What does it mean when someone devalues another?

Answer 1

When one person starts pointing out flaws, weaknesses or otherwise ridicules or minimizes another, it's generally an attempt to make that person feel better about themself. It doesn't really work though, because it ends up being a behavior that is repeaded constantly. You can criticize anyone you want, but it will never make you feel better about yourself.

Thank You AgainAll your answers are extremely helpful. I am out of the relationship with the N, and now revisiting reuniting with another ex who does something I am unsure about. As one of you said I am a grown woman and therefore, how much of this do I need. The thing is - all healthy relationships encourage the other to be better. Ideally this is within an environment of acceptance and love where one is 'inspired' to be better rather than guilted or coerced into it. What's been said here about this topic applied precisely to my ex-N. I had NO idea when I was in it! The progression of his control was so subtle it was hardly perceptible. I was the frog in the pot being boiled as the heat was very slowly turned up. Thank God I woke up! Hearing your input further reinforces what I know about him as I come to full admission (a hard thing). What I have since learned is that I likely attract N's therefore, I am doing what I can to discern this feeling I have with my other ex who I am unsure about. I do 'not' want to see an N under every rock. My ability to be objective (when I'm not in love) helps me with this. What I know is with this other ex (unsure if he's an N) is that one day I feel so encouraged about who I am, and the next day completely discouraged. I don't know if that is 'me' or something he is doing. Thanks again! - AlwaysLearning answerThe N will use devaluing to manipulate. They work on your perceptions. They will get you to doubt your own thoughts and feelings so you will do their bidding. They will heap on the guilt so you will try harder to please them. If the victim does not have strong boundaries he or she will eventually come to doubt their own thoughts and values. At this point they have played right in to the N's greedy grasp. This can do real damage to the victims self-esteem. The weaker the victim becomes the more pleased the N is. The N may even come to despise you for giving in to their impossible demands. They may grow bored of you and dump you. The N devalues to remove himself from any guilt. He has to hate or despise you to leave you, for instance. He needs you to look bad. He will create the drama in his own mind. He will likely believe his own lies after a time.He will try to influence others with it too. This elevates him. "It was all ----- (the victim's) fault! , the N will say."See, I am the good guy and----(the victim) is At Fault!" Thank YouI haven't understood this concept entirely, but that helps to bring some clarity. What if someone says they are trying to help by pointing these things out? How do you know the difference between being devalued and being encouraged to be different/better? This is where I get confused. In some cases such as with my ex-N, it was CLEAR he was doing it to make himself feel better and it was NOT constructive. I am now assessing someone else to determine if this is the same behavior or not. Thanks again... AnswerYou will know if he is trying to help or trying to harm under the disguise of trying to help. If hes trying to put you down he will do it maybe in a passive aggressive way. He may say things like, "you know how you can be" as though you are some helpless woman. Your gut will alarm you. I wonder too though, you don't need a man's input or suggestions frequently. You are a grown woman I imagine, so why do you need the constant reassurance? Maybe you don't, Im just wondering where this man is going with this. Best Wishes.

WInDOW FROM THE HEART:

When someone criticizes another it could be for a number of reasons.

For instance: My man rags on me constantly about being true to my words.

It annoys me, true, but I take it because I know he is trying to teach me;To really think and evaluate how and what I say.

It can be helpful to uphold roles of learning and listening so that you can really understand what someone is trying to tell you. Knowing when to be student and when to play teacher.

On the other hand I do get worn out occasionally when he nit-picks me about stupid ship, belittling my intelligence with radical opinions that come from up his booty and around the corner. Being an abstract mind myself I usually find it easy to disengage from the self-sabotaging banter.

I like to say whatevea, in a non-sarcastic way and then follow up with a positive, no matter how barbie-go-venga it sounds. Anything to disengage the negative string of doubt and mistrust, things like "look at that sunflower, isn't it beautiful?

I do have to admit, that If you have already been effected by the words, trying to cover this with senseless observations of what you could really care less about in the moment wont help, it may even make you feel cheap.

Sometimes I am left with the feeling that maybe he is worried about himself and doesn't have the communication skills or open heart to be soft and say , Oh' Babe I'm feeling sad will you give me a hug" I don't know, Maybe he just does it (and this is probably more right on) to get a reaction.

This is a psychic vampire way of getting energy. During an attack , when you feel someone is trying to get to you, emotionally reactive.

(where there is a lot of energy, yet, not the only place to harvest it from) you can counter act this by being non-reactive, even if you have to pretend that he or she is possessed at the moment and what they are saying they wish to say to themselves more than to you, it just comes out this way cause the soul is confused.

This is only part of the answer as to why others try and put others down, its really a fourth grade attempt at making themselves feel better.

Usually there is little reason to judge a person at all, unless what they do effects you, which it always does. Judge and you shall be judged.

It's not such a bad thing unless the person has distinctly different ideas on things. I guess in this type of situation you have to weigh the significance with your heart. Does it matter to my well being to find connection with this person or keep digging up for ship.

For all things, what you focus on, you create more of, thoughts are contagious like that.

Remind your bunk head b-friend of that when he spouts snake tongue.

Just imagine what other situations and environments you could create with a little positive visualisation or even together focusing on the goodness and prosperity already found in your daily life.

So even if you have to help ( by subtle direction) your partner focus on positive and enlightening things, it can only help strengthen both of you.

Also, there has to be a likeness in the two souls to want to find connection and peace.

If connection is not present, little or nothing, even an angel descending in plain view can do much for you.

It is essential that this type of power-struggle cycle does not escalate into violence, or for it's own sake infinity.

To break the cycle you have to add a new one and then dissolve the old. Like the old hoops magician's trick.

Think about the new cycle that you would like to replace the old one with. Go over the details of how it will feel, look and be.

Writing out the differences on a sheet of paper helps too, then we can look at what it takes to bridge those two behaviours and erase the old.

For myself and all those involved, I wish to say, that no one else can tell you about yourself.

You and only you have the key to that private sanctuary.

If someone doesn't appreciate respect and love the light and beauty you bring to the world consciously, it is sadly them who are missing out.

Love indeed may be effortless, Love is also evolving,

* If you are on the fast track of life and believe in alternative evoltive techniques,

it is possible to transcend by living out your old karma as you trade it in for Dharma. I call it the path of correction.

It is also comforting to know, that when someone treats you like ship or something, they reap what they sow.

They're going to get it back in some why shape or form or mental torture, at some point in there life,

and it is easier to feel compassion, cause the same goes for you. So be aware and conscious. Thanks