At the end of a relationship with a narcissist do the victims often struggle with guilt and fear that it was THEY who were the narcissists and not the other way around?

Answer 1

*Yes, this can happen. We often have heard the words, "It takes two." This doesn't mean that one spouse is a narcissist, but, they allowed the narcissist to get away with their behavior and therefore were enablers. Even when you get a separation from your spouse or a divorce often one partner will blame themselves when they didn't cause the circumstances for the separation or divorce. When I was married the first time my husband cheated, lied and became mentally/physically abusive. I took it for almost 3 years and finally had the brains to leave him. I know how hard that choice can be no matter what the circumstances. For a couple of years later I was blaming myself and telling myself if I'd been a good wife then he wouldn't have cheated on me. It wasn't until a very wise friend of mine straightened me out on that one. Although I'm not perfect I have never cheated on a boyfriend or my first husband and certainly not my second husband. We sometimes just feel within ourselves we could have done more. It's no different than someone you love being ill and dying, or they are in a terrible accident. Family members and even friends will say, "If only I hadn't" or "If I had just talked to them." Fate happens as do accidents, but, when we can see someone purposely hurting us that's the time to make a decision to get out and keep moving and try to shake the guilty feelings that we simply didn't do enough to make it work. It is even more so if you were raised in a dysfunctional environment such as a mentally ill mother, Alcoholism or even a parent was a narcisssit. You have been "trained" already to accept the blame for things others did wrong and that your feelings and self are not relevant. You tend to view others needs as more important than your own. == All so true... This is HUGE, "When we can see someone purposely hurting us that's the time to make a decision to get out and keep moving and try to shake the guilty feelings that we simply didn't do enough to make it work.". This really simplifies things. When I realized my N fiance' was doing this, it was as though I were being hit over the head with a bat. It had never occurred to me he was doing things 'intentionally' to hurt me because I (and those I know and love) am so incapable of doing that myself. He actually admitted this in counseling 'with a smile on his face'. Wham! That was huge. Someone like that has serious 'character' flaws that cannot be changed by love. They say character is solidly defined by age 5. If we were mistreated as children/teens, we will blame ourselves into thinking it was our fault. We simply carry this over into our adult relationships and continue to repeat the cycle of abuse. Only this time, we have a choice - we can leave. Take care, AlwaysLearning