Is it possible that an abusive man would play a mind game and do anything to win you back then once he has you he acts like he is not sure if he wants to see you as he doesn't want to hurt you?

Answer 1

Abusers are about control and you bet he's playing mind games with you. Abusers like to keep their victims under control at all times, so you obviously bent him out of shape by leaving (great going girl and I'm so proud of you as it couldn't have been easy!) Of course he wants to hurt you and he's so caught up in control that if you went back to him the abuse would just start all over again. Abusers need psychological help and most never make an effort to get it because they don't see themselves as being mentally ill, and it's everyone else that has a problem. Haven't you noticed he blames you for just about everything and takes no blame himself? Keep going hon, and don't look back. I was mentally/physically abused by my first husband and after 3 1/2 years of marriage I left. I never looked back. I got myself an apartment, got a new job and got to know my own strengths and what I was all about; something I'd never had the chance to do before. I was saddened at first and cried myself to sleep for awhile, but after the hurt came healing and I realized I was one strong person, and I fed off it. I knew I didn't need to count on anyone but God and myself and I'm still like that to this day. I never regretted leaving my ex and I met and married a wonderful man and we'll be married 34 years this August. You deserve better! DON'T GO BACK! Good luck hon Marcy I am so ashamed of myself. Can you help me make sense of this? Im not sure what his motives were, if any or is it me reading too much into this when maybe hes not trying to manipulate me. Even though he admitted he was vrey manipualtive and resorted to all tactics to win me back.I am still wondering whats wrong with me. Heres the story: Lastnight he came over and we were making out. We were going to have sex yet he couldnt get erction. I tried three times. He said its cause hes not comfortable cause he thinks he may hurt me again. He tehn said hes so depressed about life. I told him that all we could have is a one night stand and then part ways. He said and i dont know why that he needed time to think if he wants to still see me. i told him if he cannot tell me there will be no more abuse right now then i will never wait for a man to decide, better just have our night together and end it now. he said he still wants to see me, then he wants to think it over, then i said no its done then he started saying again he is not sure. Marcy, I am so mad at myself. i was so strong but then let him back in like a fool. now today i am just tryin to get myself together and get that strenght back within. i really feel like an ass that he couldnt get erction and that he played mind games again. I told him i couldn never return with him cause i never felt so unfeminine, and non human than i did than i was with him. i told him i never felt so less than and that im finally starting not to care what anyone thinks. Then like a fool i let him in. I want to learn from this and move on. I hate myself that i sought his approval sexually, physically and emotionally. Now i feel even more weak. Hi Hon Thank you for letting me into your personal life. Now that you have explained more and mentioned depression, it puts a new light on your relationship with your boyfriend. First off, quit blaming yourself! There is nothing wrong with you at all. You're a loving, caring young woman and that's what the human race should be all about. However, there are some people that simply aren't and I call them "the walking wounded" because there are reasons why these people who are abusive, angry, depressed, etc., are the way they are. The point is, do we want to hang around to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves? RULE OF THUMB I GO BY: I am married to a wonderful guy (after a former marriage which was filled with mental/physical abuse and lasted 3 1/2 years ... I left!) If my husband now became abusive and refused to get psychological counseling I would not stay with him. However, if his moods changed (he didn't physically hurt me) and became depressed I would talk to him and tell him I'd back him 100% if he'd go to our family doctor to see what is going on with him and perhaps take medication for his depression. If he refused to help himself, I would leave then as well. My old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but can't make them drink" is so true and it means, we can waste our lives and all our energy on someone that won't admit to having a problem and boldly refuses help. Men are the worst for this in these types of issues because they feel if they admit they are depressed, have issues from the past they are not a man and would be looked upon as weak. Not true! It's a smart person that recognizes a problem and deals with it. I think your boyfriend is truly depressed and needs help. There are some good medications out there and along with psychological help (doesn't mean you are crazy at all) he could be feeling much better. Sometimes there are absolutely no reasons for being depressed and it's brain chemistry that we don't have control over. Depression can be genetic as well. When one is suffering the agony of depression they can often appear abusive (mentally or physically) or distance themselves from their mate. The man can have problems with erections and that only makes matters worse. A man can't manipulate his penis into "not getting it up." Many men have a problem with erection and perhaps that's the problem for his depression. Whatever it is, he does need help by a professional if he wants to lead a healthy lifestyle and have a fairly successful relationship with anyone. Whether depressed or not, it's no excuse for a man to ever hit a woman! That's just unexceptable. I am sure many men out there would love to give some woman in their life (their wife, girlfriend or coworker) a good whack, but normal men don't and they always have the freedom of leaving the situation if it gets to be too much for them. One night stands are out of the question! Sex should be the least on both your minds, and the energy should be spent on sitting down and discussing his problems. He probably is afraid of hurting you, and can't promise you anything in the future and therefore has told you he doesn't know if he wants to get back with you. On the other hand, you probably love him to some point, but definetley don't trust him. You are like two bull dogs fighting in a sack and not getting anywhere. Again hon, you shouldn't feel like a fool or feel ashamed of yourself. At one point you both must have gotten along and I think you let your mind race back to those times, but now things have become abusive. Where there is a light, there could be a fire and that simply means, he may be depressed, you want to help him, are afraid of him and don't know what to do about it, but if he does go for help he could be his old self again. This is what you do: One last time (have a friend nearby, but not in the same room with you .. for YOUR protection) and tell him that if he is willing to see a doctor (and you will go with him) to be treated for his depression, then you will stand by him providing he does see the doctor on a regular basis and takes his medication and both of you can work it out. SSRIs for depression usually take 6 - 8 weeks (depending on the individual) to work and many can cause low libido. OR Only you know how badly abused you were and I think it's time for you just to cut all ties with this young man. It is going to be hard for you, but it sounds like he's sucking all your energy. Remember, no matter if he's depressed or not, it doesn't give him a reason to abuse you mentally or physically. Sometimes when people aren't well we have to cut them a little slack (only when it's on occasion) because they are hurting, but it's not suppose to be forever. Physical abuse does not come under that heading! I went to a psychologist when my mother was ill with dementia (I call it a tune-up) and something he said stuck in my mind and I quote, "IF YOU ARE AROUND SOMEONE THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD ALL THE TIME IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE ON." You mentioned in your post that your boyfriend has made you feel so bad that you simply have given up and don't care anymore. You know yourself better than anyone else. Whatever your gut feeling is do it! If you decide to help him out, then stop dating him. Don't go out together, but talk on the phone. Don't meet just for sex. If he needs to see you then see him in a public place such as a coffee shop, pub, etc. It's OK to go to the doctors with him and be part of his healing. If you choose not to do this then you are not a failure. If you decide to move out then really mean it. It will be hard, but only you know if your boyfriend is truly physically abusive. NEVER stay with anyone that makes you feel bad all the time. It really is important that you get a "tune-up" from a psychologist just like I did, so you will learn what abuse truly is (defined by the pro) and learn tools so you won't go back to your abuser or choose another partner in the future that is abusive. Remember hon, being loving, kind and loyal is not a disease, but the way people really should be acting. You should never sell yourself short and change yourself for anyone. There is a young man out there that is special for you and will love you for who you are. Give it a chance. I'm always around the board if you want to continue this conversation. Good luck hon Marcy Hi Marcy: Thanks so much. I have decided even though it will hurt, to let him go again. I cannot go through the merry-go-round again. Lastnight when he was here, I told him I want respect and him to call when he say he will (he plays games with the phone thing) and no more head games. He then said he would need a few days to even decide if he wants to be with me cause to him this would be sexual only relationship. I said, no then, lets end it now. But he would not allow that. Then he said how about friends. I said no. If we are to end it, we part ways. If you cannot give me an answer after being apart then we shouldnt be together. I then siad its late hinting for him to leave. Three times I said to him you are free to leave, i will not bother you, i will not be upset with you, lets end this then. He did not leave. Anyhow then today i call him and left a message saying lets be friends, then i thought no way so i call again leave another message saying there are no hard feelings but i want this to end before it begins again and i do not want us to hurt one another and that i wish him the best. He did not return both phone calls. He has done this repeatly before. Then he will ALWAYS come back and say the reason why is he didnt want to lead me on. I am now at the point where i was just starting to feel strong with him not in my life and now i want to be alone again. Im not sure if its games but to me it is. I am fed up. I told him lastnight to that i use to love him but that innocent part you have when you are in love with a person has tunred cold for him and that my heart is at the tail end of feelings for him. So why wouldnt he just call me back and wish me well and agree its done. Anyhow, life will go on. Im glad I got out sooner this time, overnight literally. There is no turning back. This has been a reassurance that i made the right decision to leave this nightmare of him. What do you think? Thanks. Marcy: I think after looking at this situation, that he might be doing drugs. All the signs are there. He wanted me lastnight but could not perform, he is moody, very depressed, unexplained absences where even if he was cheating he could call at some point but wont call at all, he quit his job, keeps sleeping late in day, broke, has lost weight and has a defeated empty look to him. I have to stop taking this all personally that somehow i am not good enough and dont measure up or else he would shower me with love. I dont think he can show love to anyone. There is nothing I can do now but move on. Hi Hon It's good to hear from you and you are one strong young woman! Fly for the sky girl! Now that you have explained more I do agree with you that he could be doing drugs (explanation for low libido) and also his erratic behavior. HE IS NOT IN CHARGE! YOU ARE!!!!!! He CAN NOT order you around! You allow him too. There is a part of you that quite can't let go. I think you feel more sorry for him than anything else and your personality is so loyal that you feel you need to finish up the loose ends to move on. Generally I would agree with you, but in this case, those loose ends are frayed and there is nothing you can do, but move on. Believe it or not it could turn ugly between the two of you and you don't want to risk life or limb over this guy. I don't know if you can afford to move from where you live? If you can please do as soon as possible and don't tell ANYONE but your parents (and give them instructions they are not to tell anyone else) or tell a close friend you can trust where you are living. Get a new phone #. I know this guy has turned your life upside down. Like many people on drugs (if he is) they only think of the next fix or pill popping party, and they become lethargic no matter how angry they may get. You can count on at least him being too lethargic to chase you all over town. I am not trying to scare you, but PLEASE, be careful! Drugs can make people do stupid irrational things and you will always have to be careful. STOP phoning him and leaving messages. STOP answering the phone when he calls. STOP trying let him explain what HE feels, and remember that it's how YOU feel that is important. STOP to rationalize why he is the way he is. Let him go!!!!! Please keep in contact on the board and let me know how you are doing as I will worry. Take it slow and easy and when he phones, plug your ears and DON'T PICK UP THAT PHONE! Good luck hon Marcy