Why do some abused women want to go back to the abuser and why does the abuser take the victum back?

Answer 1

The abused woman is not at all weak as many people consider them. She is usually warm, accommodating, giving and loving with an uncomplicated personality (what you see is what you get type of aura about them), but, like any of us, we can get caught up with the wrong person. The abuser is actually a coward and has either been in an abusive environment growing up, or is angry at the world and takes it out on the "weaker sex." They are afraid of life in general and angry and some people achieving more than they have. Abusers will seldom hit their victims in front of their male friends, but, will often show this angry side of themselves strangely enough when a female friend of his victim is around. It's as if he is saying, "See what you damned females are worth! Nada!" He will often (especially at a bar and after a few drinks) talk big and brassy to his male friends as to how to handle a woman, but never admit hitting them. Most men think these guys have had a few too many snorts and they are just bragging, but in reality, the abuser is confessing to his own crimes ... abusing women! The abuser often hates himself after he has hit his victim and can apologize and promise never to do it again. They do! They will use their children to control any given situation and often threaten to beat the children up if she doesn't do as he says or take the beating for them. If an abuser is caught by the police or by a male friend they are sheepish, like small children that have had their hands slapped and if they do go to prison many don't make it through the first year without a good beating from inmates. Abusers are low life! It is extremely hard to determine at first when the abuser is being abusive. There are suttle little hints re abuse to be sure, but with our busy lifestyles we often pass it off as moody or that person has just had a bad day and think nothing more of it until the mistreatment starts to occur more often ... and it will! Either the abuser is verbally abusive and will say things such as, "You're stupid", "You're ugly and no one would want you", "you couldn't cook properly if your life depended on it." These are just a few of the many comments an abuser will start off with. Some men will strike out and slap the woman and then beg for her forgiveness, and of course, for the first time most women will realize (in their great wisdom) that anyone can lose it if pressured in their lives from various pressures in society and they forgive the physical abuser. Many people who don't suffer abuse don't realize that often the mental or physical abuser will have "good times" and seem quite normal, so it throws the victim of the abuser off and she thinks all is well. These silences are followed by much more violent efforts to control the victim. Abuse is very sneaky and the abuser without even realizing it themselves is quite coy about it all and before the couple know it, the war is on, and there is a victim. Some of the best abusers are very bibically versed! Unfortunately, many women make one too many excuses for the men abusing them (or even women abusing men) and will have children. It is much more difficult and frightening for a woman to leave the abusive relationship to find a new life and go out and work (some women never having worked in their lives.) Now she has 2 or 3 children to consider as well. There is very little help for abused women because there are simply not enough Transition Houses to accommodate the amount of women being abused in our modern society. What does she do? She may try and go out on her own without help of a Transition House and find that the jobs she is getting won't pay for child care, pay rent or feed the children and herself. That's the real world! Before she knows it she will make every excuse in the book to go back to the abuser and will form the words to her friends, "I love him." In all honesty, love has nothing to do with it, but believe it or not the abused feels she is in survival mode and needs the financial support of the abuser. She's trapped! The abuser has done such a fine job of his/her controlling that they know many women wouldn't put up with this garbage, so they take their victim back because they know they can get away with what they've done. The victim is convinced that ALL WORDS the abuser has said is true and believe inwardly that they aren't worth the air they breath. More often than not abusive relationships can end up in death (only the physical abusers.) It's very frustrating for the police to come to a home with an abusive relationship because the woman seldom presses charges for fear of reprocussions once the abuser is out of jail (and she's right!) There are few laws protecting women and even "Cease & Desist" orders are broken by these egotistical maniacs. They will stalk their mate and basically make their lives miserable. If you or anyone you know has to wait on a waiting list to get into a Transition House, please seek out family members and see if they will at least let you stay with them until you can get on your feet. If not family, ask for help from a friend. There are also churches that are willing to help and Child Welfare. There is a higher percentage of abused women leaving their abusive spouses and actually making it out there.