If you had a long affair with your friend's wife which is now over should you come clean and tell him about it?

Answer 1

While I do believe honesty is the best policy, this is not one of those times! You've already hurt this poor guy (YOUR FRIEND) and that was one lousy thing to do. He may not know about the affair, but he probably had his suspicions. By telling him you are going to really hurt him and if you think your friendship will survive after that, forget it! Also, not once did you mention his wife. You have no right to "tell all" without her permission and there is a lot of healing to be done by her and you. Everyone makes mistakes, so learn from this one! You are some piece of work! If people have friends like you who the heck needs enemies. You should be bloody ashamed of yourself for what you have done. You have let yourself down and more importantly taken the trust of a friend and stomped on it. Don't blame her ... you seem to have a voice and should have a conscience and you could have said no to her or do you know the meaning of "no?" Since you aren't the poster child for "honesty" I suggest you get on with life and leave well enough alone. Don't ruin a marriage on top of everything else. You don't know what goes on behind their closed doors and perhaps she has come to her senses and realizes what a good guy she has for a husband and that she risked losing everything. Leave your friend's wives alone and if one comes onto you ... hey, use your voice box, pucker up your lips and form "no thanks!" Marcy I agree with Marcy. What do you hope to happen once you "come clean?" There's nothing to gain here by telling him about the affair. You may think it will make you feel better to get it off of your chest but think of how you'll feel after you've hurt him. his wife was actually the one who broke all contact. yes, i was not a good friend at all but she was supposed to leave him for me - and the affair just continued for years. now she refuses to speak to me at all and i feel though i am left holding the bag. i do feel very bad for carrying it on the way that i did, but i was in love with this woman and believed she was going to leave him (she obviously is not). so, in one respect i feel really bad for pretending to be his friend so i could continue the affair and in another respect i want him to know the truth about who he is still with now. and to a small degree - i know that it may cause her problems if he learns about it. petty? maybe. but at least it is honest. i also realize that this will end all contact between the two of them forever, so it is not a tool in "winning" her back. Be forewarned. You're not gonna like my response. I'm gonna stick by my original answer. I would say nothing to the husband. This isn't about honesty. This is about revenge, right? This woman royally screwed you over and you want to do something to make her as miserable as she's made you. But like Marcy said here, you weren't exactly a victim. And you were really expecting this woman to hold up to the "agreement" of leaving her husband for you when, in fact, she couldn't even hold up to the "agreement" of her marriage vows? If he's in still love with this woman, you telling him she's a cheat will probably do nothing. Even if you were a true friend to him and not the one she was cheating with and you told him that she's a cheat, it will only make you look bad and hurt him, also. She'll come out of it smelling like a rose. It will take him to catching her cheating before he takes any action. Saying something to the husband is only going to hurt him. Secondly, how do you know he'll even believe you -- or will you come out of this looking like you made it up or like you have mental problems? Who knows, at this point, she may have lied and told him that you have a crush on her and that you're mentally unstable? Think long and hard about what the results might be here before you do anything. You're thinking with your emotions and not your head. You don't need things to get any worse than they already are. You played with fire and got burned. For now, you need to chalk it up as a loss (I know, easier said than done) and move on. thank you for the responses. as far as him believing me? that wouldn't be a problem as i have years of letters, cards and emails from her - stating her love for me and her willingness to be with me - even some putting him down that would be proof enough. but that is neither here nor there as i cannot actually see myself telling him or showing him these things. i am angry and hurt that she is no longer a part of my life and refuses to return my calls and i never got the proper closure that i feel i truly need. what confuses me is the fact that she called me right before she moved and wanted to speak to me (i did not receive the call)- and now will not call me back at all. since she is now 2,000 miles away there is no chance of going to see her. maybe the title should be - how can you get someone that you truly cared about to call you back when you are trying to reach them and they are refusing? i did even ask my "friend" (her husband) to have her call me. still nothing. he says he doesn't know why....... Well, she got what she wanted and moved on. Heartless. She and her hubby are not riding into the sunset. Trust me. She will probably have another affair. As for you, use this time to learn from your mistake(s). Me beating you up over having an affair will solve nothing, so I'll say this: You'll heal. It will take time, but you'll heal.

Answer 2

Depends on if you are still having the affair or not and what is more important for you. The confession or getting the truth off your chest or still being friends with your friend. Chances are if you tell him, he won't talk to you again to say the least, so you need to be prepared for that. But , if your conscience is more important, go on. What is the need btw to tell , if the relationship is over? Confess in your heart and apologise.