Why do people fall in love and stay in love with sociopaths?

Answer 1

I Loved a SociopathIn my case, I didn't even know what a sociopath was.

I fell in love with several of his qualities: he was energetic, ready for fun, unafraid to try new things, and always ready to play.

He told me I was the one he'd been looking for all of his life. He made me feel beautiful, fun, adventurous. He's very good looking and charismatic, like a movie star. In the beginning, it took my breath away that he wanted to be with me so much.

When his strange behavior became more and more perplexing, I started reading about psychopaths. He sure fit the model!

I still was in love with him but for my own sake, I had to break off our relationship. He wouldn't listen to my needs, my wishes, my feelings. He was incapable of true empathy.

Part of me is still in love with him because I felt thrilled to be with him at times and because I think his illness is just that - an illness he can't help anymore than someone can help having Diabetes.

The "mothering" in me kicks in, too, and makes me want to take care of him. I've tried that for years and it's never enough or good enough for him. One way or another, he'll find a way to blame me.

So I have to let go of the dream of how it could have been if only he were well. At least I know now the magnetism and manipulation of a sociopath and will never get involved with another one. I have matured enough to want an equal partner, one with empathy and consideration.

Reading the above, one may wonder, "Am I dating/married to/friends with a sociopath?"

Ask yourself. Is he scatterbrained and flighty? Does he have trouble in concentrating on more than one thing at a time, to the point that he can endanger his safety or that of others? Does he fly into a rage at the slightest thing? Is he controlling and manipulative? Does he "have to" get rough to have sex? Does he lie a lot, or, if not, at least does he twist and slant the truth and leave out crucial details?

Even if it's "yes" to most of these things, it could be something else.

But it is best to find out.

Numerous websites on the Internet will tell you that research using brain scanning technology has recently revealed that the brain of a psychopath functions and processes information differently.

Are you involved with a psychopath (extreme sociopath)? You may not know because they can be very charming and friendly and can appear to be altruistic, until you get close and inevitably they do something threatening or immoral and then you must set limits that disappoint them.

The near-constant state of frustration and dissatisfaction felt by a true psychopath is the source of not only their rages but those eerie, on-and-off-like-a-faucet tears. (Yes, tears are seen even in some men, though of course still more common in children and women.)

But, don't assume anyone is a psychopath based only on the person's apparent attitude and behavior. It is far more complex than that, including factors in the pattern of the person's life and many other characteristics.

Please don't go around assuming or calling someone a psychopath just because he/she may have some of the warning signs.

Get a professional opinion from a qualified mental health professional if you think you are involved with a psychopath. And then ask what to do, not only for the psychopath but for yourself, because being involved with a psychopath is risky.

And what then? Only time will tell.

And some people have said that the only way to persuade a sociopath or psychopath to seek help is by threatening him/her with DEATH!!

One way -- or another...

And the main reason sociopaths don't usually seek helpfrom their fellow human beings is that they can't trust, rather than that they like being as they are. Plus, they can often sense exactly what sort of a response any call for help on their part is most likely to elicit from professionals and lay folk alike.

Sociopaths are not breezing along in paradise. It isn't all a game. It's a truly miserable existence. And it can be made better. It may not be "curable" yet, but it most certainly isn't as hopeless as so many people say. There is therefore nothing to be gained and much to be lost when therapists and lay folk try to ostracize sociopaths from the human race entirely! Sensationalism and superstition will only prevent progress.

This was written on another question on the same essential topic as this one, by a self-confessed sociopath who was officially diagnosed (other than me!) --

• Sociopaths, though born that way, are people too. To avoid an entire group of people is absurd. That's like saying, "Since these people have dark skin, everyone should completely avert themselves from them." I am a moderate sociopath, and though part of me doesn't want to change, another does. Many times it is really entertaining to see how stupid people can be, especially when they're so gullible as to believe every word that mellifluously flows from my lips. Yes, I am parasitic, but even so, there are some people I would like to stop hurting. I can't find any websites that can provide a way to help my sociopathy. Maybe people like you should stop your self-victimisation and start trying to actually help people like me! I knew I was a sociopath before the age of ten but have only recently had it officially diagnosed. I am eighteen years old now, and I have been lying and destroying others' sanity for a long time. So, please post some helpful tidbits that might help sociopaths resist the sweet urges we get when we encounter weak human beings. When you cut us, do we not bleed? When you kill us, do we not die? Do you honestly think that you're being lied to and manipulated when we sincerely ask for help. Listen to yourselves! This is the internet; ergo, you're safe from our fortified mental grasp.

The essay that follows was written in another answer by another self-admitted sociopath, who actually might not be a sociopath. Still another person added the brief comment to that effect after her tragic essay.

• umm... i kindof am one... just so y'all know, it's not so much fun being one either. i read that sentence up there, "Incapable of real human attachment to another." i don't even know what that is, i see it, i approximate it... it's like being outside a door looking through a dirty window and watching re-runs of people I've seen in love or with children or with friends, and scratching, sometimes banging at the glass to get in and... nothing. I'm fond of people in every sense of the word, their little quirks and habits, the way they see life, except if they went away it wouldn't bother me much other than finding someone else to be fond of. i don't have friends, i only date military men because they're ok with only having a girlfriend for a couple months and i tell them in advance i won't wait for them... i don't know what else to do to limit the damage i inflict on others just as a result of them knowing me, short of moving to the mountains... but i still move between 2-5 times a year :( it's kindof hard walking around knowing I'll never have what i see making other people so happy and running when i can tell someone is getting close just because i don't want to hurt them more later down the road... i'd like it alot to settle down, i WANT to be able to feel more with people, but it's hard to miss what you never had. i want what i THINK it would feel like... it'd be easy to give in and let someone stay because I'm so lonely... but hey, I've written enough, just know i try to be a responsible little sociopath, i won't ever get married or have kids, i practice safe sex, i won't stay in one city for long... everything you all take for granted i will never let myself have just because i WANT to take it for granted. being like this won't go away so hopefully i can limit the amount of hate thrown my way by limiting my interaction with people, i don't know what else to do. and you all might not belive this, but i am sorry, hopefully i can speak for the other people who have damaged your lives.

Comment: The above testimony is clearly not indicative of a sociopath because she seems to make efforts to keep from harming others, even if it doesn't benefit herself.

In response to the comment above - not wanting to harm others does not exclude someone from being a sociopath. The definition of a sociopath does not entail somebody being hell-bent on destroying others for their own amusement, or completely happy to utilise their manipulative abilities to use every person they meet for their own gains. This is an unfair misconception, that only serves to malign and ostracise a subsection of humanity - yes, sociopaths are humans too. And trust me, they are capable of intense tides of emotion and some of them suffer a great deal with what they are, their condition.

The sociopath is someone lacking in empathy, and who doesn't feel remorse of guilt in the typical sense. Often, this will lead to criminal or otherwise malignant activity, as the sociopath is not hindered by empathy for the victim. However, people are all different, and sociopaths are people. They don't necessarily want to harm others. They just do, because they aren't equipped with the same facilities that we empaths have to prevent us from hurting people (and our equipment is faulty at best).

This may seem like an overly sympathetic portrait of the struggling sociopath, and in many ways it is, but it does bother me how everyone seems to think that being unable empathise with or understand another's pain necessarily entails a desire to cause it.

In answer to the original question -

People fall in love with sociopaths for many reasons, as people tend to fall in love with people in general for many reasons, but a big part of it is because of their gifts at making people feel adored. They know what you need, and how to make you want to be with them. The love of a sociopath can be intense and all-consuming, even if that love is, by definition, selfish. I happen to be in love with an undiagnosed sociopath who has never been anything but adoring and good to me, and as far as I can tell, honest about everything but details. It's difficult and infuriating to watch sometimes how he is incapable of seeing that some of the things he does are hurtful, or morally dubious, and it is unsettling how at times he does downright awful things without feeling the slightest bit of remorse. He literally just can't see from another perspective, mine included. But I didn't fall in love with him for his incredible emotional insights or the terrible pain he feels for the poor kittens in Africa. He isn't just a sociopath, isn't just a label, he's a man too, an intelligent and entertaining one at that. I am vigilant, and I understand that this will most likely end up damaging me in the long run, but so will a lot of things, and that doesn't mean I am going to turn my back on someone I love for who and what he is.