How do you know if your spouse is cheating because he is no longer taking showers at home and when asked about it he gets very defensive?

Answer 1

Boy, this is a hard one, because even the cheaters can have the brass to look their mate in the eye and lie like a sidewalk and feel "put upon" if you ask them if they are cheating, but, on the other hand some men simply DON'T cheat! Posters can't see what is going on with a couple or a person, so any info is really important (even if you have to post twice) so we don't get it wrong and don't cause any problems in an otherwise healthy relationship. You can reply to this message and I would appreciate it if you could answer the questions below. I just don't get the message, but other posters do as well so we can all put our thinking caps on. This is a much better way because after all, one is toying with another's life and I really like to try and give out good advice and not a guestimate. So, please reply to my post with a little more information such as:

Has he not been coming home on timeDoes he say he'll be home for dinner and doesn't bother to phoneIs he an executive (sometimes working O/T there are showers at work)Is he into sports where he could very well have a shower before coming homeAre you both getting along basicallyIs he doing other things that make you suspiciousHas he become secretiveHave you found phone #s written down and no nameAre you getting phone calls where someone is hanging upHave you checked out his cell phone to see if he has women's phone #s Have you checked out your credit cards to see if he's been at a motel/hotel

Sure hope to hear from you.

Marcy

Thank you so much Marcy, TO answer some of your question well my husband is in the service and as for us both we are having some problems in the marriage. Our problems started about 1 yr ago and since then things look to be going good but then after X-mas things have gotten worse. See I went home to visit my folks and when I got back from my visit he had this rash all over his body and it was even in the gential area. I questioned him about it and he got very defensive about.He went to the Naval doctors and they told him it was nothing and gave him this creme to appy all over his body. It seemed to work and the rash went away after he took leave and was home with me. But after he went back to work it has reappeared back and since then I have been tested for STD.Right now he is upset with me about getting tested but I did that to protect myself. I have even questioned him about the showering at work and he stated that he is doing PT (work out) every day which come to find out he has been lieing about that. He leaves home every morning about 4am and gets home around 7pm. He say's he isn't doing anything and to be honest I truly want to believe in him but it is very hard after being in a previous marriage when my first husband cheated on me. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is cheating on me. The reason for that is because when he comes home at night, he washed his clothes and his towel smells like semen. He says it is all in my head but I just don't know.I have asked him to attend marriage counseling with me but he states we don't need it, that I just need to trust him. But how can I trust someone that I feel is being so secretive.

Hopefully I am just being over sensitive.

NAY

Hi Nay

It's great to hear from you and I apologize for taking longer to answer you, but I have to go down the list of all the posts I've done.

I know that servicemen don't have the best track record when it comes to seeing other women, but there could be other reasons for this rash. You didn't say in what force he's in, or, if he was in active duty.

During the Gulf War mostly American men, but some Canadian men came home with rashes, not feeling well and had flu-like symptoms. Their girlfriends and wives began to complain that after having sex they had a terrible burning inside of them. On and on the complaints went until a group of wives banned together and got to the bottom of it. Both the American and Canadian governments refused to accept any responsibility for the condition of these men. To make a long story short, yes indeed these men had come in contact with a type of gas and it left devastating side effects on the men. American and Canadian men were compensated for the egotistical and sneaky actions of both governments. Not much has been heard since, so I don't know exactly how these men are doing at the present time. If you remember on the news many young married servicemen before going off to Iraq were having their sperm frozen. There is a good reason for that!

When you are in the service there is always a shroud of secrecy where your husband may not be able to talk about certain things concerning where is, what they are doing or even what type of training they are doing. Security is very high even through customs between the U.S. and Canada, Immigration, etc., and all is mum.

I highly doubt that the rash on his body is caused by a genital disease. He could even have hives (from allergic reactions to his uniform, gear, etc.) I think he has been having a reaction to something and it's too bad you couldn't have accompanied him to the Naval doctor. There is one last thing you can do and that is take him to a skin specialist. He's mad at you already so you might as well get this over with. At least you will get a name to the problem he has. The fact he went back and then came home with the same rash tells me again that he has an allergic reaction to something. Hives can certainly cause this and I've had them. The next time you see them on him give him two capsules of Benadryl (25 mgs. each ... it's an antihistamine) and if this rash goes away then he has an allergy to something. If it doesn't go away then it's something else. Hives can make you very ill and cranky (I was) but when I took the Benadryl at the hospital that did the trick.

Guys in service do shower often. They exercise a great deal (drill as well) and go on tours (also exercise drills) and come back sweaty and dirty. I believe him on this one. How did you come to the conclusion he was lying about this?

Perspiration can smell salty like semen, so I wouldn't get too upset over that. If he was cheating on you I highly doubt he would ejaculate into a towel and bring it home.

I worked in a doctor's office and it was a rule that once home any staff had to shower (hair as well) and wash our uniforms for obvious reasons ... germs.

My gut feeling tells me you are a little too over-anxious because of a bad experience before with an ex. I was married before as well to a guy that cheated on me and I divorced him after I caught him, and I've now been married to a wonderful man for almost 34 years. At some point hon, you need to trust him and you need to sit down and communicate with him more. If you are only going to accuse him constantly then he is going to go into his shell. My husband and I can get through almost any problem together by talking and we've never needed to seek marriage counseling. If you force your husband to seek marriage counseling he will not cooperate (most men don't.) Men can be very private about their relationships so to make him go to psychiatrist/psychologist is a sign of weakness to many men.

Try taking a few deep breaths and read what I have written. Then one night when he comes home tell him you both have to sit down and talk things out. Be smart and ask him how he feels first and listen to him. Then you tell him how you feel.

I go by rule of thumb ... even if my second husband wants to cheat on me I can't stop him, but I will be damned if I'll let my former husband's actions ruin the marriage I have with the man I love now. I am not a stupid woman, but I know this man like the back of my hand and if he was cheating I would know it from the way he walked up the driveway every night. You are young and haven't been married that long, but if you both can make it through the first 10 years of marriage and try to be open and honest with each other you will know each other very well. The world in general is a place of mistrust, but sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and take a chance every so often.

I'm right here if you need to talk to me Nay.

Good luck on that talkMarcy

Well hello again, Thank you so much for your advice. I must say I am very insecure when it comes to things like this with my husband and I. It is just alot has been going on here with us and it just seems like things arent getting any better. I have come to a decision last nite, that I'm just going to leave him alone about the shower issue and also about his rash. To give you a idea about how the rash is, well first it looked liked Ringworms but when he went to the Dr they first gave him some creme to apply to the rashes and instead it got really bad. Then after about 3 dys he returned to them again and the did a scrap test on several of the rashes and they said they have no clue as to what he has got. I thought it was ringworms but the Dr. said it wasnt and he did say it was not a fungal infection. The rashes kinda looks like SCABIES but I know it isn't because if it was I would have it and so would the kids. But neways, after being treated with the creme, the rash started to disappear. But now since he is currently back to work after taking leave and not taking showers here, the rash is back and it is very bad again. Like last night we got into the huge fuss about it because he is not wanting to go back to the doctor. The reason for wanting him to go back is because I'm 29 weeks pregnant and I'm just so scared I'm going to catch it. My Dr. has recommended him to go back to the doctor but he just says NO. It really bothers me because now he is wanting to move out of our bedroom. It is just things arent adding up?

As for us in general, we don't communicate or even talk with one another and this has been going on now for about 3 months. I have 2 children from my previous marriage and he treats them like he hates them and when I question him about that he get so pissed off at me? He is currently active duty for the USMC and to give you alittle bit about him, he does nothin but work,come home eat his dinner and after dinner he get on his computer. He stays on his computer sometimes to 1 am in the morning. This has been an issue with us before but I have learned to live with him and his computer.As for me well I currently don't work because Im on bed rest and yes I must say I do have alot of insecurities. IT just I don't want to get hurt again after I have given him my everything.

Well thank you for listening and I sure hope to hear from you soon.

NAY

Hi Nay:

Boy, we are sure getting to know each other and I do appreciate your candor regarding your personal life.

Although Scabies has, in the past, been blamed on people not keeping themselves clean, this simply isn't true. I am going to do a little research and see what I can come up with re rashes. Rashes are sometimes very hard to pin-point even for the pros. I'll see what I can do and post back to you. By the way, ring-worm is red and round with a white circle in the middle. It is usually picked up off of cats. I had it once when I was a kid and got it from the neighbors cat. Just got the one on my wrist.

I am afraid you really do have a problem if he wants to move into another bedroom. It could be that you have been blunt enough with him regarding the bad rash he has and your concern over your pregnancy (congratulations by the way.) He feels spurned and put upon and I don't think it's because he doesn't love you. You have every right to know what that rash is and if it will have any bearing on your newborn. However, I am sure if you or your children don't have it, it's not catching. Again, I stress, I do not think this is a genital disease.

One of you has to start communicating and it looks like you have been elected hon. Don't accuse him, but ask him how he feels about things. Let him say what he has to say and don't interrupt him. Sounds like a guy with a lot of heavy problems on his shoulders. Supporting a wife and children is not easy and now you have another one on the way. He could be worried about that and needs to come clean with you and express his feelings.

You have to be honest with yourself as far as your 2 children from a previous marriage. Often when this happens the mother of the child (or sometimes the father) refuses to let the other partner (step-father/mother) chastise the child(ren.) I have no idea if this is the case between the two of you. If it is then you are both going to have to back each other when the children are misbehaving and find some method of punishment for them and stick to your guns on it as a couple. If you don't feel his actions towards your children are for the reasons I gave, then he needs to communicate more re his feelings. You also have to ask yourself how your children react to him and if they consider him "not their dad and he has no right to get after them."

Hon, I really do think that you need to stop accusing your husband of so many things and start communicating. You could say to him, "You know, I've been thinking about our relationship, so how about we start over again." At least you are giving him something to think about and a spark of hope. I know having to stay in bed during a pregnancy is extremely hard on you and your mind can certainly work over-time and coupled with the fact your ex cheated on you, I can see why you have come to so many conclusions. You are really shutting your husband out. So far you have accused him of cheating and now you have told him he hates your kids. When you say "your" you don't include him as the step-father of your children. It hurts.

You sound like a smart and sweet young woman, and emotions are running high right now. He works himself hard and you have to look after children and get plenty of bed rest so you are cooped up a lot. If possible, why don't you get a sitter and you and your husband go out for a nice dinner (doesn't have to be expensive) and a movie. Try doing this at least every 2nd week. If you can't afford a sitter then see if family or a friend would give you a break. I've babysat for friends when they needed a break and I rather enjoyed the kids.

How about picking this weekend, put the kids to bed, and give him a nice smile and tell him you'd like to sit and talk. If he gives you a funny look he's just being over-cautious because he simply doesn't know what he's in for. LOL ASK HIM how he feels about your married life and if he is happy about the baby. DON'T accuse him of cheating or even that he hates the kids. Kids can often get on ones nerves, but few people actually hate kids. You haven't been married very long and communicating takes practice. Also, being pregnant, your hormones are all over the place. Take a deep breath and have that talk with your husband, and if possible, please go out for the evening just the two of you.

Hope I hear from you and that talk works out well for you.

Marcy