Know it sounds mean but is there any way to mess up a narcissist?

Answer 1

I am in the middle of trying to end a relationship with a narcissist - I have children so it was very important for me that they know who I am. I realised that he there was something wrong with him after just two dates with him - I told him I was not interested in a relationship with him and he literally 'squared up' to me and said in an extremely aggressive and threatening way that 'he was looking forward to a bit of romance' .....I knew right then that he did not care about my feelings or who I was and I immediately felt 'not separate' from him. I tried to get away from him numerous times but he continually dumped on me how this would affect him and basically would never understand my point of view. I ended up being broken down into marrying him but all the time I purposely kept my feelings and emotions to myself - my anger and resentment. I made vain attempts to try to talk about the relationship but he would become extremely defensive and give 30 different reasons why I was imagining things and why I was mad. I was in 'cope' mode for twenty years. But at the same time I met someone else 'normal' and had a relationship for a year but when it came to deciding what to do I needed to cut loose from my marriage and resolve the problems before engaging in a relationship elsewhere. I legally separated from my narcistic 'ex' but he STILL didn't let go - and then me met another girl - this was the first time in 20 years that I felt 'free' it was a physical sensation of a huge pole being taken from my head and years of anguish and anger and grief came flooding out. I immediately got back on to him and 'showed' myself to him and gave him a choice to come back but all the time wanting to get all the skeletons out and to take back my life - for the next six months and because he didn't have 'control' over me any more - his raging anger came flooding out and his mask slipped in front of my family - EVERYBODY saw exactly what he was like - for 20 years he USED me as a conduit to filter his insecurity and 'nothingness' and now EVERYBODY saw what he was like. When I separated from him I ensured that I manipulated all the money and have bought my house outright and HE lives in rented accommodation. I have the opportunity to build 'normal' relationships with my children and they are seeing now exactly who the 'mental' person is because for years he told them that I was mentally sick and NOW they can see exactly who the sick one is.

I do not understand why I my life I have had to live through this hell and try to escape with some sort of self respect and self esteem. I HATED playing him at his own game but it was the only way I felt that I could survive and expose him and get my life back. I feel that I have reliquished my power and my trust in men and in relationships because of this and I am really a shell of a person compared to what I was before he crossed my path. I felt that 'reducing' him was my only way to survive and to try to breath again but the process to myself and my health was terrible.

I am not sure whether I would advise anyone to try to mess a narcisist up because at the end of the day they do not have the capacity to feel and to empathise - this would have been the ONLY release for me for him to care and to understand and be respectful - but i KNOW that I will NEVER get this from him - I need to learn to give it back to myself and it is a very difficult thing to do after so many years of being smothered and abused.....

Answer 2

Engaging in their behavior by seeking retaliation or trying to manipulate them will likely only escalate the situation. It is generally more effective to set boundaries, prioritize your own well-being, and limit your interactions with the narcissist as much as possible. Remember to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional.