Improbable History

Baloney History

(The Lighter Side of History)

The practice began as far back as Homo Erectus who spent a great deal of their time flipping off Homo Habilus, who in turn spent a great deal of their time flipping off Homo Neanderthalis. We know this because archeologist's have spent a great deal of time uncovering and digging up the bones of these ancient people and a great many of them were found with their left or in the case of the Neanderthals, their right hand clearly formed where the middle finger is prostrate while the remaining fingers curled up. This could all just be coincidental but archeologist's are convinced it was the time honored tradition of flipping off your neighbor. It has been a controversial issue because many archeologist's are fully aware of the fact, that while Fred Flinstone may have had one of those golf cart looking cars, most cavemen did not have cars and so most likely didn't get stuck in traffic or even cut off by some rude driver who's talking on his cell phone. There are many people who believe that it was the cook for Ol' King Cole who began the practice of flipping off, because he's the one who gave ol' King Cole the bird. Four and twenty blackbirds, to be exact, baked in a pie. But, this is clearly not true because there is no historical evidence that ol King Cole ever existed.

Normally, alone in his cold, dark and damp cave up there in Grockleland until one year, when two of Santa's little elves who just happened to be called Robin and Katz2, got lost while out searching for some Christmas Spirit, which was proving harder to find than most years, happened to stumble upon his cave.

Mike2 the Grockle, who was just repairing Brave3the goblin's sub-prime credit crunching machine, which had slipped a base rate or two when the Bank of WikiAnswers announced a cut in the green y'egg rate. He had just finished speaking to Quirkyquantummechanic over the telephone about how to fix the Hooweestik which had managed to invert itself.

Meanwhile, back at Santa's house, Doditov the cook had whipped up a batch of pancakes for Jadeacres and Stupid little genius who had just finished mucking out the reindeer. When Ksmail, the dwarf postman arrived with the latest sacks of letters. He no sooner finished placing them on the kitchen floor, when an elf dressed all in dark clothes, (as opposed to all the other elves, who liked to dress in the brightest colours possible, put 20 of them together, and you need to wear sunglasses ), appeared and started to take them away, muttering to himself. Dodi looked at the postman, and said ' Don't take any notice of Grey and Grumpy, he's in a good mood today'. Dodiwas just about to put another pan of her interesting unmentionables on to boil, when from outside came a fearful clatter, and some muffled Anglo-Saxon, they all rushed to the door in time to see JRwaddy, who was dressed as a knight fall off one of the reindeer.

Down in the cellar, Marcy, Amlove and An8thg (don't ask ok), the Christmas fairies were having a moan about the cost of pantyhose, and how they kept snagging on the needles of Christmas trees. While Zanbabeand Kamuna were going through the lists of naughty supervisors, and removing them from the Christmas present list, (Like WikiWriter for starting such a silly story). In fact, WikiWriter's name was the only one on the naughty supervisors list. A fact that was quickly picked up by Deband Neila22 who calculated that he should be blocked for the next sixty years. In a corner, Keats, the poetess elf was trying to write this years Christmas poem, she had got as far as the first line,'Twas on the Good Ship Venus', and was stuck, while in the other corner dozed Peterc14, the complaints manager, not the busiest of jobs, in fact you could just make out the shape of a telephone under the dust and cobwebs. All in all, it was a quiet normal day in Santa's house, but all this was about to change, because the Complaint's phone started ringing. Peterc14 jumped up from his chair, disturbing, both IncaBlue and Catpaw01, who had both recently taken to thinking that they were cats, and sleeping at his feet, and upsetting a Compendium of games that was resting on the desk. Panic ensued, nobody knew what to do, the Complaints phone ringing, unheard of in many lifetimes. Several elves fainted, the fairies took off, forgetting there was a low ceiling, and still the phone kept ringing. 'Answer that phone', boomed a voice, and in strode Takamo, Santa's chief trouble-shooter. With a shaking hand Peter removed all the dust and cobwebs and picked up the receiver. 'Hello' said a little girls voice, ' Is that Father Christmas's house', 'Yes' replied Peter in a quaking voice, ' Is it true that he gives presents to boys and girls all over the World' continued the little girl, 'Um Yes' said Peter, now quivering that much his knees were literally knocking together, ' Then, why have I never received any' cried the little girl, 'I'm six now and have never had a Christmas Present'. 'Oh dear' said the elf, 'Tell us your name and address and we will check our records,and get back to you'. With this Marcy, tore the phone from Peter's grasp, 'Hi Sweetie' she said, 'What's your name', 'Alice Gladrags', replied the little girl, 'and I live in Emmetland', there was a sudden click and the phone went dead. Marcy told the stunned elves and fairies present the little girls name and that she lived in Emmetland. No one in that room had ever heard of Emmetland. 'Right' said Takamo, 'I want every record in this house searched, there must be a record of the little girl and of Emmetland somewhere, You there', he said pointing to an elf wearing a mind boggling array of colours, 'Whats your name', 'JoyceP' repled the elf, 'Right JoyceP' said Takamo, 'I want you to round up all the elves not working on the production line and get them down here to help, now off you go, the rest of you get searching'. JoyceP trotted off outside, the first elf she found was Icetall who was doing a damn good impersonation of an icicle, trying to impress Snowwhitesunflower, next she happened upon Superfun Happyslide who was busy creating the World's longest and fastest iceslide. Over by the trees Kodiakcathy was wrestling with the polar bears again. Then she bumped into Viper1usmc, Wrenchpuller and Plumbing Guru, who had just taken Santa's new sleigh for it's shakedown flight. OK, I hear you all ask, what's does a plumber have to do with Santa's sleigh, Top Secret is the reply. Indoors, it was chaos, Williamtrentthe Librarian was seeing years of careful record keeping destroyed as Shinobi Swordsman, Mattmastersword and LauraFrogwere just grabbing handfuls of the folders and taking them into the other room. The biggest elf he had ever seen was helping as well, so he asked Laura what she was called . Oh That's Short Fry' Laura said hurrying off with another pile of Folders. Delltechie and Kevin were busy setting up spare computers.CjonB and Dr Nancy Malik had set up a First Aid room and were busy dealing with bumps, scrapes and bruises as elves were busy falling over folders, wires and each other

Back at the cave, Robin and Katz2 had befriended the Grockle, underneath that bluff, gruff exterior they could sense he was a lonely thing, so they decided to invite him to Santa's house for the Christmas, and to their amazement he accepted, 'Just let me pack a few things', he growled, picking up a rather battered suitcase, he went to the refrigerator, and took out a large bowl of Caesarsalad, a Cataclysmic Beefstick, a pot of Sinster Yogurt and a box marked Crabcake123.'Right I'm ready' he said locking up his ClassicJag, and proceeded to leave the cave,when a urgent squeaking was heard and something very hairy leapt into his pocket. 'What was that' said Robinand Katz2 in unison, 'Oh that's just my little helper' said the Grockle, 'Let me introduce The Assistrat'. It was snowing heavily, and as they made their way down the path none of them noticed the hobgoblin Eviltechie slip into the cave.They passed a snow man who raised his hat to them, 'Who is that' said , Robin, 'Oh, that is Frosty's brother FrozenFrankie', replied The Grockle, 'Strange, he's normally with his sidekick FreezinWeasle.

Rumours abounded around the great house, and some lucky elves actually caught some. JRwaddy had given up being a gallant knight, and with the help of a local blacksmith had managed to get out of the battered suit of armour, and with a canny knack of making a few bob, he and Dodi had set up a stall behind the stables, and were doing a roaring trade in selling T-shirts emblazoned with the immortal line, ' Who The Heck is Alice', much the the disgust of ChuisCeQueJeCroi and Carpel Tunnel Provider, who both relented when handed a free shirt. After several fruitless hours searching the elves had exhausted every avenue, road, lane, path and track and themselves, and they still hadn't found Alice or Emmetland. Onlytryingtohelp was busy dragging exhausted elves away, Invigilator7 had finished inviliglating, his fingers still smoking. TomboH and Zandkey were busy snoring in the corner. Hapychef was rushing around handing out bowls of reviving CMbroth. Meanwhile,the inner circle of senior elves were meeting, and after much elbowing and chest thumping, they had come to an agreement, For God's sake, pay him what he wants, so we don't have to read anymore of this story. Amlove, the youngest fairy was bored, she was currently lying on a branch of the great Christmas Tree picking her nose, she had just spent the last couple of hours swapping the nametags on all the presents piled under the tree, flying a pair of Dodi's unmentionables from the flag post and mooning at passing elves. Reaching for her handbag, ( all fairies carry large handbags, they are very handy, for example, clipping the writer of this story around the ear for making her too outrageous. ), she rummaged through it, and finding a jar of tinselworms she had forgotten about. Feeding them some magic dust, she wondered what would happen if she fed them to the reindeer. She flittered off to the stables, pausing only in Dodi's kitchen to swop the salt and sugar labels.

After the meeting of the senior elves, they realised that they did not have enough money to pay the writer, and that they would have to carry on, the elves hearts sank ( so did the writer's ), some fell to their knees and prayed the plots would improve, but apparently to no avail, what was worse the writer had introduced a further sub-plot that he didn't have a clue were it would lead. JRwaddy and Dodi being quick on the uptake, were now doing a roaring trade in anti-depressant pills. There was only one thing left for Takamo to do, he walked to a big red box on the wall, took a key from around hs neck and unlocked it. There inside the box was a big shiny red button, stamped with the words PANIC BUTTON. Takamo's hand was shaking as he pushed it.

EvilTechie stood in front of Brave3's machine, he rubbed his hands with glee, he was going to have some fun with this, pulling from his pocket a replica Hooweestick, he replaced it for the original. This replica was imprinted with a subliminal message, ' That Santa Claus was not a Real Person', he was going to spoil everyone's Christmas, just as JoyceP had spoiled his. He switched the machine on, set it to high and left the cave.

Jadeacres and Stupid little genius were up to their necks in tinsel. All the reindeer had come down with a bad case of tinselworm. they suspected fowl play but could not prove it. They had roped in AKMark, Crtclev, D4est, Emdgregand Dudeabides to help, already they had buried Lemsgarden in barrowloads of tinsel, and were running out of room, there was no way they were going to be able to sell all this tinsel by Christmas.(Well, were did you think tinsel came from???). Next year thought Jadeacres I'm going to take up chicken farming it can't be as bad as this.

Down in the Magic Christmas Dust mines, Essondon, Fracol, Idisjunction, Martinel, Natural Val and Hockey Addict were noticing that the Magic Dust seams were slowly running out as belief in Santa Claus slowly dwindled. JoyceP had a lot to answer for.

Struggling through the deepening snow, the Grockle had to carry the elves, he thought he could do with a drink, when behind him he heard a clink clink clink, turning around he saw a llama covered in bottles of something, grabbing one he saw it was some kind of drink, 'Oh, I see you have met The Snapplellama' said Katz2, 'What's a llama doing in a Christmas story', said the Grockle, 'You know, I think the writer has lost the plot, or something like that, All we need now is a dragon to really round things off'. 'Funny you should say that', said a deep voice beside his ear. the Grockle jumped and managed to turn at the same time, and found himself looking into the eyes of the biggest blackest dragon he had ever seen. 'Hi folks', said the dragon, I am known around here as DarkDragon.

The Grockle shook his head, what a way to introduce 2 supervisors. 'Smoke break, everyone' he yelled, 'back in 10 minutes'. He walked right up to the glass of the computer monitor and rapped on it. 'You out there ' he yelled, 'Wake your ideas up, come on now, seven lines to introduce two supervisors at this rate we will still be here next Christmas, and if you think I will still be here freezing my nu....um paws off in this snow, you can think again, put some life it into will you', and with that ringing endorsement of this story he stomped off into the snow muttering and moaning like a big hairy Grey and Grumpy on overdrive. Takamo stood there, he had pressed the Panic Button and nothing was happening, it was then he noticed the small print under the words Panic Button, putting on his glasses he read the words, Press once, and stand clear. Stand clear of what, he thought, I'm in a empty room, he looked up, down and from side to side, still nothing. Suddenly the door crashed open and Takamo was flattened as CsandersO, Dick Harfield, Kharrima, Kirsten07734, Robbb, 2-D-Point, 22Chiki22, A.Allan, Abulafia, Afrovax and Woodwose charged in, followed by Allegro Vivace, Apprentice 334, Artemis 97, Bookwench, Canadian Resident and Chongyx and a whole host of other elves. The elves were followed in by two of the sternest women you have ever seen, Santa's chief Secretary HisPowr4U and the chief accountant SavedbyHim81490, who for some reason, ( I can't think of one) was wearing a large badge with the logo Savemoney101 on it. The room fell fairly quiet, there was some tuneless whistling, some humming and quite a few ouches as Marcy the fairy was at the back of the room pinching male elves behinds and giving them the old wink wink nudge nudge routine. An8thg (Don't ask ok), the other fairy had taken herself off to her newly acquired marital bed, much to the delight of Mr An8thg (Don't ask ok) , who was soon to be disappointed, when rebuffed by a laptop, and the words I must finishing recatting this. As he turned over, he thought to himself, at least it is more original than I have a headache. Takamo picked himself off the floor, dusted himself off, and thanked the few elves who had wiped their feet on him. Marcythe fairy, had just gotten the tape measure out of her handbag, ready to measure up a likely victim, when HisPowr4U rapped the table. Darkdragon shook the snow off his scales, and turned to the Grockle and said, ' Climb on board I will fly you to Santa's house.' They all climbed on to the dragon, and he soared into the air. Above the clouds the air was Crystal clear, they had been flying for about five minutes when three flashes of white flew past them and disappeared into the distance, 'What the Fallon Galbraith was that', exclaimed the Grockle, Oh, only Archangel Dmitry, EnglishAngel and SingingAngel93 racing each other replied the dragon. About ten minutes later, the dragon looked over his shoulder and said, 'Hang on tight folks we are here , and I will be landing at Maxiogee's, ( which is dragon talk for landing at maximum G, a very risky manoeuvre, especially if you are a passenger on the back of a dragon, it can lead to IllogicalIllusions, not to mention Incoherent speech and a touch of the Lapidaryrough).

The Grockle staggered away from the landing complaining that his Ligand had given away, and he wasn't sure about his Nutster and that he might have to Puckpuff his Zoop. Robin looked at Katz2 and said 'That's OneWeirdDude we have brought back, he certainly has a Darksyde, we should get him to DocBosma.'

As HisPowr4U was about to speak, two of the more senior elves stepped forward,. 'Yes', snapped HisPowr4U,' What do you two want and which two are you, you know I can never remember names'.The taller of the two elves spoke 'I am RoibeairdWA, and that's UnionMaster3206, 'and it's about our pay deal'. 'Can't be time for that already' said SavedbyHim81490. 'Yes it is', replied RoibeairdWA, ' The last pay deal was in 1604 and to be reopened in 2008'. 'Well we don't have time for that right now', said HisPowr4U, 'Can't you see that we have a crisis going on'. 'You will have a bigger crisis, if you don't listen to us', said Unionmaster3206 stamping his foot. 'RoibeairdWA has been listening to that new-fangled thing called a radio, (elves live for a very long time, hence the long time between pay deals, and are a little way behind the rest of the world), and apparently the groat has not been legal tender for a few hundred years. and what do you insist in paying us with?'. 'Groats' roared Dlmick, flinging a handful on the floors, as the rest of the elves cheered him on, 'We want to be paid in dounds and pollars'. 'I think you mean pounds and dollars, Brother Dlmick' said UnionMaster3206. 'Impossible', snapped SavedbyHim81490. 'Oh, impossible is it', sad RoibeairdWA, his voice full of menace, 'Let's see how impossible it is, As from now the elf host withdraws it labour after we have packed and posted all our present first', and with that all the elves turned and walked out the doors , leaving HisPowr4U, SavedbyHim81490 and Takamo looking at each other in disbelief. Jadeacres had stopped the tinselworm out break simply by bringing Darkdragon into the stables, and telling him to take his pick, Much to the relief of Dfoofnik, Dgardner74, ESanderson, Hiramito, Nirel, Rosie. wenger, History Dork, Arunkumarsuri, Batman13 and CharlesRS, who had been brought in to replace the other exhausted elves. It's surprising how many reindeer bodily functions you can shut down, by telling a dragon to take it's pick, in this case Darkdragon chose a shovel, and began building a snowdragon with the help of Christino, ColYoung, FierE, Homeybiz and JohnCorey, who had become bored standing around. All the reindeer were now cowering under the fresh hay laid by Agpecho and Historywizz (It brought tears to their eyes), except for one little female who was watching the Plumbing Guru tinker with the 'TOP SECRET' insides of Santa's new sleigh. The little female had been fluttering her eyelashes at him for weeks, but he hadn't taken a bit of notice. As he packed up his tools Plumbing Gurufinally noticed the reindeer watching him, and as he passed her, he reached out and scratched her head, not noticing that he knocked the lock of her pen to open.

Outside The Great House and over in front of the Production Line, the elves had formed two picket lines.JRwaddy had set up a placard painting stall, (for a modest fee, of course), while Dodi had set up a sandwich and hot snack table. Chewdand Bibblob2 had found a couple of old oildrums and soon had a blazing fire in front of each line. Chaaker, DiskmanDave, Jkornblau, I am jim, Korean Guru, Lparadis, Pernys32, Puskinlupu, Sean2236 and Taffytoon were all having a snowball fight, while Lurchvsciara and LythandeBlueStar were toasting marshmallows. JayveeRouge and Pickleshy were in the kitchen pinching chesnuts to roast. Porkdisco had set up a music system, and was preparing for a Nightdance. Back in the comfort of his study WikiWriter had to admit defeat, there was just too many Supervisors for him to fit into this story, without stretching the plots to ridiculous lengths, and making it stupid. (What do you mean, it already is!). To all those I leave out, I apologise, the main aim now is to find Aliceand Emmetland, and to get those crazy elves back to work, so that all the presents are delivered by Christmas morning, and to switch Brave3's machine off, and getting JoyceP and the rest of the world believing in Santa Claus again. So disregarding over half of what he has written, and not put here yet, we get back to the action.

To be continued

The rest of this opus is currently being written, re written edited and sworn at,

it will be finished in time for Easter, that is, if Brave3 does not introduce anymore large batches of new supervisors.

Will JRwaddy win the heart and hand of fair Dodi, not to mention a glimpse of her unmentionables

Will our Band of intrepid elves ever find Emmetland

Who The Heck Is Alice?

What is Jadeacres going to do?

Will the Grockle save Christmas?

What was JRWaddy and Dodi doing behind the stables?.

Why am I writing this.

And Amlove, Fairies do not do that!!!!!!