What are some jokes to tell your grandpa?
not your grandma. shes dead.
not your grandma. shes dead.
1. How do you kill a blonde? Stick a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of a pool... 2. They always said, "When we get a black president, pigs will fly..." And you know what? THE SWINE FLEW!!! 3. How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and moan... 4. How ma…ny feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? ONE, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!! (MORE)
It doesnt matter abt the joke......its the timing u crack it that matters. But also if she likes you she will laugh even more and be sure to laugh at her jokes but not to much
Some brief humor : . A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: I've… heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor! The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee! . (see related link) . Bar . One day two people walked into a bar... then a third one said "That must have hurt." . Animals . How do you get a giraffe into a refrigerator? You open it and put the giraffe inside. . How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator? You open it, take out the giraffe, and put the elephant in. . The Lion King throws a party, and all animals are invited. But one didn't come. Who was it? The elephant, he was in the refrigerator. . You need to get across a river home to millions of crocodiles. How do you get across? Just swim, the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party. . The Atoms Joke . Two atoms walk into a bar. One atom says "I think I lost an electron". The other replies "Are you sure"? To which the first atom says, "I'm positive!" . The Cursing Priest . A priest and a rabbi went to play golf. The priest misses a shot, and says, "S**t, I missed!" The rabbi says, "Don't curse or God will punish you." Later on, the priest misses again, and says, "S**t, I missed!" Again the rabbi warns him, "Don't curse, or God is going to punish you." Finally, the priest misses a short putt and says, "S**t, I missed!" Suddenly, the sky grows menacingly dark and with a tremendous clap of thunder, a huge bolt of lightning stabs down...and kills the rabbi! A loud voice echoes out from the clouds as God says, "S**t, I missed!" . Coke Machine . It was a hot day in Las Vegas, and this blonde walked up to the Coke machine. She put her money in, and a Coke came out. She stood there for five minutes, putting her money in and getting Cokes. Since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!" And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!" . Swimming Blonde . A blonde and a brunette were stranded on an island. The brunette decided she was going to swim home, but the swim home was 100 miles. The brunette swam one mile, got tired, and swam back. Then the blonde tried. The blonde swam 99 miles, then she got tired, too...so she swam the 99 miles back to the island. . Banana . Why did the banana go to the doctor? "He wasn't peeling very well." . Three guys on a cliff joke . There are three guys on a cliff : an American, an Asian, and a Nazi. They wanted to see how high up they were, so they each threw something down. The American threw a flagpole, the Asian threw rice, and the Nazi threw a grenade. When they came down from the mountain, the American saw a man crying. The American asked "Why are you crying?" The man replied "A flagpole hit my wife!" The American apologized and left. The Asian saw a little boy crying and he asked "Little boy, why are you crying?" The boy said "I looked up and rice fell in my eye!" So the Asian apologized and left. Lastly, the Nazi saw a boy laughing uncontrollably. He asked the boy "Why are you laughing?" The boy replied "I farted and my house blew up!" . Tarzan, Boy, and Jane . Tarzan saw a herd of elephants coming. What did he say? - He said "Here come the elephants." . Boy saw a herd of elephants coming. What did he say? - He said "Here come the elephants." . Jane saw a herd of elephants coming. What did she say? - She said "Here come the bluebirds." (she was color-blind) (MORE)
a farmer and his wife are riding on their horse up a steep hill. the horse stops and doesnt move. the farmer jumps off the horse, and flicks the horse in the face. "thats strike one!" the farmer gets back on the horse and starts up the hill again. after about 2 minutes the horse stops. the farmer ju…mp off the horse and punches it in the face. "thats strike 2." the farmer gets back on the horse and the horse starts up again. after about 1 minute the horse stops, and the farmer shoots the horse. then, the wife says "now how are we going to get on the top of the hill?" the farmer flicks his wife in the face. "that's strike one!" (MORE)
There are three kids. Bean, Harold, and Lizzy. They are on top of a building. From a friend they heard that if they say an animal and jump off the building they'll turn into it, and land safely on the ground. Bean and Harold wonder why they brought Lizzy. She's just plain mean. Bean goes first. LI…ON! He turns into a lion and lands safely. Harold goes next. FROG! He turns into a frog and lands safely. Lizzy's last. Um, DONKEY! Lizzy splattered on the pavement. She was already a jerk. HA HA HA HA HA! So funny right? No wrong answer. It's a terrible joke. (MORE)
Answer . That is a very good quedstion. Whoever asked this must be the smartest person in the world... anyway, a good time to tell a joke is when someone is sad. Tell them a good and funny joke, they'll cheer up in the flip of a dime! . Another good time to tell a joke is when someone is in the ho…spital. Laughing is actually healthy for you, so if you tell them a joke, they have a better chance of surviving! . Thank you for asking! ANSWER: . Public speakers try to open up with a joke or a funny story. This makes them more comfortable with the crowd. Managers open meetings with the same approach as it eases tensions in the room. A joke should be told anytime a laugh or a smile is needed, which is as many times you can in your lifetime. . Another good time can be spur of the moment eg SOMEONE COUGHS you say dont give me swine flu... Its a bad joke but you get my point right? (MORE)
Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay the would be called bagels. What do you call someone with three arms, two tongues, and five arms? A Liar!! Ok, here's one: there's a blonde and she has two horses. she calls her friend, and says, "Bob, I can't tell my horses apa…rt, and I have to so I can feed them the right amount!" Bob says,"Ok, why don't you cut one of the horse's tail shorter than the other?" The blonde does, but it grows back. she tells this to bob and he says,"why don't you tie a ribion around one of their necks?" She does, but it comes off while they were playing. Bob finally tells her to measure both the horses. she does, and the next day, she calls Bob; "Bob, Bob, it worked!!! the black horse is two inches taller than the white one!!" What is the longest word in the dictionary? the word smiles because there is a mile between each s. WARNING DIRTY JOKE! There is a teacher that asks "there are 5 birds on a power line, you shoot one how many are left?" a kid raises his hand and says "none, because all the rest would fly away." she replies "that's not the answer i was looking for, but i like the way you are thinking." the kid says "now i have a question for you; there are three girls with an ice cream cone each one is biting it, sucking it, and one is licking it; how do you know which one is married?" the teacher replies in a stuttering voice, "the one sucking...?" he says "...the answer is the one wearing a ring, that's not the answer i was looking for but i like the way your thinking." =P Nice ones. I have some I heard in school! There were 3 boys. One with a hammer, one with a knife, and one with a bomb. The first one got on a plane and accidentally dropped his hammer out of the window. He got off and saw a little boy crying. He asked," Little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" "A hammer fell on my father and now he is unconscious!" The second one got on a plane and accidentally dropped his knife out the window. He saw a little girl crying. He asked the little girl," Little girl, little girl, why are you crying? "A knife fell on my mother and now she's dead!" So then the last one gets on a plane. He accidentally dropped his bomb out of the window. He gets off and sees a little boy laughing. He asks the little boy," Little boy, little boy, why are you laughing? "Because my grandmother farted and it blew up the house!" 2 men walked into a bar. The first one betted that he could jump from the 20 th floor and land safely on the first floor. The other one said," You're on!" So he jumped down and landed on the first floor safely and unharmed. The other one Asked him," How did you do that?" "With my magic beer!" So the guy ordered one and jumped, fell, and died. Then the bartender said, "You know, superman, you're really mean when you're drunk!" There were 3 boys and a tower with 100 steps. Each step has a joke on it. The first one climbed up 20 steps then laughed. The next one climbed up 50 steps then laughed. The last one climbed up 99 steps then laughed. The other two asked," Why did you laugh? You were so close!" Then he said," Because I just got the first joke! sorry their big, I wrote them down, copied it, and it was bigger. (MORE)
you say, "Yo mama so ______ that she _____" Example: Yo mama so fat when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everybody.
Im not very sure. I know pick up lines to tell a girl but not jokes.
No one can teach you that, you have to practice and see which one is the best way to make someone laugh. In fact, people don't like long jokes, so go for short jokes. Good Luck.
i recommend the profession website of short funny jokes, Short Funny Jokes & Really Funny Jokes, Great collection of clean short funny jokes, Laugh at very Short Funny Jokes and humors. please see: http://www.cleanshortfunnyjokes.com
Well, some people think this is lame or good joke, but mostly lame. Hey, I thought that the sun was hot until i saw you!
It's ALL voice inflection and timing. Practice in front of friends you trust completely. Ask for their honest feedback on what you could do better. Don't get upset when they give it to you. Build on it.
You tell jokes easily! Example: Bob. Do you like seafood? Larry. Yea. Why? Bob. (Opens his mouth while eating something.) Here! See food. Actually, there is a way to tell jokes and be funny. 1. Try to keep a straight face and avoid laughing as you tell the jokes. Cackling the whole ti…me you or a stage partner tell jokes is very distracting. 2. Know your material. Try to tell the events in story jokes in the correct order. You don't want to have to give details after you give the punch line. Likewise, if you want to go professional or participate at a comedy club, then you need to remember entire routines and the best order for the jokes. 3. Tell jokes that are funny. Adding a few groaners and brain twisters is okay, but you don't want those to be the bulk of your jokes. If you have to add sound effects, laugh the whole time, or cuss to make them funny, then they really aren't funny. So you'd want to try them on a test audience first, and tweak or remove ones that aren't really funny. 4. Use terminology and content that is understandable by your audience. You can use medical terms if your audience is doctors and other healthcare workers, but you would not use such terms when joking among children or common people. 5. Try to avoid cliched jokes if possible. Once an audience has heard so many "man walked in a bar" jokes, they are really not interested in hearing too many more unless they are very good. 6. Practice a lot. Don't turn down any chance to be at a comedy club or other place if you are serious as a comedian. 7. Know your audience and what offends them. You would not get up and tell anti-gay jokes to a gay audience, and most certainly not after a televised gay suicide or gay-bashing incident. You would not tell "yo mamma" jokes to someone who just lost their mother. You would not tell jokes that bash particular professions to people of that profession, unless you are one too and that is what your audience likes. While joking in ways that sound threatening is never really good, it should be particularly avoided at airports, on planes, and inside government buildings. That could get you arrested or detained, and you might miss a flight or have to do business another day. Jokes about 9/11 or other major disasters are in poor taste, and even more so when the audience is survivors or family members of those who died in such tragedies. Joking about yourself may be bad if you implicate yourself in illegal or objectionable things, even if hypothetical, since that can make you a target for investigation or vigilante actions. (MORE)
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie." Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!". heres one for you - what do you say to someone who has cheese that isn't theirs? that is nacho cheese!!!!!!!
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a catfish? A:One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
1. it's all about delivering the punch line. 2. if no one gets it then be quiet and wait for it - giving them time to laugh almost always works, while trying to explain the joke after saying it, kills it. 3. if you think the person might not get what you're saying, explain the terms you're gon…na use briefly but without ruining the joke! 4. don't laugh before, during or after you say the joke, it over builds the suspence of the joke, so people expecting an impossibly incredible joke, will only hear a good one. 5. practice it on you're own or with someone who's opinion you don't care much about. if they laugh that's a confidence boost, if they don't then at least you know what you did wrong. (MORE)
If you want her to know you like her and you are comfortable with letting her know that tell her " Is it hot in here or is it just you?" then feel both her forehead and yours and say " Oh, yeah it's you!" then smile and flee to your friends.. Well... you could always say... Hey you have nice legs..…. (she says why thank you) and you go... yea what time do they open... haha =D (MORE)
If he's laughing. If it's on the phone and he doesn't answer when you say, "Yes" "No" "Maybe" or just laugh or ask if they're serious, they could be either. It's best if you know the number or one of his close friends, then they can ask.
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: Ugh,that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen! The woman walks to therear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next toher: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go upthere and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey… for you. (MORE)
YO MAMMA.... . yo mamma's so stupid .... she called me to get my phone number.. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange. juice box because it said 'concentrate.'. she put lipstick on her forehead because. she wanted to make up her mind.. she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical. order.. …she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.. she tried to drown a fish.. she thought a quarterback was a refund.. she got locked in a grocery store and. starved to death.. she tripped over a cordless phone.. she took a ruler to bed to see how long. she slept.. she asked for a price check at the pound. store.. she studied for a blood test.. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.. when she heard that 90% of all crimes. occur around the home, she moved. when she missed the 44 bus, she took the. 22 bus twice instead.. when she took you to the airport and saw a. sign that said 'Airport Left' she turned around. and went home (MORE)
people who tell jokes and laughs it means that they either want to go out with you or they fancy you (so i would watch out for some lucky boy or girl ;) . a comedian
Q:How do birds fly in the rain? A:They use their wing-shield wipers. . Q:Why did Sunday beat Monday in a boxing match? A:Because Monday was a WEAK day!(Week) .
So this duck walks in a bar and asks "Can I have some grapes?" She bartender says "No, go away." So the duck walks out. The next day, the duck comes back and asks "Can I have some grapes?" The bartender, annoyed now, says "If I didn't have any yesterday, why would I now? Go away." So the …duck walks out. The next day, the duck walks in, and does it again. The bartender gets really mad and says "If you ask that one more time, I'll nail your feet to the floor." So the duck walks out. The next day, the duck walks in and asks " Do you have a hammer?" Bartender says "No." Duck asks "Do you have any nails?" Bartender says again "No. Go away, duck." And the duck says "Do you have any grapes?" (MORE)
little johnny's father asked him what was the meaning of all of these d's and f's on his report card? little johnny said,dad that means I'm DOING FINE.
Here is a good one: What do you call a girl that talks a lot ofstuff? Chicken stuff!
step one: open mouth#. step two:tell joke. step three:close mouth. step four: dont drool. apparently not winning the war against idiocy. genius123456
What is black and white, black and white, black and white, black and blue?. A nun falling down the stairs.
how you can tell if a boy is joking with you he laughs and smiles just as you would do with him. but he could also be sarcastic so watch out for tht.
example: this shirt is NNNNNOOOOOOOTTTTT black this shirt is black not watch borat and u will understand lol
Knock, knock?. Who's there?. Ach?. Ach who?. Ha, ha, made you sneeze.. What's your name?. Name.. What's the color of the sky?. Blue.. What's the opposite of down?. Up.. Name blew up.. What's your name?. Name.. What's this? Point to your nose for this joke.. Nose.. What's in my hand?.… Nothing.. Name knows nothing.. What's your name?. Name.. What do you do with your nose?. Smell.. What do you wear under your shoe?. Socks.. Name smells socks.. What do you do with your mouth?. Spit.. What's your name?. Name.. What does i n spell?. in.. What does t h e spell?. the.. What's this. Put your hand over your face.. Face.. Spit name in the face.. What's under there?. Under where?. Ha. Ha. Made you say underwear. (MORE)
How do you kill a blonde? You put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of the pool. . There's a blonde, a brunet, and a redhead. There all on a island and the only way to get to the other side is to swim there. The brunet goes first, swims 50% of the way, and drowns. Then the redhead goes, she swims 7…5% of the way, then gets eaten by a shark. Then blonde goes, swims the whole way, gets tired, swims back, THEN swims 50% of the way, and then drowns. (MORE)
Originally, all jokes come from people but they are told in many ways including: . straight from the person's mouth . on the internet . in tv shows . in pictures . etc.
If he's smirking, or his friends are nearby chuckling, smirking, or laughing etc. Then yes he's probably joking. If he seems very embarrassed or shy with maybe or maybe not a couple friends nearby encouraging him he may be asking you out for real.
Well, I have six of them. What has a head and a tail but no body? A Penny Proud!! How does a polar bear build its home? Igloo's it together! What did the male gun say to the female gun? Were gonna have a BEBE! What do you call a shark in the desert? Lost! Why did the man sleep under the car? He wa…nted to get up oily in the morning! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Hannah Montana!(sorry for those who like Hannah Montana.) HOPE I HELPED! :) :) :) :) :) :) (MORE)
knock knock who is there will you remember me in a hour yes will you remember me in a day yes will you remember me in a week yes knock knock who is there see you already forgot me
enough to make his audience pee their pants by the end of the night, so roughly around 35
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant instead. Q: When is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks. Q: I'm 2 months pregnant now. When will my baby m…ove? A: With any luck, right after she/he finishes high school. Q: Why do pregnant women have extremely long toenails? A: Their husbands can't be bothered. They're busy - with calling up all their relatives to help with the housework. Q: Why do pregnant women love to say they're expecting? A: Because it sounds like there's more than one outcome. "Yeah, we're expecting a baby. Or it could be a velociraptor." Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position? A: Authorized hospital personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc. A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. (MORE)
Here are a few jokes that may amuse your friends... 1. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9! (as in, 7 ate nine. It sounds the same, and your friend should get the joke straight away. 2. Only play the next one on a friend that can take a joke and knows you are only acting: You: Why did the ch…icken cross the road? Friend: You are really playing that one again... You: To get to the ugly witches house! Friend: I don't get it... You: knock knock Friend: who's there??? You: The chicken. i.e. saying that a chicken went to an ugly witches house, and the chicken shows up at their house implying that the person you are telling the joke to is an ugly witch! You must tell them to not take it seriously - tell them they are in fact beautiful. Hope this helped :) (MORE)
you can know if your jokes are funny maybe by taking a serve or telling them to people and telling them after the joke that u invented the joke and tell them to give u a rating from 1 to 5 :) hope it helped :) -Afro Adri :)
1. Many of the vague questions are the jokes. 2. What if the afterlife is like Wiki.Answers? . You could be subject to Heaven, Hell, both, or neither at any time, and you will be in a limbo state until the system accepts the edits to your eternal destiny. . If you are sentenced to Hell, you… will have to sort uncategorized questions, many of which are utter nonsense. You will have to sort them all before you can go to Heaven, and for each one you sort, two more will be generated. . If you go to Hell, you won't even be allowed to say the name of the place you are in without your words being flagged. . In Hell, you won't be addressed as a person, just by the broad catch-all name for your worst sin. . You might actually clean up a portion of Hell, but you won't get paid for it, though you enjoy making it a little less like Hell and can't get enough. . If you don't want to be in Hell, all you would have to do is keep vandalizing the place and get banned for eternity. (MORE)
Q. what do you get when you cross a cow with a bear? A. winnie the moo
2 blond girls walk down a street and find a mirror. the first blond looks in the mirror and says hmmm i recognize her... The 2nd blond takes the mirror and looks in it, she says THATS ME YOU DUMMY!
No. However, don't try to eat them or even just a clown. They might taste funny.
The do's of telling a joke are you have to be witty, funny, you have to know how to express your voice in a way to tell a certain joke and you have to have a good memory to remember the jokes. P.S... Hello to all my friends at Northlea!
Pete and Repeat were sitting on a tree pete fell down and who was left on the tree? . ...repeat... then you keep saying it 'till they get it... .
Joke 1 You: Will you remember me in a year?(yes) You: Will you remember me in one thousand years?(yes) You: Will you remember me forever? (of course!) You: Knock knock, (who's there?) You: So you will remember me forever but not right now! ------------------------------------------ Jo…ke 2 You: What is under there? (Under where?) You: Ha ha! You said underwear! ------------------------------------------- Joke 3 Why did silly Billy tiptoe across the medicine cabinet.... (Because he didn't want to wake up his sleeping pills!) ------------------------------------------------------------- Joke 4 why did silly Sarah, bring trees to the bathroom? (Because she needed to clean her dirty palms!) ------------------------------------------------------------- Joke 5 Why didn't the police catch the bathroom burgalar? (because he stepped on a scale,and ran a weigh!!) ------------------------------------------------------------- Joke 6 When can't you dry off your wet dog... (When you already used it on your hair!) ------------------------------------------------------------- These jokes came from a book called "kids silliest jokes" so go on their website, for inspiring me and spreading jokes to the world! . (MORE)
What do you call an apple tree, orange tree, pear tree, and banana tree that allows a kid to take as much as he wants? Four Giving Trees. A bad joke, though. xD
If you can give a fake laugh then do that, as long as it doesn't make the person suspicious! If you can smile an artificial smile (before laughing), that is even better! Just don't let the person be suspicious.
When children are between the ages of 4 and 5 their sense of humor is really developing and for those who are around individuals who like to tell funny stories and jokes they will pick that up quickly and that will become part of their personality.