You just had a miscarriage your husband is devastated now you feel guilty that you could not carry his child for more than a month when you carried and aborted an 8 week pregnancy for someone else?

Answer 1

You and your husband have just experienced a very sad event in your lives. Evidently, he, and possibly both of you , were looking forward very much to having children of your own. The loss of the fetus is a setback to those plans, and at the very least, you will both have to start over from the beginning. Take the time to share any grief you both may feel. If you can, talk openly about your sadness and hurt with each other. It would help greatly to know WHY each of you feels hurt and sad. Your joint grief may be an obvious outcome of such an event, but it is far from obvious what your personal and individual reasons for your feelings might be. So share them with each other. It occurs to me that you might have some sort of religious belief that is confusing you. If so, this might be dealt with skillfully by a pastor or clergyman. Don't hesitate to ask for somebody with better skills if the efforts of the first few people aren't adequate in meeting your needs. Very few people are actually capable of being helpful in a grief situation if their job demands other skills as well, such as running a congregation. I believe that our bodies have much wisdom beyond our personal knowing. Your body evidently understood something that you don't. The baby you two were making was somehow defective, and your body decided that there wasn't any value in continuing to produce another human being that would have so many challenges in life. I have seen women have several miscarriages before having a healthy, normal child. They abandon unhealthy eating and drinking habits after their miscarriages, and the fetus that gets aborted seems to function as a broom that sweeps dangerous particles from the woman's body and helps her to become "cleaner" and a better environment for the next, possibly healtier body to grow in. Often, this takes more than one cycle to reach its maximum effectiveness so that the growing body can come to full term. This is sad, but it is also very practical of nature to provide this path to recovery to wellness. As we age, we become less able to bear healthy children. This is an unfortunate part of life. The fact that your younger body was able to start a baby for 8 weeks has little to do with anything right now. You clearly have unresolved issues over your prior abortion, as almost all women do. This is something that would be skillful for you to address with a caring counselor. There is probably no reason for you to feel guilt over not being able to have a baby now. Your husband has different genes from your prior partner, which may interact differently with yours. BOTH of you are older than when you made a baby with your prior partner. This is a factor. Your eating habits may be less healthy than when you started your first child. Your body needs a great deal of nutrition to successfully produce viable offspring. With so many possibilities to explain why you didn't carry your husband's child to term, and none of which you can know for certain, I hope you will consider laying your feelings of guilt down at the altar of compassion, for yourself, if not for your husband and for your unborn child. It is unlikely that you are being punished by a vengeful god for your previous behavior. I have no idea of whether or not you are concerned about this, but it is at least a possibility. God would prefer us to behave in ways that help us to become the most wonderful expression of humanity of which we are capable. Jesus repeatedly admonished those off the path to "go and sin no more", while fully forgiving them for the thing that they felt guilty about. Let your mistakes in life be the springboard from which you progress into the future, but use them to help keep you from repeating them thoughtlessly, but not to keep beating yourself up over them, which accomplishes little or nothing. When you and your husband feel as if your grief has finished its purpose, ask for guidance as to whether or not it would be best for you both to attempt another child. If you don't have any belief in guidance, then simply wait until the time "feels right" and keep as much consciousness about the process of procreation as you are both capable. Take some parenting classes. Learn HOW to treat your child well, should you eventually become blessed with one. Our own parents have rarely taught us the most skillful ways to either raise children or to bear them. Lamaze classes can do wonders for the delivery itself. I was very surprised to discover how little I actually knew about such things before I took the classes myself. Go by yourself if your husband isn't willing or isn't able to participate with you. The social and mental health of your children depends on you to do this for them. If you both very much want to have your own offspring together, then building your love and endurance together will eventually allow you to find a path that works well enough. If you have too many failures in the future while attempting to have your own children, then at some point consider adopting as an alternative. There are many children, and they need homes too! I'm glad you have the courage to ask such a painful question, and I hope that you will continue to seek out the answers to your situation, and not give up until you do! Peace be with you!

Answer 2

It's important to recognize that each pregnancy and situation is unique. Miscarriages are not anyone's fault, and it's natural to grieve and feel various emotions. It's essential to communicate openly and support each other during this challenging time, seeking professional help if needed. Remember that taking care of your emotional well-being is crucial.