answersLogoWhite

0

It takes two to tango and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets two of a myriad of this dense macabre. It often ends fatally. It is always an excruciatingly painful affair.

Abuse is closely correlated with Alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviors, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders. It doesn't help that society refuses to openly and frankly tackle this pernicious phenomenon and the guilt and shame associated with it.

The situation is not always bad; it has good and bad times and it is that slippery slope that keeps people from doing what they know they must. A habit of second guessing rather than choosing a path with confidence is difficult to overcome. It is not just leaving-it is providing a safe place for yourself and children, getting a job, managing the legalities all at the same time - and it is daunting for a good period of time after you have left.

People overwhelmingly women remain in an abusive household for a variety of reasons: economic, parental (to protect the children), and psychological. But the objective obstacles facing the battered spouse cannot be overstated.

The abuser treats his spouse as an object, an extension of himself, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs. Thus, typically, the couple's assets are on his name from real estate to medical insurance policies. The victim has no family or friends because her abusive partner or husband frowns on her initial independence and regards it as a threat. By intimidating, cajoling, charming, and making false promises, the abuser isolates his prey from the rest of society and, thus, makes her dependence on him total. She is often also denied the option to study and acquire marketable skills or augment them.

Abandoning the abusive spouse frequently leads to a prolonged period of destitution and peregrination. Custody is usually denied to parents without a permanent address, a job, income security, and, therefore, stability. Thus, the victim stands to lose not only her mate and nest but also her off-spring. There is the added menace of violent retribution by the abuser or his proxies coupled with emphatic contrition on his part and a protracted and irresistible "charm offensive".

Gradually, she is convinced to put up with her spouse's cruelty in order to avoid this harrowing predicament.

But there is more to an abusive dyad than mere pecuniary convenience. The abuser stealthily but unfailingly exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of his victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defense mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis). She may have come from an abusive family or environment which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain.

The abuser may be functional or dysfunctional, a pillar of society, or a peripatetic con-artist, rich or poor, young or old. There is no universally-applicable profile of the "typical abuser". Yet, abusive behavior often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies. Absent empathy, the abuser perceives the abused spouse only dimly and partly, as one would an inanimate source of frustration. The abuser, in his mind, interacts only with himself and with "introjects" representations of outside objects, such as his victims. The abused person is emotionally fragile, starving for affection, security, and affirmation. If the abused person lacks a strong social support system, the abusive relationship, sick as it is, provides some relief from being alone. Some abused partners avoid being alone at all costs, until they hit rock bottom and cannot live with the abuse any longer. Because in most cases the abused does not realize they are being abuse in the beginning the abuser will use blame shifting. Once the abuser has given you so many reasons that things went wrong because of something that you did or didn't do, or behaviors, or attitudes that he or she says that you should work on "yourself" you begin to feel as if the abuse takes place because you have made mistakes. Some people like myself tend to be fixers and want to find a solution to all the problems that have been presented thinking that the problem really is you. I hear that a lot -YOU YOU YOU don't care about me, YOU lie, YOU made me do what I did because you....You, and so on and so on. Don't take the blame anymore, don't confuse being an adult and making healthy adult decisions to work through things with taking someones abusive crap. I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT! How I stayed with my ex for as long as I did is a mystery. The signs came a long time ago, but I thought it was ok. Then came the first incident of physical abuse and I swore that was it and I was going to leave. But then he sweet talked me and told me it would never happen again, and that he would get help. So I believed him because I loved him and I thought what he was saying was completely true. I guess I wanted to believe that the mean guy I saw in him wasn't really him.

But he never got the help, and after another month he started verbally abusing me, lying to me, started using drugs. Again, you'd think I would have bolted! Well I tried, but again he came to me that he'd get help, it would get better, he loved me. And I stayed! I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT. Things were great for a little while, but then again, another incident when I was left with bruises all over my body. I left the house and got a hotel room to stay that night. I swore that was it, i left. But again, he came to me begging and again I went back. Each time I completely believed that this time, THIS TIME he really would get help and THIS TIME it would work. That never happened.

I finally have ended it for good, I haven't had contact with him for 2 days since the s#@$ hit the fan. I'm so angry at myself for staying in this abusive relationship for so long. I never thought I would endanger myself, or be the "stupid girl" that I'd see in movies. But i did, and it was because I was in love, and was hoping that he could be the sweet guy he was some of the times, ALL OF THE TIME. But that can't happen when there's a monster deep down. I should have left when the monster first appeared. I feel like such an idiot that i didn't. I'm glad I'm finally out. I don't have to be scared anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent. This is a question I used to ask myself a lot. As a strong feminist I couldn't understand why someone would stay in a relationship that was abusive. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship, and saw how difficult it was to disentangle myself from it. Some things to think about:

1) Abuse often starts gradually and then gets worse over time (like gradually increasing heat until it hits the boiling point, it's sometimes difficult to see what's happening until you're far along in the process).

2) Abusive people will often separate you from your friends and family, removing your traditional sources of support. After you've had to blow off friends and family, or been embarrassed in front of them many times, because of the behavior of your partner, it's sometimes difficult to reach back for help.

3) Abusers will often operate on the mindset that everything is your fault. Delivery Pizza is burnt? Your fault. Weather bad? Your fault. When you're used to shouldering the blame for every small thing that happens in life, the abuse becomes your fault as well. He'll tell you it's your fault, of course, and at some point you start believing. This may also be a characteristic that you entered the relationship with - an over willingness to accept blame; couple this with a need to shift blame for everything and you have a very bad combination.

4) Abusers can threaten dire consequences (either to themselves or to you) if you leave. In my case, my abuser was fiscally dependent on me. If I left, he would have nowhere to go, and no money to live on. He used this to make me feel very guilty. If I left he would have nothing, he would harm himself, etc. His lack of financial independence was, of course, my fault.

5) Living with abuse over a period of time sucks away your energy and self esteem. All of your resources go towards avoiding the next big blow up, trying to protect what little peace you have in the home. Your sense of self worth is continually taken away by your treatment at home and you believe that you deserve no better than what you have.

6) It's humiliating to admit that you are living in an abusive situation. It's humiliating to even admit this to yourself. Being abused is equated with being weak and unable to defend oneself in our society. There is a general idea that people who are in abusive situations somehow deserve to be there, as they are not strong enough to have extricated themselves. Denial of what is going on can be very strong. I was with my ex for 6 years. I should have left him when he went to jail, but I didn't...after he got out of jail, everything was fine. About a year later, we got our own place is the time the abuse started. I ended up getting pregnant and that didn't seem to stop him.. He literally pushed me on the ground and kicked me�luckily, my son was fine... I was stupid and I thought I was in love I thought it was my fault and I was getting beat... So, I stayed. Eventually, it got worse....around my son's 1st birthday, I ended up leaving him. He flipped out he kidnapped my son for 3 days. And I was away from him for about 3 months until his sister called me up and said he tried to kill himself, I was stupid again and took him back. Everything was fine for about a month and I thought "Well, maybe he changed"...I was wrong. It all started again. The first time it started was because I didn't come to him when he called me. He ended up punching me in my side and breaking my ribs and he bruised my kidney. I kicked him out of the house. He begged me to come back and of course I did. The last time he hit me it was in my face and he broke my nose. I finally went to the cops and made a report, but didn't press charges. A domestic violence lady called me and talked me into putting an order of protection against him and make where he only sees our son every other weekend. I know I was stupid but once abuse starts, you need to get out it just gets worse and he's lying when he says he loves you he can't love you if beats you. Sometimes, there is no choice or at least it feels that way. I am currently in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. We've been together for 12 years and married for 10 of those. Back before we had kids, I threatened and actually did leave several times. I was a fool, I always thought he really would change, and was to stupid to realize that he never once admitted that he really did have a problem. Now, we have 5 kids, 3 of which are triplets, and I feel trapped. I hate the way he treats me, always yelling and screaming and calling names, he acts like he's my father rather than my husband most of the time. When I see other couples, I long for that kind of relationship, where both parties respect each other. The only time he's nice is when he wants sex and even there, he is disrespectful. He pouts if I turn him down and accuses me of cheating and he pushes oral sex on me when he knows I am uncomfortable with it. Yet, if I don't comply, he throws a tantrum so it's easier just to lay there and let him do whatever. I started taking classes for nursing last semester and if I pass, my interview will be done and working in about 2.5 years...some days seem to feel like ages away, though. I even told him that once I am through with school and am working and making good money, his choice will be to shape up or ship out! However, that only causes yet another argument. At the moment, I stay because I don't feel like I have a choice, and there's no way I'd leave my kids with him so he can make them just like him, but without having a job, I have no way to support myself plus 5 kids. Or, I would do it in a heartbeat. The worst part is that some of his behaviors have rubbed off on me...I say things to him now that I would never have said 12 years ago, because I wasn't raised that way, but when someones' constantly telling you what an idiot you are, it doesn't take long to fall into the pattern of throwing it right back at them. Even worse is that I see it in my kids especially my oldest son, who is 8. I feel so helpless that I can't get them out of this situation. Hello, all. I can't believe I am on this page. Let me explain. I'm a 27 year old male. I haven't been in many relationships in my life, only 2 and they combined to span something like 13 months. I basically was waiting for the right person to come along. 2 months ago I met this older woman who is 35. She seemed very interested in me and I gave her my number. We talked for hours one night. What she told me was she was not quite finalized in her divorce from her husband. She told me that she was married for 19 years and she had 2 kids ages 17 and 18. Her husband was physically abusive and she wanted to leave so many times but she didn't because of the kids and the fact that her father was a preacher and he told her if she got a divorce she was going to hell.

I listened to this and I evaluated every word she said. She explained that she had been separated from him for 3 years and she had since dated another guy. This second guy ended up being verbally and emotionally abusive to her as well and didn't want her kids around. She ended up leaving him and moving back with her parents. Now this is when I met her.

The more I talked off and on with her the more I thought this woman was a sweetheart and it was drawing me in. I knew from what she was saying that she hadn't ever been in a real relationship. I thought that I could show her everything that she hadn't been able to enjoy in life. I wanted to step up as a man and make this woman happy and treat her like she deserved to be treated.

Everything seemed fine, she finalized her divorce and we were "dating" although not quite physically involved yet. One day she received a call from her ex-boyfriend. She told me that he left her a message (because she didn't answer the phone) that stated something like "What are you on a hot f****** date!?". She told me she was going to "take care of this problem". I was a bit weary of the situation and she was hinting that she was going to go talk with him. Deep down inside I knew this was bad for her to do. She was giving him an opportunity to snake his way back into her life. She went and talked with him. She didn't call me that night or the next night like she normally did. I knew something was up. Now, from my perspective, I didn't want to get hurt, but I had developed feelings for this woman. I spoke with her on the phone and basically she said she needed time to figure things out. I knew this was bad. She was so gung-ho about talking to me and planning things with me and now she totally stopped and didn't know what she wanted. I talked with her for 3 hours about this situation one night.

She said she was confused. She liked me and she told me I would be everything she could ever ask for in a partner, but she still had feelings for this other guy. She said she didn't think it would be fair to be with me when she had feelings for him still. I was devastated. I explained to her that everyone has those feelings after somethings ends and you just need to take a step forward and grab my hand and stand with me for a while and you'll soon realize that what you had before was nothing compared to what I could offer. This guy was treating her like a yo-yo. He would throw her away when he didn't want her around, and because she kept that emotional string tied to him, he could always pull her back up from the dirt when he wanted to. It had worked for him before and it was going to work again. I thought to myself that I need to do everything I can do to help this woman out of this cycle. I never ever felt so emotional over something like this. I am usually a passive person and I will let things that I can't control fall as they may. I want to save this woman from all of this but I am not sure how. That's how I ended up here. I was researching this subject to get a better understanding of what was going on with her emotionally. To be honest I couldn't quite understand why she would even think about going back when she had something that was about to turn into something she had always wanted. A man to love her and treat her the way she wanted to be treated, as a best friend and a lover.

So she said she needed time and space to figure out if she wanted to go back with this guy or be with me. I told her that was alright, and I expressed all of my concerns to her, and I explained everything I felt for her (I have never stepped up and done this with anyone in the past) and I told her I would give her all the time she needed but I also told her that I didn't think there was any way I could win in this situation. I told her I wasn't going to call her anymore, and if she wanted to talk to me she could call me anytime. She said she would call but I haven't heard from her in a few days. I've exhausted myself trying to convince her not to go back to something that she knew the outcome was going to be. I honestly care for this woman and I don't want her to keep getting hurt. When she told me about everything that she had been through in her life between the 2 abusive relationships I wanted to cry. She had been raped, beaten, choked, verbally abused, etc, etc. She started to list all of these things that would be a reason why I wouldn't want to be with her, she had no money, bad credit, lived with her parents, was emotionally unstable and suicidal. She was trying to make it easy for me to let her go so it wouldn't be as hard for her to choose between me or him. She knows I'm the right one, but it is easier for her not to cut her ties with him and just go back. She said she had been so depressed, obsessed with this guy wanting her back. I tried to the best of my ability to convince her that this was a mistake to go back but I think I have failed. She can't see it with her eyes because she believes that it will be different the next time or he will somehow change. I explained that I have seen this countless times where some abusive guy will get 3,4,5, 20 chances with a girl. The girl just will keep coming back thinking it will be different or better this time. It never is. I also explained that there were honest, sincere, caring guys like me out there who often never get a chance at all. It is a severe injustice, but I don't know where the fault lies. I have expressed all my feelings and concerns to her and I have left it up to her to decide what to do. I know what is going to happen but there seems to be nothing I can do to help her. I know if I could keep her away from him that I could restore this woman's confidence in life and show her what real love and devotion is. She is putting herself on course for a self-imposed train wreck if she chooses to go back to him. I know I can't make her choice for her. But I don't want her to keep getting hurt. I know if she chooses to go back, I will have to walk away because I care too much for her to see her have everything crash again and go further down the spiral. It would hurt me to see that.

I have a very different perspective on this whole subject from this experience and from what I have researched. It tears me up to think about all of these women who go through this. I just would like to say to some of you that not all men are this way. I have given every ounce of devotion and love to the people I have been with in the past. Unfortunately for me, this was taken for granted, but I know when the right one comes along it will all ring clear and become an asset that makes someone happy for a long time. Wow... this site is amazing. I've seen my story here a hundred times. I have been married for two years and have recently come to the conclusion that my husband is an alcoholic and abusive. It started within a few months of marriage, when he got really angry (while drunk) for no rational reason. He knocked over furniture. He threw things at me, called me names, pulled my hair, and tried to choke me. This happened a few times during the next year, although he never actually hurt me physically, other than coughing while he was choking me. I mean he never hit me or left bruises or other marks. We were getting ready to move and I kept thinking things would be better after we moved. They were for a few months, but then he did the same thing again (names, pulling hair, choking me). He went out of town for a couple weeks and I realized that I was able to drive home from work and not worry about what I would find when I got there. He is retired, so he can starting drinking whenever he wants to. I found this site a couple weeks ago and decided to take action. I tried to talk to him about it, but he really had nothing to say other than that he loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me. But when he's drunk, it's another story altogether. I realized that the things I talked about when he was sober would come back to haunt me when he was drinking and after he had time to dwell on it for a couple days. We talked about the abuse again and he admitted choking me a couple years ago, but basically denied everything else and even told me I was fabricating it all. He says he gets mad because I argue too much. I have seen a counselor at the shelter and was convinced I needed to file for divorce. I started working on a plan. I have a place to go if I need to leave and a bag in my car with essentials. I have a separate bank account and my own credit cards. I am a strong willed woman with a military background, a graduate degree, and an excellent career. I have always said if anyone ever hurt me, I would be gone before daybreak... yet here I am... thinking about all the good times we have had and wondering if we will ever have them back again. I change from angry and strong to hurt and weak on a daily basis. I can't believe I didn't see this coming... he proposed to me 6 weeks after we started dating, but there were no other warning signs. He has a comment for everything I say, implying I am stupid or inferior in some other way. If I make a mistake, I get crucified... but if he makes a mistake, it's no big deal... "it can happen to anyone". He drinks every evening and I walk around on eggshells, never knowing when he will explode into another rage. I have purchased a couple books on abuse and alcoholism, and hope to get some insight from them and build some inner strength. I'm sure I have to divorce him. I don't really believe he wants to change, and therefore he won't. I love him but I have trouble believing he really loves me... how can you do such things to someone you love? Sometimes people stay because of threats to their family that they believe the abuser will carry out.

I too have seen my story here in bits and pieces. I have thought I was alone. I left my abusive husband after 15 years and 2 kids I sat for months after calling myself the some of the names he called me - idiot, stupid, dummy asking over and over why did I stay? Why didn't I call the police? I was married and had 2 kids before I was 25, my ex-husband first hit me when I was pregnant with my first and I was devastated I was 20 years old I had no family and no money I was not even allowed to drive a car. After each time he would apologize profusely and tell me if I would just not make him so mad he would not have to hit me. He would also say that no one would believe me that he hit me and he denies it even though I have pictures of the bruises. Each time I forgave him and would try not to misbehave so he would not "have" to hit me but it was always something. He would tell me that if I left he would kill me and cut me up in pieces and he would hurt my mother. My parents were not allowed in the house I was not allowed to have friends in the house or go anywhere with friends and if I did I was a "wh*re" he told my kids that I was a drug addict and an alcoholic when I rarely drink and never took drugs in my life. I finally had enough when he yanked me down a flight of steps by my hair and slammed my head into a wood desk and when I went to run he grabbed my arms so hard he broke all the blood vessels where he grabbed. To top it off when I was getting ready to leave he threw me down by kneeing me in the back bruising my backside flipped me over and bit me and choked me then threw a chair on top of me - my kids saw this I needed out it was leave or die. Now, in the divorce, he is trying to take my kids. I am fighting, and it has cost me everything money my job and all the "professionals" say that my ex "presents himself well" and as I read this page, I see many abusers do WHY don't the courts see this? On top of all of it, I am the one being persecuted the most because if I was abused, why did I stay? That's what they keep asking me - I was even told that if I stayed - I deserved it. To be a victim of abuse is devastating I still have nightmares that he will hurt me. I have to talk to him because the courts make me and no one wants to acknowledge his abuse. My whole world was torn apart I left with nothing and I left everything behind that I spent a lifetime working for (except my kids) and all I can say months and months later is THANK GOD I did - there is no material possession that replaces the happiness I am learning to get out of life even though he still has to be part of it I am learning to cope and I strongly suggest if you leave an abusive relationship seek therapy from a therapist trained in dealing with battered women - they need that training I did and I am healing and I am find myself for the first time in 15 years - Happy. Even with all the difficulties in starting over it is so worth it. If someone is calling you names, putting you down, isolating you from your network, hitting you and in any way, is unwelcome physically, acts aggressive towards you, threatens you in any way - Don't think about what comes after - RUN - RUN HARD AND FAST ASK FOR HELP - call a domestic hotline. Things tend to fall into place somehow, but don't stay in misery! Get out, and find happiness.

I've been there, so I have experience in this matter. Most people remain in an abusive relationship because they don't think they can do any better and convince themselves that they love this person and that things will improve. The individual needs to come to the realization that they can do better and they are better off not being in a relationship of this nature.

User Avatar

Wiki User

9y ago

What else can I help you with?

Related Questions

If your an emotional abuser what causes them to leave?

the victim or the abuser? emotional abuse cuts deeper than physical abuse. it has to do with manipulation. though emotional abuse and physical abuse ususally go hand in hand.


What are the causes of physical abuses?

One of the causes of physical abuse is that the abuser was also physically abused at some point in their childhood. Stress, alcohol abuse, jealousy, low self-esteem, and controlling behavior are all causes of physical abuse also.


Does substance abuse intervention increase the abuser's odds of staying clean?

Yes, it does. In all cases, the substance abuse intervention is conducted to inform the abuser of the danger and guide the abuser out of whatever form of substance abuse he/she is using. This on a whole gives the abuser moral and medical support, increasing the odds of staying clean.


What type of drug is a drug that causes its abuser to have delusions and visions?

A hallucinogen. Most are dangerous. People abuse these to escape from what they perceive to be a painful reality, rationally or not.


How does dominance cause abuse in a relationship?

The desire to dominate, and frustration when it doesn't work, is the immediate cause of most abuse. The underlying causes are emotional problems that will only get worse if untreated. Either get the abuser into an effective program, or get out of there.


What is a common form of abuse where the abuser tries to keep the abused from family and friends?

domestic abuse or violence


What would a parent have to do to be considered and abuser?

abuse the child mentally or physically


What makes people vulnerable to abuse and the power relationship between the abuser and the victim?

the abuser is called sadist & the victim is called masochist.


What is abuse mean?

Yes, the noun 'abuse' is an abstract noun, a word for a concept.


What are the evils of the computer?

The computer in and of itself is not evil, it is an inanimate object. The user is the abuser and it is the abuser who causes the evil.


Why do some abuse victims' love turn to hate after relationships end and is it possible they will love the abuser again?

The love turns to hate because the reality of what the abuser did sets in. Speaking as a victim of abuse, I don't think I could ever love my abuser again even if he said he's "changed" because of the reality of what he did to me, and the claims that he "changed" so many previous times during the abuse.


How does alcohol abuse affect families?

I think it affect families by the actions the abuser is or was taken ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !