How can you convince a family member that it is her husband's attitudes that make him an abuser and not necessarily the frequency of his rages?

Answer 1

You're a great person to have around and obviously a very caring individual, but I've learned in all my years it's not a good idea for anyone to be an "arm chair psychiatrist" meaning, we are not certified psychiatrists! It is also not a wise idea to make an assumption unless we know the full circumstances and know when a person is being abusive and when there is just a problem, such as a health issue, some problems in the marriage, etc. Short of seeing someone badly verbally abused or physically abused on a constance basis, we just don't know what is going on between the two people involved. Most people keep their private lives to themselves and for good reason. Some men/women just can have vicious tempers or get angry quickly and they have not had the insight to do something about this pent up anger. There are anger management courses one can take (I've taken them.) I was never abusive to others, but, if cornered I fought like a guy and never a woman. I needed to curb this behavior and I knew it. Women more often will seek counseling, but men seldom do. Women of mental/physical abuse are so use to the verbal abuse that they can sometimes see it as a normal part of married life, while other women don't want to stir up dust and fear the unknown, such as having to fend for themselves out in society (scary thought for some women and especially for those with children.) This fellow sounds like he's been getting away with his tantrums for a long while and now it's out of control. Many of us, at times, will turn a blind eye to things we don't like seeing another person do because we basically know they won't listen to us anyway or we'll be accused of butting in where our nose doesn't belong. One always has to weigh the risks with butting into someone else's marriage. It is up to the victim of the verbal abuser to find their time when they may or may not choose to face their abuser or simply move on. No one can make them do otherwise. Women in particular are full of fear and the verbal abuser has them believing that no matter who they end up with it will be the same thing all over again because it's the victim who is starting the trouble. Of course this is not true. This relative is in denial and they aren't doing it to you to make you crazy, but, they have had to put a wall up to protect themselves and survive. Don't forget, there are women (and even some men) who enjoy the title of "Martyr." They want others to "see what I have to put up with" and feel badly for them and it can be an attention-getting mechanism without the victim actually realizing it. My husband and I have friends and her husband is always putting her down (never did it to other women). Not much I can do when I'm at their house, but, when on my turf I say what I choose. I simply told both of them if they couldn't put their differences aside then not to come back. We couldn't play cards, even talk without him going at her, and she would sit there saying nothing nor defending herself. Of course I felt badly for her, but in time I sure realized this woman was enjoying the entitlement of "Martyr" so I confronted her with this. After all these years of thinking her husband was jerk and verbal abuser she admitted she actually enjoyed the game-playing between them and she always silently got even with him. MENTAL ABUSE is when someone is CONSTANTLY putting their spouse down in the privacy of their home by telling them they are a lousy mother, housekeeper, useless, fat, stupid, etc. They may even embarrass their victim in front of other family members or friends. The spouse will usually sit there with head down, or a distant look in their eyes and that means they are tuning their abusers behavior out. PHYSICAL ABUSE is when the abuser hits, slaps, kicks, bites, scratches, pushes, shoves or hits with an object again their victim. When there are black eyes and broken bones to split lips. The verbal abuser will continue to abuse without apology. Many physical abuser will beat the woman and then the very next day apologize for the way they have acted and promise to never do it again. They will! Labeling a person for abuse is difficult at best. Depending on the age of the couple involved the start of 50 + a person could suffer from Alzheimer's, Dementia (a lower form of Alzheimer's) and they can indeed have fits of rages and loss of memory and then be fine for days or even weeks. Having heart problems, Diabetes (if one isn't looking after themselves well, which most men don't) will cause depression, anger outbursts, etc. There are many diseases and medications that can cause this behavior. So, try and talk to your friend and instead of accusing her mate of being a verbal abuser come in the back door and gain her confidence so she may confide in you and you can get better insight to what is really going on. You may be quite surprised. Men also go through Andropause (like women's menopause, but not as severe) and they can become moody, cranky, angry at everything, have problems sleeping, have hot flashes, low libido, etc. They use to call this "Mid-life crisis" at one time. I suggest you remain in the background for support and come in that back door and gain this person's trust so they will confide in you. As the old saying goes, "You can get more bees with honey than vinegar." Good luck Marcy