How do I make my marriage stronger after my wife has told me that she cheated on me for 3 years?

Answer 1

A breach of trust like that will probably require some serious work with a counselor to resolve all the issues. Otherwise, the marriage is very unlikely to heal. It is probably going to be an uphill battle anyway, unless you are a doormat who is willing to put up with just about anything. You have no idea how much it pains me to hear about cheating. It's as if you're stabbing me. The thought of a husband being cheated is hard for me to deal with, but the thought of not solving the problem is harder, so here are some initial steps: 1) Determine which of the three categories of "guys who get cheated on" you fall into: the Bore, the Chump, or the Jerk.

2) Realize that wives often give their husbands the keys to the kingdom; the men just need to take them. I've come across many marriages in which the wife is alert enough to know exactly what the problem is and how to articulate it. She tells her husband the problem, but he doesn't get it-for two main reasons: 1) she presents in a way that he's not interesting in hearing (complaining, whining, criticizing, etc.), and 2) he hasn't learned feminese. So do you know exactly what your wife wasn't getting from you that she felt compelled to seek it in another man? What have been her complaints about you? 3) Be magnetic. This is a detailed one, and I'm in the process of writing a whole report on it. But the idea is that if you're magnetically attractive as a man, your wife will always be drawn to you. She can only wander from you when your emotional pull isn't strong enough. Think of a magnet and a nail. Visualize the magnetic tension the magnet creates with the nail when the nail is maintained exactly the right distance from it. The nail actually trembles with longing for the magnet. 3 things have to be present for that tension to happen: 1) force, 2) distance, 3) closeness. If the magnet has no intrinsic force, it can't create that magnetic attraction and tension in the nail. If the magnet pulls the nail all the way in and allows no space, then there can be no tension (take note of this one, cuz it's counter-intuitive; it's where most guys fail, and it's the one ladies' men really understand). If the magnet is too far from the nail, then it can't have that impact either. So the secret is too have a balance between distance and closeness while maintaining the force, the magnetic pull. Those three elements are present in any sort of attraction, even in food that you can't resist. They just take different forms. When it comes to women, I've found that those three elements can be called: 1) appeal, 2) dominance, 3) intimacy. You have to constantly maintain appeal, dominance, and intimacy. Most relationship books only teach you about intimacy, but it's appeal and dominance that give you value in a woman's heart. Why would she care about intimacy with you if you have no value to her? Most guys try to convince a woman to be intimate to be intimate by demonstrating to her how much value *she* has *to him*. But the question is how much value does *he* have *to her*? Many guys (not all) who are cheated on fall into the category of the Chump. The Chump is a man who lacks Dominance. The Bore is one who lacks Appeal. And the Jerk is the one who lacks Intimacy. If you are a Chump, start becoming a more solid man. Get more Direction in your life. Establish more Control over your circumstances. For a start, I recommend you read David Deida's book "The Way of the Superior Man" and Stephen Nash's ebook "How to Get a Girlfriend" (don't be deceived by the title; it's actually useful to husbands, too). Also consider checking out Anthony Robbins's advice on relationships (and even on personal power). He's also one of the guys who "gets it."