http://www.bpdresources.com/end.HTML

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Your very difficult decision to leave a chosen relationship with an abusive or violent Borderline partner who refuses treatment is in MANY cases the right one. As documented on my Relationships and Abuse page, a partner who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder is at high risk for committing many forms of domestic abuse and violence. If your partner accepts their disorder and is in qualified long-term professional treatment, I am very supportive of staying in the relationship -- tragically, because of the nature of BPD ("the disorder that exists to deny its disorder"), this is only rarely the case.

It helps neither partner for you to remain and enable the abuse by continuing to tolerate it: your mental and physical health will continue to decline, and your partner will have an excuse to continue avoiding appropriate professional treatment. Many folks with BPD will use any possible connection with a loved one to remain cemented in their dysfunctional emotional coping mechanisms.

Leaving abuse does NOT mean that you are abandoning your partner, it does NOT mean that you are a bad, disloyal person, and it does NOT mean that you are entirely giving up on the relationship, regardless of what your terrified Borderline partner may be telling you. If you feel you are remaining in the relationship for reasons other than affection, please check out Susan Forward's excellent book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You and Patricia Evan's equally good The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond.

Sadly, sometimes the best way to love someone is to leave them. The only comfort to be offered is the knowledge that you are not alone in this extremely heart-wrenching life choice.

Instead of fretting over "abandoning" your Borderline partner, ask yourself the question: until now, why have you been so willing to abandon yourself?

Unfortunately, a majority of people who must choose to terminate their intimate relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder experience some form of post-facto harassment or stalking. This can range from mild to quite severe behavior on the part of the Borderline ex-partner.

The BPD diagnostic criteria of "frantic efforts to avoid abandonment" is nowhere as true as in this particular situation. You may experience wildly fluctuating behaviors, from desperate pleas for you to return, to promises to "change", to violent raging and criminal offenses against your person/property.

Each case and couple are different, depending on the many personality factors involved.

Non-Borderline partners have reported everything from telephone harassment (up to 100 calls a day!) to homicide attempts. Many nonBorderlines report attempts to steal or falsify credit card information, bank accounts, and other material property. Some folks find themselves exposed to numerous "accidental" drive-bys and meetings in public places. Sometimes the family or co-workers of the non-Borderline are targeted for ongoing harassment. Many folks report concerted campaigns to legally discredit their professional standing. Your presence online (email, message boards, chat forums) may be a source of hacking and other attempts to discover personal details. Children are certainly most often the unfortunate battle-ground in cases of divorce and custody disputes.

In the majority of cases, this behavior remains in the arena of telephone harassment and a public smear campaign launched against you with family, mutual friends, and co-workers. However, violence or illegal harassment of some kind against the non Borderline ex-partner occurs so often that one must IN ALL CASES be on one's guard for a worst-case scenario.

It is always best, before leaving your partner, to be aware of some ways to counteract the worst of these potential dangers. Consult with others in similar situations and exercise good, cautious judgment, even when you don't believe your partner could be capable of violence: better safe than sorry!

Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.HTML

Comment (September 27, 2003)

This article was published to the Internet several years ago and was originally written to help identify "Losers" in relationships. The e-mail feedback I have received on the article has been tremendous. It's clear the article is a way of identifying not only "losers" but controlling, abusive, and manipulating individuals. It's also obvious these warning signs are not only found in dating relationships - but in our spouse, our parents, our friends, and our relatives. There are more victims in the environment of the Loser than his or her partner.

I've been contacted for help by the friends and loved ones of people involved in relationships with Losers (controlling and/or abusive partners). The loved ones want to understand the situation and ask for recommendations and guidance. For this group I have recently published "Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser". A link to this article is found at the end of this page.

Obviously, this article has created the need for sequels. I hope to publish a guide to assist Losers who want to change their life and behavior. An article addressing sons and daughters who were parented by Losers is also being planned. If our parent or parents have the characteristics listed in this article, our ability to function as a healthy adult may be hindered due to the dysfunctional family/parent model. My goal is to follow this issue and provide help and guidance to all those involved with controlling and abusive individuals - from partners to extended victims.

Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

"The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

1. Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

9. No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".

12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.

15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.

16. The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

20. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done.

There are more severe if not dangerous versions of "The Loser" that have been identified over the years. If you are involved in a relationship with one of these versions, you may require professional and legal assistance to save yourself.

Physical Abuser Physical abusers begin the relationship with physical moving - shoving, pushing, forcing, etc. That quickly moves into verbal threats with physical gestures - the finger in the face, clinched fist in the face, and voiced physical threats such as "You make me want to break your face!" Eventually, these combine to form actual physical abuse - hitting, slapping, and kicking. "The Loser" is always sorry the next day and begins the mean-then-sweet cycle all over again. Getting away from physical abusers often requires the assistance of family, law enforcement agencies, or local abuse agencies. Female losers often physically attack their partner, break car windows, or behave with such violence that the male partner is forced to physically protect himself from the assault. If the female loser is bruised in the process of self-protection, as when physically restraining her from hitting, those bruises are then "displayed" to others as evidence of what a bad person the partner is and how abusive they have been in the relationship.

Psychotic Losers There are losers that are severely ill in a psychiatric sense - the movie description of the "Fatal Attraction". Some may tell you wild stories and try to convince you that they are connected to The Mob or a government agency (CIA, FBI, etc.). They may fake terminal illness, pregnancy, or disease. They intimidate and frighten you with comments such as "I can have anyone killed..." or "No one leaves a relationship with me...". If you try to end the relationship, they react violently and give you the impression that you, your friends, or your family are in serious danger. People often then remain in the abusive and controlling relationship due to fear of harm to their family or their reputation. While such fears are unrealistic as "The Loser" is only interested in controlling you, those fears feel very real when combined with the other characteristics of "The Loser".

Psychotic or psychiatrically ill losers may also stalk, follow, or harass you. They may threaten physical violence, show weapons, or threaten to kill you or themselves if you leave them. If you try to date others, they may follow you or threaten your new date. Your new date may be subjected to phone harassment, vandalism, threats, and even physical assaults. If you are recently divorced, separated, or recently ended another relationship, "The Loser" may be intimidating toward your ex-partner, fearing you might return if the other partner is not "scared off". Just remember - everything "The Loser" has ever done to anyone will be coming your way. "The Loser" may send you pictures of you, your children, or your family - pictures they have taken secretly - hinting that they can "reach out and touch" those you love. You may need help and legal action to separate from these individuals.

Purpose:

Information will be provided in order to educate the general public as well as offer researchers with a useful resource.

About this website: This stalking site will guide you through the most current information available and offer easy access to on-line references.

For those who need information for research into the area of stalking, citations and references are provided.

This site endeavors towards accuracy and welcomes additions as well as corrections. You are encouraged to send new information. This site will be updated frequently.

Stalking Behavior:

This web site was entitled "Stalking Behavior" to exemplify that stalking is a set of many behaviors (e.g., telephone harassment, sending unwanted gifts, pursuing, or surveillance). The focus on stalking as a set of behaviors helps to demystify the phenomenon which offers a degree of understanding and control for the observer.

Another aspect of stalking behaviors that needs to be explained is that such behaviors can be produced by individuals with very different backgrounds, motivations, and psychological disorders. In other words, a stalker who harbors delusions that the victim is in love with him (or her) performs behaviors that are often similar to an ex-partner who seeks revenge for being rejected.

http://onour.com/stalking/index.htm

http://love-addiction.com/loveaddict34.HTML

PSYCHOLOGICAL ADDICTION:

Love creates and evokes many different emotions in us. Basically the love of another makes us feel safe, protected from the world, trusted, full of joy, and complete. For the love addict these feelings create a feeling of "high". It alters their moods, creates in them an euphoria, makes them feel on top of the world. It far surpasses simple comfort but becomes a security blanket. It surpasses joyfulness and becomes a feeling of intoxification. When these feelings are removed the "addict" will go to any length to get them back. The addiction is transferred to the thing that gave it to them, the ex, the relationship, sex, or being in love itself. Life without this person, relationship, etc., is not worth living (at least from the addict's point of view). It doesn't matter to them that their "fix" is participating or not, they desperately need to regain the love. The need of regaining this love precludes any other need. The addict is often obsessed with finding the world in one lover. They quickly attach themselves to the object of their love, often taking on the identity of their romance interest.

Some common characteristics of love/people/relationship addiction:

*Consuming or obsessive thoughts of the object of your love

• Avoidance of the loss of this love
• Seeking to avoid rejection or abandonment at all cost
• Manipulation to regain this love
• Extreme dependency on this love
• Perceives love and relationship as a basic human need
• Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
• Feelings of not being whole outside of a relationship
• Extremely accepting of abuse, often putting rational explanations to irrational treatment from another
• Defining "wants" as "needs"
• Refusal to acknowledge these as a problem

I have recently ended a relationship due to having BDP. My emotional outbursts over guys of my girls fb page led me to leave abusive voicemails and email some of her friends slandering her.

I was in a daze for a week, still thinking that she was the ill party. When I did some research I realised I was most likely the offender.

Im am in therapy and making swift progress. My only sorrow and regret is that I lost a wonderful, caring, loving and awesome girl. I've explained the disorder to her to only have the past events brought up over and over. How do I repair the mess I caused?

Other than being a criminal there is nothing so bad that should make you want to disappear.

It would be far more enlightening if you would repost and let us know why you want to disappear. Sometimes the problems you think you can't resolve without basically "getting lost" is something we can help you with. Sometimes one can't see the forest for the trees.

Before you decide to such a thing, think of people that love you. Not hearing from you would alarm more people in your life than you ever could imagine. Even angry words from parents, a sibling, spouse, etc., doesn't mean they don't love you. To disappear without a trace (short of being a criminal or hiding from someone that will do you harm) is cruel and selfish.

There is one way to disappear. Move to another country. I really hope you do take me up on the offer to repost. Do you have the courage to tell us why you want to disappear?

Marcy

I am not putting you down when I say, "are you being dramatic over this" and is it just a few girls accusing you of this? Young girls can often be dramatic and gossip. If a handful of girls sees a guy that is shy, awkward and trying to make friends they will sometimes think the guy is strange or odd in some way. Kids can be cruel.

The question is .... do you stalk girls? Stalking girls is following them around; phoning them and bothering them; emailing them constantly when they don't want to hear from you. That's stalking!

Are you just shy and how do you act around girls? Do you think you deserve the label of "stalker?"

It helps to express yourself to us on this board. We don't know you, will not trace you or bother you, so please, just spit it out and let me know what type of person you are. If you are shy, feel awkward around girls don't get too upset. Many guys are shy and you need to pick out another shy type of guy to hang around with and get out and have some fun. Get away from the computer and live a little life. I also want to remind you that although going to school is stressful for some and there is a great deal of peer pressure, school isn't forever, and if you have been unduly labeled as a stalker, once you change grades or get out of school you don't have to take this.

If you are truly innocent of this I wish you would talk to your parents. If these girls are labeling you unfairly your parents can go to the police and bring this out into the open. Creating misery in someones life by lies is called "harassment" and these girls can be stopped as long as there is no validation to their claim.

I sure hope I hear from you and I would like to help you. Please tell me a little more about yourself.

ThanksMarcy

This whole incident happened with this girl l really liked in school. i have liked her for a really long time and was always too scared to speak to her as have heard her comment something about me. So i just used to try to catch a glimpse of her whenever i could. when i was really lucky she would walk on the opposite of me when i was going somewhere. what puzzled me though is that she always used to look behind her.

This carried on for a long time until the idiocy of someome at school i thought she found out so i asked a friend of hers and mine what to do and he told me somthing that really shocked me. from there the infatuation with her went way but whenever i saw her i managed to say hello and she smiled. i was so happy.

then a period of confusion came as the same guy told me to quit on her so i wrote her a letter just because i would scare her if i told her imperson and it would be less embarressing.

anyway things all went downhill from there and have absolutley no idea what to do

I am a little perlexed that you said you just ended up smiling and saying hello to her, yet in a next sentence you said you wrote her a letter so as not to scare her as much as if you told her in person. May I ask what you said in that letter? Young women of today don't really feel getting a letter is that cool, and often, young women are so immature and overly dramatic they would show their girlfriends and have giggle over it (quite pleased with herself I would say.)

To say the least some women of all ages can be fickle as hell! I am female, and I'll admit it, but would never hurt anyone's feelings. This is a younger woman, so she is just learning by making her own mistakes in life just like anyone in your age group.

Here's a little secret about single women. Many young women really enjoy a mysterious guy called the "bad boy" that is a "hard catch" and it's called "the excitement of the chase." What I am telling you is ... don't try pleasing this young woman so much and, in fact, ignore her! The more you ignore her and the more of a mystery you are to some women the more they are interested. This young woman is immature, fickle, a drama queen, and as the old saying goes "One does protest too much" she is quite tickled to get the letter, but letting on to her friends that she doesn't really think it's cool and doesn't feel the same about you. It's time to walk away from this girl and get on with your life.

There are many more women in this world than men, and you have just begun to experience women and have a long ways to go. While you may feel you are deeply in love with this young woman, chances are you will meet someone much better that will treat you with the respect you deserve.

What has ever happened to you is not reason enough to lose yourself somewhere out in this vast world. NO WOMAN OR ANYONE is worth that! You should be treated decently, with the respect you give others, and sometimes, none of us get what we give and that's just the way of the world. If we didn't meet the odd ego-maniac out there or someone that tromps on another's feelings, we wouldn't know when the real thing came along.

I am so sorry you were put down by this girl and I would appreciate it if you could give me a run-down on what you said in the letter. As I said before, no one on this board knows you, so you are safe with what you say.

There are many wonderful young men out there that wear their heart on their sleeves, and you seem to be one of them, but unfortunately, young women can be silly (every so often ... when the moon and stars are right) you might bump into a very mature young woman. There is nothing wrong with a young man having deep feelings of love for a woman and later, when most women mature and know more of what they want in a man you'd be on their "A list."

Hope to hear from you soon.

Hang in thereMarcy

I think I know what is wrong with this whole situation. You are simply "ahead of your time." Don't get me wrong, when I tell you that you don't fit in with the people your own age. They are still immature, learning, and afraid of being "uncool" by expressing their feelings such as you do. This DOES NOT make you an outcast. You need to find friends (perhaps a little older) that think along the lines that you do. There are a lot of deep thinkers out there and the word "wise" has no age preference. In other words, it's not just reserved for the older generations.

What you said in your letter was a lovely thing to say. However, when asked on this board by a young man/woman if they should write a letter to one they are attracted too, I will always tell them not to do it. Love letters or expressions of ones love amd should be retained until the two people are going together. Young women are often fickle and "need to tell" others to make themselves look important and the most beautiful or handsome person on the face of the earth. Usually these are not the true inner feelings of that individual, but they feel they need to act the part of being "cool" and unruffled. So, instead of being flattered, or, in your case a little confused about your letter and approaching you about it, she ridiculed you to get attention (she's just young and foolish and really means no harm.) Young women can often be drama queens and young men can often be egotistical and sometimes be the type that drink beer, belch and crush beer cans on their foreheads. LOL

I want to be honest with you and if you put the quote "a coward faces death many times but a courageous man tastes death only once" in her letter (wasn't sure if you had) it is one quote I do understand and you put it well. However, in the age group this young woman is in, she would not appreciate such a quote and she probably misunderstood it. Perhaps from that quote she and her friends think you may kill yourself over her. Have you ever thought of that? I know what you meant by it, but they sure didn't.

I am glad that you have moved on from her. As I said, you are a young man ahead of your time and I call people such as you "old souls." This means the person's body is young, but they have a soul of a wise old person. Someone special! Don't ever change, and all you need to do is let your body mature enough to fit your brain! LOL The words that you have used aren't words that usually come out of a young person. Most people that love poetry, quotes, etc., keep it to themselves. I have been on poetry sites and found some beautiful poems by the young, but many don't have the courage to talk about them to their friends.

It's bothers me that you would use that particular quote, "even though I'm no better than a beast, don't I have the right to live." I know it's not an odd choice you made, but how you feel inside. Why would you feel this way?

I have to laugh at many of the youth today (just like the 60's) when I grew up. They don't want to be part of the establishment because they hate what they see so they go too far over to the left. I look at them (even back then) and have a little chuckle and think to myself, "you are no different than the establishment. The rules have changed, but you're just carbon copies of each other." Yup, they all dressed the same, gave the same peace sign, and ran around off and on buck naked with flowers in their hair. The strive to be different, but they really aren't. They remain followers and only a certain few become leaders in this outbreak of "being oneself."

I am 64 years old, and I've learned that if you are a kind individual and care about things, there is a time when you can spread those words of wisdom on society, but the timing has to be right. I still make mistakes over that one! I have also learned that one should be true to themselves and NEVER change who they are for any group or individual.

I hope you will answer me yet once again as I am concerned about that last quote you made. I don't want you to go away thinking you are the Hunchback of Notre Dame! You aren't. You're an "old soul." I would advice you to loosen up a little, have some fun, and don't take life too, too seriously at your age. You have many years ahead for this.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Be strong!Marcy

just to clarify i didnt write the coward quote in the letter i was just using it for inspiration when deciding what to to do in the situation. you see i could never speak to her but then when i did i was real nervous and when i went to do it.... i froze, so i thought im tired of this and i want my sanity back. I wrote the letter to just tell her how i feel and just get it overwith as i didnt like just doing nothing. remember that shocking truth i found out? shes bi! so i just thought its getting ridiculious and put an end to it. don't call me silly for this but i also wrote the letter for another reason because 5 days after i found out this truth my beloved cat of 7 years died of poisioning so i took it as a sign of god saying i shouldn't love so by the time i wrote the letter i just didnt care i was partially dead inside. once the letter was passed on the guy who was helping me just said she mentioned that i gave her a letter. i didnt know what to think and just waited for a reply. what im about to tell you is really hard for me and you may judge me and the other people on the board may as well. where her crew sits and hangs out is opposite a drinking fountain so whenever i went over for a drink of water i would take a look over at her. i would do this quite a few times until one day one of her lackeys told me to stop because im scaring her (this was after the letter) i know youre probably thinking "well its your own fault for doing that" but theres nothing wrong in looking and its not like i was going to harm her. but then what i was doing isn't wrong but it is frowned upon and she did have a right to say you are putting me off. however SHE should have been the one to tell me and they could have been alot nicer about it. i went over to her one day and apologised and here i am today. because of all these transgretions i have stayed hidden and have watched who i speak to as they may be another one of her friends. someone did say though if you don't here it directly from her then youre ok and girls get catty when you take intrest in their friends and not them but i have just 'disappeared' to be on the safe side. i hope at least deep down i made her happy when i gave her the letter but as a result im branded a bunny boiler by her friends and her. she'll be the one to tell her kids about me 'the stalker'.

I meant by the beast quote is that since i am just an average guy with a leg prob and after what i did (the beast) don't i have the right to do as i wish?

the thing is that after all that has happened i feel like a real piece garbage and i feel ashamed as im getting judged for my actions.

how can people be so cruel?

I didn't think you put that quote in the letter, but had to check.

Because this girl is bi she is really out of your league and I don't mean anything against you by that. Most heterosexuals don't want to get mixed up in this. You seem shy, not too experience with women and you sure don't want to slip into her world. I believe "bi" is a choice one makes consciously and they are not gay. Some people like to experiment in sexuality and each to their own as long as they don't hurt the innocent.

God IS LOVE and he was giving you no such sign that you shouldn't keep loving. Right now it just appears that everything you love is either running away from you or dying on you. You are just grieving right now, but the pain will cease. Think of it this way, God is giving you signs to stay clear of this girl as he has better things in store for you. Life is about being born, living and experiencing things, then getting old and hopefully wiser and then we die. If we have great faith we know that's not the end of things.

I certainly don't think you are silly for being upset over your dear pet cat dying. Losing a best friend such as you had in your cat is devastating. I own two dogs and a cat. One dog is a 20 lb. Bichon Frize by the name of Tootsie and my male dog is a Cockapoo cross, named Booker T. and my sweet cat Molly (nicknamed "The Incredible Molly Brown" are like children to us. My husband I have had to put other dear pets to sleep and it leaves a big hole in ones home and heart and both of us have a good cry over it. I suggest you go to your ASPCA if you are in the States, or the SPCA if you are in Canada, and get another cat. There are many cats out there (adults) and they have such beautiful personalities. These cats could sure use a good home and are grateful for it. That would help you a bit. I know you can't replace a pet, but you have love to give and I suggest, when you are ready to get another cat.

I know it seems between this girl and losing you beautiful pet you feel your life is at an end and you'd like to disappear off the end of the earth, but please, believe in an old broad like me, when I tell you, that if you did such a thing you would be missing out on a wonderful part of your life. High School is not forever and these people that are giving you problems will be a faint memory (if anything) when you get older. There is a wonderful life for you out there if you'll just be patient and when that special girl comes along then seize the moment. One day you will meet that special someone, get engaged, get married and have a family of your own. You have much to give, so don't waste it on the likes of these malcontents poking fun and bullying you.

No one is judging you on this board, and the other poster said it in a nut shell ... you have every right to look at anyone you wish. You didn't harm her. Please believe me when I tell you, this girl is a piece of work, and by getting her lackey to come over and threaten you, it makes her feel important in the eyes of her peers. She's nothing more than immature, confused (lordy, she doesn't even know what sex she prefers) and is playing head games with her own peers. You'd think they'd catch on. As I said before you are out of your league with this girl and her gang of malcontents. Move on! You deserve better!

After receiving your letter anyone who was mature would have kept what was in that letter private and a mature person would have confronted you about it and either told you they liked you or that no, they didn't like you. She is nothing more than a drama queen trying to look important in the eyes of her peers. She wants to send the message, "See, I'm so cool, that this guy is sending me a love letter and I can't shake him." She may not even mean all this, but she's got to say something to look important and get those peers of her sucked into her mind games and unfortunately, you are the target of her little game. Don't allow it! You are in total control of your own destiny.

Writing letters re your feelings should always be reserved for a girlfriend that you truly love and not to someone you are just attracted too. Writing your feelings down on paper is proof it was you, and so many young girls are so immature and would show the letter around. A girl that loves you may let a favorite friend see it only because she's proud and thrilled by it or she may well just keep it private.

I am glad you are staying away from this bunch because if you don't, you could get into some very serious trouble. Gangs (and even gangs of girls) can be brutal and you just never know how far they will carry out a threat against you. You friend gave you poor advice, and yes, girls can be catty, but this isn't the game this chick is playing. She's playing a very dangerous game at your expense and I don't think she realizes that perhaps a couple of her peers may just decide to take things into their own hands and deal with you. Again, I cannot stress the importance of staying away from this group.

What is a "bunny boiler?" I'm a little behind on the terms the young kids use these days.

You are an intelligent and gentle young man, and I'm shocked that you would ever believe she is ever going to tell her kids that you stalked her. As I said before, we leave high school, then we get out in life, land a job and all the garbage that went on in high school is soon forgotten. People change, and hopefully she will mature as most of the kids will in school.

Your leg problem is no excuse to hide-out in your own little world. I have a sneaking suspicion that you are a loner (whether it's because of your leg problem or you're just shy) but you certainly are an intellect and far too mature for these silly games in high school. Bide your time! Don't use that leg problem as holding you back. We have a new Mayor of Vancouver, British Columbia who is in a wheel chair and he's a darn good Mayor! There are many famous people with afflictions. In some ways, we all limp through life from time-to-time. It's time to get away from the computer, get out in life, look around high school and see other students that you may have more in common with. All the students can't dislike you. You just find this girl exciting because she's different. Stick with what you know for now.

Quit feeling embarrassed and ashamed! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! You put your heart on your sleeve, but it was just the wrong place at the wrong time. As I mentioned in a previous post you are an "old soul" so you react differently than many of your peers, but this doesn't mean you are strange in any way. NEVER let anyone take away your dignity or change who you are!!!!! You are in charge of your own destiny, so come on boyo .... get that steam going again and be as strong as I know you are!

Get use to some people being cruel, because it won't be the last time you will see this whether it happens to you, someone you know or a total stranger. The upside is, there are whole lot of wonderful people out there if you are willing too look, listen and digest what they are saying. Good people give off good vibes, just as cruel people give off negative vibes.

I sure hope to hear from you. It does you good to talk on this board and get our opinions. Many of us have been hurt in school, and I'm one of them, but, I never faltered once. I could have joined the "in crowd" at high school, but found them useless, sometimes cruel, full of themselves and actually pretty damned dumb. I decided not to join the group and I was ridiculed, never made cheerleader because of it, but I knew in my heart I was my own person, and that one day I'd be out in the world and these people would be but a shadow of a memory and I wasn't about to let them ruin my life. How right I was!

Hang in there and be strong!Marcy

the term bunny boiler is from the film 'fatal attraction' where a married man hooks up with a woman for the weekend for a one night stand, only problem is that the woman becomes obsessed with him and follows him home and writes i love you in menstual blood on his wall, he also boils his pet rabbit andd leaves it to simmer on the table.

don't think me sad for this but i still care about her. i wont be doing anything to encourage this. ie hanging around to look at her or saying hi or even seeing her if i can help it. i just cant seem to let go but then that's the case with most people. i don't love her anymore but i care if you know what i mean.

i really appreciate when you call me intelligent because i don't think i have made alot of wise desicions as of late but i know what youre gonna say 'that's why we make mistakes so we can learn from them' but ive made too many mistakes and may cost me a great deal of my lifetime.

by the way i don't spend all the time on the computer i spend a majority of time but i just have alot of questions that my friends/parents cant answer.

the loner comment you made sort of rung a bell cause when i was in primary school my leg problem was really bad (its spastic triplegia, a result of ceberal palsy) i was made fun of so i spent most of my time on my own which leads me to where i am today. i consider myself fairly well known and generally well liked but im not exactly a socialite but that's only because i don't want to be (too tiring!). im pretty wary of trusting people (especially now) as im self concious of my problem. my dad says to me the other day 'if you want a little female attention then you should cast your net far and wide' i said after what happened ill probably get a fishing ban. my sis prattles on and on about her 'suitors' are players and how fit they are. i just say hello and she said your a nice guy and you'll be a nice guy when youre older. i thought great im really stuffed now. women don't want nice guys! you know the guys that think they have alot of girlfriends cause they tell him their probs? they only tell him cause they think hes gay!

i still want to disappear as i lack a purpose amd feel depressed most of the time

I missed talking to you and was getting worried about you. You see, when I answer some serious posts on here and there is a big lull in between my imagination plays a little on me, and although I can't save the world I often feel I have let that person down in some ways. Not everything I say is 100% right, but I do think deep and hard and say things from my heart, yet I can be blunt so I give the best I've got to the person in trouble. Also another poster can improve on my answer.

Well, I must say you certainly do have one heck of a good sense of humor (made me giggle here and there in your post) even though you are feeling very depressed right now, so I'd sure like to know how wild your sense of humor gets when you are not feeling depressed!

I remember that movie "Fatal Attraction" and it was a good one, but I felt badly about that poor bunny. Hey, I learned something new "bunny boiler" and now I can drive my friends whacky with that one because they won't know what it means either. LOL

You have to ask yourself why you are so attracted to this particular girl. It's time you stopped thinking about caring about her so much and be brutally honest about why you can't seem to get her out of your mind especially after the way she has treated you. I think somewhere in your heart you feel if you try hard enough to can win her over to your side, but why? She has made a choice of who she is in her life (at least for the time being.)

I truly do feel you are highly intelligent. Now using that great intelligence you have you tell me of one person that hasn't made a score of mistakes through their lives? Have you ever studied "Martin Luther King?" I admire this man a great deal and so I studied up on him. I was amazed after he gained a large following that he was on the road at long periods of time on racial/freedom/peace speeches. Little did he know that the blacks in Chicago were running against him and angry that they felt Martin Luther was full of himself and had left them in the dust. Of course this wasn't true and Martin Luther King had just made a mistake. He couldn't be all things to all people, and he was exhausted. So, what did he do? As exhausted as he was he did go to Chicago and made a great effort to give his support, but unfortunately it was a little too late and the blacks in particular didn't accept him as well as blacks in other cities and towns. It was at this point in time that Martin Luther King slipped into a great depression. He felt he had let his black comrades in Chicago down and he was questioning himself as to whether he was doing any good at all and was all his work for not. The depression lasted for some time and he actually became ill over it. He wasn't a quitter! That's what frightened some people about him. These people needed to be frightened, and think of this ... Martin Luther King wanted peace in this world (something I personally feel we can't attain because of the way some human beings are) but he tried and I respected him highly for this. He made more ground on trying to get people of all races and getting people out there to try peace for a change instead of violence than he will ever know. The fact he was assassinated was a sure sign he was getting somewhere. I told you this story about Martin Luther King, so you could see what a difference some people can make and you are one of those people that can make a vast change in the world and the world is limping along and not doing so well. We can all make small changes for the better. So, to be depressed is simply a part of life, but then we have to get up, dust ourselves off and get going again. Yup, we'll make more mistakes, but we learn from them!

So, you think you are the only one who has made some major mistakes in your life? Well boyo, this gal can sure tell you a story of two. I never hurt another person intentionally (but did hurt my parents by my idiotic actions when younger many times) but I learned my lessons well and moved on and strengthened my inner self and once older became not just the daughter of my parents but a friend. We laughed together and those very mistakes I made and caused them to worry were the height of teasing me endlessly about them and we would break up laughing. There were friends I let down, classes I failed because I was a smart-ass and skipped classes. I married a man that my family and friends begged me not to marry simply because I thought I could change him and I realized later what a waste of life I'd done to myself later. The man was abusive, mentally/physically and a cheater. Still, I trudged on and learned from this and now I have met and been married to a wonderful man for 34 years. There are actually times in my life now when I look back on some of my mistakes and it's enough to make a hooker blush! LOL For a short time, but only for a short time I am embarrassed all over again. I am still making mistakes, but learning from them. Now, if I hurt a friend without realizing it I own up to my mistake and make a genuine effort to apologize, and if I screw up in any other aspect of my life I try to rectify that as best I can too. That's all one should expect from themselves or others.

If you have a lot of questions that your family or friends can't answer why don't you run them by us. There are a lot of intelligent people on this board from all over the world.

We all limp through life boyo (in one way or the other.) I know how cruel kids can be in school when someone has an affliction. These kids don't even remember it anymore, so why should you? I have one girlfriend that is married to a paraplegic, another to a man that is blind, and they love each other more than a lot of people that can walk and see. So what is your excuse????? There are things you can do to help your leg and you know what it is ... therapy! Work out! You may always limp to a degree, but so what! Truthfully, (I do remember when I was younger. LOL) I wouldn't hesitate to date a guy with a limp, one arm, or no hand, etc. If I liked him a lot it just wouldn't matter. As my husband and I grow older together we know we are running out of luck with our health (no matter how well one looks after themselves) but we enjoy each other, laugh and hug life to us so we don't let it slip through our fingers. Each minute, hour, day, week and the years to pass are so, so important (mistakes and all.) He's balding, has false teeth, but he looks hot to me! I am getting older, a little gray in my hair, and a few wrinkles and a little heavier than when I was younger, but he still sees me at 28 years old (when he met me.) As we mature, most people see the genuine personality of that person and not the limp or that they are blind or in a wheel chair. You won't be super young forever.

Your dad is so right ... spread that net! There are so many more women in this world than men. I laughed so hard at your "fishing ban" comment to your dad. Good one! That's how my husband and I joke with each other. We 3 have the same sense of humor.

You're sister is impulsive and immature right now, but loves you and is trying to help you whether you realize it or not. I have a sneaking suspicion she wants you to work out just like I do. You can strengthen body parts very well if you put your mind to it. No one is asking you to be a "jock", but just strengthen those muscles in your leg. So you go through life with one bulging leg, and a good leg that's skinny! LOL

I still have male friends and I go over a few problems with them and I don't think they're gay and I had male friends growing up. We were more like brother and sister, but certainly not gay. However, I do see what you mean and as the old quote says when you're looking for love in all the wrong places, "I have enough friends, I don't need more!" You are at the age where you want a girlfriend of your very own. You see your sister dating and some of you friends and you ponder as to why you don't have one. Many guys and girls, fall in love with people that are playing hard to get or they are mysterious and sort of out of reach for them. It's the name of the game and most of us have been through it.

Now, I gave you the story of Martin Luther King for a reason! I think there is much more to you (inside) than even you realize at this point in your life. I am asking you if you would consider volunteering? I want you to choose something like working in programs with the Vietnam Vets (they'll set you straight and if what you see there ... broken limbs, no limbs, broken minds and hearts) doesn't do it for ya, then try volunteering in the children's ward of a hospital and see little ones fighting for their lives and some dying of cancer! I want you to volunteer just like I have and many of my friends (it keeps us centered! No pity parties for us!) You need to see what real suffering is all about and most of those vets would give everything they have if they are missing a leg to have your one crippled leg. Most children dying of cancer or fighting cancer would rather have a leg like yours than be where they are. Sometimes we need a rude awakening and that's why I volunteered at the Abused Women's Center in my area. It keeps me balanced.

I know there is something else bothering you, so why don't you just let it all hang out. I for one care!

I hope to hear from you and I hope you will listen to me about volunteering. You will be surprised how much better you feel within yourself and how many wonderful people give their time to help others that are less fortunate and there are lots and lots of young girls there I might add. Right now you go to school, don't work, and feel you aren't in the stream of life (that's normal) so get out and get in the stream and I'm sure they'll be no fishing ban going on. That only happens in British Columbia, Canada! LOL

Hope to hear from you soon.

Stay strongMarcy

for all those who don't know me although marcy has answered a question of mine before. my names john

im glad i could make you laugh as i try to make most people laugh.

the thing with the girl is i just cant forget about her as she is the first girl that i have actually liked and just cant let go. dispite what she did or maybe did not do. her friend who told me to get lost is the jealous type and has been acting very funny around me (meaning having a really guilty look on her face, hell she can't look me in the face). just because she isn't getting any male attention shes being a cow! ive still 'disappeared' in school and have no intention of reappearing. guess what? im being pittied because of what happened so im definitly gone for good! all i want to do is get to know the girl not hook up with her. im too inexperienced to go 'fishing' and after what happened i can never trust a girl or anyone for that matter again.

I really don't believe there is anyone out there for me because im different and most girls only want 'jocks' (players where i come from) (im English btw) who get drunk on 'wife beater' (Stella artois) and treat them like complete rubbish. most girls are shallow, immature and vain anyway so they deserve it. they havent got time for guys like me.

Well a Brit, EH!!!! (how can you tell I'm Canadian. LOL) It's nice getting to know you.

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

You sure do have a good sense of humor and intelligent to boot. So, I find it hard that you are feeling so depressed. Instead of being "the good old chap" around your friends and making them laugh or being a good listener, it's time you took care of yourself and saved some of those good qualities for a special girl that I KNOW will come into your life.

It appears that this girl you are so interested in (being bi) is mixed up with what we call "butches" (females trying to be males) but to be polite we just say "gay." There is nothing bitchier than a butch and so now you are dealing with this girl's friend. I've been to gay clubs that one of my male friends took me too and I almost got into a lot of trouble. I wasn't use to this sort of scene, so when a man finally did ask me to dance I was relieved. Unfortunately, this tall, strong looking man happened to be gay (I was young at the time) and his "lady" came over and was furious he was dancing with me. When she asked ME what I was doing with her man, I turned around and stood looking up to a 5' 10" tall, burly looking guy that could have ripped the posts out of the dance floor. Thank heavens my friend came to save the day, but I was angry at him for not preparing me for this sort of night life. I just didn't know the rules at the time. Now when I look back I have a good chuckle over it.

John, I think you are bored in your own skin and you have picked this girl out for safetys sake because you know you can't have her and from the way she's treating you why bother? This girl is nothing but cruel because she is well aware of what she says and does and what is going on with the actions towards her. Sometimes it's just nature and we may want something in life we can't have, but dream a little dream about it.

Now why would you want to be pitied? I think it's a bad choice of words, and others that see what has become of this situation simply feel badly that it happened to you and that it's this so-called girl you care about that is the root of the cause. If you can't see this, then the care from others will vanish quickly. I can't help but feel you are on a road of destruction by your own hand.

I don't know if you've had other bad experiences with girls and now a bad experience with this girl, but did you ever ask yourself the question that you are walking on the wild side? You seem to be choosing the "bad girl" or "untouchable girls" in your life and you know it even before you get started. You have to ask yourself why! What's wrong with a pretty girl that is kind and considerate and how do you know someone in that school that has those qualities isn't interested in you?

Sorry, not buying "all girls want jocks" because it's simply not true! I dare you to go into shops where you live and look around. There are plain girls, plain guys, some thin, some fat, some nice girls that are good looking with plain guys and they are together. Searching for someone that you care about and that cares about you isn't easy and we all have to go through it. These types of people just don't drop out of thin air and if we aren't out there circulating and giving ourselves a chance to know different people then we won't get that chance.

Of course in your age group girls are immature, shallow and vain. Many are just silly and immature while others are vain, but not all. It's part of growing up. When I met my second husband he was 4 years younger than me. I didn't know it at the time since he was 23 and I was almost 28. We knew we loved each other and he was so shy I had to not just go out with him, but his 2 friends (great guys) and it was exhausting for me because I had to dance with all three of them! LOL Finally, he had the nerve to just go out on a one-to-one date with me and nature took it's course from there. I was patient and kind and didn't push and just let him be who he was. I was very extroverted and so I didn't really have a shy problem at this stage of my life (but was extremely shy in my teens.)

Sometimes we misinterpret what others are feeling towards us. We may think they hardly like us never mind expecting them to go out with us, but sometimes it's because they are too shy or perhaps they've been hurt in love before as well.

John, I just don't see you as a quitter! That's what you are trying to convince yourself to be!!!! You would rather have the students at school pity you, than stand up with a determined chin out and your head held high no matter what anyone does to you. That's dignity! You would rather give up on girls, then search elsewhere to find someone worthy of your attention?

You never mentioned if you would consider volunteering somewhere and I think it would do you the world of good. Not only are you helping others, but you meet some great people and that includes girls!

I need not tell you that you are going to have to find a girl on the same intellectual level as yourself or the relationship will grow stale. You aren't any different than a lot of people John. You are just making yourself different.

Did you ever see the movie "A Beautiful Mind?" Well, that's what I see in you and you're wasting yours. Of course you are going to have some difficulties at your age (we all did) but, before you know it you'll be old enough and independent enough to make your own destiny come true if you work at it. You just have to have patience.

So, what are these terrible things you feel you've screwed up in, and why don't you trust SOME girls?

I'm still here!

Marcy

Thank you to all the helpful and generous people who shared their personal experience on this page. Your input is invaluable to others who have been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and the people who share their lives. It is also extremely helpful and full of information for anyone who suspects they may have the disorder. Knowledge is power.

Adult ADD and Relationships

I am 23 years old and was recently diagnosed with adult ADD. After all the years of being criticized for not paying attention, zoning out and being useless I feel relieved to know there is a reason. I have been reading through this site and it really helps to hear others with the same problems I have been experiencing.

My main problem seems to be my temper and sensitivity to criticism. At the moment I am struggling not to argue with my partner. I wonder if anyone feels the same. I can be fine one minute then explode the next if my partner keeps going on about the same thing that I have done wrong etc. I get so worked up that I have impulsive reactions and want to storm off then ten minutes later will want to be normal again.

My partner often gets annoyed because he misinterprets a lot of things I say and tells me that I have to think before I speak, but I find it hard as I don't believe I am saying anything wrong because he has misunderstood.

I am finding it really difficult and wonder if anyone has found any good coping strategies. I also get really frustrated as I do things a different way to other people and my partner thinks that it isn't a logical way to do whatever the task is and is forever checking everything I do. This infuriates me and makes me feel suffocated and useless. I have just started taking Straterra which I have had for 2 months now. I have seen some improvements in my reactions but tend to lapse now and then. Also I have been getting side effects I wondered if anyone else had.

I've also been diagnosed with Adult ADD though I'm certain I've had this problem for as long as I can remember. My spouse and I have had many, many difficulties throughout our eighteen year marriage stemming from ADD related issues; specifically my inability to finish projects I start, forgetfulness, daydreaming or 'zoning out,' laziness, anti-social tendencies, lack of consideration, etc. And we too have come close to separating a couple of times.

The hardest thing I've had to deal with once I acknowledged that I really did have a legitimate problem and not just a weak character was getting my spouse and other family to understand that a mental or emotional disorder, such as ADD, depression or anxiety, can be just as debilitating as any physical disability, if not worse. I mean, if you have a heart attack or just break a bone, it's obvious to those around you that you have a genuine medical problem. But with ADD and related illnesses, there is no cast, no x-rays, no apparent indications. It's easier to dismiss your problems as laziness, contrariness, PMS, or whatever excuse is handy, rather than to take the time and effort required to educate oneself. Imagine telling a stroke victim to "just deal with it, everyone has problems," or "if you really wanted to/cared about it, you'd get it done."

It's still frustrating to no end, but my spouse is now supportive, most of the time, because when I first sought treatment, I brought home booklets and pamphlets galore from my psychiatrist for him to read, e-mailed him articles I found online about ADD and the ways to treat it and most importantly, I talked to him about it until I got his attention. He's put up with a lot more than most men would. And I'm lucky to have him.

I don't waste my time on ignorant people who don't take me or my disorder seriously, or who vehemently insist that I should stop making excuses and just "get over it." And I don't think anyone else should have to put up with it either.

I have an IQ well above average, I'm creative and talented, and I'm raising three beautiful, healthy, and gifted children. All this and I'm being treated for ADD, anxiety, and a severe lifelong case of depression. When I inevitably run across a closed-minded individual who dares to tell me what I should do or how I should live, I've learned to grit my teeth and bear it, all the while asking myself 'who really has the weak character here?'

Unfortunately, I will admit that if you haven't lived with ADD yourself, or depression, it's not an easy thing to understand or deal with. So, difficult as it may be, sometimes we need to cut these "normal" people some slack. In the meantime, I'd recommend making some new friends, a support network, if you will. It helps, a lot.

Now that I've been diagnosed at 23 with ADD it explains a lot of the relationship problems I've had with my fiancé for the past 6 years. Where to even begin? I have an inability to do those extra things he asks me to do. I forget to run errands quite frequently, even the really important ones. When driving I'm very easily distracted which irritates, and at times scares him. I swerve and almost rear-end other cars.

I lose bills and have a hard time keeping the house clean. The worst part by far is my forgetfulness. I forget conversations, what I'm saying in the middle of a sentence, and things I've said just seconds before. Now that we know what is wrong with me, he's a lot more patient with me. He finally understands that those annoying little things I do aren't really my fault. I've recently started taking Straterra and can't believe the difference in my life. I'm starting to see what it's like to function like a "normal" person.

My husband has been trying to understand what I am dealing with. He feels that if I wanted to change I could, but this type of pressure aggravates my problems. The blaming gets us nowhere. I have a hard time following through until a task is complete. I can't seem to accomplish much but I am exhausted trying. This pressure causes sexual problems as well, no interest when I feel so bad about myself.

I am a 34 year old father of twins who was diagnosed with A.D.D four years ago. My son also has ADD. My relationship with my family was very difficult. We have been married for 14 years. I was too manly to admit that a pill was the answer although it was. I was originally taking it daily, things went well. I stopped, things went really rough. I would yell, blame others for my shortcomings and just not respect other's opinions. My wife held it together. She had to deal with her husband and son. She is a trooper through thick and thin. Family counseling, couples counseling and individual sessions with a psychologist has helped keep us a family. Now we are the road to a pleasant life.

The road is not without some pot holes. If I or my son forget our meds things can get somewhat ugly. We start with not doing daily things, easy things that cause friction in our home. Homework is not completed, dad did not check it. Both of us are now falling backwards into the past behaviors. With our medication on board we do pretty well.

After reading some of the other replies I completely agree that it is very difficult for a non-ADD person to understand this illness. As far as my life experience, I was diagnosed at 36 (now 37) and I wish the answers available to me now, were available to me then. With medication and the understanding of others that I even had a disorder, life would have been drastically different for me 20+ years ago.

I deal with a lot of anger resulting from the treatment I went through because I was labeled your typical problem child. I cried many nights not knowing why I was acting the way I was, but also realized it didn't stop but only escalated my acting out. Let's say I had a serious attitude and that's sugar coated. It has been very very difficult to break my coping habits as an adult. For years I lashed out at anyone who dared get in my face and whew! Temper temper! I still feel the need to protect myself this way and I can't stand it.

I have worked very very hard to stop and learn new ways to deal and progress is slow but I am moving forward. I am twice divorced with four children. Lord, let me tell you I would have never had children knowing I had ADD. It is very very hard. I have 3 boys all ADHD (ages 18, 7, 4.) with the 4 year old being the absolute worst case yet. He would drive a normal adult nuts and in dealing with his behaviour plus being ADD there are days I feel I will lose it. My daughter, age 11, shows no signs yet.

I am in a new relationship for about 10 months now and he is having difficulty understanding me. He often says he will have a life of high intensity drama if we stay together. He told me last night I seek out ways to destroy relationships. I guess this could be true and I won't deny his reasoning for thinking it. I am not violent but I do speak my mind and I am quick tempered. Sometimes following a day of extremely bad behavior by my 4 year old I am ready and looking for someone to steam at just so I can relieve stress, cry, fight, do whatever is necessary to release the anger and resentment.

I didn't know that I had ADD until about a year ago. I have the same historical background as others who share this disorder with me. I am constantly in a state of rush no matter whether I plan for something or not. My wife (I feel for her) is always letting me know that I don't pay enough attention to her and that she often wonders what it would be like to be with someone who would show her such. It is hard for me to explain to her that I have every intention to be that man for her, but I always seem to fall short. Whether it be because I forget to send flowers, post love notes or call her at work, I just can't seem to get it right. All the while, I don't mean to do it.

I am on Ritalin and it has helped me tremendously, but it only does so much. I have discovered that to be "normal", one has to work at it. The only problem is consistency. I have to set reminders everywhere, little notepads for work and for home, reminders on my cell phone and calls from my wife or fellow employees to remember to do something. There are times that I feel hopeless and that I am never going to succeed with my disorder, but I need to stay positive and not let anyone else deter me. If only my wife could fully understand that my behaviour is not intentional and that I don't make things go awry on purpose.

They say everything happens for a reason. I just lost the girl of my dreams over all of these symptoms mentioned here. I'm 20 and I'm glad I'm realizing that I have this condition now. I was taking Ritalin as a child and it helped enormously but they eventually told me I didn't need it anymore. In retrospect, it's been a lot harder to cope since.

My temper flares at the slightest thing and goes away very shortly. I had trouble in crowded situations and found myself tuning out entirely. Many relationships have been damaged by my lashing out unexpectedly. I've sought counseling and other professional help but until I did more research on the symptoms I not realize it was the ADD. I can't blame that condition entirely, but I am confident that the pills will help.

I have been diagnosed with ADD since I was 8, and I am now 24. It was hard growing up with it, because not a lot was known at the time. It was hard on my parents, hard on me and my friends as I got older. Two years ago I met my husband. It was really hard for him to understand what a hard time I had in school, and in general life. Everything comes so easy to him so it was extra hard for him to understand me.

We found a book called ADD and Romance. I can't remember the author, but it's a pink book. That has helped a lot. He was able to see how my ADD affected him, and things that I do that makes him mad is actually ADD. It also helped me figure out things that I was doing, which I didn't even know I was doing, and helped me to be aware when I was doing them. The more you know, and the more your significant other knows and the better off everything is.

My former boyfriend of 23 was diagnosed with ADD very recently. When we first met, he was incredibly infatuated with me. He sent me flowers, love notes and pretty much hyper-focused on me rather than on anything else in his life. A month into the relationship he said I was the most important person in his life and that he loved me more than he loved his mom. I thought that was a bit odd but didn't pay much attention to it. He was a very nice guy but he had a short fuse and he would always pick the most mundane fights. He also complained about being inconsistent and incapable of finishing things he started.

A year later, all the attention he gave me stopped and he was suddenly "confused" and "inconsistent" as he put it. It was also very hard for him to connect with reality. I knew the relationship was spiralling downhill but when I tried to talk to him about it he just couldn't connect and take it seriously. His body was there but his mind was absent. One day, he forgot to pick me up to go on a date and that was the end of it. I couldn't take it anymore. When I read the book on ADD and Romance many of my questions were answered. Although I don't want to blame our breakup entirely on ADD, it may have been an important player. I wish I had read the book before we broke up but perhaps it's better this way. I don't know if I'd be supportive enough if we would have gotten married. I'm going to give him the book as soon as i finish reading it.

My husband and I have been struggling with ADD issues in our relationship for five long years now and have just now begun to seek help for it. My husband went to see several different physicians and told them all of his symptoms and they dismissed it saying he was fine, he's just a man. Finally, after separating, he's getting help and was just formally diagnosed with ADD. He also suffers from depression and anxiety which we've been told can be part of the ADD.

I'm writing from the non-ADD perspective. It's been hard! I'm pretty much responsible for everything in our lives. If he does take care of something, I have to check later to make sure he finished it, which he resents. I know it's frustrating for him too, but it's exhausting for me. It's like having another child in my home instead of an adult. He is usually unavailable in our relationship and fretting over something insignificant, every day! So much drama. He is starting medicine this week and we are seeing a wonderful counselor, so I'm hoping for great things! I feel like I've aged ten years since we've been married and life has been so difficult and full of conflict.

I was diagnosed with ADHD about two years ago. I've been taking medication and it seems to help out at work. Problem is, I was ignorant on how much this was affecting my wife. I just figured the meds were the "magic answer" and my marriage was great. Nope, not the case. She has basically been taking care of two kids for the past four years. Anytime she wanted to discuss problems, I'd blow up. Now our marriage is in serious trouble and I'm scrambling trying to correct it.

If I were to do things all over, I would try to focus more on her. Set up a time every day where I would force myself to be available to her needs, and not get defensive. I know this is easier said than done, but knowing the emotional distress I have caused her, and what appears to be the break-up of our marriage, I would force myself to do it. You owe it to your relationship to address the other's needs.

The best time of day to catch my attention is in the a.m. after I have had my pot of coffee. This is the time I should have used to talk with her in the past. Don't lose your mate. Talk about things that aggravate them, and try to develop better habits around these aggravations. Personalities can't change, habits can.

My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year, and we live together. We literally hit the ground running when we started dating. Early on, he revealed to me that he was he had had childhood ADD (i.e., I was upset with him that he oftentimes seemed to 'zone out'). Of course, before knowing this, I took his behavior to mean that he found me unimportant and was losing interest in me; however, he assured me that that was far from the case.

Over the course of our relationship, our time together has had its highs and lows, as in any relationship, but knowing that he has ADD has been a mixed blessing: I'm glad that I know that he suffers from it, but I'm also troubled on how to remedy recurring problems, e.g., his disorganization in our living space, his struggle with prioritizing, his lack of motivation to get moving, his face glued to the TV. By contrast, I am more on the get-up-and-go, near and tidy person who likes to make to-do lists and I try to stay as organized as possible.

I have to add that my older brother has ADD so some of the behaviors my boyfriend has displayed, I am a bit familiar with. I decided to take a stab at trying to understand the disorder and search for some answers as well as some support. My guy is a good guy, and I want to help him. I just bought a book, Delivered From Distraction: Getting the most out of life with ADD. I just want to add that it's much easier to walk away from a relationship then to deal with adversity. All I know is that in the end, I want to say that I gave it my best shot, whatever the outcome, and learned some valuable lessons.

I've been diagnosed with ADD for four months now. I always wondered if there was something wrong with me, but had no answers. Asking doctors about problems was difficult and embarrassing. I happened to find a new doctor and ask about anxiety and depression when he starting asking me more in-depth questions, coming up with ADD. I have a 4 year old son and a wife of five years (I now understand what she has gone through) and love them very much. Divorce or separation seem to come up a lot during arguments.

I've noticed within the last five years I cannot control my anger or my foul language as easily. I figured it was my wife, or my job, or dare I say it . . . my son. I now take a prescription drug that my doctor recommended: Methylphenidate. I can think a little clearer (still working on anger and swearing) and see a big change in depression. I hurt my family with a big decision that I could not see was a dead end and am now having to apologize constantly. My wife is a trooper though. She found this site and many others. This site in particular was very helpful with the answers I have read and the experiences I have related to. Thanks to everyone for sharing!

I dated a wonderful man for about six months. He was attentive, caring, and loving. He was everything that I wanted in a mate. I always knew that he was diagnosed with ADD as a child but never put much thought into how it affected 'us' as a couple. About four months into the relationship he started classes at University. He had decided to go back to school and I was 100% behind him.

Around this time he started to become slightly more distant. I noticed but thought that it was because we had come out of the "puppy love" stage. He then started two new part-time jobs. At this time he seemed to me to be distant, and unavailable to see me as much as I would like. I started to react and eventually gave him a choice "make me a priority or I'm leaving the relationship". I ended up leaving . . . which was a mutual choice. It wasn't until after all was done that I understood that what was happening had nothing to do with me but was ADD. He became so frazzled with life he couldn't focus.

I regret what happened and that I didn't understand. I still love him and hope that one day things work out for us but I do still worry about his ability to follow though. The good news is that he seems open to seeking and receiving help. I hope that he does this. He is a wonderful man who deserves a wonderful life.

I'm 43, female, lesbian and have had ADD all my life. I've been taking ADD medication and working with a top-notch ADD therapist for about 15 years. I have a great job that I've been at for almost 25 years and I hold my own in the intelligence department. Where I struggle is with relationships, both friendships and lovers.

I've found after several years of failed relationships that my addiction to excitement and new challenges are contrary to making a long-term relationship work. One of the things that many women do is to become very symbiotic with each other emotionally, and what seems to happen with me is the old "familiarity breeds contempt" or at least boredom takes over. I yearn for a monogamous intimate relationship that I can feel safe in, with a mate that I will continue to respect and desire.

I currently have the best opportunity of my life with a wonderful woman whom I am deeply in love with. Now after a year and a half together I am scared by my old familiar feelings of boredom and suffocation.

I have been married for thirty-three years, and about four years ago my husband who is now sixty-one, was diagnosed with A.D.D., type II inattentive. Our marriage had been troubled for years, not because of his forgetfulness, his inability to complete projects, his inattentiveness or promises which he could not keep and all the other everyday things that go along with this condition.

Our marriage was in serious trouble because my husband had been unwilling, for years, to even hear or consider what is and was important to me, always making what he wanted (and needed) a priority instead. When I tried to talk to him, he would start blaming me immediately for whatever instead of listening to what I had to say. He went so far as to tell me that all our problems in our marriage I had created because I always was asking things of him and I was always confronting him with something while he was always Mister Nice. In a nutshell, if I would just keep my mouth shut all the time, his life would be wonderful, and he stated as much when we entered marital therapy (again) after his diagnosis.

Unlucky, we had a therapist who felt that my husband's diagnosis was inconsequential to our problems. He believed that ADD has no impact on relationships, only the two people involved and their behaviour. My husband, while in therapy on his very apparent blaming-and-unwilling-to-take-responsibility track, was told by this therapist that he had an inability to admit to failure or wrongdoing. However, this therapist decided to continue the marriage counseling without paying future attention to his own observations.

My husband, after I told him that I couldn't continue with this kind of therapy or with our relationship because after months of counseling things only worsened, decided that he probably didn't have ADD and that he didn't need to inform himself about this or seek any individual help at all; his view is the same as always; I am the one who is solely responsible for the dismal state of our marriage.

I feel that the therapist we had, contributed even more to our problems, and have come to the point after all these years of marriage, that I am no longer willing to stay in this relationship. I can say this much. My husband is a great person even with the normal ADD flaws as long as he doesn't get confronted with something that he might not have handled correctly. When that happens, it is as if he transforms into another person. From all I read and researched about Adult ADD, this is not uncommon behavior.

I find that lots of people and professionals just focus on the common things in ADD instead of giving the behavioural traits the same kind of focus; what happens with children who have ADD lots of times happens with adults too. They are oppositional to no end, unwilling to take responsibility for how they chose to behave. I believe if professionals focused more on this in adults, lots of relationships could be saved. The other things, in my book, are small potatoes when you know that this is part of this condition. What aren't small potatoes is living with a person who, in his coping skills, has gotten so used to his blaming and uncaring behaviour to the point that he believes himself it to be, quote, normal.

I believe my husband lives in denial because he hasn't encountered one professional who has been straight forward with him and has told him that he needs to acknowledge behaviour before he can ever make a positive change. I do know that my husband doesn't want this to happen, and when I look at him I can say the same thing lots of people have written here already, I do take care of everything in our lives, and if this support falls away at his age, how will he cope then?

I was first diagnosed with ADHD when I was 10, and was put on a medication that would cause me to fall asleep. I was never hyperactive, and in fact, have always had a problem with constant fatigue. In response, my parents took me off of the medication and never took me back.

Of course, I forgot all about this for a long time. I dropped out of high school, ran off (rather impulsively) to another state on a greyhound bus with just a backpack and got married. I got odd jobs here and there, mainly in food service. I had no self-esteem or confidence in myself, so I never tried to get a good job because I was certain that I was a "freak" or was somehow "less than" everyone else. I couldn't even order a hamburger in a fast-food restaurant or make a phone call. I never learned how to pay bills or make a budget, so my wife ended up doing all of that.

During the time between 1996 and 2001 I worked close to eighteen different jobs, one right after the other. I would work there until I became one of the best employees, and I would get bored with the job and leave.

In 2001 I was finally coerced into taking the GED test and passed, with a score of 335, and earned a scholarship. I went to college as a physics major for two semesters and once again dropped out. I simply couldn't stand being there anymore. I knew I shouldn't have, I didn't want to, but I couldn't get over not wanting to be there.

Well, through the years, I've switched from one project to another, being absolutely gung-ho in the beginning but then fizzling out after a few days. I've been interested in art, writing, physics, mechanics, philosophy, metaphysics, electronics, etc. ad infinitum, switching focus about once every other day.

My wife, who has a genetic disorder that has caused a cascade of other physical problems including hypothyroidism, diabetes, and anxiety attacks, has had to put up with this behaviour all this time. I never did any chores, would freak people out by saying or doing something and having absolutely no memory of it a few seconds later, and have never even gotten a driver's license.

Eventually we moved back to my hometown in California, and I finally decided to get help after having a serious breakdown. I went to college as an art major while I sought medical help and treatment, though I dropped out again in only one semester.

In the end it took me almost four months just to get a doctor to take me seriously, and when I finally did, I was re-diagnosed in less than five minutes. I applied for disability to help pay rent, and they of course sent me to their own specialist to be diagnosed again. I still don't know how I managed to fill out all the paperwork, but I got through the system and began receiving disability in only three months.

I am going to vocational rehab now to try to get a real job that I might actually be able to keep, and am currently taking Dexedrine. All of this on top of a lifetime of severe depression and a father who had me convinced I was worthless because I wasn't him. My parents never even took me to a doctor when I broke my nose as a child.

I'm now almost twenty eight, and I've had to live with all of this my entire life, and now it seems that even with my medication, even though it makes a major difference in my attitude and behavior, I still can't seem to do simple things like paying bills or balancing a check book, or even making phone calls, because I've always got so many other things on my mind and that I want to do.

Because I forget things and miss well over half of anything said to me, and put things off (often until it's way too late,) I tend to screw things up a lot, and I'm always making the worst possible decisions that always end up with disastrous results. Then I lash out when confronted about it because the feeling of guilt is so overwhelming that my brain literally shuts itself off. I can't control my behaviour, and all I can do is try to figure out what I can do or say to make the feeling of guilt "go away" and end the confrontation.

The problem is that this same thing happens not just when I'm confronted by my friends and family about something I've done (or not done) but even just talking to someone. Even if the conversation isn't important. Things like paying at a grocery store, ordering in a restaurant, asking for help understanding directions, etc., become almost completely impossible. I become paralyzed. My friends call it "deer in headlights syndrome" to describe the effect.

I'm determined to dig myself out of this hole however, because I want to be able to take care of my wife and myself and be a responsible adult. And the medication has definitely helped me focus enough to at least try, even though it still feels quite often like I'm not getting anywhere.

I was diagnosed with ADD 4 months ago and looking back into my life with girls and relationships I found that after 6-8 months I was over it. Just done and nothing could make me feel the same way that I felt a month earlier. I am still having trouble with girls and keeping interest for longer than 6-8 months. This is obviously frustrating me and the one that I am with, does anyone out there have a clue of what to do?

I'm 27 years old and I've never been diagnosed. I started having problems with ADD (my own well-researched self-diagnosis) as far back as I can remember. In elementary school, I was unable to pay attention in class, couldn't sit still and got in trouble a lot for being disruptive. In grade school I learned to stay out of trouble but still had problems focusing in school and during personal study time and my grades reflected those issues. I always had trouble being social and developed huge insecurities. I constantly asked myself, "WHY can't you just PAY ATTENTION?!" and felt SO stupid for not being able to keep up in school. After all, everyone else could.

In High School, it was the same story but as school became more demanding and a social life became more important to me, my insecurities and depression seemed to get worse. I felt like every day was a struggle, not to excel, but just to get through it and then do it all again the next day. I heard about ADD and researched it. I was certain that ADD was my problem and that I could be normal if I was treated. My parents told me that I just wasn't trying hard enough and that I just had to apply myself. I became reliant on my relationships with boys and in college, struggled even harder to study and fight against myself to do well in school. Failure after failure, to do well in school, made me turn to alcohol and I drank heavily almost every night.

I went from serious relationship to serious relationship because being single was lonely. I ended up on academic probation and dropping out of college to work from pay check to pay check and couldn't hold down a long-term job. Years later, I'm still fighting insecurities, depression and still feel like a prisoner within my own mind. I'm earning a degree through online classes which are going much better because I can work at my own pace, not someone else's.

My husband and I have a good relationship, MOST of the time, but sometimes we have these huge fights that make me want to leave him and think that maybe we should see a counsellor. I wonder how much my ADD has affected our relationship because I know my insecurity and sensitivity must have some effect. I've thought about seeing a physician about a diagnosis and treatment but for some reason I'm scared. I don't want to be told, yet again, that it's all in my head or that I just need to try harder.

Experience

First of all, I am right now, causing my tongue to bleed. No one has any right, unless backed up with hard scientific evidence, to denounce the validity of ADD/ADHD. How dare you? (That post was removed by a super.) We could just as easily denounce the viability of bipolar, or depression. "Oh those are just excuses to feel sorry for yourself". And in my mind, the ramifications of ADHD ADD are far more serious than depression (depression could be a consequence of untreated ADD ADHD).

How would explain how thousands of people have the same strange symptoms of learning disabilities, anger issues, social inadequacy, organizational inabilities, forgetfulness, impulsiveness, hyperactivity, all clumped together in one person? I'm sorry, that's sounds like a clinical mental disability to me! All those symptoms?

Me, except for anger and learning disabilities. I do have irritability issues. I was diagnosed at I believe the age of 6 or seven. This was because I had extreme issues paying attention in school (thank God I was home-schooled). But I also couldn't get ready in a timely fashion, I would forget that I was supposed to be putting on my shirt and would be in the corner of my room playing with a Barbie-shirtless- me, not the Barbie. My mom used to say that if she ever died of a heart attack, it would be because of me getting ready in the morning. I wasn't a stupid kid, nor did I have hand coordination problems or learning disabilities.

I could read my first 10 page "book" when I was 4. I was doing multiplication when I was 6 and wrote my first 250 wood composition when I was almost 7. I graduated high school with extra credits at the age of 16. I am now in my first year of college working on a Culinary Arts AA Degree. My SAT scores ranked with those going in to college to study law, surpassing most students who were going in to study Culinary.

ADD/ADHD is a stumbling block, a chemical imbalance in the brain that has caused a key doors to stick shut or open, when they need to be routinely opened and closed. Impulsivity was and is a huge problem with me factoring in physical inappropriateness (nothing sexual in my case but in many other cases it can lead to that if not subdued or redirected), I reach out to tap someone to emphasize a point, and I would end up leaving a bruise. So in my case, inappropriate physical aggressiveness was my issue.

This doesn't mean I love my issues that I think being ADHD is totally cool. I hate it. My stimulant medication causes my metabolism to speed up quite a bit. It also knocks down my appetite somewhat (although hormones easily override my medication whenever they so do please). I am a healthy weight right now, I don't eat too much and I'm active at least 3 times a week in Karate for 45 minutes each time. My favourite place is outside. I want to overcome and control my symptoms. I know I'll never grow out of it. My birth family (by the way, I'm also adopted) has a history of obesity and diabetes.

I feel that being on medication the way I have been, has severely damaged how I will be able to control what I eat, having never really been given that chance, having been on medicines for 10 years now. It's disappointing, but that's just the smallest piece in this story. My social abilities suffered heavily up until I was around 13. The fact that I still have friends from when I was 8 is amazing.

ADHDers can have the side effect of not being able to see or care about the emotions and hurts of other people. Many times, someone with ADHD has huge issues with thinking and caring about other people, they usually have the ability to care of only themselves if they don't get help. Other issues that go hand in hand, oh and before I continue? ADHD is ADD, the added H stands for Hyperactivity.

Disgraphia- keys in with poor hand coordination issues of ADHD. What is it? An inability to write almost anything with any sort of legibility, doesn't mean it's incurable, just takes a lot of letter stencils and training to overcome. Discalcula- a form of dyslexia, a learning delay in which letters swim on the page, making martial look like marital.

Discalcula is the same, but with numbers, and it goes even further. Numbers have no meaning to you. It's like "normal" people with no understanding of geometry trying on their own to figure the pi symbol and its relevance. Discalcula, you look at if a=b and b=c, then a=c, your mind goes, "how the heck did you get that a=c?" that because 1/2 = 1/4+1/4=2/4 so 2/4=1/2 your mind goes "yeah, that's nice, what is that supposed to mean again?" My sister has Discalcula. She can't add or subtract negatives with positive without the number line I made for her with 4 clear rules on adding subtracting negatives with positives. It's such an issue with her, she can't understand that 136-n=120 that in turn equals the equation 136-120=n. How can you tell me that ADHD/ADD just isn't real? My sister is 15 and she can't add 1/4+1/4=1/2 she gets 2/8. Why would someone purposefully do that to get sympathy? To pretend not to be able to understand 4th grade math when you are in the 12th grade? (Fortunately we found alternate math programs that we were able to count as high school math so she will also graduate at age 16).

I said I don't think ADHD is totally cool, I do think, in the interlacing between your disorder and who you are, you can't separate the two, so when you have ADHD, when you totally embrace it, when you work with it to help you, then I think ADHD can be really cool. ADHD, the hyperactivity? I let it out in Karate, I took the energy that was driving everyone crazy and trained it to go into my muscles, into my balance and reflexes. I'm now a 9th level Junior Black belt (been in Karate for 10 years now). The only people my instructor wants me to do grappling with, so that I have a chance to be challenged, are the big 6' feet tall guys in the class. Of course, being a 16-year-old girl now, the amount of grappling I do with guys is strictly limited.

Here's the thing, when picking things to do to get the energy out, make sure it is something like Karate, but counterbalance it with something where do you don't exert the energy on people, someone could get hurt, but also if you are always trying to restrain that energy so you don't hurt someone, you may never learn how to fully empty yourself, never feel the thrill of using the full extent of your strength. Something like weight lifting, or advanced sport conditioning would be really great to. Like I said, because I have ADHD, doesn't mean I'm stupid, because I come to the defence of people who are diagnosed, doesn't mean I think that everyone should feel sorry for them. I have hard times, but it makes me mad, and what I have been trained to do, is that when it makes me mad, I turn that anger on the symptom and kill the symptom.

I don't have attention problems, and I can sit still far better than my sister who does not have the hyperactivity, I can sit still for 1 hour and 30 mins so far, that's all I have had to sit still for. When it comes to tests such as the SAT or Midterms, I go into a hyper focus that I have trained myself to do. I don't allow anything to distract me. I'm still in the process of doing the same in other areas though, like driving when I can only hyper focus when concentrating on one thing. When I have to concentrate on a lot of the things at the same time, I miss things, like what happens with my memories like Greek myths. With driving, I'll be really good at taking in the street sign, signal, the lanes, the laws, all at once at let's say an intersection I'm about to go through, but I'll miss the car that is right in front of me starting to slow down to make a turn: stuff like that.

I feel like I can help a lot of my fellow "friends" of people with ADHD. I like to tell people I have ADHD and have them look at me like "why the heck would you lie to me like that?" My success is all owed to my parents, if they didn't care or weren't involved like they are, I would probably be some wild girl pregnant and on the street right now.

Because of people who go around saying stuff like, "oh I'm such a klutz", "I so hate my ADHD impulsiveness", I can see why other people assume that this disorder is a fraud. People who go around saying stuff like, a.) "OMG, my cousin is always bouncing off the walls, I swear he has ADHD, he just can't stop moving", are usually exaggerating, b.) When asked if he told them he had ADHD their usual response. "No, but I'm telling you there is no way he doesn't have ADHD". Then I drop the bomb that I have ADHD and have been professionally diagnosed, and the looks on their faces is priceless. But then they go on to still say that their energetic cousin has severe ADHD as if they know better than me.

That makes me mad, and there's the assumptions that ADHD kids all belong in resource, rooms at school. Actually, a lot of the people I know who have ADHD, have GPA's of 3.6 or higher. My high school GPA was 3.86, my IQ is 134, two points lower than my brilliant mother. (I'm not exaggerating, if you knew her you would say the same.) 6 points from the highly intelligent spectrum.

I just want everyone out there with ADHD/ADD to know that, they're not stupid, just a little lost, with even just a little bit of help? They could go beyond anything they could have dreamed. Oh, and Einstein? The theory is that he had ADD and at least Asperger's syndrome. They are doing further studies on it. The term Absent Minded Professor was started with him and not for no good reason. Oh, and Thomas Edison? He is also being looked into for ADD. His teachers hated him because he wouldn't pay attention in class, and turned all his homework in late and sloppy.

Both my husband and myself have ADHD, and we've been married for twenty-eight years now. Our first sixteen years were very chaotic due to neither one of us ever being on any treatment for ADHD. My husband started on treatment right after our son was diagnosed with ADHD and the change in him was quite apparent. The chaos in our home was eased in the first month.

I knew at the time that I also shared the same ADHD diagnosis and so did my sons doctors, who I had worked for as one of their nurses prior to his birth, yet I didn't want to admit that I too had ADHD. One of them talked me into a series of tests for ADHD and I knew that things would soon change. I started treatment as well. All of us were taking Adderall and there was been an unbelievable change. It was wonderful until I lost my job due to a back injury and could no longer afford the Adderall for myself.

Once again, chaos stepped in, and seemed to totally take over my life. I found it impossible to complete tasks, and despite much effort, it just wasn't happening. Eventually, after having two more children, it caught up with me, and I am once again on treatment for ADHD, and things are looking up again.

Being a 36 year old man, with ADD and have lived with it all my life. It does has its disadvantages. However, when it comes to understanding one, it's simple, especially in a relationship. The way is to simply write out all the ADD facts for your partner, research it. Show it to them, if they truly care for you, they will understand. Mine did, then the funniest thing happened. She did her own research and talked to friends. Sure enough, she found something for me. Called Ginkgo Biloba, I have been taken it for years now and everything is fine.

Answer

Men may sometimes may use women for sex but not always unless they are really in love with that women. So if you have a man that you think uses you for sex just find out if he is really in love with you. I'm sure it will work out

Answer

Because they can.

There's nothing wrong with "no strings attached" sex, if both people agree. But sometimes men don't reveal their true agendas, essentially making the sex non-consensual.

Men who do that lack respect for women, and think they're simply objects to be used for a man's pleasure. These men don't care how their behavior affects other people, and may even rationalize that what they're doing is acceptable, or even beneficial to both parties.

• If you are referring to a close friend or a significant other, I am a fan of playing the relationship version of 20 Questions. Quite simply, take turns asking and answering questions until you have each asked twenty. This may take more than one get-together to complete, but it is a great deal of fun and will reveal a lot about both of you. Try to keep a mix of serious and humorous questions. In making a serious inquiry, make sure that you only ask questions that you yourself would be comfortable answering. This game is wonderful for bonding in a relationship.

• Don't interrogate them, but try to get them to open up about themselves. Casually ask about their job, their family and friends. What kinds of things do they do in their free time? Discuss hobbies, what kinds of music/movies/books they prefer. Be honest about yourself and what you enjoy in life. Note these things: Do they complain a lot? Have they changed a lot of jobs/moved frequently over the years? Do they say rude things about their parents or ex friends/wives? Any of these could be a warning sign.

• I think it helps to let the other person lead a bit. See what questions they ask. Not only will this allow you to answer and then say "and how about you" but it can give you insight into what a person is curious about and that can help you learn about them. You will be surprised what people will tell you if you just let them.

• If I REALLY want to get to know someone, I ask nothing and just observe how they are. Too often if people suspect they are being evaluated, one way or the other, they often have a tendency to a certain behaviour or say or do what they THINK you are looking for or what they THINK makes them look best. Especially in the dating scene. Rule of thumb, by six months, all their mental problems should have surfaced.
• Ask them questions about hobbies, likes and dislikes, religion; basically anything that would help you get to know that person better, but avoid anything about ex's, his/her past, or if they want to marry and have children. This will only scare them away. Just be yourself and there is no need to change your values just to impress someone else. This would arise as a problem if things were to happen and when the true person starts to reveal themself you may find out it is not the person you were looking for.

• All of the questions in the book "Intellectual "! My boyfriend (soon-to-be fiancé) are in a long-distance relationship, and the questions in that book are wonderful. Things I would've never thought of, and things that really made me think about myself and how I feel about various things.

• Questions are one method and another method is to let situations occur and then ask the persons view and response. It is perhaps better because you have an example that has come up by chance and can get his/her reaction to it. Other times, clarify what you hear by asking a question in a positive way. Otherwise, you will miscommunicate and misunderstand.

• The best way to get to know someone is how they speak of their family, friends and ex's. If they slag off their mates then they are probably untrustworthy so AVOID them! I think asking about their work gives you a clear insight into their drive/ambition, intelligence and affluence. What they like to do when they relax will give you a clue about the types of things he/she will expect you to do together. Another way to get to know someone is watch their manner in public, if they swear, are loud, smoke in prohibited places, they may be rude, arrogant and disrespectful ... perhaps not someone you want to date. However the best way to get to know someone is to LISTEN. Sounds daft, but everything they say, however little or trivial may be a clue to their personality and little clues soon add up, like a jigsaw. Enjoy getting to know them, its one of the most exciting parts of a relationship!

• Read "The Book of Questions" by Gregory Stock, PhD

• Read the book "Red Flags: How to Know if You're Dating a Loser"

• I found out that if you just talk to them, be yourself, act casual, and don't be fake then things mostly have good outcomes. Ask them questions but don't blabber on too much so the person can't even ask you what they want to, be open, don't be short, tell them enough to keep them guessing and wanting more, but not so little so that they forget it. Make sure the important things are answered on the first date, because then you will be clueless, and the important questions will may seem very odd to ask on later dates ... such as when you discuss things you like, on the second date if you just blurt out, "What type of music do you like?" You may sound stupid. Instead if you go somewhere or hear music playing make a gesture as in, "Hearing the notes of music reminds me, what type of music do you like?". But, as others have said don't interrogate them, because they'll get nervous about these 30 questions being thrown at them. Don't get nervous, or loud, or weird when you talk to them, because that just may put up a sign to them that you don't like them or that something is terribly wrong.

• I think the best way to get to know how a person truly is is by the way they discuss people they know. I have found that people who speak negatively of others usually are not very nice people themselves. Also, what kind of friends do they have? Law abiding, hard working people, college or high school friends, or only friends they met at a bar?

• Find out what they stand for. Do they have morals? How do they feel about morals, this can be found by the way they react to things. Do they cut corners? Are they dishonest in the little things? What do they talk like, foul? You can see that many times we don't even have to ask questions. When we see them in a public setting we can learn lots. People are smart they will tell you what they think you want to hear but their conduct can speak volumes about them, more than any question we can ask. First though, we have to have the standards within us in order to know what to look for.

• Just say things to them to make them feel interested in why you want to know.

• Buying a book on body language - the most effective chat-up line is supposed to be, "What's your favourite pizza topping?"

• you can also just ask them that you wanted to get to know them better than just sitting there and looking like a fool. you don't want them to think that because some people are just really rude these days they would do anything to make you feel like a jerk. well that's all really. try your best!! GOOD LUCK!!

• what's your name

• NUMBER 1! Only ask he/she what you want to know... Some questions that can start good conversations might be... What they think of people at school? If he/she likes school? how he/she spends her weekends etc.

• I love the pizza topping question because it will kind of throw them for a loop and you will get more of an honest answer. Most people have "pat" answers that they are asked all the time. I also like to ask them questions like "what is their best childhood memory", or "what is your favorite flavor of ice cream". These are questions they are not expecting! Be aware of red flags like a person who only likes to talk about themself and isn't asking you any questions about yourself. One other good piece of advise that applies equally to friends or people you are dating: watch how they treat the waiter/waitress, cashier, busboy, etc. If they are rude or offish to these people they are not someone you want as a mate or friend!

• It really depends. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no. Questions that could start a conversation are good. honestly, some of the best friendships that i have began when i was just hanging out with the person in a group. I've even told people that i think they're interesting and that i want to be their friend. that works. but I've found that the best way to get to know someone is by hanging out with them.