What would you like to do?
What are ways that the abuser and abusee can make the relationship work after confronting the abuse?
If the abuse continues - you cannot make the relationship work. Answer You both need to get counseling, separate and together. If the abuse doesn't stop, you need to get out of the relationship. It will probably be a long hard "journey", but if you are both willing to work on it, you will make it through. Answer "What are ways that the abuser and abusee can make the relationship work after confronting the abuse?" Open & Honest discussion.
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Note: Further stories and testimonials should be placed in the discussion section below. Of course they can. Consider narcissists, for instance: Narcissists attract abuse.… Haughty, exploitative, demanding, insensitive, and quarrelsome ï¿½ they tend to draw opprobrium and provoke anger and even hatred. Sorely lacking in interpersonal skills, devoid of empathy, and steeped in irksome grandiose fantasies ï¿½ they invariably fail to mitigate the irritation and revolt that they induce in others. Successful narcissists are frequently targeted by stalkers and erotomaniacs ï¿½ usually mentally ill people who develop a fixation of a sexual and emotional nature on the narcissist. When inevitably rebuffed, they become vindictive and even violent. From my perspective, HELL NO!!! I've have been, and still live with an abusive spouse. At this point in our lives (14 years), she doesn't lose it over the trivial stuff so much anymore - but boy WHEN IT HAPPENS!!! This is a behavioral problem on part of the abuser, which I've learned doesn't dissipate, but only changes form. The transition period between those stages is a nightmare. I never thought in a million years that I would have to worry about my 'Queen of Fullness' balling up her fist and busting my face up, or slamming a heavy bar mug against my head (and I see this scar which I NEVER mention EVERY DAY - mind you). I've been through nearly EVERYTHING you see on http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/ over this time period in my life with her. It has caused me: - General health problems - Years of sleepless nights and poor eating habits - EXCESSIVE marijuana and cigarette smoking - And yes, shamefully, sexual relations outside of the marriage - I'm the one who had to attend the Domestic Violence courses. - HELL-OF-A-LOT-MORE HEARTACHES!!! And hey... lemme tell ya... when you THINK someone is toying with your mind... THEY ARE!!! As crazy as it sounds I KNOW she uses people on my job to assist. I can't prove it, I can't give a ton of examples of when I perceived it to be true, but I KNOW she does. She has\had completely destroyed my self-esteem to the point where I'm almost dead inside. I let her. People would think, looking at us, that we do great. A 'modest' 500K in our home and vehicles and additional real estate. And if I had to live under a ROCK to get her to treat me respectfully FULL TIME... Ohhhhh, the cheating phase? Yes, approaching our 3rd year together, I freaked out mentally. I was soooo sure that when I left her (in pursuit of a woman who I've seen get her nose broken by her live-in boyfriend - I realize this would never have lasted) that I would never come back. But I did. And because I felt so 'worthy' and 'noble' when I was with the other woman, when that fizzled, I went looking again. And, the change in the wife's behavior was temporary. It wasn't until I realized that for many reasons, I had to make a decision as to whether to stay or leave. I thought she would change. I was SOOOO IN LOVE before, and I wanted it back. And she did - a little. Again, abuse doesn't dissipate, it just changes forms. Until now I thought 'well this attitude and action isn't as bad'. The clubbing me REDUCED, but clubbing in the other sense INCREASED dramatically (more later). I stopped the cheating. I even confessed to what I had done with no requested detail coveted. I thought I could 'regain my honor'. I just could not live with myself. Funny thing, right when I made the decision to stop, she started... and with women. This was revealed the other day during a 'deep convo'. 10 years have passed since she mentions the first time, and last week Sunday the most recent. All this unraveled when I caught her with her finger between her friends wet ones at the end of a pool party at the house last summer. Now, you might say 'Well that's what you deserve'. My response is TRY LIVING THROUGH WHAT I'VE LIVED THROUGH BEFORE YOU JUDGE!!! Really, I felt she would cheat in return, but I also felt like it was unfair for her to do it. People (or more directly 'she') would say "That's what YOU did, its what YOU wanted, none of that is my responsibility." When I look back (which she refers to as 'living in the past' although the past is just a watered down 'version of the present day') - I can't help but ask myself why I am still here? And she takes ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR "What I did", or why I have these feelings or NOTHING - this is NOT meant to be a paraphrase. I cant really say its because we were arguing at the time, her behavior shows it to be her thoughts on the matter. Arguments and disagreements... Sure, bring them on. But with her it can be scary. I consciously move around so I can be in 'jump back space' whenever it gets bad. I shake, I feel like I'm going to keel over and die at those times... not because of the topic at hand, but because I KNOW if I say something that pushes her over my glasses might get knocked off my face. And she likes to get IN my face on top of that. I've let her use my deepest fear of losing my family (or what I could salvage) against me, personal guilt and all. Nowadays 'I'm crazy'... she once had me take a piss test for crack. Then, I get "Hey you just watch, we're going to be rich". Then I get "You're right. I DON'T respect you. You know why...?" That will eventually be followed by why I suck at this or that and didn't finish college or nurture a successful business idea. The whole while defending myself with "Plenty of people don't have degrees" and then "I thought this argument was about.... NOT my college degree" "I beat Bush in the tech arena" crying bull. That's followed by the whole "How my failure to complete college relates to my inability to keep a job or 'handle responsibility'; always dwelling in the past" Followed by how she is so 'positive' and spiritual and how I only think of the negative Finally, if it's not a "SCREW YOU TOO" attitude floating around, I MIGHT get "Well... I DO want to go out tonight though baby" - This is the last straw for me... its been 10 years of Friday Saturday and possibly Sunday nights out until 6-7AM. This is the closest (writing this post I mean) I've come to professional help since our failed marriage counseling sessions of which - they are right - not only was a waste, but MADE THINGS WORSE ('We've been there' type attitude). The abusee lives in the past, because the abuser will always be abusive. The roles DON'T change. The abusee, if NOW capable for whatever reason, gathers the inner-strength to free themselves, that's what will happen. They have to be strong enough to STAY GONE. Otherwise, you WILL become dependent on the abuser, because they instill the thought that you cant make it without them. You will feel USED UP. TRAPPED. As a man, I guarantee you will hurt her badly if she doesn't get you first. For like the Nth time, they WON'T, they CAN'T make that change. It's THEM and part of WHO THEY ARE. MAYBE when they meet the next potential mate, it will be better controlled. But if you've been in it as long as I have, I feel its unrecoverable. I hate my marriage and resent what its done to me (and her, believe it or not) over the years. I'll be 35 soon and I'm just getting TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP. LEAVE! I try to sit back and go over all the things considering abuse. Our modern world has it's good points and bad, and people are very stressed out these days ... no job security, great pay fluctuations, trying to buy a house, trying to keep your house and raising kids. It's tough! When the pressure hits some people over and over again and they never seem to get a break tempers can fly. It's tough being "all things" to your mate and none of us are perfect. Words can be said we don't mean or even a slight push during an argument. At some point in EVERY person's life and for what they consider survival instincts they will use a person to a degree by picking that person's weak points and aiming right for it. We have all been there at least once whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not. Most of us move on from this, but many do not and thus, the abuser is born. If you live with an abuser, but they are not physically abusive (therefore there isn't much to fear, but having your feelings hurt from miserable comments directed at you or embarrassing moments around family and friends) then that survival instinct will kick in sooner or later and the abused person will fight back. This is a no win situation and by fighting back you have to stoop to the level of your abuser and thus, you become not only the victim of mental abuse, but also an abuser yourself. Abusers have a lot of self control issues going on in their heads and percieve the world differently than many of us do and so it's his/her way and no other way. You can't change an abuser yourself and unless they are willing to seek out professional help they will never change. It's best to leave an abuser before you become one yourself. Marcy Well being in an abusive relationship myself and not coming from any previous consistently abusive environments--it was hard for me to recognize the relationship as abusive. It started out very subtely and eventually become very blatant and physical to myself and to my child--that is when I had enough!!!! I agree with the previous person that we all do and say things we regret later--but most of us recognize it and go forth with apologizing and making amends. It is the abuser who doesn't recognize their behavior as such and will live in denial. They are seeking to obtain control in just about every facet of their partner's life and in doing so they are destroying the relationship and their partner's self esteem. They are more concerned with their own needs and desires and cannot/do not express individuality, automony, or separateness from their partner. So, to finally answer your question: I don't believe one can be and abuser and an abusee. Since abuse is generally all about control and power over an abuser and abusee cannot coexist. If one were and abusee they are not seeking power/control. However, one who has continually been abused may take on abusive behavior themselves, especially toward their abuser and even in other relationships. Although this is inappropriate behavior and response--Abuse perpetrates abuse---generally. Now, I am not condoning that type of response seeing as we all have choices of how we will behave/speak/think/act. God Bless
Here are some of the most common reasons. 1. Because they fear what will happen if or when they leave theabusive other. 2. Because they believe that in time that person will… change andthings will get better. 3. They think that something is wrong with themselves and that ifthey change things will get better that way. 4. They think that the person who abuses them just loves them alotand don't really mean to do any harm they just cant help it. The fact is if they truly love you they will get help forthemselves and make themselves better for you. Theres nothing wrongwith you its him or in some cases her. Something you could do ifyou want them to change is bring a friend over that you can staywith. The three of you sit down and talk, tell him/her what needsto change if he/she really wants to be with you then they willchange. Then leave and go stay with that friend. Him/her sayingthey have changed and coming to you and saying this 3 days fromwhen you left is false. They cant change that quick. Make them goto counciling and make sure you know they went. Talk to thecouncilor and see if he/she has made any progress. There no trueway to tell if they have changed or not until you give them asecond chance. Some people just arnt willing to take that risk.Because to be honest there is always the chance , that when you goback it gets worse because of what you did. There is also thechance that he/she has changed and it is going to be really good.Its a 70/30. . . . .good luck! Answer2: Why are so many women locked into such dangerousrelationships? Many people wonder: Why don't they seek help? Whydon't they leave? The answer, in most cases, is fear. Fear has beencalled the distinguishing feature of domestic violence. Abusive mentypically control their wives with violence and then silence themwith death threats. Even if the battered wife does find the courageto seek help, she may not always receive it. This is a tendency,even among people who abhor other forms of violence, to trivialize,ignore, or justify violence perpetrated by husbands. Also, outsidehis home the abusive husband may appear to be charming. Oftenfriends cannot believe that he beats his wife. Disbelieved and withnowhere to run, many abused wives feel that they have noalternative but to live in constant fear. Battered women who doleave sometimes becomes victims of stalking. Imagine their fear.Someone who has threatened you continues to turn up where you go.He phones you, follows you, watches you and waits for you. He mayeven kill your pet. It is a campaign of terror. (excerpt from 8/8/05 Awake "Why Do So Many Live in Fear onJehovah's Witnesses official website.)
An abusive relationship has a broad meaning, it could be physical, mental, or emotional. And it can be all three. Physical abuse is when someone hits you and it is visab…le to the eyes. Mental and emotional abuse is harder to detect and sometimes you don't even realize it until it has zapped you of you energy and your self-esteem. I have lived in an emotional and mental abusive relationship for 21 years so I know the signs. Trying to get out of such a relationship is harder because the abuser tries to make you think you are the crazy one. I have tried on a number of occasions to leave the relationship only to get sucked in by his promises of change. I hope you are not in an abusive relationship and if you are you run and never look back.
Answer It is very difficult to confront these issues when the person responsible is not ready to do or cannot do so or plain shys away from it. I also understand the differen…ce between knowing it mentally and actually feeling it. In my case, I blocked it all completely out of memory until i went to visit and returned from the visit. I am now able to recall details of the physical and verbal abuse and I am now feeling the emotions that go with it. I have read a lot about forgiveness and how it might help. But I believe that to be a gradual process. Counseling has helped me unravel some of these feelings, so that I can process them. I also encourage keeping of a journal of the memories that you recall and being able to write down any kind of feelings that come with the memories. Answer I find it just talking is difficult because it is about family matters. What if your family does not have the right kind of communication skills to confront such past memories? My family is typically conservative where sex, abuse, and other issues are only superficially mentioned. My parents have grown and changed since I left for college but the damage still remains among us, children. They don't abuse anymore or at least they are far more aware of it but the conservative ways hasn't really changed. These horrible experiences, invisible unlike physical abuse, comes to destroy people from the inside out. When you lack the social support group, because most friends do not understand or are not willing to confront that kind of reality, it becomes extremely difficult to ever confront them. I have no such strength at the moment and I'm looking for a first step towards healing from the verbal abuse but I often hit dead end roads and psychiatrists that never believe me. So I mention it or hint at things of my past to my friends but I often get dead silences on the other end. Above all being male makes it more difficult because there is so little oral communication and expression compared to women. I want to confront my parents but I don't know how to get over that wall. I also think there's a major difference between understand mentally and emotionally. I understand almost everything mentally but emotionally I haven't moved. Any advice or links where I can get help? Answer It's really hard. believe me, I know. being called a hoe. of fat. or slut. Your best bet is to talk to them. Let it all out one day when your angry. that's how I did. Answer I suggest to try to sit down with your parent and let them know that what they have done has really hurt you and that you would really appreciate if they would respect you enough to not do it anymore. And if they are angry with you to try to calm down and talk to you. I feel that yelling at them is not the answer and that it might escalate the problem even further. Answer Hey I saw the question and I knew I needed to post. I have been abused since childhood and it is still continuing, although I'm trying to get the court to recognize my father as abusive. He is incapable of recognizing his actions as abusive, therefore I can't reason with him about why I believe him to be. He won't go to counseling. (he's been to 2 different people and gotten the same response) Sometimes the abuser is so blinded that you have to get another person involved. The psychiatrist I'm currently going to has told me I am being abused. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out where to go from here with court and everything. My dad thinks everything is my fault. He can't understand why I dont want to visit him. I just wanted to post because everyone apparently thinks confronting a parent about abuse is as simple as talking to them. My advice is to go directly to someone who can legally help you. I know where you're coming from. Another answer This can be very difficult, to say the least. It would be great if you had sisters and brothers to bear witness. The first thing an abusive person does is deny it happened the "way you remember" An abuser feels the "need" to have power over someone else. That's why rape is NOT about SEX, but CONTROL. Verbal abusers are just as bad. They Need emotional control, which also does great amounts of damage to a child. To confront them, I would ask a brother or a sister to go with me to a prearranged visit to mom and dad's. The sibling, being there for emotional support, could also back the abused person's memory. Many abusers are in denial; or they simply try to justify what they did and say "it wasn't THAT bad"... BUT, if you have no siblings, find a childhood friend that maybe witnessed some verbal abuse in your home. THEN I would ask my parents to come over for coffee or go there for a visit, bringing your witness with you. Then, have a long talk about how the past has affected you live. You need to get it off your chest, and ask them WHY. Be prepared for them to deny it, or try to blame it on you. OR, they might sincerely apologize and have "seen the error of their ways". Whatever happens, I think you will be able to "get it out of your system" and be happy that you finally confronted their past actions. Confrontation may have a cathartic effect, and make you feel empowered, thereby reducing your stress level. I hope this point of view is helpful and things get better. You can do it, it may seem hard to do but if you can get up the courage to do it then you can confront them. Another answer I definitely know what you are talking about when you say that you're dad doesn't even recognize being abusive. I have never confronted my dad about things that he has done that I know are abusive, and I can't even be mean to him and I hate myself for it. I don't live at home anymore, but I just think about the past all the time, and I don't think it was until I moved away that I realized that physical or verbal abuse is not a natural reaction for everyone when they get angry. Last summer when I was home my dad attacked me so I am never going to live at home again but I just hate that he doesn't even realize why because I just make up fake reasons for why I'm not going home this summer. I have never said anything about the way he acts, and it drives me crazy that he doesn't even know how much he has hurt me. I just want to scream and scream and scream. My family deals with conflict by joking about it and my dads out burst are just an ongoing joke instead of being taken seriously, it just makes me so mad that he still doesn't realize he did anything wrong and if you asked him right now he could still justify hitting me or my mom or whoever its all about control. I wish I had the guts to confront my parents - my dad for being abusive, and my mom for never admitting it. Another answer Confronting the parent may be useless. I've done this to my own, they ignored it, and continued the abuse. It was completely useless. I've made my parent aware that what they're doing isn't right and that they are emotionally abusing me, but they could care less. They continue to call me fat (when I'm actually thin), stupid (I'm one of the smartest people my age), worthless, incompetent, and nothing I ever do is good enough for them. Not only that but I remain the scapegoat of my family for I can't leave yet (no money, no place to stay, no transportation, and I can't leave my sister to be what I am in the family, for I'm the only one strong enough to take it). I'm not allowed to do anything outside of school, and I'm never good enough for them. If anything, talking to my parent made it worse, not better. Answer Be Brave my friend, Blessed be.You don't. Just glow online and talk it out to people who don't care. Hey, it works for me. Another answer I had to add something to these answers. I'm 59 years old and was abused from the time I was 2 until I left home at 19, and then whenever I saw my family, until I finally stopped seeing them at age 25. Another answer Someone wrote above that their parents don't even know they are doing it or that there is another way to behave. I was the scapegoat and blamed for everything. My mother told me almost every day that she wished I was never born. She told everyone I had a tape worm because she hardly fed me. I tried to commit suicide by the time I was 6 or 7. Today, finally, I realize that it was not about me, but it took years and years and years. The fact that I can query this topic and add to the discussion is proof to me that I have finally exorcised their poisonous pedagogy and expelled the horrible seed they planted in me that it was my fault. My issue now is, after having stayed away for many years in order to literally save my life, and not really being able to get far enough away from it, I forgave my mother. I had to deal with her and my sister. My father is dead (thankfully). I don't understand, but I am grateful she showed me how I never want to be and I realized her total ignorance and stupidity. Now I'm faced with her aging and wondering what is the humane and ethical thing to do, under the circumstances. What are my responsibilities to her and to myself, so that health and true healing occur, not false resolution that would only make me sicker and do society no favor by allowing a lie to continue. Another answer I confronted her on and off over the years before I finally left. When I forgave her, she apologized and treats me as well as she can, but she still is who she is. Our ongoing relationship has afforded me the possibility to confront and protect myself from an abusive and simpleminded person on a case by case basis, one day at a time. She was the template, the original perpetrator's biggest fear. Another answer Holding my own with her and not abusing her back has given me a measure of confidence and success. However, now she is weak and needs help. I find myself not wanting to see her at all. For any reason. I don't want to give her any more of my precious time and energy. I wonder what the best thing is to do. I suppose I'll just have to live through this question.
First reason is women fall subject to love, they believe what they hear even when they know it's not true Women are fighters and they try to hold on to so much that sometime…s they don't realize some things are meant to be let go Women are nuturers so no matter what your habit, they'll try to change it and love you through it Believe or not women are afraid what they have known for so long, afraid to be subject to new materiel even if it is better for them they'd rather stay in a comfort zone Last but no least sometimes to us it feels like no one's listening and if they are they don't care, so we keep our problems to ourselves and try to solve them by ourselves. But we soon find out we can't and we get angry because we realize we've endangered everyone we love including us, therefore we try to run but get no where, and after a few times of falling we give up. But the good thing is there are so many centers around the world helping women in abusive relationships, but there is still a cry we don't hear, a hit we don't see, and a run that just falls away. So if you know anyone who is in a abusive relationship be a snitch and tell a therapist try to help save them before they give up on hope, love, and most important theirselves.
sometimes a person might feel like their partener is slipping away or they don't want anyone else to be with their partner so they might be abusive because thhey don't want to… lose them so like a parent might hit a child to correct them or because they want the kid to do what they want, that person mgith hit their partner to keep thme to themsleves
Well this is a difficult question because it is difficult to break the cycle of violence/abuse. Usually, the abuser was abused themselves or grew up around abuse. They may t…hink that it is normal or they may not even recognize that their actions are acceptable. I would advise you to seek out a Victim's Advocate for information; you will be able to ask specific questions and get answers as to the resources out there to help both abusee and abuser. I would say that a tremndous amount of counseling will be required if the couple is to stay together. Or use of the justice system in the form of restraining orders, arrest, or breaking up. Well, a young lady that I attended middle and high school with was in a relationship for 2 years before her relationship became abusive. She was 20 and studying psychology at a state university when her boyfriend would beat her physically and emotionally. She realized this all too late, after a while he started to abuse her even more and local law enforcement became involved. For a while they had more and more reports of domestic violence. She could not take it anymore and while he was in jail, she broke it off. Without the necessary help (i.e Victim advocate & counseling for both) she is now dead as of a week ago. He beat her badly and left her to bleed to death in her college apartment. She was found by a few friends that found it unusual that she could not be reached. He never voluntarily turned himself in, but he was picked up by the police in an unrelated matter and investigators uncovered that he murdered this young woman (22 years old) who had so much ahead of her. Even I am trying to find an answer to this i.e if there is an answer. My husband punched me on the eye 4 yrs ago and I forgave him thinking it to be an out of the ordinary incident.Silly me!And believe me there was no mention of it from either end for almost 2 yrs,it was like the night mare was over but then the abuse returned initially in the form of blame shifting,progressed to threats and then on suspicion of me freaking out with my much younger nephew!! But as stated by the researches I forgave him once again...but things were never normal again.I had that constant fear at the back of my mind.My life had changed completely.I had started avoiding my family,had begun to limit my social conversations as in I had stopped making any kind of contacts with anyone at all.All of a sudden the chirpy,full of life human being was replaced by asocial person.I had begun to stay indoors most of the time.Anytime I had to go anywhere he had to bethere with me..no i don't think that it was out of compulsion but somehow that's how it had become.If I went to my parents place alone, I would be all the time worried about reaching back home on time so that I was there around him to serve him food, to sit besides him while he watched tv...and so on. I am out of it now.I have separated from my husband and would be filing for the divorce soon and I could come to this decision only after I made his abuse public.it was only then I realised that none of it was my fault, that I wan't responsible for anything that happened.I realised there was no shame in accepting that u were abused and also that I did not deserved to be treated that way at all.I realised how special I am and no matter how good and sincere I would be the things will never change. So, the point is that the abusive relationships can never be fixed.The problem is not in the relationship the problem is that person and that perosn will never change.he may change momentarily and forget about the abuse meted out by him but the abusee can never forget it,for the abuse was a attack on her sel-respect,her beliefs,her faith,her dreams,her values...No,it can never be fixed.If we stay with the abuser the thought of the abuse makes us hate him and ourselves a bit more everyday and it starts reflecting in our behaviour in someway or the other...and the abused are always unhappy and don't u feel that we owe it to ourselves to keep our self-esteem intact,don't we deserve to be treated with respect?Don't we have the right to be happy? hi I'm a 24 year old male this might sound wierd but I'm the abuser and i want it to quit i don't beat her or anything but there are a few times that it got rough and this last time I hit her to hard and I need help. We love each other with all of our hearts and I know there is NO reason i should ever put my hands on her but I did and I'm scared that I lost her forever I'm starting classes on this and I pray to God that it works.I need one more chance to prove it to myself,her,friends,familiy,ect.I know that some guys are way worse than me and I do not want to get that way.I love my familiy and I never in my life thought that I would do this.And I know most people say to get out of that kind of relationship,but I know I can change for myself and her.I will spend this rest of my life making it up to her.And for someone that is to far in to the abusive relationship please leave before something bad happens.I think I'm at a point in life were I can try to fix this the problem is getting her to believe me,and it kills me to know that I may have lost her forever.To all of the woman going through this I'm very sorry and I hope that you find the right path in life and hang in there. You can NEVER ever change an abuser. Haven't you heard? you can never change a man unless he is in his diapers. I have seen it. Witnessed it but not experienced it. WALK AWAY!!!!!. That's that. To the 24 yr old male-- Its not crazy I admire you Im going through the same thing right now. In a world with Chris brown we all know what it looks like to be that monster but so few can tell it from the shoes of an alleged. There minimal information on the internet that support the other side of the coin. Forthcoming with acknowledgement of my own faults I too want to seek help. I'm going to lookin into rage-a-holic annonymous because Although some articles I read say 'they blame it on rage' I have had incidents where Id argue with my parents and start trashing my room and kicking furniture. I need help because it is ruining my life and my relationship. I wish there was more advice about fixing an abusive relationship then just safe ways to leave it. ;\\ Answer I think in most cases the individuals who say that people cannot change their abusive ways are right. However, I do not believe that no one can change. That is like saying that gambling, alcohol and drug addictions cannot be helped. If the individual is commited to changing his behaviour and is willing to put the necessary time and effort into healing himself; I believe it can be done. I am an abuser. Verbal and in a few cases the verbal escalated to physical. It is only after a session of therapy and research that I realized how serious verbal abuse can be on your victim, short term and long term. My wife and partner of 5 years is taking the steps to leave me. This is my rock bottom. Regardless if she stays or leaves I know what I need to do to become a better person. If she wants to stay with me and help me get through this as long as there are no more incidences I would greatly appreciate it if she doesn't, I unerstand her. There needs to be better resources for people who want help. Communities as a whole will benefit. Knowing there is help out there for abusers is just as important than for abusee's. If the victim leaves the relationship and many times the incidence of verbal abuse is not reported or not taken seriously enough, although the damage can be severe, the abuser will find another victim.
Answer Check out this website for some good information. Just click or copy and paste into your address bar. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic…_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
NO. Never confront an abuser especially one who has demonstrated a violent history. Never argue with her or disagree. Agree with him until he calms down. The only safe way out… is to calm her down. Eventually no matter how enraged she is, she will run out of steam. Once he is either asleep or out of the house LEAVE. GET OUT. Do not try to reason with her because...... Abusers are predators, attuned to the subtlest emotional cues of their prey. Never show your abuser that you are afraid or that you are less than resolute. The willingness to negotiate is perceived as a weakness by bullies. Violent offenders are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail or emotional extortion - once you start compromising, you won't see the end of it. The abuser creates a "shared psychosis" (follies-a-deux) with his victim, an overwhelming feeling of "the two of us against the whole world". Don't buy into it. Feel free to threaten her (with legal measures), to disengage if things get rough- or to involve law enforcement officers, friends, neighbours, and colleagues. Here are a few counterintuitive guidelines: The abused feel ashamed, somehow responsible, guilty, and blameworthy for their maltreatment. The abuser is adept at instilling these erroneous notions in his victims ("look what you made me do!"). So, above all, do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Share your story with friends, colleagues, neighbors, social workers, the police, the media, your minister, and anyone else who will listen. Don't make excuses for him or her. Don't try to understand her. Do not empathize with him - he, surely, does not empathize with you. She has no mercy on you - you, in return, do not harbor misplaced pity for him. Never give her a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression. Teach him a lesson he is unlikely to forget. Make her go elsewhere for his sadistic pursuits or to offload his frustrations. Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser. Trap your abuser. Treat her as she treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse. There are a few techniques which work wonders with abusers. Some psychologists recommend to treat repeat offenders as one would toddlers. The abuser is, indeed, an immature brat - though a dangerous one, endowed as he is with the privileges and capabilities of an adult. Sometimes ignoring his temper tantrums until it is over is a wise policy. But not very often - and, definitely not as a rule. Read these articles for tips and advice: It depends on the situation, the degree of your relationship (wife, daughter, sister, etc.), and whether confronting him or her would jeopardize your safety. I did confronted my abusive father. I didn't have the nerve to do it in person, but I wrote him a letter that was 4 pages long and told him everything I ever wanted to tell him. And you know what? It feels great! I am freed from the responsibility of having to pretend, of feeling responsible for his happiness and/or unhappiness, and the burden that I carried is gone. I say YES. My father crossed the line when I was 15 and again when I was 19. My 2 sisters knew of the 1st incident but we never really talked about it and never told anyone else. I never told my mother;I was afraid she wouldn't believe me or that I (it wasn't me but my father)would cause my parents to divorce. I'm now 48 and have never told a single soul..I was ashamed and didn't want anyone to know what a creep my father was. I've been going to counselling to learn to let go of the anger and move on with some sort of relationship since my parents are now 71. Unfortunately, one of my sisters, without my knowledge or consent, last week told my 71 year old mother. She accused me of being on drugs (I'm not) and has disowned me. So now instead of dealing with the abuse issue with a professional and in private, I'm dealing with absolute rage at my sister as well as suddenly being without my mother and father. My mother's reaction is exactly why I didn't tell her 33 years ago. If you think confrontation will "fix" the abuser, get a clue and give it up. Confrontation, however, can be a declaration of independence for the abused. Abuse continues as long as the object of that abuse is convenient and reasonably risk-free for exposure of the abuser. A child is at risk if he decides to confront his adult abuser alone. That child should find the courage to tell an adult who is willing to get involved by believing the abuse is real and factual. An abuser will gauge the ability and strength of the confronter. How that abuser responds to confrontation depends on the opportunity available to him by strength and ability. The same is true of a woman confronting a physically abusive man...or one capable of physical abuse where it has not been present before confrontation. Confronters are always at risk and should never doubt the reaction of a predator who has been backed into a corner. He will try to escape by any method he perceives is available...even by accelerating the abuse to remove the accuser. When the abused one is no longer at risk by virtue of numbers or strength, it is healthy for the abused to confront the abuser... healthy for the abused one... to give back a sense of personal power which will have been damaged by his powerlessness to avoid the abuse...or his guilt for feeling as if, perhaps, he deserved to be abused for some unknown reason. Confrontation throws the light of day on whatever deterrent there was for the abused one to have defended himself against the attack in whatever form it assumed. I am 22 years old yet I can definetly relate with Debbie. I was also abused by my father but at a very young age. My abuse carried on for several years, until I was old enough to realise what was really going on and put a stop it. I never told a single soul, but this resulted in me developing an eating disorder (bulemia) and therefore being a "wild" teenager and even adult. I justify my crazy actions, like drugs, casual sex, drinking and driving with the whole factor of being abused. When my parents would try to discipline me I would laugh in their face. My mother never understood where my lack of respect and resentment came from, until one nite (when I was 19) coming home at 4 am completely entoxicated the truth all came out. This caused my whole family to disintegrate. My mother kicked my father out, my two brothers moved away. My father became very depressed, he even attempted suicide. My mother was lonely since it was only the 3 of us left in the country (My brothers went to different country). I continued to live with my mother and felt sorry for her and even for my father, so, I found it in my heart to forgive my father and let him come back to live with us. It has now been 3 years since this happened and things are pretty much back to normal. My mom forgave my Dad, they are presently happily married. To them it is as if it never happened. The sad part is Im screwed up for life, or until I get some intense counselling. Because of my abuse as a child, I have already been in an abusive relationship with a man that was verbal and physical. I got out of that one last December 2003. Now I am currently in a relationship, which by me reading your information on this website, have realised is a narsassistic abuse relationship. Constant put downs and humiliation followed my passion and love followed by demeaning comments. So, for me this is a vicious cycle. I hope one day, I can get past all this and are able to live my life with someone that loves me and appreciates me as much as I do them. i told my abuser why i left him viA a text message while he was begging me back. i told him it was his need to CONTROL me, THE FEELING OF WORTHLESSNESS, the NEVER BEING ABLE TO DO OR SAY ANYTHING RIGHT, THE CONSTANT VERBAL ABUSE, ARGUEMENTS OVER NOTHING, THE PHYSICAL ABUSE BASICALLY THE WAY HE TREATED ME THAT MADE ME LEAVE. HE SAID HE WAS SORRY THAT IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT. THEN MET A GIRL ON THE INTERNET GOT ENGAGED IN 3 WEEKS TO HER. SHE CALLED ME TO SEE WHAT HE WAS LIKE WITH ME. SHES LEFT HIM. SO I GUESS CONFRONTING THEM IS ALL WELL AND GOOD YET. DOES IT REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO THEM I WOULD SAY NOT! "Should you confront your abuser?" Absolutely! Look, I have a friend who wasn't doing very well lately so i asked him if everythging was ok and he told me everything was, but i could see something in his eyes that wasn't right. It took me 2 weeks to get to the root of the problem. Apparently, his step-father was abusing him and i was the first person he told me about it. The mere fact that he could confide in me was very touching, so I had to find a way to help him out. I am in the proccess of working things out right now. Just a message to victim's of abuse: Do not under any circumstances let your abuser break you down whether its emotional, mental, or physical pain. People will respect the fact that you have the will to tell someone or do something about it yourself, and if anyone thinks otherwise, then they are not really your friends. AnswerI personally wouldn't. I learned from that mistake. I guess it really depends how bad the abuse is though. I was in a horrible relationship with this guy who was very abusive. When I confronted him it was the worst thing I could have done. He was furious & had hurt me worse then ever before. It was so bad that when I tried to leave he locked me in the bath room for a few days. Point is, just be careful, sometimes the best thing is to just plot the best way to leave & get away from the abuser & never turn back.
Answer Mental abuse is when someone is calling you names, putting you down, you can never do anything right, they constantly argue with you or they don't give you… a chance to form an opinion. Withholding sex is also mental abuse if the person is using it to get their own way. Demeaning the person constantly in front of family and friends. Interfering with your work by phoning and arguing or demanding you come home or be home at a certain time. Keeping tabs on you 24/7 or not allowing the person to see friends or go out and have a good time or not allowing the person to have some head space of their own. Basically, disrespect! Physical abuse is kicking, scratching, punching, throwing things at the person, throwing the person against the wall or on the floor, hitting the person with an object, throwing objects at the person. Causing bruising, black eyes, missing teeth or broken bones. Men are abused much more than a lot of society realizes. Most men were brought up not to hit women and most don't so some men take the abuse. There are programs out there for abused men. Just phone mental health. A man should never feel embarrassed, weak in any way for trying to get this help. If you are looking for the definition it is when you are invovled romanticly with an abusive man/woman. You should not have a relationship with these people. If they "love" you they would not do these harmful things to you.
I mean no offense, but it surprises me that you need advice from others on this. If your daughter is living with you at home it is simply a matter of presenting him [the… boyfriend] with the facts as you know them. Even if your daughter is an adult and living outside of your home, you are dealing with family relationships. Do it with your daughter's knowledge and permission if possible, but do it without if necessary. Abusers rarely change, and the abused party often becomes protective of the abuser. The cycle isn't going to be broken unless some tough love is applied. If your daughter's other parent is in the picture, do it as a team.
Answer That is a very classic attitude of the abuser. He/She thinks the relationship will be on my terms. They think that they will decide when you are happy and …sad. Beware, these types are very manipulative and will do anything to make sure your in turmoil.
Answer There are many kinds and types of abusers. It is impossible to define a single pathogenesis (origin and development of the pathological conduct). Culture and soc…iety also play a role. Abuse cuts across social-economic strata, geography, ethnic lines, and periods in history. It is associated with certain mental health disorders but this is not a prerequisite - abusers can be psychologically healthy, in the clinical sense.
How do you know if you are in an abusive relationship or if you are depressed and that makes you think irrationally?
Hello I try to stay close to people who are healthy (mrenatlly and emoninally and spirtually) and are growing themselves...like a recovery group of some type and a good 12 s…tep group in which i can get some objectivity... But to maitain some healthy boundaries as well...when a very manipulative person (male or female) tire to use their manipulative and controlling tactics and shame me, for their problem... i stay separate from them and realize its more abot the person who is talking rather than about what they are saying in tryin got blame me for their problem....this for me is called "detachment"....to detach with love is another bit of work in which i can mature and work towards being around someone who is very controlling and abusive...DONT TAKE ON THEIR SHAME.... We can give it back to them... Rick herranz June 20th,2004 It's very simple, how did you feel about yourself before the relationship? If you are in an abusive relationship you will suffer from lowered self esteem, internalized anger which turns into depression and more than likely some anxiety(a feeling of always walking on egg shells). Do a comparison on how you felt before the relationship and how your partner has made you feel now. And just remember if you made it before without him, you can make it again.
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here's my personal quote for which i live by "yesterday is gone and today starts a new life for which you control, if you wake up thinking about wrongs of yesterday you have …already ruined the day, and you have to start all over again the next" and if you ruin to many days you will look at yourself years down the road and realize that it is to late to start over again so do it now while you still have a grip on it,,, hope that helps:0) I like what the other poster said. I was in a emotional/physical abusive marriage for almost 4 years. It hurt so I know how you feel. At first you tend to blame ourselves because you simply can't understand why anyone would treat you in such a way when you didn't deserve it. Well, there are some sick and nasty people out there. I divorced by first husband and found my own apartment and got a new job, made new friends and did date. I made up my mind that I wasn't going to let one man sour me against all men and so, I dated and was as careful as I possibly could be to pick men I thought were kind and gentle and most were (none were abusive.) I also gave myself a chance to get to know who and what I was about and got to know my own strengths and weaknesses. I learned from that bad relationship. I met and married a wonderful man and had absolutely no problem in the fear that he too would be emotionally/physically abusive to me because I knew now what signs to look for and I had the control to walk out the door anytime I wanted if this behavior happened. Here is a quote I have on my fridge: "WHEN YOU DON'T FORGIVE SOMEONE THAT HAS HURT YOU THEY STILL HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU!" Let it go, and enjoy! well, to be honest, some of those memories will stay with you for awhile because things affect everyone less or more differently than other people. I was in an emotional abusive relationship for 4 years and I am currently in a healthy loving relationship 6 months later, but I still have some doubt and trouble letting go some of those things I went through. It's natural to feel that way because you are scared of being hurt again, especially if the person before hurt you tremendously. the only thing I can suggest, which is what I am currently doing myself, is to just let go of those memories and make new good ones. you know what to expect now and what you are not willing to put up with if things start going wrong again. take what you learned from the past abusive relationship and apply it to your new relationship. most likely you have learned something already because you have established a new relationship as it is, and most likely this guy is an improvement from the last. just go with the flow. and as much as this may suck to say and hear, if a guy is going to hurt you there really isn't anything you can do about it. we don't know who and when we will be hurt but we can control our own actions. as long as you are true to yourself and treat people with respect, then those who hurt you will have that on their heads, not you.
It exist because the person being hurt stays in the relationship thinking the abuser will stop. Face reality this person has issues and they will not just up and change. I wou…ld advise anyone who is in an abusive relationship whether physical,emotional or verbal get out while you still can, because the abuser is not going to change magically.
Abuse comes in many ways; it can be both emotional and psychological. As a victim dealing with abuse, the best way is to set boundaries and realize you alone cannot change the… abuser. The best way to handle it is to set boundaries, understand that it is your reactions that you can really change, and get professional help if problem escalates. Confronting an abuser as an outsider may or may not be the best idea; they may take as an attack and direct their anger at you. If it is indeed physical abuse, call authorities! There are laws against physical abuse, but not emotional abuse.