Why did my narcissist husband have an affair when i treated him like a king?

Answer 1

Because he is a narcissist. The most attractive men are the ones who display the "dark triad" of personality traits (Google it, basic rundown is Narcissism/self-absorbed, sociopathy/uncaring, and machiavellianism/the end justifies the means).

Incidentally, attractive men are both attractive and men, attractiveness making it easier to stir sexual interest from women and manhood, well... We like getting laid.

Narcissism as part of that means he's a very big fan of himself, and wants life to bear testament to how awesome he feels he is. Life in the States says "More is Better;" over time he may (subconsciously) perceive those behaviors as having "conquered" you, what you do for him as "normal operations," and may forget how good he has it.

Core principle, regardless of his or your personality: Happiness is not being constantly on cloud 9, it's a series of spikes that stick out above the baseline level.

AKA: Don't spoil him.

Now, before anyone goes on a "men are evil" rant, women are the same way. Early in any relationship, I pretend I don't know how to cook or do laundry, despite being a great cook (imo) and folding like I did at boot camp. If she knows I cook she'll want me to as a sweet gesture, and down the road if I don't do it she'll think something's wrong--Because it's "what I've always done."

Long tangent short, people take things for granted.

To fix it, you need to break the cycle, make him want you more than her, bust his bubble a little, and be strong and confident--Don't cling, and don't try to "check his status" with each step you take, as your motives should be a little mysterious. Weird as it sounds, getting involved in organizational activities (especially things you're good at, you can grab some status in there and "be a leader") could be a big help, as it'll make you "bigger game." Not saying become a "soccer mom," (not that anything's wrong with that) but pull some sway to 1) make him respect you more and 2) remind him without saying that people know you're married and the community will think he's a joke, a loser, and a liar for making a large commitment and then breaking his vows to run around with some other woman.

If he starts getting mad that you're not staying in the kitchen, don't worry, it means the plan's working and he's trying to get you back to being "conquered." He's not a "bad guy" for this, he's just used to a cycle and people resist change by nature.

IF HE BECOMES ABUSIVE, LEAVE.

I say again.

IF HE BECOMES ABUSIVE. LEAVE HIM.

Don't stick around and try to "change him," you will fail. Over time your view will distort and you'll just let it happen until one of you snap and something bad happens.

This is the last resort of the weak-minded, and means his love for himself and his own ways is far greater than any feelings or regard he has for you, his wife. Prep your phone for fast access to 911 if he starts to threaten your life, health, or safety, even if he makes it seem like he's joking about it. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, you're not wrong for feeling that way.

That was a sidenote, shouldn't get to that point, but it's worth stating since you never know who's who and fear of embarrassment can drive people insane.

Regardless, that's the big picture of why narcissistic guys usually cheat when they're treated like kings, it's a common problem with common factors playing in. I've been that guy before, but I grew up a little, lol.

If that didn't help, read below for a hug and a feel-good talk that puts it totally out of your hands.

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I don't think this is a question that can be answered by anyone else but him. I know that everyone has been hurt before, you just can't let it get you down to the point that you don't attract anyone else. "What goes around comes around." Always remember that. I am sure that if you did everythng possible to keep him and he still "stepped out" on you then there was nothing you could have done, so have peace in knowing that. "Everything happens for a reason." Keep that in mind as you harbour all the feelings that he has placed upon you. Pick up a bible and read some. Life is simple you sound young and resilient. Don't let him see you down and out. This is a time of opportunity for you, not a time of self pitty. I am not being hard on you at all, just trying to get you to think right. Don't dwell on rejection, that will get you no where. Keep your head up and don't give in. I am sure you would rather have this happen now instead of later. Good luck!