How should a man handle a woman he considers abusive especially when the abuse often triggers rage?

Answer 1

I think the man should separate from the woman...immediately. This is not to condone the rage or angry behavior (shouting?), but it seems to be an imperfect response to inexcusable behavior. It is a vicious cycle and is not good for either party. If it is early in the relationship and otherwise things are good, a good communication class for both parties might be in order. But if the abusive behavior continues, then it is a deal breaker to the relationship.

There is little difference between male and female abusers. See the external links further down this page.

Before I could offer any suggestions - I need to have EXPLAINED what is meant by "the rage such abuse often triggers?" It sounds like - when you are abused? you then rage. Is this the case??? If you are raging at her then in all probability and from experience - she is trying to defend herself!!!!!!!!!!

Abuse is abuse period. I am a man that recently left an abusive relationship with a female narcissist. The abuse was mostly non-verbal - silent treatment, withdrawing and other manipulating, control tactics that infected me like a slow poison over time. I made a stand and left the woman, which is the only viable option. It hurt tremendously, but you have to respect yourself.

One method abusers use is to revicitmize the vicitm by including the naive commmunity in on joining him in order to do so.

It is best to leave abusive relationships in the past.

Read below:

Stalkers and the Borderline Personality

The Borderline Personality

In recent years psychologists have learned about and done case studies on a new personality disorder which the DSM-III-R classifies as an Axis II disorder- the Borderline Personality . This classification includes such personality disorders as the Anti-social Personality, the Histrionic Personality and the Narcissistic Personality. Several psychologists (including myself) diagonosed my stalker as afflicted with the Borderline Personality. Characteristic of the Borderline (derived from research done by Kreisman & Straus, 1989) are:

a shaky sense of identity

sudden, violent outbursts

oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection

brief, turbulent love affairs

frequent periods of intense depression

eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies

an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone

Not much research has been done on the Borderline Personality, and for many years it was difficult to diagnose- and to treat. A Borderline often feels as though his/her life is marked with a distinctive emptiness; a void in which a relationship often acts to fill. Many times the Borderline is a victim of an early dysfunctional family situation and/or emotional/physical abuse by those he/she trusted early on in childhood.

The Borderline is psychotic , in the original, psychological meaning of the term: he/she is not in control and not in touch with reality. To the Borderline, a softly spoken word of advice can be construed as a threat on his/her emotional stability. An outsider's viewpoint that the Borderline is not in touch with reality often ends in a bitter and irrational dissassociation from the outsider on the part of the Borderline. Often, the Borderline ends up very much alone and victim to his/her disillusions.

The Borderline stalker is very apt to see his/her actions as perfectly justified; he/she has paranoid disillusions which support these-often with disturbing frequency. The Borderline often has brief love affairs which end abruptly, turbulently and leave the Borderline with enhanced feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt and a fear that is not often experienced by rational people. When the Borderline's relationships turn sour, the Borderline often begins to, at first, harass the estranged partner with unnecessary apologies and/or apologetic behavior (i.e. letters of apology 'from the heart', flowers delivered at one's place of employment, early morning weeping phonecalls, etc.). However, the Borderline does not construe his/her behavior as harassment- to the Borderline he/she is being 'responsible' for his/her past behaviors.

The next phase of the Borderline Personality develops relatively quickly and soon he/she feels suddenly betrayed, hurt, etc. and seeks to victimize the estranged partner in any way he/she can. Strangely enough, this deleterious behavior is always coupled with a need to be near or in constant contact with the estranged partner . While sending threats to the estranged partner, it is very common for the Borderline to begin to stalk his/her estranged partner in an effort to maintain contact. This effort is motivated by the excruciating fear that the Borderline will end up alone and anger that [the estranged partner] has put him/her in this position. We are finding, in many cases, that a great deal of stalking behavior is associated with Borderline or related personality disorders. Earlier research did not incorporate the Borderline Personality in stalking profiles; research now is beginning to focus on the Borderline in such disorders as Erotomania, etc.

IF I have understood the question correctly, it sounds as if the abuser (in this case a woman) may be trying to provoke her male partner into attacking her physically. If this is the case, DON'T fall for it. DON'T get into a rage; just walk out. What she is doing sounds like calculated trickery based on the knowledge that for many people the key image of domestic violence is that of a man beating up his female partner. Although professionals, such as social workers and judges may be theoretically aware that there are many forms of emotional abuse, many have real problems getting to grips with the concept. Consider, too, that if your abuser can 'turn the tables' on you and make you appear the abuser, she will feel morally as high as high can be.

IF I've understood the situation correctly, and it's quite possible that I haven't, and IF your partner is succeeding in sending you into a monumental rage, then arguably you are two consenting adults playing a very dangerous game of 'abuse me'. (I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but something in the relationship seems odd over and above the abuse. On the face of it, you seem to be claiming the right to rage on the grounds that the abuse is so painful. Get out before something worse happens.