What are good Chuck Norris jokes?

Answer 1

LIST OF KNOWN CHUCK NORRIS JOKESJokes with bolded numbers are popular ones.

1. Chuck Norris sleeps with the light on because the dark is scared of him!

2. Chuck Norris was supposed to die 50 years ago but the Grim Reaper was to scared to take him.

3. Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.

4. Chuck Norris created his own mother

5. Chuck Norris had a heart attack and he won.

6. Chuck Norris does not make spelling mistakes, if he spells a word differently the dictionary will correct itself.

7. Jesus and Chuck Norris had the same birthday, Chuck Norris doesn't care.

8. If you have £5 and Chuck Norris has £5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

9. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

10. Chuck Norris got bitten by an extremely poisonous snake, after extreme pain and seizure the snake died.

11. Death is afraid of Chuck Norris.

12. Chuck Norris made war marry peace.

13. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.

14. Chuck Norris' daughter lost her virginity, Chuck Norris found it and brought it back.

15. Chuck Norris can unscramble and egg.

16. Chuck Norris is blind, no one could ever tell because he sees only in the colour of fear and since everything fears Chuck Norris he sees all.

17. Chuck Norris gives polygraph machines a lie detector test.

18. Chuck Norris can possess the Devil.

19. Chuck Norris can look up a number in the phone book that's not listed in the phone book.

20. The judges of American Idol sing for Chuck Norris.

21. Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks cannot get sucked into black holes. Black holes get sucked into Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks.

22. Why is health care so expensive? Chuck Norris is sending so many people to the hospital every day.

23. When Chuck Norris picks up a Rubix cube, it solves itself out of fear.

24. Chuck Norris visits Hell for vacation.

25. Chuck Norris can understand women.

26. Bushes beat around Chuck Norris.

27. Chuck Norris doesn't dance around the question. Questions dance around Chuck Norris.

28. Chuck Norris invented pain.

29. Chuck Norris's wife gave birth to his own parents.

30. Chuck Norris can have it both ways.

31. Even the amazing people are saying, "Wow, Chuck Norris is really amazing."

32. Chuck Norris tells his mother who she can hang out with.

33. Handicap signs aren't for handicap people they're for all the people that meet Chuck Norris.

34. When Chuck Norris was born the sun said I quit!

35. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He just accidentally destroys chairs.

36. Chuck Norris doesn't need bullet proof vests. Bullet proof vests need Chuck Norris.

37. Guns don't shoot at Chuck Norris. Bullets aren't that stupid.

38. The invention of the atomic bomb was created when Chuck Norris sneezed into a jar and it blew up only one one thing was left standing, Chuck Norris

39. Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you with his fist.

40. The Boogeyman checks his closet each night for Chuck Norris.

Cars were actually invented for a faster way to flee from chuck Norris, but Chuck 41. Norris invented the car wreck.

42. Bruce Lee once survived a Round house kick. and then he woke up.

43. Black holes cannot escape Chuck Norris.

44. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

45. Chuck Norris stared at Medusa - she turned to stone.

46. Chuck Norris is so fast that he could run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head!

47. Chuck Norris dug a drainage ditch near his Arizona cottage - it's now called The Grand Canyon.

48.Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

49.Chuck Norris doesn't wear Superman pajamas - Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

50. Everybody loves Raymond - except Chuck Norris.

51. Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it, too.

52. Chuck Norris can call different people by dialing the same number.

53. Chuck Norris cuts his toenails with a chain saw.

54. Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares it to grow.

**55.** Jesus walks on water, Chuck Norris swims through land. *Laughter*

Answer 2

Here's a few of my fave,

1. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

2. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score "over 9000".

3. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light, except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

4. Chuck Norris has the greatest pokerface of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

5. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

6. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

7. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

8. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

9. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

10. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

11. Chuck Norris built the house he was born in.

12. Once a month Chuck Norris goes around the world and has sex with every woman out there, they bleed for a week. Period.

13. Chuck Norris' GPS system said turn left here, Chuck said I'm gonna turn right, the GPS stopped, said "Sorry Chuck, turn right here".

14. Sylvester Stallone walked up to Chuck Norris and said "How are you today Charles?" Not one person has understood him since.

Answer 3

when little kids go to sleep, they check their beds for the boogeyman.

when the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Answer 4

A good Chuck Norris joke is one that you could say right in front of him -and survive-

-THEY SAY THAT UNDER CHUCK NORRIS' BEARD THERE IS NO CHIN, JUST ANOTHER FIST!!

-You don't "Laugh Your Head Off", Chuck Norris laughs your head off for you

-

Chuck Norris doesn't use lotion, lotion uses Chuck Norris

-Chuck Norris KNOWS Victoria's Secret-

-'Justice' should be changed to 'JustChuckNorris'!

-Two Peas in a Pod, unless Chuck Norris is in that pod, then it is One Pea in a Pod

-Chuck Norris DOESN'T float in the Great Salt Lake-

-Chuck Norris uses Saturn and Jupiter as weights, and he still thinks they are too light

-Chuck Norris only uses the roundhouse kick in self defense, unfortunately no one will attack him, so he attacks innocent people

-Chuck Norris is right behind you-

-Chuck Norris started therapy, but the therapist mysteriously disappeared-

-The "Big Bang" theory isn't true, Chuck Norris just dislikes stars-

-Chuck Norris has enemies... just check the extinct animals list-

-A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs... Chuck Norris did

-Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands, now they're just called the islands-

-Chuck Norris is the reason Cap'n Crunch's eyebrows are on his hat.

Q. Whats 30 times Chuck Norris?

A. Oblivion.

-Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you...

-Chuck Norris' beard played Chewbacca in Star Wars!

-When police see someone attacking Chuck Norris they call it a 9-64, suicide.

-When Bruce banner gets mad he turns into the hulk, when the hulk gets mad he turns into chuck Norris.

-When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, his heart lost.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it effects the economy.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Noris can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris's penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris doesnt consider it sex if the woman lives.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

You are what you eat. Chuck Noris eats steel.

Chuck Norris' bones are made of lead re-enforced with tungsten.

Chuck Norris doesn't "keep it real." Reality keeps itself Chuck Norris.

You know why it's the Golden Arch and not the Gold Rainbow? Chuck Norris.

Even Chuck Norris jokes are scared of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not allowed to sit in the side aisles on airplanes. His body is so dense, the plane is thrown off balance.

Chuck Norris seldom flies anymore. His entire body is on the "restricted items" list.

When Chuck Norris was a baby and couldn't roundhouse kick, he killed people with his beard.

Everyone thinks Chuck Norris cured cancer, aids, and hunger. They're wrong. He killed them, not cured them.

Chuck Norris once jumped off the Empire State Building. That's why New York is an island today.

Carrot Top was once roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Pretty obvious, isn't it?

Chuck Norris is the champion of the Pepsi Challenge. Forever.

Chuck Norris doesn't shop at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart shops at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris runs with scissors because only he can.

You know the story of "Around the World in 80 days"? Chuck Norris went around the world 80 times in one day. Barefoot.

Chuck Norris used to work at Disneyland as a teenager. His beard was one of their rides until the "accident" that killed 30 wuss boy scouts.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

chuck Norris has a night light. but chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Wat is the quickest way to mans heart?

Chuck Noris's fist.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

God said let there be light, Chuck Noris said say please.

Three simple rules of survival:

1. Don't take the name of Chuck in vain

2. When in the presence of Chuck, avert your eyes, lest you receive a roundhouse kick to the face

3. When camping, bring toilet paper

There Is No Such Thing As A Lesbian, There Are Just Girls Who Haven't Met Chuck Norris

Superman only has two weeknesses. Kryptonite and a round house kick from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris made Ellen DeGeneres straight.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris can watch Sixty Minutes, in 20

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every nite he checks his closet for chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris

there are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

when Chuck Norris does push ups, he doesnt push himself up, he pushes the world down.

when chuck Norris jumped in the ocean, he didnt get wet, the water got chuck norrised.

tornados don't exist, Chuck Norris just doesnt like trailer parks.

superman wheres Chuck Norris underwear.

Chuck Norris doesnt walk around, he spins the world under his feet.

Chuck Norris played godzilla in the movie.

Chuck Norris drinks battery acid with his breakfast.

When in dought, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a hole in the periodic table of elements because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris isn't gay he just ran out of women.

The only thing to fear is Chuck Norris himself.

There is no end or beginnig... just Chuck Norris... And his legs.

Chuck Norris once walked down the road with a massive erection.... There were no survivors...

Chuck Norris has been to Candy Mountain and came back with candy... and both his kidneys...

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you... If you can't see Chuck Norris, you are seconds away from death...

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses...

Type Chuck Norris's name into the Google search box and press "I Feel Lucky" .... I dare you...

Chuck Norris does not read books, he stares at them till he gets the information he wants...

Chuck Norris is suing NBC because he claims Law and Order are the legal names of his left and right legs...

Chuck Norris must maintain a conceled weapons permit in all fifty states in order to legally wear pants...

If you turn off the lights and say Chuck Norris's name three times... he will appear and kill you. No one says chuck Norris's name that many times for no reason...

When Chuck Norris flips you off, he's not saying " --- you" he's telling you how many seconds you have to live...

Chuck Norris will.......

Home is where the heart is.... and so is Chuck Norris...

Chuck Norris once won the World Poker Championship holing only a jack, a nine, a green one uno card, a parking ticket, and a get out of jail free card.....

When police see somone attacking chuck Norris they call it a 9-64, suiscide.

When Bruce banner gets mad he turns into the hulk, when the hulk gets mad he turns into chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, his heart lost.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it effects the economy.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Noris can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris's penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris doesnt consider it sex if the woman lives.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

You are what you eat. Chuck Noris eats steel.

Chuck Norris' bones are made of lead re-enforced with tungsten.

Chuck Norris doesn't "keep it real." Reality keeps itself Chuck Norris.

You know why it's the Golden Arch and not the Gold Rainbow? Chuck Norris.

Even Chuck Norris jokes are scared of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not allowed to sit in the side aisles on airplanes. His body is so dense, the plane is thrown off balance.

Chuck Norris seldom flies anymore. His entire body is on the "restricted items" list.

When Chuck Norris was a baby and couldn't roundhouse kick, he killed people with his beard.

Everyone thinks Chuck Norris cured cancer, aids, and hunger. They're wrong. He killed them, not cured them.

Chuck Norris once jumped off the Empire State building. That's why New York is an island today.

Carrot Top was once roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Pretty obvious, isn't it?

Chuck Norris is the champion of the Pepsi Challenge. Forever.

Chuck Norris doesn't shop at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart shops at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris runs with scissors because only he can.

You know the story of "Around the World in 80 days"? Chuck Norris went around the world 80 times in one day. Barefoot.

Chuck Norris used to work at Disneyland as a teenager. His beard was one of their rides until the "accident" that killed 30 wuss boy scouts.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

chuck Norris has a night light. but chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Wat is the quickest way to mans heart?

Chuck Noris's fist.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

God said let there be light, Chuck Noris said say please.

Three simple rules of survival:

1. Don't take the name of Chuck in vain

2. When in the presence of Chuck, avert your eyes, lest you receive a roundhouse kick to the face

3. When camping, bring toilet paper

There Is No Such Thing As A Lesbian, There Are Just Girls Who Haven't Met Chuck Norris

Superman only has two weeknesses. Kryptonite and a round house kick from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris can watch Sixty Minutes, in 20

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every nite he checks his closet for chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris

there are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

when Chuck Norris does push ups, he doesnt push himself up, he pushes the world down.

when chuck Norris jumped in the ocean, he didnt get wet, the water got chuck norrised.

tornados don't exist, Chuck Norris just doesnt like trailer parks.

superman wheres Chuck Norris underwear.

Chuck Norris doesnt walk around, he spins the world under his feet.

Chuck Norris played godzilla in the movie.

Chuck Norris drinks battery acid with his breakfast.

When in dought, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a hole in the periodic table of elements because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris isn't gay he just ran out of women.

The only thing to fear is Chuck Norris himself.

There is no end or beginnig... just Chuck Norris... And his legs.

Chuck Norris once walked down the road with a massive erection.... There were no survivors...

Chuck Norris has been to Candy Mountain and came back with candy... and both his kidneys...

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you... If you can't see Chuck Norris, you are seconds away from death...

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses...

Type Chuck Norris's name into the Google search box and press "I Feel

Norris.... No one doesn't finish chuck Norris's name...

Chuck Norris watches Santa when he sleeps.

chuck Norris doesnt use a watch, HE decides what time it is.

in the gueniss book of world records the back page says all records were broken by chuck Norris. the rest is how close other people have gotten.

chuck Norris decided to sell his urine as a bevearage drink. it is now known as red bull!!!

chuck Norris once lost one of his balls, it is now know as Jupiter

chuck Norris doesnt read books. he stares them down until he gets the info he wants

chuck Norris has already been to mars, that's why there is no life there

chuck Norris and Bruce lee NEVER fought offstage. otherwise the world would have come to an end

WATCH OUT CHUCK NORRIS IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU

the earthquake was invented when chuck Norris did an axe kick into the ground

Answer 5

Here are some

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. To bad he has never cried

2. Chuck Norris is 1/8 Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry, the man ate a frickin' Jeep

3. When the Bogey man goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

4. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there's no life

5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists

6. Some people wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears chuck Norris pajamas

7. If you look up Chuck Norris on Google it will say you do not search for Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris searches for you.

8. Deathophobia is a fear of Chuck Norris.

Answer 6

A couple:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris Once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.

When someone says "No one is perfect", Chuck Norris takes this a personal insult.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for crying scenes.

Chuck Norris uses his pinky to play baseball, his hits usually get about 13,000 miles. On a bad day.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a cat, he has a mutated 3 headed, black and red, 30 foot tall kitty with teeth that radiate pure death.

Answer 7

when chuck Norris looks at a mirror it brakes because nothing is between chuck Norris and chuck Norris

chuck Norris can make Orange Juice by squeezing a lemon

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter

Chuck Norris was born w/ a full beard

when he came out of his mothers womb, he roundhouse kicked the doctor

chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad

when he eats coal, he craps out diamonds

his beard has a fist

he dares the grass to grow

chuck Norris can melt sand

he roundhouse kicked his own umbilical cord off

chuck Norris was going to be on mt. Rushmore but his beard wasn't strong enough

he snorts cocaine to get stronger

his mother is the virgin Mary

he can define gravity just by asking it

In Holland, prostitutes pay him

Chuck Norris pushes the earth down by push ups

he created the universe by roundhouse kicking a star

he was born w/ a karate suit on

when he is crossing the street the cars have to look both ways

the earth is spinning because he kicked the earth and never stopped spinning

Answer 8

i hate school it is worthless and so is chuck norisbnaof...

hello everyone this is Chuck Norris to let you know, its another one down... got to go some one spelled my name wrong...