How do you get over an abusive relationship that you ended yourself if you now realize you still have feelings for your abuser?

Answer 1

To be in an abusive relationship is a roller coaster of sorts. Up and down with emotions and days which go from laughing to complete terror as you are emotionally and physically assualted. When you have ended the relationship just remember you made the right decision. Whether or not you have children their lived should not be affected by abuse in the household, they deserve the best you can give. Though lonely, you will eventually see why the decisions was a necessary one when you meet someone you didn't even know existed, someone who it seems was literally made for you. If your significant other was cheating and abusing like in my case, things cant get worse and leaving them is the only option. To get me through it I just put aside that he was my best friend, put aside all the good times and closeness we shared that he had never experienced with anyone before. Most times abuse is something the abuser has witnessed himself and cant seem to control it without help, which is something often times they don't want or think they need. (They'll say things like.. this is who I am, take it or leave it). And leave it is what you need to do. It is an amazing feeling to have freedom and to not flinch when your boyfriend just raises his hand, to just be yourself and know that they will love you for you. As a former abused person in a relationship this can be a hard concept to grasp, but know everything happens for a reason and though it may be hard to be away from this individual now, it will be so worth it in the long run. Just hold on, be strong, and live life, we only get one so make sure yours is blessed with love, happiness, peace, and safety.

LOVE HIM = ASK HIM TO GET HELP AND you PRAY for him. I understand you....i have been there: so two words: JESUS and THERAPY.

It is natural to have feelings for the abuser after you finish the relationship. It's called the battered woman syndrom. There is a period of addiction to the abuser. Living with an abuser pumps so much adrenalin into your system and we become addicted to that. Life without the abuser takes a long time to adjust, possibly 7 years. Our minds play tricks and we block out all the horrible stuff and only remember the times when it was nice. Be strong and remember all the reasons why you ended it in the first place.

I just ended a relationship with my abusive boyfriend. The thing about it is that the abuse just kept escalating. I had to yell out for my 14 year old daughter to help me this last time and she actually had to witness the abuse. That was the last straw. He came over just the other day to get his stuff and tell me he was sorry and loved me. It was hard, because I had to tell him to go. I still wanted him after all of that. How sick is that? I miss him and my mind keeps justifying his behavior when there is no justification. I feel I deserve better and I can't change him he has to do that for himself. Good luck.

I can completely relate to this at this point in my life. I left my ex-husband almost two years ago and throughout that entire time, we still continued to "do things" together. We have a 3 year old daughter together and I kept holding on to fact that he might change. I still do. It's very confusing to everyone involved. My friends and family just don't understand why I only "remember" the good times. He finally has met someone else, so this is helping somewhat with me moving on with my life but he still has a way of controlling me. He still tells me that he loves me and that he's confused because he just doesn't know if I'll change (yes, he is trying to convince me that everything that happened in our relationship together was because I provoked him to do it.) I have finally forced myself to sit down and write a list of every time he hit me or called me names. I'm only up to 30 and I'm not done yet! So, this is helping me get over him and by visiting this website has been helpful, as well. I have also been catching him in lies, so this is helpful in me finally moving forward with my life. I've also been doing a lot of research on abuse and narcissistic personality disorder. I'm not completely sure if he is a true narcissist or if there is something else wrong with him? But, I do know that in my heart I will always love him. I just wish that he would really find a good therapist that he wouldn't be able to manipulate! I pray every day for him that he will get help and that maybe we could be a "healthy" family together some day. At this point, I am in "survival mode" and just really trying to move forward in my life. I have decided that God must have a plan for me and I'm trying to put all my faith in Him that He will guide my life in the direction that it is suppose to go. I have never been really "involved" in my faith but I do know that since I have been praying more...I feel stronger....like...whatever happens, will happen and I will accept it in the best way I know how. Best wishes to you and I am confident that we WILL be able to move forward in our lives....in whatever direction it goes! God bless us all!

I saw him at the shopping center. Our 7 year old ran after him. She doesn't see him on any regular basis. So we stopped and I just finished one of those "talks"with him. Now,I'm filled with all those feelings again- I want to cry, I'm hurt and angry. I was glad to see him but now I have mixed feelings because I'm in that head trip again, in my mind. Filled with a kind of sad joy and wishful regretting. You know what I'm feeling. I still love him no matter how much I wish we could be different. There's all the reasons to leave it alone and then when I see him something still exists there in my heart. My inner voice told me not to stop and talk but I did. A small flicker lingers. Sex was always good but most everything else was not. And then, I had to get honest with myself. Sex couldn't cover up the truth anymore. The hurtful history and present would always outweigh any justifiable fantasy. It wasn't going to change if I stayed. So we are apart and, this time, it's for good. I wish so many times it would turn out different but it won't. I have to get out of the way so God can deal with him. So God can deal with me. Why did I stay so long only to hurt and miss someone who hurt me so very very much. And so, I say this. One day at a time. Go slow and allow myself to feel all those feelings. And, breathe deeply and feel life. I believe in time, God will help both of us as this is our journey and we were apart of one another and now not. In the end, what is suppose to happen will happen and I'll survive it. I'll survive him. And he will survive me.

I agree with everyone response on here. I've been in an abusive relationship for over a year and then some. Actually, I am involved with an a man that works for MNPD and I love him with all my heart. The crazy thing about it the last time it happen I called the police on the POLICE and we went through all the legal things to go through! Order of protection, not speaking, etc. and through out it all we still continue to mess around. I once again thought that he had changed because of everything that had gone on between the both of us, but I see that he still tries to control my life and who I see in a way. He's always asking who I am involved with or still accusing me of messing with someone; when he and I aren't in a committed relationship anymore. I have told him that I am content with how we are now and that I know that he and I could never be in a serious relationship anymore. I have learned to separate my feelings from wanting him as mine. He gets mad when I don't answer his questions or says that I am lying about who I have been with since all this has happen, but I don't question him about his personal life. He asked me this last time, What do you want from me?" I told him that I didn't want anything from him and that I was content with how we were. Is is that he is the one with the feelings and not me?? Now, I do still care and love him very deeply, but he has issues that he need to seek help for. The feelings just don't go away for the person especially if he was all you wanted in a man besides his abusiveness. Why do I continue to be involved with this person when only to always in up in the same boast??? I can't answer that. All I know is when I see him it makes me want him even more although I know it's not healthy for me or my son.

Hi there Girls-

I am a 42 year old woman who was ejected from my x's life over 11 months ago. We were together for nearly 2 years. A little background. I am an accomplished woman. With a great job, creative, fit and NOT a mother. Well, Mr.Trouble as we shall call him had two wonderful little boys whom he was raising on his own. When I met Mr. Trouble within 5 seconds I knew he was not a very nice person, he was charming but pushy, smelt of hard booze and was scruffy and not at all the type I would take home to my parents with any kind of pride in my heart.

At 40 I wanted badly to be a mother. I knew the clock was ticking and that this might be my last chance to at least be a "step-mom". I dove in full throttle. With blinders on. I wanted the Leave It To Beaver life. You know the one. The children playing, the house, the man, the great community of friends etc...

Well, what my Leave It To Beaver life became was this... his mother was a control freak-mean, hurtful, bit supportive of me at all, the children while wonderful had some major problems due to the fact that their real mother left them high and dry to be raised by a drunk father. Mr. Trouble was charming at times- funny, witty, sexy but in reality a liar, a cheat, a user (he had me paying mortgage on his and his wifes home (did I mention that after he asked to marry me I found out he was STILL married to his wife)!!! His wife was a crank addict who hated the fact that another women had won the affections of her 2 and 3 year old sons. She would call the house in a rage demanding the children NOT call me "mom". I never felt comfortable with them calling me that and made clear communication with the boys that I was not their real mother, to which they replied, we know but we wish you were. He drank nearly every day, called me a liar, crazy in front of his children. He pushed me, slapped me and threatened me in front of his children.

I became more and more involved in trying to work it out... I had become so close with the children and how do you leave a child who has already been left by their mother. When you look down at those sweet sad eyes how do you say good-bye.

Well, the straw broke 11 moths ago when he packed all my things and stuck them on the porch and told me to leave. I left. Now 11 months later after therapy on my part and numerous crying nights he calls on my cell phone. He was drunk and saying how he missed me, loved me the kids missed me, loved me etc... what a mind twist. He said he would call again. That was over a month ago.

Since then I have heard he was arrested for DUI with kids in the car, drunk in public, possession of pot, driving with a suspended license and more. He has been sentenced and it is not enough for him to learn anything.

Now, you ask, we ask ourselves why this happens to us. We are great women with great love to give. Why? After months of therapy, I can kind of understand why for me. It was the kids. With such a desire to be a "mom" I did not see clearly the man who's children they were. However, and this is a BIG ONE GIRLS... GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING!!! They say that it takes 10 seconds to know someone. Those first few moments mean everything. I knew he was an ass within the first 5. I ignored it! Why. That may take another year to figure out... but I know now that I will NEVER again not listen to my gut! EVER!!!

It is better to be alone. Trust me on this one. Than to be with someone who is cruel. If you are in a cycle where you are missing the adrenaline rush of abuse. please take up exercise. Swimming is great. Get in there and go GIRL!!!

I wish I could say something that would click with all the women out there who get into this stuff with men. MEN DO NOT DEFINE US, WE DEFINE US!!!

Hang with your great women friends. When you are ready to date again. Do the man thing... TEST MEN!!! Try them out like a new car. Take them for a test drive. You don't have to buy the car. Get a vibrator!!! IF you need some TLC. Our hearts so easily succumb to sex with men, they know that and they use it. In the end most men are afraid of a powerful, intelligent, sexy women... is it worth being with anyone who won't let you be the VERY BEST THAT YOU ARE???

I love all of you my sisters... let us not forget that the oppression of women by men has been going on for thousands and I MEAN thousands of years. We owe it to our ancestors to love ourselves and not allow this kind of treatment to happen any longer.

Think of it this way. Think of all the mean hateful things men have ever said to you... now, would you say those things to yourself? Or better yet, would you allow a stranger to say them to you, a friend... anyone. Then why do you allow HIM to?

Imagine yourself as a child say 6 years old... would you allow someone to say those things to you as a 6 year old child, would you allow a man to push, beat, hit, spit, be drunk, say hateful things to a 6 year old child? Then why do you let them be said to you now as an adult? You think you can "take it"... well why should you??

I wish us all great healing. Intelligence, open hearts for a kind man and health.