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Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
Breakups
Dating
Teen Dating

Why does your abusive ex bf keep threatening you and telling you he loves you when other girls show interest in him and want to date him?

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January 17, 2008 4:54PM

An abuser needs to be in control of the person in his orbit. Many abusers, even when in new relationships, still attempt to harass and dominate their exes. This is especially true if you were the one to initiate the breakup.

By being able to go on with your life after the breakup, you are indirectly showing him that he's not in control of you anymore, he doesn't have the power over you to make decisions in your life. This makes him feel insecure and he has to prove to himself that he still has control over you by threats and intimidation, alternating with pleas to have a "second chance", that he still has feelings for you. Don't buy into his pleas of love--he has not changed, he only wants to you believe he has so that you will willingly go back to the pattern of behavior that was in your relationship with him.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to have absolutely no contact with him--even if it means changing your phone number. If you run into him in public, walk away from him. Document the date, time and nature of the threats he is making towards you and go to the police to make a complaint. The most important thing to do (as difficult as it is) is to never respond in any way to his threats or his pleas. Any type of attention, positive or negative, will only reinforce his belief that he is getting to you and the behavior will continue. Google abuse resources and shelters for your area, they can provide with with info on trained abuse counselors, so you can talk about your experiences to get a better perspective on your situation.