Abused Men

Instances of men being abused by their partner – physically, emotionally or even sexually – are as prevalent as women abuse. Unfortunately, many of these cases go unreported because male victims have to contend with social standards of men being the abuser.

692 Questions
Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

How should a man handle a woman he considers abusive especially when the abuse often triggers rage?

I think the man should separate from the woman...immediately. This is not to condone the rage or angry behavior (shouting?), but it seems to be an imperfect response to inexcusable behavior. It is a vicious cycle and is not good for either party. If it is early in the relationship and otherwise things are good, a good communication class for both parties might be in order. But if the abusive behavior continues, then it is a deal breaker to the relationship.

There is little difference between male and female abusers. See the external links further down this page.

Before I could offer any suggestions - I need to have EXPLAINED what is meant by "the rage such abuse often triggers?" It sounds like - when you are abused? you then rage. Is this the case??? If you are raging at her then in all probability and from experience - she is trying to defend herself!!!!!!!!!!

Abuse is abuse period. I am a man that recently left an abusive relationship with a female Narcissist. The abuse was mostly non-verbal - silent treatment, withdrawing and other manipulating, control tactics that infected me like a slow poison over time. I made a stand and left the woman, which is the only viable option. It hurt tremendously, but you have to respect yourself.

One method abusers use is to revicitmize the vicitm by including the naive commmunity in on joining him in order to do so.

It is best to leave abusive relationships in the past.

Read below:

Stalkers and the Borderline Personality

The Borderline Personality

In recent years psychologists have learned about and done case studies on a new personality disorder which the DSM-III-R classifies as an Axis II disorder- the Borderline Personality . This classification includes such personality disorders as the Anti-social Personality, the Histrionic Personality and the Narcissistic Personality. Several psychologists (including myself) diagonosed my stalker as afflicted with the Borderline Personality. Characteristic of the Borderline (derived from research done by Kreisman & Straus, 1989) are:

a shaky sense of identity

sudden, violent outbursts

oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection

brief, turbulent love affairs

frequent periods of intense depression

eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies

an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone

Not much research has been done on the Borderline Personality, and for many years it was difficult to diagnose- and to treat. A Borderline often feels as though his/her life is marked with a distinctive emptiness; a void in which a relationship often acts to fill. Many times the Borderline is a victim of an early dysfunctional family situation and/or emotional/physical abuse by those he/she trusted early on in childhood.

The Borderline is psychotic , in the original, psychological meaning of the term: he/she is not in control and not in touch with reality. To the Borderline, a softly spoken word of advice can be construed as a threat on his/her emotional stability. An outsider's viewpoint that the Borderline is not in touch with reality often ends in a bitter and irrational dissassociation from the outsider on the part of the Borderline. Often, the Borderline ends up very much alone and victim to his/her disillusions.

The Borderline stalker is very apt to see his/her actions as perfectly justified; he/she has paranoid disillusions which support these-often with disturbing frequency. The Borderline often has brief love affairs which end abruptly, turbulently and leave the Borderline with enhanced feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt and a fear that is not often experienced by rational people. When the Borderline's relationships turn sour, the Borderline often begins to, at first, harass the estranged partner with unnecessary apologies and/or apologetic behavior (i.e. letters of apology 'from the heart', flowers delivered at one's place of employment, early morning weeping phonecalls, etc.). However, the Borderline does not construe his/her behavior as harassment- to the Borderline he/she is being 'responsible' for his/her past behaviors.

The next phase of the Borderline Personality develops relatively quickly and soon he/she feels suddenly betrayed, hurt, etc. and seeks to victimize the estranged partner in any way he/she can. Strangely enough, this deleterious behavior is always coupled with a need to be near or in constant contact with the estranged partner . While sending threats to the estranged partner, it is very common for the Borderline to begin to stalk his/her estranged partner in an effort to maintain contact. This effort is motivated by the excruciating fear that the Borderline will end up alone and anger that [the estranged partner] has put him/her in this position. We are finding, in many cases, that a great deal of stalking behavior is associated with Borderline or related personality disorders. Earlier research did not incorporate the Borderline Personality in stalking profiles; research now is beginning to focus on the Borderline in such disorders as Erotomania, etc.

IF I have understood the question correctly, it sounds as if the abuser (in this case a woman) may be trying to provoke her male partner into attacking her physically. If this is the case, DON'T fall for it. DON'T get into a rage; just walk out. What she is doing sounds like calculated trickery based on the knowledge that for many people the key image of domestic violence is that of a man beating up his female partner. Although professionals, such as social workers and judges may be theoretically aware that there are many forms of emotional abuse, many have real problems getting to grips with the concept. Consider, too, that if your abuser can 'turn the tables' on you and make you appear the abuser, she will feel morally as high as high can be.

IF I've understood the situation correctly, and it's quite possible that I haven't, and IF your partner is succeeding in sending you into a monumental rage, then arguably you are two consenting adults playing a very dangerous game of 'abuse me'. (I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but something in the relationship seems odd over and above the abuse. On the face of it, you seem to be claiming the right to rage on the grounds that the abuse is so painful. Get out before something worse happens.

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men
Blood Types

What type of women get abused?

Abuse cuts across cultures, societies, races, ethnicities, and social-economic demographics.

But there is a profile of a "typical" abuse victim, based on worldwide statistics:

Most abuse victims are women, young, uneducated, poor, and non-white.

AnswerEvery type of women has been abused. It doesn't matter age color, etc. AnswerI disagree with the statistics. I am a white 38 yr old woman educated in historic restoration from a middle class family. I think any woman can be abused because nobody pinpoints what emotional and psychological abuse is and then educates their pre-teen girls about what to watch out for. One of the reasons people don't talk about it is because our media (especially morning talk radio) is saturated with abuse of everyone and it is accepted as 'humor'. AnswerI think the statistics demonstrate a general guideline. This said, abuse can happen anywhere....Abuse touches all kinds of people. I have many examples of well educated friends (lawyers, university teachers etc) that were completely under their aggressor's mercy.... The most important thing is to set up a support system and not be afraid to ask for help. Even just reading sites like these can help. It helped me.... AnswerI understand that the number of women who are abused by men is astronomical compared to the reverse situation, but why can't I find *something* about men so devoted to their wives/partners and so lost that they can't tell if they're being abused or what to do about it? AnswerLow self esteem, most of the time starting from a childhood experience of trust. Feeling like she may deserve her abuse from living it in the past or present. AnswerI work in a Women's Abuse Center and every type of women can meet her match if luck isn't running along side of her. Abusive men can be quite sneaky and at first he never shows his true colors until it's further into the relationship when there is a little more pressure and demands in the marriage or relationship. Abuse DOES hit every race, culture and ANY woman from doctors, lawyers, to the middle class and poor!

Working at the Abuse Center has taught me a great deal and anyone who is pious enough to believe it can never happen to them is a fool! Most of us are lucky enough to have good men and we don't have to deal with this, but believe me, when you have seen some of these abusive men in action (the law seldom protects women, and nurses and doctors are there to heal and not get too involved) and the woman is so frightened she often doesn't press charges.

People who aren't abused should think of these things:

There is little help out there legally for a woman that is being abused. The terror some of these women go through is something we couldn't even imagine. I've seen women in the hospital with their throats slit (superficial thank God), blackened eyes, broken noses, ribs, or any bone in the body you would like to choose is smashed! I've seen up to 12 stab wounds, and as many as 16 slashes to the face. I've seen a woman that had acid thrown in her face! Oh yes, she got away from her abuser, but because of our laws in Canada and the U.S., he threw acid in her face when she was walking to her car. The excuse by law enforcement for this .... "Until the abuser takes action there is nothing we can do." An abuser can phone, come to your home and threaten and even ruin your property. He can slash your tires, burn our car and more. As long as he doesn't touch a hair on your head, the laws are ... you simply can't do much ... wait until he nearly kills you! So, why shouldn't these women be terrified?

This is not a situation easily resolved by a few clipped words on a board and until a person who hasn't been abused walks a mile in the victim's shoes it just isn't all that cut and dried!


AnswerA victim of abuse can be the girl who didn't listen to the voice inside her gut. The woman who thought he was a nice guy. The little girl who didn't know better. A victim of abuse can be the little old lady who's husband died 2 years ago and she has just started dating. A victim of abuse can be the woman that had "his" sex changed 12 years ago. He's been living so proud as Sally ever since :) You NEVER know what types of women get abused, there is no type. Abuse doesn't discriminate! AnswerThere is no type. The question should be what types of men abuse. I cna answer that one for you. Men who are inscure, needy and fearfull of life and abandomoment. The only thing that matters to them is control. They don't care how you think or feel as long as they can control you. AnswerIt may seem like there is a particular type, but, in reality it can be anyone. And off course, emotional and pyshical abuse is hard to detect. I learned somewhere that these woman sometimes have a great sense of spirituality, love, and compassion, willing to stay till the end.
Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

Can a person be both an 'abuser' and an 'abusee'?

Note: Further stories and testimonials should be placed in the discussion section below.

Of course they can. Consider narcissists, for instance:

Narcissists attract abuse. Haughty, exploitative, demanding, insensitive, and quarrelsome � they tend to draw opprobrium and provoke anger and even hatred. Sorely lacking in interpersonal skills, devoid of empathy, and steeped in irksome grandiose fantasies � they invariably fail to mitigate the irritation and revolt that they induce in others.

Successful narcissists are frequently targeted by stalkers and erotomaniacs � usually mentally ill people who develop a fixation of a sexual and emotional nature on the narcissist. When inevitably rebuffed, they become vindictive and even violent.

From my perspective, HELL NO!!!

I've have been, and still live with an abusive spouse. At this point in our lives (14 years), she doesn't lose it over the trivial stuff so much anymore - but boy WHEN IT HAPPENS!!!

This is a behavioral problem on part of the abuser, which I've learned doesn't dissipate, but only changes form. The transition period between those stages is a nightmare. I never thought in a million years that I would have to worry about my 'Queen of Fullness' balling up her fist and busting my face up, or slamming a heavy bar mug against my head (and I see this scar which I NEVER mention EVERY DAY - mind you).

I've been through nearly EVERYTHING you see on http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/ over this time period in my life with her. It has caused me:

- General health problems

- Years of sleepless nights and poor eating habits

- EXCESSIVE marijuana and cigarette smoking

- And yes, shamefully, sexual relations outside of the marriage

- I'm the one who had to attend the Domestic Violence courses.


And hey... lemme tell ya... when you THINK someone is toying with your mind... THEY ARE!!! As crazy as it sounds I KNOW she uses people on my job to assist. I can't prove it, I can't give a ton of examples of when I perceived it to be true, but I KNOW she does. She has\had completely destroyed my self-esteem to the point where I'm almost dead inside. I let her.

People would think, looking at us, that we do great. A 'modest' 500K in our home and vehicles and additional real estate. And if I had to live under a ROCK to get her to treat me respectfully FULL TIME...

Ohhhhh, the cheating phase? Yes, approaching our 3rd year together, I freaked out mentally. I was soooo sure that when I left her (in pursuit of a woman who I've seen get her nose broken by her live-in boyfriend - I realize this would never have lasted) that I would never come back. But I did. And because I felt so 'worthy' and 'noble' when I was with the other woman, when that fizzled, I went looking again. And, the change in the wife's behavior was temporary. It wasn't until I realized that for many reasons, I had to make a decision as to whether to stay or leave.

I thought she would change. I was SOOOO IN LOVE before, and I wanted it back.

And she did - a little. Again, abuse doesn't dissipate, it just changes forms. Until now I thought 'well this attitude and action isn't as bad'. The clubbing me REDUCED, but clubbing in the other sense INCREASED dramatically (more later).

I stopped the cheating. I even confessed to what I had done with no requested detail coveted. I thought I could 'regain my honor'. I just could not live with myself. Funny thing, right when I made the decision to stop, she started... and with women. This was revealed the other day during a 'deep convo'. 10 years have passed since she mentions the first time, and last week Sunday the most recent. All this unraveled when I caught her with her finger between her friends wet ones at the end of a pool party at the house last summer.

Now, you might say 'Well that's what you deserve'. My response is TRY LIVING THROUGH WHAT I'VE LIVED THROUGH BEFORE YOU JUDGE!!! Really, I felt she would cheat in return, but I also felt like it was unfair for her to do it. People (or more directly 'she') would say "That's what YOU did, its what YOU wanted, none of that is my responsibility." When I look back (which she refers to as 'living in the past' although the past is just a watered down 'version of the present day') - I can't help but ask myself why I am still here? And she takes ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR "What I did", or why I have these feelings or NOTHING - this is NOT meant to be a paraphrase. I cant really say its because we were arguing at the time, her behavior shows it to be her thoughts on the matter.

Arguments and disagreements... Sure, bring them on. But with her it can be scary. I consciously move around so I can be in 'jump back space' whenever it gets bad. I shake, I feel like I'm going to keel over and die at those times... not because of the topic at hand, but because I KNOW if I say something that pushes her over my glasses might get knocked off my face. And she likes to get IN my face on top of that.

I've let her use my deepest fear of losing my family (or what I could salvage) against me, personal guilt and all. Nowadays 'I'm crazy'... she once had me take a piss test for crack.

Then, I get "Hey you just watch, we're going to be rich".

Then I get "You're right. I DON'T respect you. You know why...?"

That will eventually be followed by why I suck at this or that and didn't finish college or nurture a successful business idea.

The whole while defending myself with "Plenty of people don't have degrees" and then "I thought this argument was about.... NOT my college degree" "I beat Bush in the tech arena" crying bull.

That's followed by the whole "How my failure to complete college relates to my inability to keep a job or 'handle responsibility'; always dwelling in the past"

Followed by how she is so 'positive' and spiritual and how I only think of the negative

Finally, if it's not a "SCREW YOU TOO" attitude floating around, I MIGHT get "Well... I DO want to go out tonight though baby" - This is the last straw for me... its been 10 years of Friday Saturday and possibly Sunday nights out until 6-7AM.

This is the closest (writing this post I mean) I've come to professional help since our failed marriage counseling sessions of which - they are right - not only was a waste, but MADE THINGS WORSE ('We've been there' type attitude).

The abusee lives in the past, because the abuser will always be abusive. The roles DON'T change. The abusee, if NOW capable for whatever reason, gathers the inner-strength to free themselves, that's what will happen. They have to be strong enough to STAY GONE. Otherwise, you WILL become dependent on the abuser, because they instill the thought that you cant make it without them. You will feel USED UP. TRAPPED. As a man, I guarantee you will hurt her badly if she doesn't get you first.

For like the Nth time, they WON'T, they CAN'T make that change. It's THEM and part of WHO THEY ARE. MAYBE when they meet the next potential mate, it will be better controlled. But if you've been in it as long as I have, I feel its unrecoverable. I hate my marriage and resent what its done to me (and her, believe it or not) over the years. I'll be 35 soon and I'm just getting TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP.


I try to sit back and go over all the things considering abuse. Our modern world has it's good points and bad, and people are very stressed out these days ... no job security, great pay fluctuations, trying to buy a house, trying to keep your house and raising kids. It's tough! When the pressure hits some people over and over again and they never seem to get a break tempers can fly. It's tough being "all things" to your mate and none of us are perfect. Words can be said we don't mean or even a slight push during an argument. At some point in EVERY person's life and for what they consider survival instincts they will use a person to a degree by picking that person's weak points and aiming right for it. We have all been there at least once whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not. Most of us move on from this, but many do not and thus, the abuser is born.

If you live with an abuser, but they are not physically abusive (therefore there isn't much to fear, but having your feelings hurt from miserable comments directed at you or embarrassing moments around family and friends) then that survival instinct will kick in sooner or later and the abused person will fight back. This is a no win situation and by fighting back you have to stoop to the level of your abuser and thus, you become not only the victim of mental abuse, but also an abuser yourself. Abusers have a lot of self control issues going on in their heads and percieve the world differently than many of us do and so it's his/her way and no other way. You can't change an abuser yourself and unless they are willing to seek out professional help they will never change.

It's best to leave an abuser before you become one yourself.


Well being in an abusive relationship myself and not coming from any previous consistently abusive environments--it was hard for me to recognize the relationship as abusive. It started out very subtely and eventually become very blatant and physical to myself and to my child--that is when I had enough!!!!

I agree with the previous person that we all do and say things we regret later--but most of us recognize it and go forth with apologizing and making amends. It is the abuser who doesn't recognize their behavior as such and will live in denial. They are seeking to obtain control in just about every facet of their partner's life and in doing so they are destroying the relationship and their partner's self esteem. They are more concerned with their own needs and desires and cannot/do not express individuality, automony, or separateness from their partner.

So, to finally answer your question: I don't believe one can be and abuser and an abusee. Since abuse is generally all about control and power over an abuser and abusee cannot coexist. If one were and abusee they are not seeking power/control. However, one who has continually been abused may take on abusive behavior themselves, especially toward their abuser and even in other relationships. Although this is inappropriate behavior and response--Abuse perpetrates abuse---generally. Now, I am not condoning that type of response seeing as we all have choices of how we will behave/speak/think/act.

God Bless

Abused Men
Research Papers
Example Sentences

What is Discernment?

The ability to recognize or distinguish the true nature of someone or something. Discernment and wisdom are close cousins. Personally, discernment means that I can "see through" (discern) a situation and decide whether that situation is good or bad, for instance. I use discretion with a person that I have discerned to be bad for me. I have deducted/discerned through watchful eyes, that not everything is what it seems. Discernment is a result of having lived through different situations and learning the outcomes. In most cases, the older you are the better you can discern a good person from a bad person. Hope this helps!

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

How do you communicate to an alcoholic abusive ex-girlfriend?

You can't get through to anyone who has alcohol abuse. They have to hit bottom before they reach the top. Many prefer to wallow in alcohol and it will eventually lead to death. It's best you stay away from your ex and if she is bothering you put a report into the police. By keeping in touch with her (she's needy) but she could turn mean due to the alcohol she consumes, you are enabling her behavior. You can't save the world, but she has to learn to save herself! Walk away!

Abused Men
Snow Leopards
The Difference Between

Why is love more important in your life than money?

Money doesn't buy you true love nor does it give you good health. Without either money means nothing. Having someone love you with all their heart and knowing they will stand by your side whether you are wealthy, poor, in good health or bad or any problems that enter your lives is the best feeling in the world. They are not just your partner, lover, but your best friend and the only one you should be able to count on 100%.

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men
Peer Pressure

Do abusive men know they are abusive?

Many do and do it for the power trip. Some however, do not..it is a way of life.

Pregnancy Symptoms
Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

Does the literature on abuse change when the victim is a man and the abuser is a woman?

Literature on AbuseAccording to law enforcement statistics, women abusers - especially batterers - are far rarer than male abusers. As a result, most of the literatuire deals with men.

Most of the "facts" are still the same. Same personalities, only opposite. Only it's even harder for a man to get help because of the way men are supposed to be. That will make them look weak and wimpy.

Here is more from Wiki s contributors:

  • There are simply more women out in the world than men, thus there are more abused women, but the percentage of abused men is running very high and getting higher in modern times. Women have been fighting for "their rights" since the 1900's (fighting for the vote, fighting to be doctors, fighting for careers in a man's world, etc., etc.) and with this power it can be misused by many women. They can get caught up in their new-found freedom and misjudge what their roles are in society, just like men can. It's complex. In these modern times we are really getting into a major learning curve of whether men and women are equals. The odd thing about it is, men and women can work side-by-side quite nicely if the participants are willing, but either one can misuse that power and go their different ways.
  • In my case, the link did not help me as a man trying to understand my probably abusive relationship. She emphasizes the intellectual - her superior memory, education, occupational drive - the financial, etc. She asks why I don't work harder and get a better job, then makes it impossible for me to pursue one by making incessant demands on my time. She is at once domineering beyond all reason and irrationally submissive. I don't know if I'm more destroyed and distraught when she tells me I've messed up my whole life through my failures before she came into my life, or when she says robotically to have sex with her 'because that's what a good wife does'. In any case, that link doesn't describe her-as-woman at all, I'm afraid to say.
  • Yes, the literature is different for abused men. To the poster who's wife is dominant re her workplace and putting you down because you don't work hard enough. There is a very slim line between verbal abuse and it's a hard one to figure out. My suggestion to you is to tell her to knock it off. Stand up for yourself! Sit down with her and tell her that you don't appreciate her put-downs. Don't swallow the one "I'm doing it for your own good." If you make a mate feel badly when they are trying their very best to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads, then it's time to come out with both guns blazing. Tell her that discussions are OK, constant arguing is not, and if it continues you are leaving. This will certainly have her thinking more clearly.

Also for the men here (I don't mean this as an excuse either, but it happens.) Women as young as mid-30s can go through their peri-menopause which means their bodies are getting ready to go into menopause. Some women can start their full-fledged menopause as young as their mid-30s (getting more abundant now) and it's a tough road for some women. Yes, there is Hormone Replacement, but this very drug can cause breast cancer and blood clots, so there is a lot of responsibility and hard going for the woman of today. Symptoms of going through hormonal changes are: mood swings (can be the wicked witch of the West one day and sweet as pie in a few hours), perspiring a great deal (they are called hot flashes) and very drastic changes in their appearance (bloating, gaining weight, becoming lethargic or becoming hyper) and during this time some women have a tough time being reminded every day by these symptoms that they are getting older. Some men have brought it on themselves, because some men will grow tired of his wife and look for a younger mistress or leave for a younger girlfriend. The kicker is, men do go into male menopause too! It use to be called mid-life crisis, but doctors have now found that indeed men go through hormone changes usually starting in their 40's.

So, you must sit down, and go over the facts ... is your wife going through peri-menopause or menopause and cranky or just being plain abusive? This is something you can talk about with her to. Even if she is going through menopause it gives her no right to be at you constantly. You must sit down and try to figure out some common ground. Take an interest in her feelings and you may find out a lot more. The major complaint of most women is that men simply seem to float through life and tend not to get involved with their mates feelings. Working it out together is much better and that goes for both parties.

The rarity of male victims is not backed by facts. Check the data charts of any study on domestic violence against women and you will note that 39% of the victims are men, though this is rarely mentioned in the summaries. see Annette's Story

Parenting and Children
Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

What do you tell the adult son of an abusive father who pushes him into arguments?

I am in exactly the same position. My father's abusive, controlling, and aggressive behavior has alienated him from all family. He has no friends, and he never has had any friends. He loves to push people into arguments. But that's not all he pushes. He is physically and verbally abusive. I've been the only one who has stuck with him through the years -- fifty to be exact. He's now 80 years old, and his behavior simply is worsening. I will tell you what I've finally come to admit -- he's not going to change, remove him from your life, and begin living for yourself. I'm in that process now, and it is very hard. But don't spend as much time ruining your life as I have ... end it now and begin living for yourself, your wife, and your children. I can honestly say that my abusive father ruined my childhood, and I have allowed him to ruin my adulthood as well. I just kept thinking that, as he aged, he would mellow out and become that good father to the good daughter that I have been. Unfortunately, I see that will never happen. So, I'm ending my relationship with my father ... I am saying no to his hittiing, pushing, shoving, punching, name-calling, stomping, insults, sarcasm, and throwing things. It will be over soon, and I will be spending the rest of my life healing and wishing I had acted sooner. Don't wait any longer ... take a stand now, get him out of your life, start healing, and begin your life with freedom.

Abused Men
Meteorology and Weather
Word Games

What do you call a person who reads into something then applies it to who you are?

There are all sorts of names you could call a person like this (and not so nice names too. LOL) This person could be anything from paranoid, narcissistic, self indulgent, arrogant, insecure or needs a good psychiatrist. Some people go through life thinking they know all about each person around them and don't mind telling that person so. Of course it's impossible to know another person 100% when you can't even know yourself 100%. This person is usually the type that doesn't take it slow and realize there are two sides to every story and starts to second-guess another persons actions. My philosopy in life is "if you are around a person that makes you feel bad more times than they make you feel good it's time to either have a good talk to them and be blunt about how you feel and they start changing or, walk away from them because they will only drain you of your energy and there will be nothing left for yourself or anyone else.

Abused Men

How do you apologize for wrong doing?

  • If the person you need to apologize to lives where you do then go to their home and face them and apologize face to face instead of texting them or phoning them. If the person you want to apologize to is an online friend then send them an ecard and apologize. Good friends will try to understand and accept the apology.
Mental Health
Abused Men

What should you do about your verbally abusive and emotionally attached extremely clingy and controlling girlfriend who has threatened suicide in the past?

As you know, you cannot fix her problem and live your life safely. Six months to your move date seems like eternity. You can start working toward your new life, by slowly separating your affairs. Put all of your personal papers in a safe place outside of your home (safety deposit box?). Set up a P.O. box in your name only and change your address to that for all of your bills--and insurance. If you share credit cards, remove your name from them and get your own, just in your name. Or, pay them off and close the accounts. Rent a storage unit and try to ferry your most precious belongings there as you can, so they won't be held hostage. Find a new dentist and leave your records where they are, unless there is a large issue that needs to be resolved. When you move, be sure to put codes on your utilities so that they cannot be adjusted by anyone else. She is not going to change even if you stay and since your feelings are gone, it is a toxic relationship. Sooner or later though, when you don't renew the lease, she is going to know that you are leaving. Not sure how to advise on that issue. When I left my abusive spouse, I met him for dinner to let him know the kids and I had moved and then took a ciruitous route home.


My girlfriend and I live together. We signed a lease together in a two bedroom apartment. I still have five and a half months left until the lease expires. My girlfriend's father was verbally abusive to her when growing up. She has no self-esteem, always seems like she is competing for my attention, etc. She always asks me to drop what I'm doing to come cater to her needs. I don't mind helping out, but I can't get anything done. When upset she becomes a cursing fireball who slams doors, breaks small items and immediately finds something I gave to her as a gift and gives it back to me. A former boyfriend cheated on her from day one in a previous relationship, so she obviously has trust issues. She told me once that if she knows where I am, she feels like she can control the situation as far as me not cheating. I never have and won't ever as I have been a victim once myself. She complains that I never spend enough time with her even though we live together. From my observation, she seems to view quality time spent together from a like/dislike standpoint. Meaning, if I enjoy a tv show she also enjoys then it's ok. If I do not like a show she is watching, I will still spend time with her and suffer through it. However, if I lik the show, she thinks I would already be watching, therefore, no quality time. She hasn't told me this, but it seems to be her perception of quality time. We broke up two months ago. I wanted to mutually agree to break up as it was/is not healthy for either one of us. I urged her to seek professional help which she had done in the past ten years ago in her early teens. She refuses. Upon breaking up, she threatened to cut her wrists and drive off into a ditch to kill herself. I should have contacted her family, but I did not. Fast forward to present day. We are together, but I have been withdrawn ever since we broke up and got back together. I feel emotionally drained. I can't leave my apartment yet as I am in between jobs currently. The reason I have not ended the relationship for good is due to her behavior. She loves my dog, however, I fear for his safety and my belongings. So, when I do obtain a new job, I plan to move out unannounced, change my phone number, and either e-mail or send her a letter regarding our relationship. I have a great relationship with her family. I plan to call or send them a letter and explain my situation. Another note, she works in a dental office. I have had work done in that office. I won't go back after I break up as I will be in another city. She has access to those records and I fear she will somehow attempt to call my insurance company and request my updated info. I believe she will tell the insurance company she is sending me some pertenant info. in the mail and must have my address. I would think some kind of privacy law would be in effect, but I do not know. Any advice would be much appreciated?


U R preparing properly. Once U have a job - move the hell out - and if she continues to harass U, get a restraining order. If money is short, simply talk to a policeman and they will talk to her, but make sure that he fills out a police report on her stalking U. then if she keeps it up U have a case for a court-appointed lawyer and cheap restraining order. Females are more emotional and are hard to get rid of once they go crazy. prepare, have a plan, DO NOT get her pregnant. Do not be so dependant on having someone around, u have a hand to keep u company...so use it and live on your own for a while.


Mines is short and simple: just leave her. Her life is DEFINATELY not worth the abuse. God Bless.

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

Are you being abused if you told your wife you were unhappy and resented her false accusations to police about abuse and she told you that maybe you should leave the marriage?

Telling someone how you feel is not a bad thing. Listen to how they feel about things as well. If someone says that maybe you should leave it might be a projection as to how they feel about themselves. One cannot expect circumstances to change without doing something different. You need to get some insight as to why she reported abuse in the first place. I mean, what were the circumstances before she did so? Who, what, where and when? If the report seemed to be her response to your lone comment about being unhappy, then you both need to reevaluate the relationship. Without blame or shame. Look at what you both want it to be and see what it would take to get you there. Can you both commit to the work it will take? Exchanging non-productive, hurtful actions just isn't good for anyone and are hard to take back. ----

Abused Men

How can avoid possible disappointments in the future?

  • Not one human can avoid disappointments in the future. Sometimes disappointments of not getting what you feel you should at something in your life is a good thing because quite possibly a better opportunity may arise. If not, then by experiencing disappointments the good experiences you have are much more rewarding. It comes under: if you never know sadness you can't truly experience happiness; if you love someone and they don't love you back (it is better to have loved than never have experienced love) then you will not appreciate true love and on and on it goes.
DVD Players
Abused Men
Adjectives and Articles

What activities describe an abuser?

Actually, abuse comes in many forms. Physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, etc. Basically, if your partner is doing something to you that you do not like (even after your attempts to communicate how you feel about this behavior), then it is abusive to you. Any form of violence, repeated threats, constantly monitoring your whereabouts, repeated accusations of betrayal.... the list is way to long to post here. If you feel like you are being abused, then you are. hitting,spancking,throwing,smacking,yelling very loudly in the ear

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

Name something wives are always nagging their husbands to do?

take out the trash, fix/repair things around the house.

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

What are the statistics for abused men?

It's only been in the past few years that the battered male syndrome has gotten serious attention. The latest percentage of battered men was placed at approximately 36% or roughly 835,000 of the 2.3 million abuse cases reported yearly. Researchers believe that those figures are far from accurate for the obvious reason that most men are very reluctant to admit they have been victims of abuse.

See related link Annette's Story

Abused Men
Shays' Rebellion

What did Shay's Rebellion point out?

That Shaycarl is the best man in the entire world.

Abused Men

How do i make her say she loves me?

well if she can't say i love you, maybe there's no emotional connection yet. Answer: I am sorry but if she is not willing to say i love you it either means she does not love you, she does not trust you or she just does not want to say it. You cannot make her say 'i love you'.

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

Do men get physically and mentally abused?

Yes, more often than women ormenthink. Most men are brought up not to hit women and stick to that practice so when a man is hit, slapped, shoved, scratched or has things thrown at him or she is verbally abusive he takes it because most men feel everything is revolved around women being abused and that women are the weaker sex. Men don't realize that there are programs out there to help them and that society is becoming moreaware that men can be physically or mentally abused as well as women. Men that are abused are basically in their own private world of hell. They can't tell family, they can't talk to their male friends because most other men would wonder what is wrong with him for not 'slapping her down and controlling the situation.' The poor guy being abused can't win for losing. I know two cases of female abuse againsta malemate. My girlfriend's son is married toa young woman that is a heavy drinker and gets nasty when she does drink. One night he was in bed sound asleep and she went over and punched him square in the nose! Of course he woke up in great shock and couldn't figure out what happened to him. He staggered to the bathroom to look in the mirror at his bloody nose and she nailed him behind the knees with a golf club! He hit the floor like a rock! As soon as he could function he picked up the phone, called the police and had her taken away in handcuffs and let her stew overnight in jail. She has never hit him since, but is verbally abusive. The other case was a man that works with my brother. This man would come to work with stitches in his face and black eyes. When asked what happened he would cover it up by saying he got into a brawl at a pub the night before rather than admit his wife beat him up. He eventually confided in my brother. Just like some women feeling they are stuck with an abusive man, this man felt he was doomed to stay with his wife and was actually a victim of her abuse! One day he came into work and announced his wife had a massive heart attack and died. Of course the coworkers were saddened to hear this (what other reaction could they show) and he smiled and said, 'I'm free at last!' Sad, but true.

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

How many victims die of relationship abuse?

About 80,000 people die of relationship abuse a year.

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

Why do women who were sexually abused by their fathers not understand about commitment and when they get a man that is caring why do they still have sex with other men?

My personal thoughts would be because the abused woman in question associates that bad behavior with masculinity or a "fatherly" figure. Especially if the abuse was going on during the sensitive developmental stages of her youth. She may possibly be desensitised to sex in the personal and intimate way the majority of women see it. Because of her hardship she may devalue sex or devalue herself, possibly both. I know that some abused women subconsciously want to be treated aggresively or badly. Unfortunately, issues such as these are rarely sorted out unless the victim is ready and/or willing to accept help. Then again, perhaps this particular person is resolved with their past and a problem might lie in your specific relationship with her. Some women get a sense of feeling smothered or boredom if a man persues them too obsessively/aggressively. The best advice I could give is for as much communication between yourselves as possible. Remember to remain calm but not soft. Stand your ground and be firm with communicating your feelings and/or opinions, while not seeming angry or impatient.

Mental Health
Abused Men

How do you get your confidence back after being in a 4 year relationship of mental and emotional abuse?

first off im going to keep it simple, do not move on to a rebound too quickly allow some time for you to go out with your your girls :D let love come to you and know that your special just that person wasn't right for you, however that doesn't mean that you wont find love. it will all happen in time. talk to friends for reassurance and advice. remember you can't love unless you love yourself.

Answer 2:

I applaud you for getting out of a toxic, unhealthy relationship. You are strong for not shutting your eyes to the truth. Almighty God Jehovah is outraged when someone uses power to humiliate, intimidate or oppress others. Read Ecclesiastes 4:1 which says in part... " I saw the tears of the oppressed." You need to grasp thst you do not deserve to be mistreated. You are very precious in God's eyes.

Work on developing healthy self respect. Talk to someone about it even if it means getting professional help. Keep busy by engaging in reading, exercise, sports or hobbies. See Awake article.

Abused Men

Why do women abuse men?

Not all do, but if they did, it could be because of mental problems (uncontrollable), aggression issues, or because of an incident that happened.

Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Abused Men

How do you help someone who is being abused to get away from the abuser and move on?

AnswerI have been abused by my husband and I have a wonderful support system. Although, we have been separated/divorced for almost 2 years now...I still think about going back and I'm not sure why. I think it has to do with the fact that I hope and wonder if he will change because I still do love him. My best advice to you is just to continue to "be there" for your friend/loved one. Please, just be patient with them and continue to remind them that they deserve better. Show them this website and try to help build their self-esteem again. It all takes time...I know!

Encouraging someone in an abusive relationship to get professional counseling can be the answer. Many people in bad relationships are there because their not mentally healthy enough to realize this is not how it has to be. The proof of this is people who get out of a bad situation and go into a new relationship that is just as bad.


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