What would you like to do?
It is hard, because it is not your job to parent them. Understand
that verbally they will win and physical abuse is not far behind.
When you are finished trying to make changes, it is time to leave.
A good book with things to try is Patricia Evan's Verbally Abusive
Relationship.
Because they deny that they are abusers to start with! Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place - or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror". There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether. Total denial 1. Outright denial Typical retorts by the abuser: "It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abuser's) feelings" 2. Alloplastic defense Common sentences when challenged: "It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior" 3. Altruistic defense Usual convoluted explanations: "I did it for you, in your best interests" 4. Transformative defense Recurring themes: "What I did to you was not abuse - it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse" Abusers frequently have narcissistic traits. As such, they are more concerned with appearance than with substance. Dependent for narcissistic supply on the community - neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family - they cultivate an unblemished reputation for honesty, industriousness, religiosity, reliability, and conformity. Forms of denial in public 4. Family honor stricture Characteristic admonitions: "We don't do dirty laundry publicly, the family's honor and repute must be preserved, what will the neighbors say?" 5. Family functioning stricture Dire and ominous scenarios: "If you snitch and inform the authorities, they will take me (the abusive parent) away and the whole family will disintegrate" Confronting the abuser with incontrovertible proof of his abusive behavior is one way of minimizing contact with him. Abusers - like the narcissists that they often are - cannot tolerate criticism or disagreement. Answer These they never want to face up to being wrong and if their alcoholics who have black outs, you will never hear I'm sorry. Most of the times they odn't remember what they said and even deny having ever said such words. My mother who is an alcoholic for 30 years is a fine example. She never has to apolize because she has no recollection of her words the next day. These people are incaple of feeling anything real, and a horrible breed of people. I really don't like my mother at all, and I think she'e very sick. Answer If they cared to be accountable, and responsible they wouldn't be abusing you. Being accountable means they have to recognize the behavior. Recognizing the behavior means that they take responsibility. Taking responsibilty means they can't be pukes. Not being pukes means they have to be productive... get the picture. Holding someone accountable.. means they have to change, be responsible.... abusers don't want that. Answer There are few things abusers dread more than having to face up to their own odious selves. Emotionally, they are firmly stuck in the kindergarten playground. They can't own their actions. Instead, they go to the playground supervisor, and howl, 'It's not fair. Everybody's being **beastly** to me'. (Sob, sob). It never enters their tiny minds that they are the ones who're being 'beastly'.
Because they deny that they are abusers to start with! Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place - or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror". There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether. Total denial 1. Outright denial Typical retorts by the abuser: "It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abuser's) feelings" 2. Alloplastic defense Common sentences when challenged: "It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior" 3. Altruistic defense Usual convoluted explanations: "I did it for you, in your best interests" 4. Transformative defense Recurring themes: "What I did to you was not abuse - it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse" Abusers frequently have narcissistic traits. As such, they are more concerned with appearance than with substance. Dependent for narcissistic supply on the community - neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family - they cultivate an unblemished reputation for honesty, industriousness, religiosity, reliability, and conformity. Forms of denial in public 4. Family honor stricture Characteristic admonitions: "We don't do dirty laundry publicly, the family's honor and repute must be preserved, what will the neighbors say?" 5. Family functioning stricture Dire and ominous scenarios: "If you snitch and inform the authorities, they will take me (the abusive parent) away and the whole family will disintegrate" Confronting the abuser with incontrovertible proof of his abusive behavior is one way of minimizing contact with him. Abusers - like the narcissists that they often are - cannot tolerate criticism or disagreement. Answer These they never want to face up to being wrong and if their alcoholics who have black outs, you will never hear I'm sorry. Most of the times they odn't remember what they said and even deny having ever said such words. My mother who is an alcoholic for 30 years is a fine example. She never has to apolize because she has no recollection of her words the next day. These people are incaple of feeling anything real, and a horrible breed of people. I really don't like my mother at all, and I think she'e very sick. Answer If they cared to be accountable, and responsible they wouldn't be abusing you. Being accountable means they have to recognize the behavior. Recognizing the behavior means that they take responsibility. Taking responsibilty means they can't be pukes. Not being pukes means they have to be productive... get the picture. Holding someone accountable.. means they have to change, be responsible.... abusers don't want that. Answer There are few things abusers dread more than having to face up to their own odious selves. Emotionally, they are firmly stuck in the kindergarten playground. They can't own their actions. Instead, they go to the playground supervisor, and howl, 'It's not fair. Everybody's being **beastly** to me'. (Sob, sob). It never enters their tiny minds that they are the ones who're being 'beastly'.
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Can an abuser be accountable for his actions and change his ways?
Yes, they are accountable for their actions. It is possible for them to change, but they need to go through professional help. And if they have a partner that is going to go t…hrough it with them, they will need counseling also. Both will need individual and couples counseling. They should be held accountable.. to the maximum. My daughter is the administrator of a domestic violence shelter. I totally agree with her response to the "change his ways" query. (A question that is asked by 99% of domestic violence survivors). "You can take the animal out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the animal." Once an abuser ALWAYS an abuser. Â Abusers are fully accountable for their actions because they know right from wrong and do nmot act on an irresistible impulse. Â It depends greatly on the particular mental illness. Bprderline personality disorder persons usually do not take accountability for their actions and feel a sense of entitlment. It is advise in the professional psychological community to leave the relationship and break all ties because of the prasinign and devaluing phases someone like this goes through the abuse is more likely to get worse upon returning especially with the high cases of denial found among those with BDP. I advise all women & men dealing with someone with BDP to just get out! Stalkers and the Borderline Personality The Borderline Personality In recent years psychologists have learned about and done case studies on a new personality disorder which the DSM-III-R classifies as an Axis II disorder- the Borderline Personality . This classification includes such personality disorders as the Anti-social Personality, the Histrionic Personality and the Narcissistic Personality. Several psychologists (including myself) diagonosed my stalker as afflicted with the Borderline Personality. Characteristic of the Borderline (derived from research done by Kreisman & Straus, 1989) are: a shaky sense of identity sudden, violent outbursts oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection brief, turbulent love affairs frequent periods of intense depression eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone Not much research has been done on the Borderline Personality, and for many years it was difficult to diagnose- and to treat. A Borderline often feels as though his/her life is marked with a distinctive emptiness; a void in which a relationship often acts to fill. Many times the Borderline is a victim of an early dysfunctional family situation and/or emotional/physical abuse by those he/she trusted early on in childhood. The Borderline is psychotic , in the original, psychological meaning of the term: he/she is not in control and not in touch with reality. To the Borderline, a softly spoken word of advice can be construed as a threat on his/her emotional stability. An outsider's viewpoint that the Borderline is not in touch with reality often ends in a bitter and irrational dissassociation from the outsider on the part of the Borderline. Often, the Borderline ends up very much alone and victim to his/her disillusions. The Borderline stalker is very apt to see his/her actions as perfectly justified; he/she has paranoid disillusions which support these-often with disturbing frequency. The Borderline often has brief love affairs which end abruptly, turbulently and leave the Borderline with enhanced feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt and a fear that is not often experienced by rational people. When the Borderline's relationships turn sour, the Borderline often begins to, at first, harass the estranged partner with unnecessary apologies and/or apologetic behavior (i.e. letters of apology 'from the heart', flowers delivered at one's place of employment, early morning weeping phonecalls, etc.). However, the Borderline does not construe his/her behavior as harassment- to the Borderline he/she is being 'responsible' for his/her past behaviors. The next phase of the Borderline Personality develops relatively quickly and soon he/she feels suddenly betrayed, hurt, etc. and seeks to victimize the estranged partner in any way he/she can Strangely enough, this deleterious behavior is always coupled with a need to be near or in constant contact with the estranged partner . While sending threats to the estranged partner, it is very common for the Borderline to begin to stalk his/her estranged partner in an effort to maintain contact. This effort is motivated by the excruciating fear that the Borderline will end up alone and anger that [the estranged partner] has put him/her in this position. We are finding, in many cases, that a great deal of stalking behavior is associated with Borderline or related personality disorders. Earlier research did not incorporate the Borderline Personality in stalking profiles; research now is beginning to focus on the Borderline in such disorders as Erotomania, etc.
Is it common for abusers never to apologize or hold themselves accountable for their actions?
Abusers rarely apologize, actuallly. They either shift blame - or deny that abuse had taken place at all!
Why is it that many abuser programs stress education about abuse and confronting the abuser rather than holding the abuser accountable for his actions and forcing him to change?
Answer .
I volunteer at an Abused Women's Center and there are good programs for the victim to learn what is abuse, why it's wrong, and how to get out of the relationship.… It gives you the tools to be confident once again and gives the victim a chance to stand on their own two feet and actually have a life of their own (and their children if they have any.) Victims of abuse don't always realize that they have been brain-washed by having their confidence level taken down to zero (or they wouldn't be sticking around) and the feeling that they simply can't make it out in the real world (the abuser sees to that!) These programs teach you otherwise and that your abuser was brain-washing the victim to make her think she was good for nothing and needed him because she'd never make it out in that big scary world. Not true! \n.
\nI have never once heard in counseling of abused women in the Center I am in where they tell you to confront their abuser. That's simply too dangerous. We have counselors that help the victims make a plan to get away, then set things up where they are taken to a "safe house" or "Transition House" where they are safe from harm. I don't even know where these "safe houses" are and only the counselor in charge does. These "safe houses" give programs to help the woman regain their strength mentally and physically, and regain her power to keep herself safe and also, to learn not to get back into another abusive relationship and learn the signs of abusive behavior. The RCMP in British Columbia actually have programs to help women defend themselves.\n.
\nIt is true that in the past there were few laws that protected the victim from the abuser. Things are changing every single day. There are laws in certain States now (Nancy Reagan is fighting for the Rights of Women) and also Theresa Saldana (a victim of abuse and a savage attack ... stabbed many times, but survived) have also managed to change laws. Abusers ARE now being made responsible for their actions.\n.
\nAt least in British Columbia if the police are called to a "domestic abuse" situation they use to be held up legally by the victim being too afraid to press charges against her abuser, but now the police can actually arrest the abuser without her blessing.\n.
\nIf you would like any further detailed information please just post me back.\n.
\nMarcy
Why is it so hard to find a perfect person for you?
The perfect person for you is hard to find because no person is perfect for you. There either taken or probably just gay! You should look for someone with good looks gre…at personality and cares about YOU! Just keep looking and someone will come.
Why is it so hard to get out of an abusive relationship?
Because most girls in an abusive relationshipnever have the courage to fight back or stand up for themselves, they may also have low self esteem, and the most current and comm…on reason is i love him! Also, because most people find it hard to get out of an abusive relationship because they are afraid if they do, the abuser will be angry and full of rage to the point where they might hurt the victim.
Why is it so hard to let go of your abusive boyfriend?
The abused has allowed themselves to believe that they are the cause of the abuse are not worthy of any better treatment.
Why is making a YouTube account so hard?
It isn't necessarily hard, it just takes a little while because they want to know your email, your zip code, your username (which probably takes the longest since most of the …time somebody already has the username you would like...) your password, the country you live in etc. And sometimes it can get a little frustrating...
Abusive brother enough for police to become involved My brother hits me hard and holds me in headlocks so that my protective dog will try to jump on him but instead my dog accidental scratches me?
This isn't a question, but it is sad. Maybe "beef up" and attack your brother first next time?
When does a persons actions become abusive?
There are several types of abuse...financial, physical, emotional/verbal and sexual. If someone stops ones movement, (example: hands on, or blocking one from leaving a room or… residence). If someone uses someones money without consent and not for the benefit of the person the money belongs to. If someone yells, talks down to, or if someone does things or does NOT do things, because they are AFRAID of actions taken by that person than most likely their actions have become abusive already. Also I must add that sexual is abuse is more common than people realize, but if one is having relations because of fear of what might happen if they don't...or they are forced to participate against their will, this is abuse. If someone is harming a person physically, slapping, pushing, pinching, kicking, punching or grabbing, this is abuse. If your experiencing any of these, than you are being abused, if you have asked for them to stop and they don't. And if your a person, who is unable to stop controlling another person in any one of the above ways... your actions have already become abusive.
Why is it so hard to get into your Google account?
it really isnt...all you do is type gmail.com into the web browser and the log in page pops up and you type in your info and your in
How do members of Congress hold bureaucrats accountable for their actions?
They must impeach the bureaucrats. This is to bring charges against the official, in that case, it is sent to the supreme court pending investigation. If the accusations are p…roven true, the official will be removed from office
Why is it so hard for you to move on if you were in a abusive relationship?
Usually it is because you don't want to believe that a person did that to you. You try to shove it off and say maybe it was my fault he/she hit me. You think maybe it was an a…ccident or it wont happen again. Do not get back in a relationship with someone who has abused you. It is very dangerous, especially when the person has a criminal record. You have to watch out for some of these things. Maybe you were in love with this person but something just slipped. You want to think that it all was just a dream. Some people actually think that when something traumatizing has happened. Your true love will come someday. The only way they won't is if you stop looking for them. I really hope my answer helped
Answered
Why is it so hard to walk away from a parent who emotionally abuses you?
Is the only thing you've ever known it's you dont know what the outside world is like
Answered
In Uncategorized
Why it is so hard to make account?
The reason it might be so hard to make an account will differ depending on what type of account one is trying to set up. Poor website and form design could make it hard for pe…ople to sign up for accounts. Long and confusing paperwork might also be another reason.
Answered
In Uncategorized
The media adequately holds politicians accountable for their statements and actions?
No
Answered
Why is getting hold of hydrogen so hard?
It isn't hard to get hold of Hydrogen. Simply put a current of electricity through water and you will split the two hydrogen atoms from the oxygen atom. I think you may be mis…taking Hydrogen for Helium. Helium cannot be manufactured its a by-product of natural gas that has been distilled in radioactive decay for a very long time and you cant take one element and turn it into another.
Answered
In Judaism
How does Judaism hold Jews accountable for their actions to their fellow man?
Judaism says all of us are accountable to each other, as well as to God. In fact, during the Ten Days of Repentance, which occur between Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) an…d the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), we are commanded to make amends and apologize to those we have wronged. Then and only then can we ask God to forgive us for the wrongs we committed against His commandments. The Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) frequently talks about the way we must treat our fellow men and women: we are told to treat those who are less fortunate with compassion: help the widow and the orphan, feed the hungry, and show hospitality to the stranger-- whether that stranger is a Jewish person or a non-Jewish person. We are also supposed to stand up for justice and ethics, and set an example for behaving in a way that brings credit to the One who made us. Unlike Christianity, which believes that Jesus died to atone for our sins, Jews believe that each of us is responsible for our own wrong-doings, and each of us must sincerely repent, turn away from sin, and commit to living in accordance with the Commandments God gave us. Judaism teaches that no-one can die for our sins-- only we can atone, and it is up to us to make the decision to change our behavior. Judaism also teaches that we must do our part to make the world better: while certain things in society are not specifically our fault (issues like poverty, income inequality, or racism, for example), that does not mean we can ignore them or turn away from them. We are commanded to perform acts that "repair the world" (tikkun olam) and make a sincere effort to create a more just and welcoming society. In cases when one has had damages inflicted, or has himself caused damages, the Jewish halakha (law), based on the Talmud, specifies the exact details of procedure and financial reparations. These laws are to this day upheld by Jewish rabbinical courts whenever possible.