How can you tell an abuser HE IS AN Abuser?

Answer 1

By being abused themselves.

How an abuser becomes abusiveThis is a question of nature vs. nurture. Although abusive behavior is passed on within families, it would seem that it is more about the family dynamics of both the parents and other family members than genetic. Within the family, if abusive behavior (verbal or physical abuse) is condoned, especially by blaming the victim, it will become an acceptable way to deal with emotions. An abused child is more likely to become an abuser himself to his/her family as an adult if it is not recognized and dealt with. (and sometimes, even then) In my life, children within the family did not have their emotional needs met as children and grew up without being able to show empathy or compassion. One thing that remains to be said: the victim of the abuse does NOT cause the abuser to become abusive--it is the abuser's choice of behavior. It is best to have a professional handle the issue, since they have the training to create boundaries and effect change. A good book on this subject is Patricia Evans' The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

Abusers became abusers by how they were raised. Spoiled and neglected children often become abusers because their parents conditioned them in both cases to reject accountability for their bad behavior. The parents who spoiled their children have kids that were conditioned to expect to get away with murder and not have to face consequences. They believe it is their right to do whatever they feel without suffering a consequence, even if it hurts others. They were raised to be self-centered, arrogant, always thinking they are right. And flying into an abusive rage when life drops little hints that the universe does not, in fact, revolve around them. A neglected child faces a similiar fate, although they will be less successful in life. Both the spoiled and the neglected never learned to tie bad behavior to conseqeunces, both never learned they needed to control their tantrums, both were conditioned into believing they aren't responsable for their behavior. Both were conditioned into this behavior by their parents (their lack of parenting, actually). The prerequisist for being an abuser is a profound selfishness and sense of entitlement. Abuse doesn't happen without those traits. Often they come upon these traits because they were spoiled growing up. Or their parents failed to raise them properly with discipline that fit their transgressions. A neglectful parent and a parent that spoils their kids can have the same effect. It creates a selfish, baby like personality that doesn't think it needs to face consequences, and throws a tantrum at the slightest discomfort. Its a myth to say that abused people become abusers themselves. Only self-centered, un-empathic, entitled people abuse. It is also a myth that abusers simply can't control their impluses. They can and do. Why else do they behave abusively behind closed doors, only to their loved ones...yet turn on the charm and act all sweetness and light in public or in front of authorities? They CHOOSE to abuse so that they can get away with it. They know what they are doing. They know it is wrong. They simply don't care. They are experts at behaving badly and getting away with it. They were raised perfectly for that.

Answer 2

Statistics show that intimate partner abuse, including domestic violence, has declined by one half in the last decade in the United States. Jay Silverman and Gail Williamson demonstrated in "Social Ecology and Entitlements Involved in Battering by Heterosexual College Males" (published in Violence and Victims, Volume 12, Number 2 (Spring 1997) that abuse is best predicted by two factors: the belief that mistreatment is justified and the succor of peers.

These two facts elucidate the cultural and social roots of abusive behavior. Abuse is bound to be found in patriarchal, narcissistic, or misogynistic collectives. Many societies exhibit cross sections of these three traits. Thus, most patriarchal groups are also misogynistic, either overtly and ideologically so - or covertly and in denial.

Paradoxically, women's lib initially makes things worse. The first period of social dislocation - when gender roles are redefined - often witnesses a male backlash in the form of last ditch patriarchy and last resort violence, trying to restore the "ancien regime". But as awareness and acceptance of women's equal rights grow, abuse is frowned upon and, consequently, declines.

Alas, four fifths of humanity are far from this utopian state of things. Even in the most prosperous, well-educated, and egalitarian societies of the West there are sizable pockets of ill-treatment that cut across all demographic and social-economic categories.

Women are physically weaker and, despite recent strides, economically deprived or restricted. This makes them ideal victims - dependent, helpless, devalued. Even in the most advanced societies, women are still expected to serve their husbands, maintain the family, surrender their autonomy, and abrogate their choices and preferences if incompatible with the ostensible breadwinner's.

Women are also widely feared. The more primitive, poorer, or less educated the community - the more women are decried as evil temptresses, whores, witches, possessors of mysterious powers, defilers, contaminants, inferior, corporeal (as opposed to spiritual), subversive, disruptive, dangerous, cunning, or lying.

Violence is considered by members of such collectives a legitimate means of communicating wishes, enforcing discipline, coercing into action, punishing, and gaining the approval of kin, kith, and peers. To the abuser, the family is an instrument of gratification - economic, narcissistic, and sexual. It is a mere extension of the offender's inner world, and, thus, devoid of autonomy and independent views, opinions, preferences, needs, choices, emotions, fears, and hopes.

The abuser feels that he is entirely within his rights to impose his species of order in his own impregnable "castle". The other members of the household are objects. He reacts with violent rage to any proof or reminder to the contrary. Moreover, his view of the family is embedded in many legal systems, supported by norms and conventions, and reflected in social arrangements.

But abusive behavior is frequently the outcome of objective societal and cultural factors.

Abuse and violence are "intergenerationally transmitted". Children who grow up in dysfunctional and violent families - and believe that the aggression was justified - are vastly more likely to become abusive parents and spouses.

Social stresses and anomy and their psychological manifestations foster intimate partner violence and child abuse. War or civil strife, unemployment, social isolation, single parenthood, prolonged or chronic sickness, unsustainably large family, poverty, persistent hunger, marital discord, a new baby, a dying parent, an invalid to be cared for, death of one's nearest and dearest, incarceration, infidelity, substance abuse - have all proven to be contributing factors.

AnswerI can only answer from experience. I found the reason that I am now self labled as an abuser is because of my past. I had no control as a child and as an adult I joined the military where I had even less control. Now being out of the military I am married with two kids and I want to control everything. That is not the way to go. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Trying to heal and change almost everything you know is very difficult but it should not ever be the responsiblity of others. They did not make you who you are. Everyone has a choice of how they want to act. AnswerIn more simple words. The only way to be able to behave like an abuser is having not enough respect for another being. A lack of respect can be caused by many factors. Most often it is learned behaviour. Like children who are spoiled rotten. Spoiling a child is not learning a child to have respect for others. Answer"What causes someone to become an abuser?"

I agree. Learned behaviour and reinforced environments supporting abuse.

Best wishes...

Answer

Although, I agree with many of the statements made in the answer it is flawed due to not taking into account that both sexes batter, in both heterosexual and homosexual relations. I will freely admit that majority is male (batterer) and female (Survivor).

Answer 3

There are many kinds and types of abusers. It is impossible to define a single pathogenesis (origin and development of the pathological conduct). Culture and society also play a role. Abuse cuts across social-economic strata, geography, ethnic lines, and periods in history. It is associated with certain mental health disorders but this is not a prerequisite - abusers can be psychologically healthy, in the clinical sense.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, if they don't think that they are, you won't be able to convince them. Try to reason with them if you can about how their abuse hurts others. Try to tell them that they can change their ways and get help if they want to.

Answer 5

Domestic violence is a over used term, someone talking loudly at you could be considered Domestic violence!