Your husband has been secretly flirting with coworker hugging texting late night phone calls and even a secret handshake only the two of them know He has never hidden things before is it more?
Google online for Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list--it's a list of how to handle the time when you are thinking of separation or dealing with a partner's affair. He's sneaking behind your back to communicate with this coworker innapropriately: texts, flirting, hugs. While people in healthy relationships may have opposite sex friends, they don't keep their communications with that friend secret from their spouse; they don't sneak to contact the person. Your husband and this woman are having an emotional affair, possibly a physical one as well. The initial response is often to violently confront the cheater, to rush to divorce or somehow 'fix' the marriage. All are knee jerk reactions: what you need to do is decide what you want to do. Take a few days and decide what you're going to do with the information before divulging it. For example, if you choose to divorce your spouse, you want to look into divorce procedures in your local area BEFORE confronting. The evidence gathered might be inadaquate for filing on grounds, so do more snooping for evidence. Physical safety should be taken into consideration as well. Is your spouse violent? If so, you'll want to make certain that you've taken steps to protect yourself and your family. Gather and get your finances in order. Be prepared when you confront your spouse; let him be the one taken off guard for a change. If your spouse catches on that you are checking up on his activities, he and this coworker will take the affair underground and make it that much harder for you to get physical evidence. So act as natural as possible. A cheater will not end the affair if he doesn't have to face any consequences. Lay the evidence you have down and give your husband an ultimatum--he either ends the affair or you end the marriage. Either he ends the affair immediately (with a phone message that you monitor), ends all contact with this woman (even if it means transferring or finding a new job), allows you access to his texts/phone calls, and goes to marital counseling with you OR he moves out of the marital residence and you expose the affair to his and her supervisors and her spouse and file for divorce immediately. One or the other. If you let him decide his options, he still has control in the situation, so that is why I am suggesting YOU take control and TELL him what his choices are. If he chooses the affair, start divorce proceedings. Doing that may even scare him enough to realize he is going to be making a huge mistake. Don't confront the other woman; you will find no benefit in talking to someone who is invested in ruining your marriage. She possibly will lie to you to save your husband's skin. Don't be gaslighted; don't believe they are only 'friends'---your spouse will be terrified of consequences and out to save his own skin, and will lie about the affair as much as possible to avoid further fallout. He may also be angry, pretend to be hurt or even accuse you--of cheating, insecurity or even jealousy. Don't buy his act. The first truth about the affair is only the partial truth, it will take time and further investigation to find out how far this affair went. Then back off emotionally--act as disconnected from the drama as possible, get enough sleep, take care of your health. Don't harass your husband and don't support him either. He either steps up to the plate and goes to counseling or you really move on for your own good. If he refuses to find a new job or end contact with this woman, you should file for divorce and move on for your own health. There's no easy fix here: your spouse has to prove to you his willingness to end this affair and focus on his marriage; if he's unwilling, the marriage is effectively over. By choosing to cheat, he chose to deal with any consequences that could result from it, whether he likes it or not. So let him deal.