How do you get a shadetree mechanic license?

Remember it is not necessary to make actual repairs, only that the vehicle runs long enough to get you to the store for more beer.

1. your toolbox must have only pliers, a hammer ( big one ), a screwdriver ( doesn't matter which one), a crescent wrench, 1 roll of duct tape, some rope ( or zip ties ), leaving room for the 12 pack of beer.

2. throw the wrench away in favor of a bag of chips since you will only be using the pliers and hammer.

3. No manuals or formal training is needed as you will not really be repairing anything.

Which is good since you will be too drunk to drive in an hour.

4. The phone number of an actual mechanic so you can bug him several times for free information. ( and to schedule the actual repair work to be done after you bungle it ), tow truck number optional as you will probably use the rope from the tool box to tow it to him ( the rope must be thin enough and old enough to break at least once per mile ). Don't forget the number to at least one friend ( or a well trained dog ) to steer the car while it is towed.

5. once you have used up one roll of tape and 50 zip ties ( 5 feet of rope ) and the cost of repair for the original problem is now doubled, send in the empty roll, bag from the zip ties ( or the cut off ends ), and one crushed beer can, along with your car to the nearest junk yard and your certificate will be mailed to you. oh you dont need all that. you just paint you a sign, and hang it on the tree next to ya beer cooler , sit back and wait for ya buddies to arrive.thats a shade tree mechanic