If apologizing to your partner is a sign of a good relationship is your spouse being abusive if you ask her for an apology and her response is derogatory?
No, not abusive. Also not cooperative. You lost the battle before you started. It depends on what she said. If you feel it's untrue or uncalled for instead of asking for an apology you should have sat down and communicated and let her know how much she hurt you and ask her why she did so. Sometimes we have to take our own lumps and may not be aware we may have had it coming so why should the person apologize. First, we throw around the words abuse and abusive far too easily. Her response may have been verbally abusive. We don't know. But labeling all hurtful words as abusive cheapens and mitigates authentic cases of mental, sexual, and physical abuse. Second, responding negatively to a request for an apology is not, per se, abusive. What she actually said may have been, however. Third, I never understood why anyone would demand an apology. It's as silly as it is futile. To be taken seriously apologies must be offered unsolicited and sincerely. And the apology is only one third of the equation. The person who offers the apology must make restitution -- if possible -- and also promise not to do it again. Saying you're sorry without ameliorating your behavior is pointless, mere empty words.