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Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence

~5700 answered questions
Parent Category: Relationships
An abusive relationship is a relationship in which a person is victim to the use or threat of being physically or psychologically abused. Here you can ask questions about abusive relationships such as how to spot it, and how to get yourself or others help.
Beating is physical abuse. Cursing and berating the child is verbal and emotional abuse. These are abusive behaviors par excellence.In addition to the above, other forms of child abuse are sexual abuse and child neglect.You basicly know you get child abuse when they make you bleed or brused. My pare…
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Hi, I hope I can help you. If a child is being sexually abused, obviously, the poor child will not speak up. If you are close to a child who you personally think is being sexually abused, you have to tell the child that they are not alone and that they can tell you anything. But please do NOT jump t…
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How to Get Help I live in Canada, but this should work for you too. Go to "Children's Welfare". You can phone the operator and get the number, or you can go to your local Mental Health and they will direct you. In Canada 16 is still classified as a child, but I'm not sure what State you are in …
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First, there are many ways for an abuser to become healthy. The main solution is to decrease stress in the abuser's life by first finding the main stressors. Counseling and therapy can both catalyze the process of finding the main stressors in a persons life. This is only a solution if the abuse i…
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The first step on the road to recovery is to end the relationship. Continued abuse will prevent your healing and recovery. Answer I'm unsure if you have left the relationship--so I will answer as if you have. First thing you need to do is make sure you and your children (if any) are safe. Next, I wo…
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%DETAILS% You may have other rights. Call a local attorney for state specific advice.ftc.gov§ 806. Harassment or abuse [15 USC 1692d] A debt collector may not engage in any conduct the natural consequence of which is to harass, oppress, or abuse any person in connection with the collection of …
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(Note: Narcissistic Personality Disorder is something that can only be identified by a mental health professional who has examined the person in question. Other than that, "narcissist" is a word meaning "loves oneself excessively" and is susceptible to varying interpretations.)1: A Narcissist is som…
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Yes, they forget insults, the ones they say to you.   Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass. They hold grudges indefinitely. They rarely forget a slight or an insult - real or imagined. They nurture the pain, dwell on it, magnify it, analyze it, and form conspirac…
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Overweening, smothering, spoiling, overvaluing, and idolizing the child - are all forms of parental abuse.This is because, as Horney pointed out, the child is dehumanized and instrumentalized. His parents love him not for what he really is - but for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfilme…
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There are no reliable stats. It seems to be a case of genetic predisposiiton brought out by environmental factors. For sure the almost stand alone factor is emotional abandonment by BOTH parents during infancy / early childhood. Some lines indicate having an N-Momster rather than an N-Dad lead…
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Not sure about "spontaneous" healing, but this seems to be one of the very few articles on NPD out there with valuable information.http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa4087/is_200301/ai_n9197353/pg_1              There are gradations and shades of narciss…
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Pathological narcissism is a spectrum of disorders. People suffering from the full blown, all-pervasive, personality distorting mental health disorder known as the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - are, indeed, more prone to violence than others.Actually, the differential diagnosis (=the dif…
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Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them…
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Answer It sounds to me like he won't leave you alone - and you won't leave him alone! Answer I've read this many times and have found it to be TRUE in my circumstance...stay COMPLETELY away from the N. Not a word, not a smile, not a glance. Don't feel guilty for ignoring him. You mean nothing…
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The commonality may be less the direct action of encouragement than a learned response to the abuse. The family may avoid seeing, hearing, or feeling that there is abuse in the relationship but respond to it as the abuser needs. So, the abuser gets his/her pay off. Obtaining help of family and peers…
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Get far, far away from that person. Leave the state if you have to. There are places that an abused woman can go to get help. Don't wait thinking he will change. It can only get worse. Check your area (or the info below) for a battered women's shelter near you. Ten Warning Signs of an Abusive Relat…
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Note when he gets angry does he bunch his fists up? Does he get angry quickly? And most important of all if he ever hits you, even if its just a slap or anything GET OUT. If he has been in a long relationship before and he mentions that his significant other just up and left one day without warning…
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1) Know the laws of your state and hire an attorney who regularly represents victims of abuse. 2) Gather as much evidence as possible. Document the abuse by keeping a daily journal of every incident of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. Take photos of bruises or cuts or go to the emergency room…
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From an entry I wrote for the Open Site encyclopedia:Family Violence The marked reduction in domestic violence in the last decade -- and the fact that different societies and cultures have widely disparate rates of intimate partner abuse -- give the lie to the assumption that abusive conduct is the …
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Abusers rarely change, and they can never be forced to change. An abuser will only recognize that they have a problem when they are ready. Trying to force this change will only succeed in making the abuser angry, and possibly even delay the process. Realizing that you are an abuser is very humbling,…
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Get out the relationship fast! if you are experiencing the aggressive side to someone and it makes you uncomfortable, leave him/her. You do not deserve it, do not put it off otherwise it will only become worse.stand strong. say im gone call the police and if they say why you got to call the police …
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NO. Never confront an abuser especially one who has demonstrated a violent history.Never argue with her or disagree. Agree with him until he calms down. The only safe way out is to calm her down. Eventually no matter how enraged she is, she will run out of steam. Once he is either asleep or out of t…
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I think victims can stop the cycle of abuse by removing themselves from the situation and not adding fuel to the fire in any way. Unless the abuser goes to counseling and gets behavior modification, long term change is unlikely. Short term, abuse will reappear on its usual cycle. This is not to say …
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Generally , no you cannot. An abuser by nature is not trustworthy. When someone abuses you, they tell you right there that you are less. They lie and blame to make you think that you are responsible for the abuse- you made them do it. They seem to be able to treat everyone else, including strangers,…
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Though it does not provide the abuser with a reason, justification, excuse, or anything else except in their own minds, it is possible to provoke abusive behavior in some situations. For example, if a couple is having an argument, the person who is being abused might know they should stop arguing be…
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Statistically, the odds of an abuser changing are low. However, there are key indicators you can watch for in a person who is taking an honest interest in changing their abusive behavior: 1) They acknolwedge that they are abusive, and that it is their responsibility, and not the fault of anyone els…
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Idealization - followed by devaluation - is one of the hallmarks of abuse. unpredictable, ever-shifting behavior is abusive and is intended, among other functions, to foster dependence on the abuser's whims and moods. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship 2 years ago. The honeym…
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Read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's not a psychological test but it tells you a million traits of all the different types of abusers. If you find any of them to be true, whether it appears as abusive or not, you might be in trouble. Seek help. Answer Abuse does…
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There are no easy answers and each situation is different. Here are some suggestions: I know that if you have other children it really does affect their mind set. He may have even gotten this habit from his father. If you do have other children, call social services immediately because not only you …
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Statistically, the odds of an abuser changing are low. So the short answer is yes, those with a history of abuse will likely abuse their subsequent partners. However, there are key indicators you can watch for in a person who is taking an honest interest in changing their abusive behavior: 1) They …
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Emotional AbuseAbuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment - human a…
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It can be considered a form emotional or mental abuse depending on the intentions. It can be used as a form of manipulation (playing hard to get), a sign of disinterest in the relationship (for whatever reason), a protection device (if your partner was abused or violated at some point), or a control…
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Find a local place that takes women in who have abusive partners. Do it without warning or otherwise alerting him. Do not use your cell phone (or any other resource he can track, like a home computer/private email) to contact them. Your safe place will offer you counseling and other help for your si…
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First of all, if your being abused, get away from the man that's doing that to you. No one should ever get beat or threatened. Usually, men abuse women because they want something you won't give them, such as sex or money. If that's the case, don't give in. When your alone, call The National Teen Da…
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The real answer is no there are no agencies that will help you financially to do anything about getting out of an abusive relationship If you are not divorced, you can leave with your children since you are their parent. There are agencies in every town (ie Traveler's Aid, Salvation Army) that can g…
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                               Signs of AbuseThis is one of those very difficult things to find out from your children. I would have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Start out by asking if everything is goi…
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%DETAILS%%FOLLOWUPS% Studies have shown time and again that a child who grows up in an abusive environment will most likely grow into an adult who will perpetuate the cycle of abuse unless he or she seeks counseling of some sort. A child needs a positive role model in most cases to demonstrate t…
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Abusers appear to be suffering from dissociation (multiple personality). At home, they are intimidating and suffocating monsters � outdoors, they are wonderful, caring, giving, and much-admired pillars of the community. Why this duplicity? It is only partly premeditated and intended to disguise t…
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Statistics show that intimate partner abuse, including domestic violence, has declined by one half in the last decade in the United States. Jay Silverman and Gail Williamson demonstrated in "Social Ecology and Entitlements Involved in Battering by Heterosexual College Males" (published in Violence a…
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You need to remember and write down the reasons you left so that you can come back to reality. Abusive partners can seem like the most charming, best friend when they are trying to entice you back into their web. During your first time away, spend your time doing things you enjoy and being safe. I h…
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Hard to believe - but not really! All the data available is - perhaps intentionally anecdotal.  TherapyIt is commonly agreed upon that therapy is the only way that an abuser will change his ways. While an abuser may stop one kind of abuse, it is usually then replaced by another kind of abuse (…
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In general, almost nothing. If you have hard evidence regarding a planned, or attempted crime (battering, assault, and, in many places, stalking and harrassment are crimes) - report it to the police. That's just about it, as far as the law goes. Of course, depending on your relationship with the ab…
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%DETAILS% Even a complete battery of tests, administered by experienced professionals sometimes fails to identify abusers and their personality disorders. Offenders are uncanny in their ability to deceive their evaluators. They often succeed in transforming therapists and diagnosticians into four…
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To make themselves feel powerful... to let you know whose boss. Men are like that. The cultural and social context of abuse is described here: Many abusers are narcissists. The psychodynamics of narcissism - formation and manifestations - are described here: A�Primer on Narcissism   …
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Multiple abusive relationships are a classic example of not expecting change without doing anything different. One thing I've seen is people leaving one abusive relationship for their rescuer, who in turn becomes abusive and so on. One way to avoid this is to take some time after ending a relationsh…
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The domination and control by either partner in a relationship, whether abusive or not, is contrary to the personal rights of an individual. Where this relationship meets the needs of one or both, it is often enabled or tolerated. But it can lead to psychological trauma and violent situations. (see …
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It is hard, because it is not your job to parent them. Understand that verbally they will win and physical abuse is not far behind. When you are finished trying to make changes, it is time to leave. A good book with things to try is Patricia Evan's Verbally Abusive Relationship. Because they deny …
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Therapy can help as can updating your sense of attraction for men. The old saying is, "If you do not change what you are doing, then you cannot expect anything different to happen." Look at the articles on recognizing abusive men before you date and become involved with them--and try to avoid them. …
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He is very likely to call you again if he fails to secure alternative sources of narcissistic supply. May I ask a follow-up question? If he is a narcissist, is it likely or unlikely that he will stick to his word, and never contact me again. Also, has anyone else experienced such a total overni…
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Answer In the process of mediation, marital therapy, or evaluation, counselors frequently propose various techniques to ameliorate the abuse or bring it under control. Woe betides the party that dares object or turn these "recommendations" down. Thus, an abuse victim who declines to have any furt…
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Abuse by proxy is often done by an abuser when the victim is getting stronger. The abuser begins to notice that he is losing control over the victim. Abuse by proxy is when the abuser uses people and authority figures to his advantage in order to obtain more control over you by further abuse. Here a…
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If there is an addiction there might be a slight chance of getting rid of the addiction and maybe them turning there life around, but all drugs and alcohol does is allow them to do what they want that they know they couldn't do if they were sober, I was abused when I was 9 months pregnant and he did…
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Yes, you can trust after being abused. Just not the abuser. Forgiving them sets you free, but never forget. You have to set boundaries for yourself, perhaps relearning ones that are reasonable. Among other things, people you can trust will reciprocate in kind behavior, will not take advantage of you…
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Each type of abuse has its own ugly and long lasting outcome: physical injuries is only one type. But all abused victims are traumatized and often suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).   An abused person may know, intellectually, what he/she experienced was inappropriate, but if…
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Your friend is going to see what they want to see; so all you can do is try to convince him the best you can. If he doesn't see what you see then you will just have to let him come around to it on his own.
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The best reconciliation information I have read, says to separate while the process is going on. Then, you each can become the best person while apart and begin the relationship again on equal footing. That is, if his actions reflect a change in behavior. Move back in/marry with caution (leave yours…
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We both took the high road; however my sons, now in their twenties, do realize what the issue was with their father. As the first entry states: children are smart. If your husband has court mandated custody of visitation, there is little you can do legally. Your son is likely to encounter narc…
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First thing to do is to Start. There is plenty of help out there and people who will help you see it through. Follow the advice, step by step, and don't rethink every decision. I found my way out and you can, too! A year or two out of the situation you will find yourself afloat and content. You don…
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A better question to ask would be 'Why would you want to?' No one in their right mind would stay with an abusive partner on purpose, never mind help someone else do it, as you seem to be asking. If your partner is abusive to you, you need to seek help to leave, not stay. Any hospital, police station…
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Infidelity doesn't cause abuse...it causes a reaction.Then the question is whether that reaction is appropriate or not.Personally I would say that as an "out of character" reaction to infidelity a certain amount of once-off violence could be understood and forgiven, if it happened though it would st…
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Unfortunately, this person is not ACTING as a best friend. Possibly it is not intentional, but the deal is that you should reasonably expect that a best friend would act in your best interests, and be a safe person to be with. And your expectations are not happening. You need to reduce this person's…
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The time it takes to heal and move on from an abusive relations depends on the person and other factors. Here are some personal experiences and advice: I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for over 10 years. I think it depends on the person, the type(s) of abuse, and the length of the relation…
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It takes two to tango and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets two of a myriad of this dense macabre. It often ends fatally. It…
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Women stay in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons, it is never that simple. They may believe that they can work through issues with their partner and the abuse will diminish. It is never easy to leave someone when the heart is entangled, just because there is abuse doesn't mean there is n…
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You can find abuse statistics here:<A href="http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Family_Violence/Statistics/">http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Family_Violence/Statistics/It would seem that both are equally abused (when in a relationship) - but the NATURE…
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I had a similar situation, but I think the minor problem behaviors of earlier years escalated since he was in a very stressful job situation as well as the fact that I entered my 40's. I think that if he had been willing to go to counseling at this point and agreed to a "New Deal" we might have made…
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The number of advocacy groups which deal with intimate partner violence increased - even as the rates of such abuse HALVED!
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If you are looking for closure from the abuser, it cannot be expected. Better to resolve to forgive the behavior and move on with your life. I am not saying to forget the behavior and go back, but you can forgive and not let the bitterness of the injustice touch your new life. Life is short--it is m…
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Of course it is a form of abuse.The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.The abuser makes sure that HE is the o…
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There are a few options: You can be submissive.You can confront him.You can make a contract with him (which he is unlikely to keep.And you can go with him to therapy (court-mandated or voluntary. Only one answer: leave him for good!
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Children are fickle and unreliable witnesses. It is very easy to induce them to form and relate false memories or to confabulate. Additionally, the courts are biased in favor of the abuser. As a parent, you must speak on your child's behalf if you know your child is being abused. Whatever it ta…
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Statistically, the odds of an abuser changing are low. However, there are key indicators you can watch for in a person who is taking an honest interest in changing their abusive behavior: 1) They acknowledge that they are abusive, and that it is their responsibility, and not the fault of anyone els…
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As long as you confine yourself to legal methods, you can't "prevent" anyone from doing anything. You can voice an opinion, give advice, or refer to literature. But that's just about the maximum. There is nothing that a friend can do to prevent someone from going back to the abuser. A good friend …
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There are two sets of reasons - cultural/social and psychological. In male-dominated, chauvinistic, or misogynistic cultures and societies, abuse is condoned rather than condemned. Additionally, those mental health disorders associated with abuse - for instance the Narcissistic Personality Disorde…
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Abuse cuts across cultures, societies, races, ethnicities, and social-economic demographics.But there is a profile of a "typical" abuse victim, based on worldwide statistics:Most abuse victims are women, young, uneducated, poor, and non-white.  Every type of women has been abused. It doesn't m…
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Literature on Abuse According to law enforcement statistics, women abusers - especially batterers - are far rarer than male abusers. As a result, most of the literatuire deals with men. Most of the "facts" are still the same. Same personalities, only opposite. Only it's even harder for a man to get…
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It is a mild form of abuse, but still abuse. You should not be afraid to talk to him. You should talk to a counselor or get the courage to talk to him and see if he will try to change, with your help. He might not know he is doing these things and that they bother you. You have to tell him for him t…
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It's called Battered Women's Syndrome: Battered woman syndrome describes a pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships.There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault. 2. The woman has …
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Answer There are many kinds and types of abusers. It is impossible to define a single pathogenesis (origin and development of the pathological conduct). Culture and society also play a role. Abuse cuts across social-economic strata, geography, ethnic lines, and periods in history. It is associat…
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Abusive behavior rarely involves physical violence (battering). More often, it is ambient.Abusers are in full control of their actions, though they have an explosive, sadistic, and paranoid character ("temper"). They can switch the abusive behavior on and off at will. They direct their abuse at spec…
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Abusers and their victims form dyads of codependence. It takes two to tango � and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux", "shared psychosis", and the "Stockholm Syndrome" …
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Abusers and their victims form dyads of codependence. It takes two to tango � and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux", "shared psychosis", and the "Stockholm Syndrome…
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Abusers and their victims form dyad's of codependency. It takes two to tango and an equal number to sustain a long term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux", "shared psychosis", and the "Stockholm Syndrome" cap…
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Rolling their eyes, not answering a question and ignoring you--or interrupting with anger--are signs of disrespect. It is not about the subject of your comment or question, or your tone of voice, or timing or anything else. It is just plain disrespect. At work, if it is information they need to know…
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Do you mean you are frightened by the thought that he'll come home in a bad mood? If so, there is most likely an element of abuse there.On the other hand, I'd have to say most people don't know what kind of mood their spouse will be in when he/she gets home from work. I certainly can't predict my hu…
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Abuse has many causes - psychological, cultural, social, as a result of substance abuse, and so on. People tend to abuse their step-children more than they do their biological ones. They may feel less connected to them emotionally, resent the "baggage" that comes with marrying a divorcee, and, gen…
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Abusive behavior directed at a non-abusive partner isn't triggered by any misconception that her partner will be abusive. The abusive behavior is more like an immediate, reflexive defensive act against even the slightest hint or suggestion that a hurtful action may be forthcoming from the "nonabusiv…
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Answer No one should stay in a relationship with an abuser - regardless lof the nature of the legal and biological bond. Answer If you really want a relationship with her, then stay, but make it clear to her that you won't take her talking to you that way. You can't really treat her like you …
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There are two ways to approach it. I call them the submissive and the conflictive postures.   You have to just tell him calmly that the way he talks to you really bothers you and you feel it is a bit abusive. If he begins to yell and call you names, tell him that is the behavior you are talki…
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Flat out leave the guy. Tell him no and that you know he won't change. If you stay strong, he will know you mean it. Keep in mind, even if he does know you mean it, just leave and don't stay. Controlling relationships can quickly become abusive, and then it might be too late. The sooner you leave, …
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No its important to see that the woman in your life was a victim not the abuser, please just be there to support her and stay by her side keep reminding her you love her and this will help her heal. An ex abused woman will not hit her companion so please dont be afraid. You have to see that trust is…
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Note: Further stories and testimonials should be placed in the discussion section below. Of course they can. Consider narcissists, for instance: Narcissists attract abuse. Haughty, exploitative, demanding, insensitive, and quarrelsome � they tend to draw opprobrium and provoke anger and even …
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Physical fighting is abusive. Sometimes both parties are abusers and they abuse each other. But it is still abuse. Read more about the various forms of abuse here: If either person is hitting the other, it's abuse. For both people. It doesn't matter who hits first, hitting is abuse no matter wh…
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You DO have somewhere to turn. As soon as he is away from you, get to a phone and call 911. They will send the police to help you. Tell the police that you are scared for your life, and you need to get away, they WILL HELP you, I promise. Take your kids, if you have any, and get away, before he kill…
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I confronted my abuser and said that I need a healthy relationship and I won't continue to be in an abusive one. I said that I would leave if abuse continued. She admitted to verbal abuse and being controlling, but she also said that "it is not as bad as I say it is." She also says that I am an emot…
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Does the person say things that makes you feel bad and low? Does this person call you names and/or tell you that your no good for anything? Are you ever left in a room crying after your partner has said something so hurtful that you can't help but feel like less than nothing and burst into tears an…
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Domestic violence is as old as humanity. Incidents of domestic violence appear in all the great classics - from the Bible to Homer's Odyssey.It seems that to abuse the weak and the intimate comes to us naturally.
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Answer If the abuse continues - you cannot make the relationship work. Answer You both need to get counseling, separate and together. If the abuse doesn't stop, you need to get out of the relationship. It will probably be a long hard "journey", but if you are both willing to work on it, you w…
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Create some additional safety before you go: get a post office box for ALL of your mail, put codes on all of your utilities so he cannot access the information, create new bank accounts without his name on them, and so on. If you have a computer or other financial information, keep it in a secure pl…
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%REPLIES% Answer Well, it is definitely not "abusive" to want your husband to stay at home. But does he have a job? If he does have a job, it may be a bad idea, since you will need all the income you can get with 3 kids. Answer No, it's not abusive. But he should no be taking time off work…
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