What can you do if your daughter left her abusive boyfriend and then he came back and she took him back and you think he's threatening her but she won't talk to you and you want to help her?

Answer 1

I volunteer at an Abused Women's Center so I hear many stories, but one thing I see a pattern of is the victim going back to their abuser. Doesn't make sense to some of us, but there is a reason. The victim is brain-washed, feels worthless, depressed, embarrassed, lacks energy and is fearful or can even be paranoid. Emotional abuse can be just as devastating as physical abuse and just as there are scars on the victim from physical abuse, there can be scars in the mind of an abused person. There are more and more abused women finally seeing the light and fleeing for freedom, but it's usually help through an Abused Women's Center or psychological counseling and our laws are changing slowly, but surely. There was a young actress back in the 70s that was stalked by her live-in boyfriend that she left and he attacked her out in broad daylight (not trying to scare you here, but, I'm trying to put a little sense into your daughter's head) and from her experiences she started many Centers to help abused women and also helped to change some of the laws. Nancy Reagan is also involved in changing the laws re abuse of any sort against women. I am going to try and look up the story of that young actress "Theresa Saldana" and either give you the web addy or if it's not too long I'll post it for you on this board. Please print it out and let your daughter read it when she comes over the next time. Don't say a word, just tell her you wanted her to read this and then go and do something else around the house. After she has read it let her do the talking. You have to understand the enemy "her abuser" so you can understand why she went back to him. Abusive men (and there are abusive women as well) are all about control. They may not have been able to control any part of their environment growing up so are unable to control certain parts of their life out in society. They usually come from abusive homes themselves, or, some have been abused in society and then there are just some men that are mean to the bone. They are actually weak in themselves and are sure not to abuse their victim around other men. If it came down to another man standing up to any abuse against a woman the abuser has a yellow streak running right down his back. They pick on the weak and innocent. Don't discount children or the elderly either, because they can certainly turn a mean mood on them as well. The only thing they can control is the women they choose and the privacy behind the door of their private life. An abuser will control his girlfriend, wife, kids and even down to the family dog. He may appear to be a great guy on the outside because abusers are great chameleons around family and friends, but can turn into a monster behind the privacy of closed doors and abusive men come from all walks of life .... executives, doctors, lawyers, a famous person, or the guy next door. There is a pattern to abusive men. They will usually be very nice to their victim (and probably mean it in their own wee brains) and he'll either start not turning up for dates, being rude, telling her where she can go and what she can do or even what to wear as far as clothing. The next step is to get her away from family and her old friends. Often, if married or living together the abuser will move further away from the victim's family and friends and this gives him more control. Abuse usually begins by him telling her that she's a lousy cook, not worth anything, ugly, stupid, she simply can't make it without him or "who would want her when she's so ugly and stupid," until he has her completely brain-washed. This is not a conscious effort on his part to actually have the brains to create this web of deceit against his victim, but his own insecurities. He's mad at the world! He can't control anything in society and knows society wouldn't put up with his behavior. Something as simple as being reprimanded at work or even being pushed out of the circle of guys at work could set an abuser off or he may feel "ripped off" doing business out in society. He already has a chip on his shoulder and abusers can be extremely paranoid. The only safe haven where he feels relaxed and in control is at home and so it's his girlfriend or wife or kids that gets the worst of him. Abusers seldom seek psychological counseling because they are extremely possessive over material things such as THEIR property, THEIR home, THEIR wife, girlfriend and kids and feel there is a special law for them and that not even law enforcement have the right to question him on his behavior at home regarding abusing his wife. Even if your daughter were willing to leave and get a Restraining Order against him that document isn't work the paper it's written on. Police really do want to help abused women, but even if their is a complaint and the woman has cuts, bruises, missing teeth or broken bones the victim will seldom press charges against her abuser. In Canada a police officer can actually press charges against the abuser if he feels it warrants it and does not need the permission of the victim. Even if the victim is so badly beaten that she ends up in hospital or is even treated for broken bones and the doctor treating her knows she has been abused (they do know) she will lie and make up excuses to protect her abuser. She's terrified, brain-washed and really believes that she has nowhere to go so she convinces herself that she loves this guy. An abuser will often beat his victim and then stomp out of the house and the very next day, all smiles, come home with a bouquet of flowers or be very affectionate to his victim and promise her, "I'll never do it again!" Of course he will hit her again. There is some homework you can do and here it is: Go on www.Google.com and type in: Why do Abused Women go back to their abusive partners? There is a lot of info out there and I've just touched the tip of the iceberg on the above. Print it out if you have a printer and if you don't, forward that information to a trusted friend and have them print it out. Then go on www.google.com again and type in: What makes men abusive and what can you do about it? The information you'll read will give you some tools to understand what your daughter is going through and also to "get to know your enemy" ... the abuser! You can also look up in the phone book Abused Women's Centers and if you can't find it your local operator may have this information or you can phone "Mental Health" in your area and they will give you information. Go talk to one of the counselors there because they do know what they are doing and deal with thousands of abused women. The next step is one I know you won't like, but if you want to get your daughter out of this abusive relationship and possibly save her life, then you are going to have to practice "tough love." Right now you are a loving mom, but an "enabler." You're making the situation worse. I know you don't mean it and you love your daughter a great deal, but you have to get some control over the situation or walk away. So here is what you do: Get all of the information I told you to. If you daughter comes over even for a visit sit down over a cup of coffee and talk about other things and every so often slip in a little of the information you have learned about. WHATEVER YOU DO, don't attack her boyfriend in any way. By doing this she will immediately feel she has to protect him and she'll leave. It's best to aim towards how she feels about the situation. Let her know you understand, but be sure you also know you don't approve. Tell her you love her and "what happened to my daughter that use to be so independent?" Don't try to fix her abuse problem all in one visit and you are going to have to restrain yourself from frustration and REALLY understand what keeps her glued to this boyfriend. By slipping in a little info re abuse in your normal conversation she will let it sink in eventually. If you daughter especially comes to you with bruises, split lips, black eyes, etc., it's time to start "tough love." Also tape ALL calls if her boyfriend phones you daughter in your home. This is evidence and although not always admissable in a court of law the judge on the case has a right to listen to these tapes in his Chambers. You should take pictures of the marks and then march her down to the Abused Women's Center. Be there for support. The Abused Women's Center has counselors and they are great people. They know how to deal with this sort of thing and they will help you both through the process. Your daughter will be sent to a "safe house" and her boyfriend won't find her. At the "safe house" they are given counseling and also legal counseling, but, they are also expected to keep appointments for Abused Women's Programs that they have and also any doctor's appointments. Your daughter will stay there for a certain amount of time. They can also offer some legal counsel and a counselor will even go to court with her (trained in this area) if needed. Here is where the real "tough love" comes in. You have to make up your mind if you are going to start practicing "tough love" or enabling your daughter to stay in the abusive situation she is in. If she refuses help when she comes running to you or she refuses to seek counseling at the Abused Women's Center, then you will have to do something extremely difficult for a mother. You're going to have to say, "Dear, I love you with all my heart and it's killing me and wearing me down to see you abused. I know a person that loves another person doesn't abuse them. I can't understand why you keep going back after I've just given you all this information and you're not even trying. I will always be here for you, but, until you are ready to take a stand and get your life back you are NOT coming here to moan and groan and lick your wounds! I'm here to help you in any way, but I can't stand to see you being abused any longer. You are no longer a child, but a woman, and you are in control of your life. When you've decided to seek help with my support then come home and we'll work on it. No more running home to stay here and then going back to your abusive boyfriend. Remember, I love you!" I know what I've asked of you is one of a mother's worst nightmares, but if you keep letting her stay in your home every time she is abused this will only continue. This is serious and some women die from the beatings or, in some cases the abuser may even murder. I am telling you the facts and not trying to hurt you. If you are kind, but stay calm (even though you feel your stomach is up in your mouth constantly) and try to convince your daughter to leave her abusive boyfriend and she doesn't listen then there is nothing you can do. It has to come from her! If you need any help finding an Abused Women's Center in your area or need any information then please answer my post and tell me what City and State you live in and I'll do anything I can to help you. Remember, YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER ARE NOT ALONE! There is help out there and there are thousands of abused women out in this world. If your daughter will go to these programs she will meet women in her situation and not feel so alone. Marcy Provide her with the "Bill of Rights" and then be open to talking about anything. It is very hard for people with low self-esteem to "get it" and to stay away from their abuser. They tend to think it will get better if they do the right thing. Here is one version:

Personal Bill of Rights 1. I have the right to ask for what I want 2. I have the right to. say no to requests or demands I can't meet. 3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative. 4. I have the right to change my mind. 5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect. 6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards. 7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values. 8. I have the right to determine my own priorities. 9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems 10. I have the right to expect honesty from others. 11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love. 12. I have the right to be uniquely myself. 13. I have the right to feel scared and say 'I'm afraid." 14. I have the right to say "1 don't know." 15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior. 16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings. 17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time. 18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous. 19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me. 20. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment. 21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people. 22. I have the right to change and grow. 23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others 24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect 25. I have the right to be happy.