How can adult children deal with conflict of loyalty when their mother has left their narcissistic father after 30 years marriage?

Answer 1

If the father is truly a narcissist (and, therefore, an abuser) - you should have no conflict of loyalty.

Sorry to see you are going through this.

I've hear narcissistic in many posts, but sometimes I wonder if the shoe fits the person. A person can be a perfectionist, then there is the type of people that have to be "right" at all costs even if they aren't, and be careful, some people can actually be ill, on medications and their personalities will change. If your father doesn't fit into any of these catagories then I guess he is narcissistic.

You have to break the problems down. Firstly, when a couple have children it is usually the women's job to look after those children for a great deal of their time and so life is pretty busy with a couple and their children. Suddenly the children leave home and there sits the parents staring at each other and wondering what the heck they are going to do with each other. Married couples go through some hard changes in their lives. Retirement is another bad one unless the couple have planned to keep busy during the retirement years. This could be part of the problem as well.

Try talking to your mother at least and see what her feelings are. If you don't feel you can talk to her or she is unwilling to listen then these are the rules to go by"

• They are still your parents
• YOU don't have to chose between them!
• These problems are between your mother and father.
• It's time you and your siblings sat down with both parents and told them you love them both, but if they don't stop the bickering when you are there, then you won't be coming back until they grow up.

I know this sounds harsh and it's going to be tough because you've always had to listen to your parents, but you and your siblings are adults now and deserve the respect back from your parents that your parents expect from their children.

Sorry to say you and your siblings have to butt out of this relationship, but be sure you let both parents know you love them. Your parents will have to decide if they are going to stay together or leave each other and only the two of them hold the key to their problems.

If they stuck together for 30 years then there has had to be some feelings between them. They simply can be getting on each other's nerves since all their children left the nest.

Your parents will always be your parents so don't feel you are in the conflict ... they are! Good luck Marcy

When it comes down to the nitty gritty , the loyalty leans a bit toward the narcissistic father anyway. He is the one those adult kids have always been afraid to cross; so they are always loyal to him.They will bend over backwards to please him because they want to stay on his good side.They will not worry about loyalty issues.Mother has always loved them no matter where loyalties lie.

You can maintain the relationship you have with each parent...but they have to come to an agreement not to attempt to make you the middle person for their differences. You, as an adult, recognize the strengths and failings of each of these people and they should recognize that. I am a mom with a similar background and it has been a comfort to know that my children recognize my success at civility with the ex-spouse. My relationship with them is my own and not better or worse than his with them.