Could it be a female narcist is not abusive merely craving for attention all the time not taking criticism and not at all giving anything back?

Answer 1

Some more on the above question. I'll do it in shorthand - very long story.

25 years ago: met this girl, very beautiful, very mysterious, withdrawn, not many friends, became 'mates' for 1,5 years, fell in love, both in (other) relationships, she couldn't end hers, I met someone else, she regretted it straight away, 'waited' on me for 17 years, got married anyway, got a job nearby (she lives an hours drive away) to be able to run into me sometime, contacted me (after 6 years of marriage) before she got pregnant (she wanted her children with me), found out i was still with the someone else, had 2 children, found me eventually after 17 years, we both fell madly in love, drifted into an affair (her initiative, i before everything didn't want to lose track of her again), it felt 'wrong' towards her husband but also 'right' cause we'd been meant for each other anyway, and she told me her husband treated her badly, the affair continued for 4 years (!) cause she couldn't end her marriage (it was horrible in the end; she spent literally all of her time on writing and reading e-mails (up to 40 a day), rented a house, didn't move out, rented another etc. In the end she did get away (the only way she could do it was not to be 'responsible'; her husband had to end the marriage for her (and take the 'blame' for it), went to live on her own, by that time had completely sucked all my ideals, optimism, energy (she only received, and boy: was i a hell of a 'giver'). Then I needed some time to sort out things with my ex (in these 4 years my ex and I had both lived as singles, so we were very much 'entangled' again as far as the kids were concerned. Towards the end of this first year of her living alone (co-parentalship with her kids) I stumbled into a depression (my ex was torturing me in court and I was still being asked to be 'optimistic' and 'happy' by my lover - not for my sake but because she needed my 'supply', I asked her to leave me be for a while cause she couldn't handle it and I didn't want to confront her with my 'abnormal' self, and then all of a sudden she told me she didn't love me anymore, right before a trip to Australia for two weeks, and from then on: no more contact. Not a sign, I couldn't call her, she wouldn't answer my e-mails, she wouldn't even let me collect my things at her house, she just 'stalled' everything, as if she'd put me on a waiting list. I found out she'd fallen in love with someone else, moved in with the guy (and his 15 year old son) within 2 weeks, got financial support from him and cut me off completely - no proper talk, no proper 'ending' of our relationship, nothing at all. BUT: she did drop me a 'are you still there' kind of note every month or so, only to keep on telling me how awful I'd treated her, and it was all my fault - that I'd pushed her away.

Anyway, my point is: I recognise a lot of narcism-feats in her (no feelings, no 'heart', no empathy, not interested at all in anybody but herself, always focussed on herself and her problems, lack of moral principles (I can't stand people lying to me but I lie all the time; I cheated on my husband for 4 years but I can't stand finding out he was already seeing someone before I officially moved out) etc. etc., and she has had a past with a narcistic, egocentric father (she can't handle situations in which 'emotions' are involved - not: feelings, cause she doesn't have any; in 'emotional situations she just 'cracks', switches off, completely) BUT! she is not 'abusive' in a strict sense. It's not about being unique or brilliant herself, it's just... mere attension-seeking, all the time, she can't possible resist getting even the slightest of attention from anyone, even if at the expense of her 'ideal lover'. She answered to all my 'calls' on her (I used to drive for an hour to just see her for 5 minutes, and she ALWAYS complied. So basically it's all about... being an emotional vampire. She literally needs the energy, optimism, attention to 'live'. She has no real life of her own, she needs someone else to 'make' her life. She also can't stand criticism, BUT: no 'active' abuse, just... sucking the life out of her 'partner'. And as soon as she notices there's nothing left for her (she even realises it was only temporarily; that i would be back on my feet eventually) but the short period (2, 3 months) in which I wasn't fully 'available' to her - not supplying her with enough attention - was enough for her to get hooked on this guy, whom by one conversation, one bunch of flowers and one dinner got her into his bed forever, 'dumping' me without looking back - or rather: not even properly 'dumping' me; she never even 'ended' our relationship (the once 'ideal', everlasting, please, please: whatever happens, don't ever erase me from your life), she just let me hang out to dry, pushed me out of her way for as long as she needed to test her new boyfriend, and shows no - not even the slightest - 'I miss you in some ways'. It's like I (we) never existed; as if her memory has gone blank. And when I reminded her of all the good things between us (the 200 photo's I sent her) she only replied it was too painful for her to look at them, communicating to me something like 'I KNOW it will never be the same with anyone as it had been with you, but I CAN'T switch it back on, I got HOOKED on this other guy and I simply CAN'T get away from him now; as if she is trapped in her own helplessness not to respond to this fresh supply of attention.

Well (I announced it to be a very long story) basically what I'm trying to find out is in what 'category' this women falls? I've thought of hps (but she isn't at all 'flamboyant', nor a 'seducer'), I've thought of narcism (but she isn't constantly saying she's brilliant, and I nor anybody else is a 'nobody', I've thought of borderline (but she isn't aggressive, on the contrary: she can be appallingly passive), in all she's just got no feelings, she doesn't know what feelings are, she seems to live her life according to what she reads in books or sees on television (in a relationship you're supposed to behave so and so, I 'think'), she constantly says 'I long for so much to finally be happy, and you are the one to make me happy - let me find that happiness, and also that humour, entertainment in I deserve in my life. She's basically very 'conservative' - no job changes, no big future plans, nothing at all, really, just: I long to 'live', and I can only 'find' that in someone who takes care of me, attends to me, expects nothing from me, I go out as much as possible (concerts, plays, movies) and that's it.

So, in the end: what kind of woman is this? Does she have a personality disorder? Is it merely a trauma? A combination of both? And why is it so difficult for me not wanting to 'save' her soul, and to be the one that CAN make her happy, if only she would let me AND give me like 10% back, as fuel for myself. And finally: will she be back some day when she's 'done' with her new boyfriend (she's 45 by the way)? After all I am (was) het ideal lover, who made her feel like a women for the first time in her life, made her see things she'd never ever forget and would eternally be grateful for?

Many thanks for reading such a long story,

Hans