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What are ways that the abuser and abusee can make the relationship work after confronting the abuse?
If the abuse continues - you cannot make the relationship work. Answer You both need to get counseling, separate and together. If the abuse doesn't stop, you need to get out of the relationship. It will probably be a long hard "journey", but if you are both willing to work on it, you will make it through. Answer "What are ways that the abuser and abusee can make the relationship work after confronting the abuse?" Open & Honest discussion.
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NO. Never confront an abuser especially one who has demonstrated a violent history. Never argue with her or disagree. Agree with him until he calms down. The only safe way out… is to calm her down. Eventually no matter how enraged she is, she will run out of steam. Once he is either asleep or out of the house LEAVE. GET OUT. Do not try to reason with her because...... Abusers are predators, attuned to the subtlest emotional cues of their prey. Never show your abuser that you are afraid or that you are less than resolute. The willingness to negotiate is perceived as a weakness by bullies. Violent offenders are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail or emotional extortion - once you start compromising, you won't see the end of it. The abuser creates a "shared psychosis" (follies-a-deux) with his victim, an overwhelming feeling of "the two of us against the whole world". Don't buy into it. Feel free to threaten her (with legal measures), to disengage if things get rough- or to involve law enforcement officers, friends, neighbours, and colleagues. Here are a few counterintuitive guidelines: The abused feel ashamed, somehow responsible, guilty, and blameworthy for their maltreatment. The abuser is adept at instilling these erroneous notions in his victims ("look what you made me do!"). So, above all, do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Share your story with friends, colleagues, neighbors, social workers, the police, the media, your minister, and anyone else who will listen. Don't make excuses for him or her. Don't try to understand her. Do not empathize with him - he, surely, does not empathize with you. She has no mercy on you - you, in return, do not harbor misplaced pity for him. Never give her a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression. Teach him a lesson he is unlikely to forget. Make her go elsewhere for his sadistic pursuits or to offload his frustrations. Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser. Trap your abuser. Treat her as she treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse. There are a few techniques which work wonders with abusers. Some psychologists recommend to treat repeat offenders as one would toddlers. The abuser is, indeed, an immature brat - though a dangerous one, endowed as he is with the privileges and capabilities of an adult. Sometimes ignoring his temper tantrums until it is over is a wise policy. But not very often - and, definitely not as a rule. Read these articles for tips and advice: Answer It depends on the situation, the degree of your relationship (wife, daughter, sister, etc.), and whether confronting him or her would jeopardize your safety. I did confronted my abusive father. I didn't have the nerve to do it in person, but I wrote him a letter that was 4 pages long and told him everything I ever wanted to tell him. And you know what? It feels great! I am freed from the responsibility of having to pretend, of feeling responsible for his happiness and/or unhappiness, and the burden that I carried is gone. Answer I say YES. My father crossed the line when I was 15 and again when I was 19. My 2 sisters knew of the 1st incident but we never really talked about it and never told anyone else. I never told my mother;I was afraid she wouldn't believe me or that I (it wasn't me but my father)would cause my parents to divorce. I'm now 48 and have never told a single soul..I was ashamed and didn't want anyone to know what a creep my father was. I've been going to counselling to learn to let go of the anger and move on with some sort of relationship since my parents are now 71. Unfortunately, one of my sisters, without my knowledge or consent, last week told my 71 year old mother. She accused me of being on drugs (I'm not) and has disowned me. So now instead of dealing with the abuse issue with a professional and in private, I'm dealing with absolute rage at my sister as well as suddenly being without my mother and father. My mother's reaction is exactly why I didn't tell her 33 years ago. Answer If you think confrontation will "fix" the abuser, get a clue and give it up. Confrontation, however, can be a declaration of independence for the abused. Abuse continues as long as the object of that abuse is convenient and reasonably risk-free for exposure of the abuser. A child is at risk if he decides to confront his adult abuser alone. That child should find the courage to tell an adult who is willing to get involved by believing the abuse is real and factual. An abuser will gauge the ability and strength of the confronter. How that abuser responds to confrontation depends on the opportunity available to him by strength and ability. The same is true of a woman confronting a physically abusive man...or one capable of physical abuse where it has not been present before confrontation. Confronters are always at risk and should never doubt the reaction of a predator who has been backed into a corner. He will try to escape by any method he perceives is available...even by accelerating the abuse to remove the accuser. When the abused one is no longer at risk by virtue of numbers or strength, it is healthy for the abused to confront the abuser... healthy for the abused one... to give back a sense of personal power which will have been damaged by his powerlessness to avoid the abuse...or his guilt for feeling as if, perhaps, he deserved to be abused for some unknown reason. Confrontation throws the light of day on whatever deterrent there was for the abused one to have defended himself against the attack in whatever form it assumed. Answer I am 22 years old yet I can definetly relate with Debbie. I was also abused by my father but at a very young age. My abuse carried on for several years, until I was old enough to realise what was really going on and put a stop it. I never told a single soul, but this resulted in me developing an eating disorder (bulemia) and therefore being a "wild" teenager and even adult. I justify my crazy actions, like drugs, casual sex, drinking and driving with the whole factor of being abused. When my parents would try to discipline me I would laugh in their face. My mother never understood where my lack of respect and resentment came from, until one nite (when I was 19) coming home at 4 am completely entoxicated the truth all came out. This caused my whole family to disintegrate. My mother kicked my father out, my two brothers moved away. My father became very depressed, he even attempted suicide. My mother was lonely since it was only the 3 of us left in the country (My brothers went to different country). I continued to live with my mother and felt sorry for her and even for my father, so, I found it in my heart to forgive my father and let him come back to live with us. It has now been 3 years since this happened and things are pretty much back to normal. My mom forgave my Dad, they are presently happily married. To them it is as if it never happened. The sad part is Im screwed up for life, or until I get some intense counselling. Because of my abuse as a child, I have already been in an abusive relationship with a man that was verbal and physical. I got out of that one last December 2003. Now I am currently in a relationship, which by me reading your information on this website, have realised is a narsassistic abuse relationship. Constant put downs and humiliation followed my passion and love followed by demeaning comments. So, for me this is a vicious cycle. I hope one day, I can get past all this and are able to live my life with someone that loves me and appreciates me as much as I do them. Answer i told my abuser why i left him viA a text message while he was begging me back. i told him it was his need to CONTROL me, THE FEELING OF WORTHLESSNESS, the NEVER BEING ABLE TO DO OR SAY ANYTHING RIGHT, THE CONSTANT VERBAL ABUSE, ARGUEMENTS OVER NOTHING, THE PHYSICAL ABUSE BASICALLY THE WAY HE TREATED ME THAT MADE ME LEAVE. HE SAID HE WAS SORRY THAT IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT. THEN MET A GIRL ON THE INTERNET GOT ENGAGED IN 3 WEEKS TO HER. SHE CALLED ME TO SEE WHAT HE WAS LIKE WITH ME. SHES LEFT HIM. SO I GUESS CONFRONTING THEM IS ALL WELL AND GOOD YET. DOES IT REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO THEM I WOULD SAY NOT! Answer "Should you confront your abuser?" Absolutely! Answer Look, I have a friend who wasn't doing very well lately so i asked him if everythging was ok and he told me everything was, but i could see something in his eyes that wasn't right. It took me 2 weeks to get to the root of the problem. Apparently, his step-father was abusing him and i was the first person he told me about it. The mere fact that he could confide in me was very touching, so I had to find a way to help him out. I am in the proccess of working things out right now. Just a message to victim's of abuse: Do not under any circumstances let your abuser break you down whether its emotional, mental, or physical pain. People will respect the fact that you have the will to tell someone or do something about it yourself, and if anyone thinks otherwise, then they are not really your friends. Answer I personally wouldn't. I learned from that mistake. I guess it really depends how bad the abuse is though. I was in a horrible relationship with this guy who was very abusive. When I confronted him it was the worst thing I could have done. He was furious & had hurt me worse then ever before. It was so bad that when I tried to leave he locked me in the bath room for a few days. Point is, just be careful, sometimes the best thing is to just plot the best way to leave & get away from the abuser & never turn back.
Note: Further stories and testimonials should be placed in the discussion section below. Of course they can. Consider narcissists, for instance: Narcissists attract abuse.… Haughty, exploitative, demanding, insensitive, and quarrelsome ï¿½ they tend to draw opprobrium and provoke anger and even hatred. Sorely lacking in interpersonal skills, devoid of empathy, and steeped in irksome grandiose fantasies ï¿½ they invariably fail to mitigate the irritation and revolt that they induce in others. Successful narcissists are frequently targeted by stalkers and erotomaniacs ï¿½ usually mentally ill people who develop a fixation of a sexual and emotional nature on the narcissist. When inevitably rebuffed, they become vindictive and even violent. From my perspective, HELL NO!!! I've have been, and still live with an abusive spouse. At this point in our lives (14 years), she doesn't lose it over the trivial stuff so much anymore - but boy WHEN IT HAPPENS!!! This is a behavioral problem on part of the abuser, which I've learned doesn't dissipate, but only changes form. The transition period between those stages is a nightmare. I never thought in a million years that I would have to worry about my 'Queen of Fullness' balling up her fist and busting my face up, or slamming a heavy bar mug against my head (and I see this scar which I NEVER mention EVERY DAY - mind you). I've been through nearly EVERYTHING you see on http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/ over this time period in my life with her. It has caused me: - General health problems - Years of sleepless nights and poor eating habits - EXCESSIVE marijuana and cigarette smoking - And yes, shamefully, sexual relations outside of the marriage - I'm the one who had to attend the Domestic Violence courses. - HELL-OF-A-LOT-MORE HEARTACHES!!! And hey... lemme tell ya... when you THINK someone is toying with your mind... THEY ARE!!! As crazy as it sounds I KNOW she uses people on my job to assist. I can't prove it, I can't give a ton of examples of when I perceived it to be true, but I KNOW she does. She has\had completely destroyed my self-esteem to the point where I'm almost dead inside. I let her. People would think, looking at us, that we do great. A 'modest' 500K in our home and vehicles and additional real estate. And if I had to live under a ROCK to get her to treat me respectfully FULL TIME... Ohhhhh, the cheating phase? Yes, approaching our 3rd year together, I freaked out mentally. I was soooo sure that when I left her (in pursuit of a woman who I've seen get her nose broken by her live-in boyfriend - I realize this would never have lasted) that I would never come back. But I did. And because I felt so 'worthy' and 'noble' when I was with the other woman, when that fizzled, I went looking again. And, the change in the wife's behavior was temporary. It wasn't until I realized that for many reasons, I had to make a decision as to whether to stay or leave. I thought she would change. I was SOOOO IN LOVE before, and I wanted it back. And she did - a little. Again, abuse doesn't dissipate, it just changes forms. Until now I thought 'well this attitude and action isn't as bad'. The clubbing me REDUCED, but clubbing in the other sense INCREASED dramatically (more later). I stopped the cheating. I even confessed to what I had done with no requested detail coveted. I thought I could 'regain my honor'. I just could not live with myself. Funny thing, right when I made the decision to stop, she started... and with women. This was revealed the other day during a 'deep convo'. 10 years have passed since she mentions the first time, and last week Sunday the most recent. All this unraveled when I caught her with her finger between her friends wet ones at the end of a pool party at the house last summer. Now, you might say 'Well that's what you deserve'. My response is TRY LIVING THROUGH WHAT I'VE LIVED THROUGH BEFORE YOU JUDGE!!! Really, I felt she would cheat in return, but I also felt like it was unfair for her to do it. People (or more directly 'she') would say "That's what YOU did, its what YOU wanted, none of that is my responsibility." When I look back (which she refers to as 'living in the past' although the past is just a watered down 'version of the present day') - I can't help but ask myself why I am still here? And she takes ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR "What I did", or why I have these feelings or NOTHING - this is NOT meant to be a paraphrase. I cant really say its because we were arguing at the time, her behavior shows it to be her thoughts on the matter. Arguments and disagreements... Sure, bring them on. But with her it can be scary. I consciously move around so I can be in 'jump back space' whenever it gets bad. I shake, I feel like I'm going to keel over and die at those times... not because of the topic at hand, but because I KNOW if I say something that pushes her over my glasses might get knocked off my face. And she likes to get IN my face on top of that. I've let her use my deepest fear of losing my family (or what I could salvage) against me, personal guilt and all. Nowadays 'I'm crazy'... she once had me take a piss test for crack. Then, I get "Hey you just watch, we're going to be rich". Then I get "You're right. I DON'T respect you. You know why...?" That will eventually be followed by why I suck at this or that and didn't finish college or nurture a successful business idea. The whole while defending myself with "Plenty of people don't have degrees" and then "I thought this argument was about.... NOT my college degree" "I beat Bush in the tech arena" crying bull. That's followed by the whole "How my failure to complete college relates to my inability to keep a job or 'handle responsibility'; always dwelling in the past" Followed by how she is so 'positive' and spiritual and how I only think of the negative Finally, if it's not a "SCREW YOU TOO" attitude floating around, I MIGHT get "Well... I DO want to go out tonight though baby" - This is the last straw for me... its been 10 years of Friday Saturday and possibly Sunday nights out until 6-7AM. This is the closest (writing this post I mean) I've come to professional help since our failed marriage counseling sessions of which - they are right - not only was a waste, but MADE THINGS WORSE ('We've been there' type attitude). The abusee lives in the past, because the abuser will always be abusive. The roles DON'T change. The abusee, if NOW capable for whatever reason, gathers the inner-strength to free themselves, that's what will happen. They have to be strong enough to STAY GONE. Otherwise, you WILL become dependent on the abuser, because they instill the thought that you cant make it without them. You will feel USED UP. TRAPPED. As a man, I guarantee you will hurt her badly if she doesn't get you first. For like the Nth time, they WON'T, they CAN'T make that change. It's THEM and part of WHO THEY ARE. MAYBE when they meet the next potential mate, it will be better controlled. But if you've been in it as long as I have, I feel its unrecoverable. I hate my marriage and resent what its done to me (and her, believe it or not) over the years. I'll be 35 soon and I'm just getting TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP. LEAVE! I try to sit back and go over all the things considering abuse. Our modern world has it's good points and bad, and people are very stressed out these days ... no job security, great pay fluctuations, trying to buy a house, trying to keep your house and raising kids. It's tough! When the pressure hits some people over and over again and they never seem to get a break tempers can fly. It's tough being "all things" to your mate and none of us are perfect. Words can be said we don't mean or even a slight push during an argument. At some point in EVERY person's life and for what they consider survival instincts they will use a person to a degree by picking that person's weak points and aiming right for it. We have all been there at least once whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not. Most of us move on from this, but many do not and thus, the abuser is born. If you live with an abuser, but they are not physically abusive (therefore there isn't much to fear, but having your feelings hurt from miserable comments directed at you or embarrassing moments around family and friends) then that survival instinct will kick in sooner or later and the abused person will fight back. This is a no win situation and by fighting back you have to stoop to the level of your abuser and thus, you become not only the victim of mental abuse, but also an abuser yourself. Abusers have a lot of self control issues going on in their heads and percieve the world differently than many of us do and so it's his/her way and no other way. You can't change an abuser yourself and unless they are willing to seek out professional help they will never change. It's best to leave an abuser before you become one yourself. Marcy Well being in an abusive relationship myself and not coming from any previous consistently abusive environments--it was hard for me to recognize the relationship as abusive. It started out very subtely and eventually become very blatant and physical to myself and to my child--that is when I had enough!!!! I agree with the previous person that we all do and say things we regret later--but most of us recognize it and go forth with apologizing and making amends. It is the abuser who doesn't recognize their behavior as such and will live in denial. They are seeking to obtain control in just about every facet of their partner's life and in doing so they are destroying the relationship and their partner's self esteem. They are more concerned with their own needs and desires and cannot/do not express individuality, automony, or separateness from their partner. So, to finally answer your question: I don't believe one can be and abuser and an abusee. Since abuse is generally all about control and power over an abuser and abusee cannot coexist. If one were and abusee they are not seeking power/control. However, one who has continually been abused may take on abusive behavior themselves, especially toward their abuser and even in other relationships. Although this is inappropriate behavior and response--Abuse perpetrates abuse---generally. Now, I am not condoning that type of response seeing as we all have choices of how we will behave/speak/think/act. God Bless
just get up and leave or go to the cops Cut your losses, leave and never look back. Cut off all contact with the abuser change your phone number, do not let him know where yo…u are staying or how to get ahold of you. I recently left an abusive relationship with a woman that I fell in love with. I just left one day because I couldn't tolerate it anymore. She wanted an explanation and when I attempted to give her one, it was discounted and my feelings were devalued at which point she then tried to blame everything on me and make her out to be the victim. Typical behavior of an abuser. That in turn gave me further reinforcement that I made the right decision in leaving. Relationships are "at-will". You don't owe an explanation. Just trust your gut and do what is best for you and don't look back.
You may be too young to do that alone. If that is the case, please see help. I am guessing that you are underage and unable to leave home at this point. If so, please go to… Children's Welfare or Mental Health in your area and lodge a complaint against your parent. This will be investigated and you could be placed with another family member. Be warned, that it is not abuse if your parent "grounds you", refuses to agree with you on certain things, etc., but if that parent is beating you, mentally abusing you such as calling you names then you have a case relentlessly and you have not not provoked this action then it is abuse. Believe it or not you can, in some States and in Canada divorce a parent or parents. If you are abused please go to either one of the sources I have given you and lodge a complaint against your parent. Child Services is there to protect you. When there is no love within a person what-so-ever,( as in the case of narcissists)the only thing we can expect is their inner hatred in the form of abuse. A confrontation about their abuse towards us only leads to more abuse. The hardest way and only way is to save yourself and get away. Narcissists cannot give up abuse it is their only pleasure.
Answer It is very difficult to confront these issues when the person responsible is not ready to do or cannot do so or plain shys away from it. I also understand the differe…nce between knowing it mentally and actually feeling it. In my case, I blocked it all completely out of memory until i went to visit and returned from the visit. I am now able to recall details of the physical and verbal abuse and I am now feeling the emotions that go with it. I have read a lot about forgiveness and how it might help. But I believe that to be a gradual process. Counseling has helped me unravel some of these feelings, so that I can process them. I also encourage keeping of a journal of the memories that you recall and being able to write down any kind of feelings that come with the memories. Answer I find it just talking is difficult because it is about family matters. What if your family does not have the right kind of communication skills to confront such past memories? My family is typically conservative where sex, abuse, and other issues are only superficially mentioned. My parents have grown and changed since I left for college but the damage still remains among us, children. They don't abuse anymore or at least they are far more aware of it but the conservative ways hasn't really changed. These horrible experiences, invisible unlike physical abuse, comes to destroy people from the inside out. When you lack the social support group, because most friends do not understand or are not willing to confront that kind of reality, it becomes extremely difficult to ever confront them. I have no such strength at the moment and I'm looking for a first step towards healing from the verbal abuse but I often hit dead end roads and psychiatrists that never believe me. So I mention it or hint at things of my past to my friends but I often get dead silences on the other end. Above all being male makes it more difficult because there is so little oral communication and expression compared to women. I want to confront my parents but I don't know how to get over that wall. I also think there's a major difference between understand mentally and emotionally. I understand almost everything mentally but emotionally I haven't moved. Any advice or links where I can get help? Answer It's really hard. believe me, I know. being called a hoe. of fat. or slut. Your best bet is to talk to them. Let it all out one day when your angry. that's how I did. Answer I suggest to try to sit down with your parent and let them know that what they have done has really hurt you and that you would really appreciate if they would respect you enough to not do it anymore. And if they are angry with you to try to calm down and talk to you. I feel that yelling at them is not the answer and that it might escalate the problem even further. Answer Hey I saw the question and I knew I needed to post. I have been abused since childhood and it is still continuing, although I'm trying to get the court to recognize my father as abusive. He is incapable of recognizing his actions as abusive, therefore I can't reason with him about why I believe him to be. He won't go to counseling. (he's been to 2 different people and gotten the same response) Sometimes the abuser is so blinded that you have to get another person involved. The psychiatrist I'm currently going to has told me I am being abused. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out where to go from here with court and everything. My dad thinks everything is my fault. He can't understand why I dont want to visit him. I just wanted to post because everyone apparently thinks confronting a parent about abuse is as simple as talking to them. My advice is to go directly to someone who can legally help you. I know where you're coming from. Another answer This can be very difficult, to say the least. It would be great if you had sisters and brothers to bear witness. The first thing an abusive person does is deny it happened the "way you remember" An abuser feels the "need" to have power over someone else. That's why rape is NOT about SEX, but CONTROL. Verbal abusers are just as bad. They Need emotional control, which also does great amounts of damage to a child. To confront them, I would ask a brother or a sister to go with me to a prearranged visit to mom and dad's. The sibling, being there for emotional support, could also back the abused person's memory. Many abusers are in denial; or they simply try to justify what they did and say "it wasn't THAT bad"... BUT, if you have no siblings, find a childhood friend that maybe witnessed some verbal abuse in your home. THEN I would ask my parents to come over for coffee or go there for a visit, bringing your witness with you. Then, have a long talk about how the past has affected you live. You need to get it off your chest, and ask them WHY. Be prepared for them to deny it, or try to blame it on you. OR, they might sincerely apologize and have "seen the error of their ways". Whatever happens, I think you will be able to "get it out of your system" and be happy that you finally confronted their past actions. Confrontation may have a cathartic effect, and make you feel empowered, thereby reducing your stress level. I hope this point of view is helpful and things get better. You can do it, it may seem hard to do but if you can get up the courage to do it then you can confront them. Another answer I definitely know what you are talking about when you say that you're dad doesn't even recognize being abusive. I have never confronted my dad about things that he has done that I know are abusive, and I can't even be mean to him and I hate myself for it. I don't live at home anymore, but I just think about the past all the time, and I don't think it was until I moved away that I realized that physical or verbal abuse is not a natural reaction for everyone when they get angry. Last summer when I was home my dad attacked me so I am never going to live at home again but I just hate that he doesn't even realize why because I just make up fake reasons for why I'm not going home this summer. I have never said anything about the way he acts, and it drives me crazy that he doesn't even know how much he has hurt me. I just want to scream and scream and scream. My family deals with conflict by joking about it and my dads out burst are just an ongoing joke instead of being taken seriously, it just makes me so mad that he still doesn't realize he did anything wrong and if you asked him right now he could still justify hitting me or my mom or whoever its all about control. I wish I had the guts to confront my parents - my dad for being abusive, and my mom for never admitting it. Another answer Confronting the parent may be useless. I've done this to my own, they ignored it, and continued the abuse. It was completely useless. I've made my parent aware that what they're doing isn't right and that they are emotionally abusing me, but they could care less. They continue to call me fat (when I'm actually thin), stupid (I'm one of the smartest people my age), worthless, incompetent, and nothing I ever do is good enough for them. Not only that but I remain the scapegoat of my family for I can't leave yet (no money, no place to stay, no transportation, and I can't leave my sister to be what I am in the family, for I'm the only one strong enough to take it). I'm not allowed to do anything outside of school, and I'm never good enough for them. If anything, talking to my parent made it worse, not better. Answer Be Brave my friend, Blessed be.You don't. Just glow online and talk it out to people who don't care. Hey, it works for me. Another answer I had to add something to these answers. I'm 59 years old and was abused from the time I was 2 until I left home at 19, and then whenever I saw my family, until I finally stopped seeing them at age 25. Another answer Someone wrote above that their parents don't even know they are doing it or that there is another way to behave. I was the scapegoat and blamed for everything. My mother told me almost every day that she wished I was never born. She told everyone I had a tape worm because she hardly fed me. I tried to commit suicide by the time I was 6 or 7. Today, finally, I realize that it was not about me, but it took years and years and years. The fact that I can query this topic and add to the discussion is proof to me that I have finally exorcised their poisonous pedagogy and expelled the horrible seed they planted in me that it was my fault. My issue now is, after having stayed away for many years in order to literally save my life, and not really being able to get far enough away from it, I forgave my mother. I had to deal with her and my sister. My father is dead (thankfully). I don't understand, but I am grateful she showed me how I never want to be and I realized her total ignorance and stupidity. Now I'm faced with her aging and wondering what is the humane and ethical thing to do, under the circumstances. What are my responsibilities to her and to myself, so that health and true healing occur, not false resolution that would only make me sicker and do society no favor by allowing a lie to continue. Another answer I confronted her on and off over the years before I finally left. When I forgave her, she apologized and treats me as well as she can, but she still is who she is. Our ongoing relationship has afforded me the possibility to confront and protect myself from an abusive and simpleminded person on a case by case basis, one day at a time. She was the template, the original perpetrator's biggest fear. Another answer Holding my own with her and not abusing her back has given me a measure of confidence and success. However, now she is weak and needs help. I find myself not wanting to see her at all. For any reason. I don't want to give her any more of my precious time and energy. I wonder what the best thing is to do. I suppose I'll just have to live through this question.
Answer . Mental abuse is when someone is calling you names, putting you down, you can never do anything right, they constantly argue with you or they don't give you a chanc…e to form an opinion. Withholding sex is also mental abuse if the person is using it to get their own way. Demeaning the person constantly in front of family and friends. Interfering with your work by phoning and arguing or demanding you come home or be home at a certain time. Keeping tabs on you 24/7 or not allowing the person to see friends or go out and have a good time or not allowing the person to have some head space of their own. Basically, disrespect!. Physical abuse is kicking, scratching, punching, throwing things at the person, throwing the person against the wall or on the floor, hitting the person with an object, throwing objects at the person. Causing bruising, black eyes, missing teeth or broken bones.. Men are abused much more than a lot of society realizes. Most men were brought up not to hit women and most don't so some men take the abuse. There are programs out there for abused men. Just phone mental health. A man should never feel embarrassed, weak in any way for trying to get this help. If you are looking for the definition it is when you are invovled romanticly with an abusive man/woman. You should not have a relationship with these people. If they "love" you they would not do these harmful things to you.
If you had come out of an abusive relationship and later find that he cheated would you confront him?
only is you got a STD out of this cheating on his part. other than that i would stay farrrrrrrrrrr away and what im talking about is maybe only something you will be stuck wit…h forever like herpes hiv or something bad like that.Because the fact you made it OUT of the relationship is a miracle you really dont want to do any provoking without good cause, especially if he is single at the moment, because just the sight of you may be enough to cause trouble. And in the way of confrontation would only be in a clinic with a Dr. about what he gave you other than that F**K HIM
Well, refer to the name, a relationship, that involves abuse. It can be towards the male or female, if you are in an abusive relationship, leave the person and/or call the pol…ice or abuse hotline..idk it though
Here's what you do, you gently confront them in a sitting down position, but make sure they are also sitting down(in less they will feel you are abusing them your self)and con…front them in an almost hurt voice, this will let them know you do not want to hurt them or seem hurtful, and make sure a box of tissues is near(this will let them think it will be a sad sorry)and they will feel trustworthy of you,and lastly stay a short distance from them, this will let them feel calm and understanding. . Hope it works,and please you know from a acceptable person. . MEMBERS: . Please feel free to ask me anything and to add anything thanks.
An abusive relationship has a broad meaning, it could be physical, mental, or emotional. And it can be all three. Physical abuse is when someone hits you and it is visable to …the eyes. Mental and emotional abuse is harder to detect and sometimes you don't even realize it until it has zapped you of you energy and your self-esteem. I have lived in an emotional and mental abusive relationship for 21 years so I know the signs. Trying to get out of such a relationship is harder because the abuser tries to make you think you are the crazy one. I have tried on a number of occasions to leave the relationship only to get sucked in by his promises of change. I hope you are not in an abusive relationship and if you are you run and never look back.
This is more common than people realize. If it's physical abuse of any sort or verbal abuse such as calling you names constantly or threatening you then you can go to any poli…ce station and report it; a school counselor; Priest, Minister, or, if a minor go to Child Aid in the U.S., or if Canada it would be Children's Welfare. Physical Abuse: Beatings with an object; hitting, slapping, kicking, biting or punching. Sexual abuse which is not always penetration of the victim, but terrifying the victim into caressing certain parts of the person's body; using objects in the vagina or anus of the victim. Verbal Abuse: Constantly demeaning the victim by calling them abusive names; swearing; using words to terrify the victim such as 'If you don't do as I say you'll be tied up in the closet and I'll decide when you get out. When it is not abuse: If a minor is told to follow the rules of the home they live in; if they hang around with the wrong friends and get into trouble; if they abuse drugs of any sort; refuse to do chores, homework or listen to what their parent has to say.
The first step towards leaving an abusive relationship, in mypersonal point of view, is to believe or at least try your verybest to believe that you deserve way better than th…is. I know howwe tend to make excuses for our loved ones behaviours but seriouslyspeaking, do you think he/she will hurt you either physically oremotionally, put you down, make you cry, threaten you or make youfeel guilty all the time if he/she actually loves you like he/she'stelling you?! NO! So you have to wake up and fight back! You haveto fight back for your esteem, happiness, well-being and mostimportantly to get your life back! Maybe he/she has someissues...maybe they come from a broken family..or whatever but isit really fair to take all their anger and fear out on you? NO!Even if they take it out on a pet like a dog, they could get suedand be seriously in trouble. So why a nice, caring, loving humanbeing like you! Here are some tips I followed when I was fighting my way out of anabusive relationship: 1.) Believe with all your heart that YOU DESERVE BETTER. 2.) Realize the fact that they might love you in some way but theydon't love you enough to care about your feelings. 3.) Tell your family and friends about what you're going throughand ask for help (from my experience, I was being isolated fromeveryone at first so it was harder to fight back by myself but oncethere were people who knew what he was doing to me and stood by me,he backed off). 4.) Read books such as Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People WhoDrain You Dry by Albert Bernstein, Stop Walking on Eggshells:Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has BorderlinePersonality Disorder by M.S. Paul T. Mason , Emotional Blackmail:When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt toManipulate You by Susan Forward and The Verbally AbusiveRelationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by PatriciaEvans. Just to name a few. 5.) DO NOT GO SOFT when they apologize or beg or "promise" tochange (my ex knelt before me and cried and begged with hisforehead touching my foot so I gave in but the abusive behaviorsdid not change a tiny bit). 6.) Personally, listening to empowering, inspirational orencouraging songs helped so I'm just going to give you a few songs:Beautiful by Christina Aguilera, Through The Rain by Mariah Carey,I Will Survive by Enrique Iglesias, Irreplaceable by Beyonce, Heartby Britney Spears, Show n' Tell by Cherish, Fool 4 You by Cherish,Over You by Daughtry, Make Yourself by Incubus, Remember That byJessica Simpson, Better In Time by Leona Lewis, Thank you byJamelia, Fighter by Christina Aguilera, Survivor by Destiny'sChild, Points of Authority by Linkin Park, I Don't Need A Man byPussycat Dolls. 7.) Believe in the fact that you will one day get back on yourtrack, BE HAPPY, be surrounded with people who love you andappreciate you and that all of this will just be a distant memory. 8.) You should also get professional help (or read the self-helpbooks I mentioned at the very least) to undo the damages done onyou (the verbal abuse, the guilt trips, being called names, beingput down, getting hit, etc). 9.) Always remember that most of the people aren't worth your tearsand the ones who do, they will never make you cry! ----- I agree with the above contributors' answer; but I think there's afirst step easier than believing in your heart you deserve better.I mean, if victims believed that (or could believe it easily), thenthere would be no victims. During my marriage, I did not evenQUESTION whether I deserved better because I did not understandthat I was being abused. Then after I realized he abused me, I believed I did NOT "deserve"better. Maybe I wanted better, but I'd married him and a promise isa promise (I told myself). On top of that, I felt trappedfinancially AND I believed he would change when he saw how much hiswords/actions hurt. I set out to "change the dynamic in ourrelationship" - which did not work (See #5 above: Don't go soft). Staying with an abuser is an emotional choice. Leaving an abusercannot be an emotional choice because your emotions are confusedwhen it comes to your abuser. Numbers 4, 6, and 8 above are the wayto get your heart out of the way so you can detach from your abuserbefore you leave. Detaching is a process of the mind: you can learnto analyze what the abuser says instead of absorbing it or fightingit. For example, when s/he says something that makes you feel small,you can recognize the feeling and say to yourself "Oh! S/He istrying to make me feel less than I am! It is time to stop listeningto this nonsense and find something better to do." Detaching also makes it easier to set personal boundaries. Althoughpersonal boundaries are born of emotion, it takes your brain toenforce them. You can set boundaries way before you're ready toleave (unless your abuser physically assaults you - then you gottago now!). Along with detaching and setting personal boundaries, it is a verygood idea to develop a safety plan. There are plenty online, butI'm partial to the one I created for Verbal Abuse Journals. Awell-developed safety plan makes deciding what to do easier becauseyou already wrote down what you would do if.... All three of thoseactions are "thinking" instead of "feeling" activities. When youare able to observe your abuser and think more than you feel whens/he acts out, then it is MUCH easier to do Step 1: Believe withall your heart that you deserve better. And you DO deserve much better.
I mean no offense, but it surprises me that you need advice from others on this. If your daughter is living with you at home it is simply a matter of presenting him [the boyfr…iend] with the facts as you know them. Even if your daughter is an adult and living outside of your home, you are dealing with family relationships. Do it with your daughter's knowledge and permission if possible, but do it without if necessary. Abusers rarely change, and the abused party often becomes protective of the abuser. The cycle isn't going to be broken unless some tough love is applied. If your daughter's other parent is in the picture, do it as a team.
Abusive relationships make women feel insecure, alone, afraid, and devalued. They can also make a woman feel hopeless, helpless and sad. Other feelings can be angry, outrage…d and suicidal. Abused woman should seek help for the abuse they have suffered.
Abuse comes in many ways; it can be both emotional and psychological. As a victim dealing with abuse, the best way is to set boundaries and realize you alone cannot change the… abuser. The best way to handle it is to set boundaries, understand that it is your reactions that you can really change, and get professional help if problem escalates. Confronting an abuser as an outsider may or may not be the best idea; they may take as an attack and direct their anger at you. If it is indeed physical abuse, call authorities! There are laws against physical abuse, but not emotional abuse.
tell some one else you know but they don't know about them and tell them you need help then have him sit at another table across from you and pretend he's a customer and then …if the guy shows abusiveness and try to make him calm down if that don't work call the police or carry a gun be like calm down your very abusive show proof and pray every night that they change amen......../........