Do victims sometimes stay in abusive relationships not out of love for the abuser but out of some need to obtain his approval and love even though they know he would never give them that?

Answer 1

Yes it is true and so is simply being terrified or having your abuser threaten to harm any children you may have or threatening to take away your children in a court of law. Abusers are all about control. They can't control the outside world around them, so they pick their victims carefully (usually normal, sweet women with heart on sleeve) and are (believe it or not) often kind, but it's a ploy to win her over. The next step usually is a few hints of him telling you possibly what to wear, who you can go out with or he doesn't like the friends you are hanging around with. He may even be charming around your family or friends, but deep down resents having to go through what he considers "formalities" and before you know it he has alienated you from family and friends. Often the abuser is mentally abusive and actually brain washes his victim by telling her she's a lousy cook, mother, rotten at love-making and that she is so bad in bed and such a slob SHE is the one that either forces him to cheat on her or makes him so angry he even beats her and it's HER fault. It isn't odd for an abuser to beat the tar out of his victim and show up the next day with a gift for her and swearing he will never hit her again. Don't believe it! Abusers need control in their private lives because they hate everything about society. He could have been fired or even rejected by his peers. He could have come from an abusive environment in his own family. He may simply just be mean to the bone. Abusers are weak and they prove it every time they beat up on a woman, children or the elderly, and some even take it out on the family pet. These people are sick! Abusers are so egotistical and seem to think they have an answer to everything and what is theres is theres and no one had better butt into his private life, that they seldom will seek psychiatric counseling and therefore the prognosis is not favorable. The best thing a victim of abuse can do is to have a plan (tell no one), pack a light bag, and when her abuser has gone off to work or even out with the boys phone (from a pay phone or a friend's house) to make an appointment with a counselor at an Abused Women's Center and they normally see you right away if you stress the mess you are in. They are there to help and often give legal counsel as well. Once you leave you can't go back. They will eventually put you into a "safe house" or "Transition House" and he'll never find you. More and more the police are working with the Abused Women's Centers and the laws are changing to protect women. Women such as myself and thousands of others are not allowing the abusers to get away in a court of law and slowly the tide is turning where the abuser will serve a good portion of time in prison. Good luck hon Marcy