Ceremonial Speech

'Good evening ladies and gentleman, friends and loved ones, welcome to Winona and Derek's Nuptial Dinner Reception. My name is Robert, and I have been asked by our lovely bride, the former Miss Walker, now Mrs Winona McGregor & her husband Derek, to be your Emcee tonight and they would like to extend their thanks for attending their nuptial celebrations tonight.'

'Dinner will commence very soon, so we ask that everyone make their way to their seats and make your selves comfortable as we begin our celebration with a wedding prayer.'

A WEDDING PRAYER

Lord, behold our family here assembled.

We thank you for this place in which we dwell,

for the love that unites us,

for the peace accorded us this day,

for the hope with which we expect the morrow,

for the health, the work, the food,

and the bright skies that make our lives delightful;

for our friends in all parts of the earth.

Amen

Robert Louis Stevenson

Parents of the Bride

`Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen. Please be on your feet as we welcome the bridal party. Put your hands together for our hosts, the mother and father of the bride. As you all know, the day your little girl gets married is the happiest day of the century for every doting parent and don't they look radiant? Thank you Brian & Lily Walker, we can see where the bride got her good looks from. I'm not saying which, you both look wonderful tonight.' (wide applause)

Parents of the Groom

`And now, here come the parents of the groom, looking happy and proud. Please welcome Michael & Maria McGregor. Derek's parents just got back from trekking in Nepal to be here for their son's wedding. A big hand for Michael & Maria McGregor, Parents of the Groom.'

Matron of Honor

`And now we come to the Matron of Honor, Meagan McGregor. It's been said that Meagan is chosen for her ability to outthink, outrun and generally outwrestle anything with up to eight legs that stands in the way of a smooth-running wedding. In Meagan's case, she's also the Bride's Auntie. A tremendous grip on the woman as well! Let's hear it for Auntie Meagan.' (wide applause)

Best Man

`Now we come to our Best Man, Ladies and Gentlemen, Orlando Jones by name. The Best Man isn't just there to pass the ring to the groom. He's there to put his body on the line for his best friend. Greater love hath no man, they say. He also assures us, he really is the best man. We can't wait for his speech and wise counsel. Let's hear it for Orlando.' (wide applause)(The Bridesmaids and Groomsmen)

`Now we come to the Bridesmaids and Groomsmen. They are the understudies for the Bride and Groom. If the Bride and Groom chickened out, it'd be two of you tying the knot in their place! There's a sobering thought.'

First Bridesmaid

`So without further ado and just a little nepotism, we have Winona's younger sister Emmeline Walker our first bridesmaid. Gentlemen, Emmeline is single and taking a break from her career as a ballerina to concentrate on bringing home a gold medal at the next Olympics for gymnastics. Let's hear it for wee Emmeline!' (wide applause)

Second Bridesmaid

`Our second bridesmaid, Mary Jo Zimakowski has known Winona since they were in high school together and as usual, Mary Jo says she has Winona's back. Let's hear it for Mary Jo.' (more applause)

Third Bridesmaid

`Our last bridesmaid has watched `Twenty Seven Dresses' five times. This is her twelfth time as a bridesmaid and she's running out of wardrobe space. Let's hear it for Daniela Pavelic. Hope you catch the bouquet Daniela.' (wide applause)

First Groomsman

`Our first groomsman is Michael McGregor Junior. Michael, or Junior as big brother Derek calls him, is seventeen. He's single, six foot four and 250 pounds. His interests are rap music and wrestling. Don't anyone let him near a microphone tonight, folks. Let's hear it for Junior. ' (wide applause)

Second Groomsman

`Our next groomsman is Jim Mellor. Our Jimmy's a hairdresser who specializes in some of the more exotic punk rock styles you might see in the music industry. Imagine a cross between Salvador Dali and Edward Scissorhands. Jimmy also did our bride's hair tonight. Nice job, by the way. A big hand for our second Groomsman! ' (applause)

Third Groomsman

`Our last groomsman, Alan Peterson has known our Groom, Derek ever since they got arrested for brawling at a football match over ten years ago. It's amazing the things that bring people together. Let's have a big hand for Alan our third groomsman.'

Entrance of the Bride and Groom

`And now the big moment, Ladies and Gentleman, our bride and groom Winona and Derek! Doesn't she look beautiful? She's been practising her bouquet-throwing and hopes to give a good account of herself when the moment comes. As for the groom, look at him! He scrubs well for a guy who gets into football brawls, doesn't he? Ladies and Gentleman, a big hand for Winona and Derek!'. (wide applause)

`Ladies and Gentlemen, please take your seats as we hear a few words a prayer of thanks for God's grace from our host, the Father of the Bride - Brian Walker!'

(Dinner is served)

`Gentlemen and gentlewomen! Could we have your attention for a moment for the cutting of the cake. For those unfortunate souls who are on a diet, tonight's not your night. The cake was baked by or Matron of Honor Meagan McGregor with her own fair and surprisingly strong hand and she'll be round your tables to make sure you all have your share. Friends please be up and standing for the cutting of the cake.

Now all of those taking pictures, be sure you're ready for the photo-opportunity. Derek make sure you have a firm hand on the cake with your beloved bride. ' (the cake is cut)

`Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen.'

`Ladies and Gentlemen, a moment's pause for the best man Orlando Jones. As you all know, it is customary for the best man to reveal rare insights into the make-up of the groom, to share with us, the inklings and foibles that make our beloved groom Derek, the man he is. In other words, an exposè! Ladies and Gentlemen, the best man!'

`Ladies and Gentlemen, we now come to that very special part of every wedding party, steeped in symbolism. The Bridal Waltz. This is the moment when the groom walks his bride to the dance floor and they begin a dance that will last the rest of their lives. Put your hands together for Winona and Derek as they begin their special waltz as husband and wife.'

`Ok now it's time for a little fun, because it's time for the traditional throwing of the Bouquet. For those of you who've seen the running of the bulls at Pamplona, it's a little similar. There's always a little risk for the lasses determined to get the bouquet in their clutches. It's also the real reason you see so many high heels shoes tonight. As you know, traditionally the young lady who successfully catches the bouquet in mid-flight is a certainty to make her own way down the aisle.

I'd like to request all the single ladies to step forward for the bouquet throw. The married ladies who've sneaked on, don't be greedy. This is for single women only. Our lovely and charming bride Winona has been practising this throw all summer, so give yourselves some elbow room.'

(to the bride) `Winona, if you'd be so kind…..'

(INSTRUCTIONS: Emcee bravely motions all the

single ladies forward)

`Ladies take your place behind the bride and be prepared to jump high. Fortune favors the brave! At the count of three, the bride will throw her bouquet. Ladies and gentlemen, let's all count together.

Are you ready Ladies? Would you just look at the concentration. There's some determined women out there. The countdown! One, Two, Three! What a throw, ladies and gentlemen.'

(Bride throws the bouquet and it is caught)

We have a winner! We'll have the Best Man cleaned and brought to your table later.

Ladies and Gentlemen, here's where things get serious. It's time for the Garter toss. I understand some of the guys jumping for the garter have been in training for months. Underneath those tuxedos, we're talking washboard abs, bulging biceps, nerves of steel. We've got Olympic gymnasts, high-jumpers, Morris dancers. These guys are ripped and ready to rumble! Remember gentlemen this is serious business. The guy who catches the garter is destined for the altar next!

Now while the groom retrieves the garter, don't let any of those garter jumpers melt into the crowd.

We have the garter. Get ready gentlemen.

(Groom throws the garter and it is caught)

We have another winner! We have the next groom. I hope that preacher hasn't left the room. Let's hear it for our winners. (wide applause)

Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand by for a few words of thanks from our new Groom, Derek McGregor.

Well I guess that's about everything ladies and gentlemen we have finally come to the end of our program. It has been a great day and a wonderful evening with you all. Again thank you all for your presence. God bless and Goodnight to each and everyone.