, I said confetti instead of spaghetti. ha ha hahhhahahahahahaha." I said, "ha ha." (that's the best I could do, it just wasn't that funny. especially since she wasn't letting me chose to laugh, but forcing me into it.) She said, "what's wrong with you?" I said, "mom, its a little funny but just not THAT funny." She said, "oh you didn't hear me, I said confetti instead of spaghetti. ha ha haha ha haha." I said, "ha ha I get it I get it." She said, "Then why aren't you laughing. I don't know what's gotten into you, but you are just plain evil now." click (hung up on me) Am I talking to a 5-year old? * It appears your mother has some type of psychological disorder and only a specialist can diagnose this. One poster suggest putting distance between yourself and your parent, but I disagree. Mental disorders are certainly harder to deal with then physical disorders (which we can see and understand), but mental or physical, it's best to take a small break (laugh if you have to at their jokes, but be firm other times.) I always feel that the elderly deserve respect and one must be careful if they once had a loving parent that is doing strange things and you decide to just up and get out of their lives. Once your parent(s) dies there is no going back to fix the mistakes you made. Try to have patience, take a break, then go back, but NEVER give up. Parents aren't on this earth too long and who wants to go through with regrets hanging off their shoulders. * Assuming your parent who we assume is a narcissist and abused you as does many Narcissists (diagnosed or not). Well whatever dementia or sickness has overcome them in old age is going to make them more miserable. They will get even meaner and behave even more erratically. Don't let them make you feel guilty for not "respecting" them and don't let well meaning relatives talk you into "finding it in your heart" to forgive and forget. The Narcissistic parent is not going to change. Just deal with it as best you can taking care of the parent physically while keeping your distance. Once death takes them it will come as a shock to you yet you will be relieved. Sure there is some aching and sadness, but it wont be any prolonged grieving as if you had actually bonded with a caring parent. Just wish them peace in the afterlife and get on with your life. * There is a far cry from being a narcissist to a person with other illnesses that can change their mental status and having Dementia. Remember, in most cases your parents (especially your mother) was there when you were ill during childhood (and probably saw you through problems in your adult life) and you certainly must have had some good memories, so why walk away completely when it takes a little work to try to put up with them for a few hours out of your lifetime. No, it's not easy and I know all about that, but hey, nothing in life that is worth anything is easy! Those who dismiss their elderly parents (who use to treat you well) deserve some kindness and of course you need to take a break and not feel guilty about it, but, when you love someone be it parents, grandparents, husband, child, friend, then you stick to the end. Life isn't worth living if you always take the easy way out! * I had a mother who was diagnosed Borderline personality disorder, a close cousin of NPD. She did develop Alzheimer's and I felt NOTHING close to grieving over lost love when she passed on. Some parents are mentally ill, manipulative and evil parent never had truly cared and nurtured their child unconditionally. There are no loving memories. In cases where the parent is mentally ill diagnosed or not, it is especially the mother who inflicts the most abuse. Living with nightmares and trauma memories all our lives because some mental health "professional" could not and would not "diagnose" her mentally illness a long time before. We are surviving victims of abuse. We know, we see, we feel what has happened. * Often people put the label of 'Narcissist' for the sake of a better word and can put it in the this section. Some parents can be cruel throughout the life of a child or children and just be mean to the bone. A person is not a narcissist unless a psychiatrist has deemed them so. If one is so sure their aging parent is insane and cruel then there are ways for a doctor to psychologically test and diagnose the aging parent. There are other mental diseases that can imitate a narcissistic personality and I feel indeed that some people shouldn't have children! The parent should be tested by a qualified psychiatrist for a true diagnosis (could well be narcissistic trait) but what if it's Dementia. * To this day psychiatrist are studying whether Narcissism exists alone or is meshed in with other disorders. Here are some links: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=940DE4DC1E38F932A35752C1A96E948260&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=all http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism_(psychology)
If the person is an adult, you would be wise to avoid dealing with him/her at all. You are not responsible for their personality disorder, and attempting to ameliorate it will… only lead to more problems than you have already. You can get support at this site: http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/
when children grow up in violent homes they think it's normal behavior to control a weak parent because it's all about power and control
I do not think they do. They lack the ability to acceot that they are anything but right. My narcissistic ex-husband abused alcohol. Being a psychologist he came up with all s…orts of intellectual theories to support his argument that he did not have a problem with alcohol. I believed him at the time as he had and still has a good job. Once you leave a narcissistic relationship you begin to unravel fact from fiction. FACT! Someone who drinks 20 units of alcohol every day has a problem!