How do you feel attractive and desirable again after rejection from your wife because of your affair?

Answer 1

It's hard for both parties to ever feel normal again after an affair has occured. The cheater probably feels like they were getting affection and attention from the third party they cheated on their spouse with. And the "cheated" feel contempt and anger towards the spouse or partner who betrayed them, but also dealing with feelings of anxiety, pain, shame, and a whole mess of self esteem issues to boot. If your wife is rejecting you, it's probably because to her, the wound is still very fresh and new. The recovery process is such a long process, that for those who don't want to put the work in, should probably get out of the relationship. But, if you are willing, here is some ways to help with the healing process if you are the cheater:

1. Do not pressure your partner to be intimate with you. Being intimate takes trust, and if you don't have that anymore, intimacy is not going to be there.

2. You may find yourselves arguing constantly about the affair. STOP THAT! I know it's hard, but keeping affair talk limited to a therapy office is key in healing the relationship. If a therapy office is not available, agree with your partner to make time for you two to talk about it. I recommend one hour a day (if necessary) then leave it alone.

3. If you are the person who cheated, you are probably wanting to immediately put it behind you. But let me tell you, many tiny little things can trigger your partner into reliving or thinking about the affair; it's essential for you as the person who wants to heal your relationship, to listen to your partner about their feelings regarding triggers. Let them vent (cussing and being volitile toward you is NOT venting) if something triggers their mood to change.

4. Some say disclosure about EVERYTHING is bad, but it depends on the person. If your partner can handle it, give them the respect by telling them about it. You can judge how a person is handling the situation by using the one hour a day rule. If they use that information against you later in the day, then they clearly can't handle it, and it's best to speak with them about changing disclosure rules. Setting boundaries is good (i.e "I will agree to disclose how the affair happened and my feelings about why I think it happened, but I will not disclose the sexual events").

5. Above all, be patient. Getting over an affair is the toughest situation. Some can heal from an affair, but some can't. There should not be a timeline for healing. Everyone heals differently; however, if it has been longer than a year and it feels as if the relationship has not made progress, it is best to seek professional help for the relationship.

Feeling attractive for yourself is going to take sometime. It's all in how you help your partner heal and repair. Doing small things for her and making her feel special will eventually help aid in making you feel special. It's hard to look at it this way, but an affair is a very selfish act. If you are truly wanting to heal your marriage from an affair, your needs need to be put aside for your partner's. No one makes another person cheat, it's an act that is done out of selfishness. If you are unhappy with your spouse, get out of the relationship, and gain some independence for yourself before moving on with someone else.